i am wondering. what am i really waiting for. why am i exploring corners so much. why do i want to know it all. with this. i am making myself too vulnerable. i no longer know what i am doing.
maybe, this is just a part of how i am trying to find myself. my own identity. my own definition. or maybe, i am just too frustrated with my life.
what made me contemplate on this was, last night, i went out with the girls and a gay. then, i learned... i wonder what made them stop. and i wonder how come the stopped. i also wonder why they stopped. two things: too much pain and suffering. or arising problems with foreseen unpleasant outcome.
then suddenly i was scared of whatever was it. should i go through, whatever they had experienced, for me to stop? or- should i continue? i am,i know, capable of enduring too much pain. pretty easy, just imagine that you are the numbest person in this world, freeze, then create an illusion, that you are the best ever. next- i never really cared about the future: whatever foreseen maybe disregarded. i don't know if you notice that i am too confident of who i am.
i remember her saying that if she was that selfish, she would have committed suicide. here's the thing, right now, i feel most loved by everyone around me.
it really is easy to say stop if i was not that depressed. how come this things give the best comforts to people who are not happy? i do not know why i am happy now. and it is actually one of the reasons why i want to stop. because, it may not have been for myself. but things are falling into pieces. although i must say: it gave me everything i needed before. but you see, it is killing me. and before it succeeds. before it destroys everything in me. i must stop right?
or... i must be fooling myself. i can't stop- won't stop. or not. foolish.
maybe, this is just a part of how i am trying to find myself. my own identity. my own definition. or maybe, i am just too frustrated with my life.
what made me contemplate on this was, last night, i went out with the girls and a gay. then, i learned... i wonder what made them stop. and i wonder how come the stopped. i also wonder why they stopped. two things: too much pain and suffering. or arising problems with foreseen unpleasant outcome.
then suddenly i was scared of whatever was it. should i go through, whatever they had experienced, for me to stop? or- should i continue? i am,i know, capable of enduring too much pain. pretty easy, just imagine that you are the numbest person in this world, freeze, then create an illusion, that you are the best ever. next- i never really cared about the future: whatever foreseen maybe disregarded. i don't know if you notice that i am too confident of who i am.
i remember her saying that if she was that selfish, she would have committed suicide. here's the thing, right now, i feel most loved by everyone around me.
it really is easy to say stop if i was not that depressed. how come this things give the best comforts to people who are not happy? i do not know why i am happy now. and it is actually one of the reasons why i want to stop. because, it may not have been for myself. but things are falling into pieces. although i must say: it gave me everything i needed before. but you see, it is killing me. and before it succeeds. before it destroys everything in me. i must stop right?
or... i must be fooling myself. i can't stop- won't stop. or not. foolish.
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