hmmm. hi. i am in my sister's place right now. doing nothing. and expecting that something will change.
my plans for my stay would be like exhausting all the excess emotions that i do feel. since last night, i did some things i regret. i also do not want the person i am turning into. this is just not me. well, maybe there are a lot of reasons why i do these things. still, i am very much aware that there are these things that lie in front of me waiting to be done. but i refuse to face you all. this is so dramatic. so my plans actualy include: watching the sunset. swimming in the beach and the like
when i o back to the real world, i have 10 promises to myself.
1. don't smoke
2. minimize alcohol consumption
3. don't say bad words
4. study every night
5. no more over criticizing
6. wake up early
7. do your homework
8. go to mass
9. be happy, smile always
10. optimism please...
maybe, this is my way of dealing with these things. i just hope that i would fulfill them all. and with that i pray that some divine power will help me in getting over everything. i will have myself back. and with that everything must follow. my dreams shall wake up again. and i will want to live life again.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
YES, JUST DRAMA AND YES, THIS IS PATHETIC BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
What am I doing? This is ruining everything. Although, I always believed in the principle of inflicting pain to remove pain, I never thought I would come back to this place again.
I am so disappointed with myself. Why? When shall this stop. I am again doing something major. I am starting to be scared of the consequences of such things I could make. Yes, I know that it is wrong but is the only way I know of. I am so free, it overwhelms me. and in pain that all I do is numb myself. I hate this I hate you.
Yes, I know that flirting is not the answer. Since, I am the kind that runs away when things get awkward. And well, this feels so pathetic, being powerless over these things. When I must be acting like all these is nothing. Well, at least now, I stopped crying, sometimes, but what do I do?
1. Divert. Laugh at myself. I am so tired of drinking and smoking too much!
2. Him and him. hello. n=Not so. I do not like those types.
3. Stop it. I have a question. Do I have to keep all his memories? Do I have to burn them? Why do I have the feeling that he will be mine again? Will it come true? I dolove him still but this sounds pathetic. It has to end. And I regret the consequences of my actions even now that I am about to do them all. Or not. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ambivalence is a symptom of a psychotic disorder. hmm
Dear You,
hey. how are you? im missing you and hating you at the same time. hahaha now that i cried for a guy. i pray to god that this ends as soon as possible. because damn this is not me, yes i want you back even just to feel that you do exist from afar. but you cannot do that! i really guess so that the ideal man is gay. dear you, just pack a bag and come back before i do it! hahaha love ,me
I am so disappointed with myself. Why? When shall this stop. I am again doing something major. I am starting to be scared of the consequences of such things I could make. Yes, I know that it is wrong but is the only way I know of. I am so free, it overwhelms me. and in pain that all I do is numb myself. I hate this I hate you.
Yes, I know that flirting is not the answer. Since, I am the kind that runs away when things get awkward. And well, this feels so pathetic, being powerless over these things. When I must be acting like all these is nothing. Well, at least now, I stopped crying, sometimes, but what do I do?
1. Divert. Laugh at myself. I am so tired of drinking and smoking too much!
2. Him and him. hello. n=Not so. I do not like those types.
3. Stop it. I have a question. Do I have to keep all his memories? Do I have to burn them? Why do I have the feeling that he will be mine again? Will it come true? I dolove him still but this sounds pathetic. It has to end. And I regret the consequences of my actions even now that I am about to do them all. Or not. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ambivalence is a symptom of a psychotic disorder. hmm
Dear You,
hey. how are you? im missing you and hating you at the same time. hahaha now that i cried for a guy. i pray to god that this ends as soon as possible. because damn this is not me, yes i want you back even just to feel that you do exist from afar. but you cannot do that! i really guess so that the ideal man is gay. dear you, just pack a bag and come back before i do it! hahaha love ,me
Sunday, January 9, 2011
GETTING OVER YOU
I find it easy to hide my miseries to you all. But I guess, those who really knew me knows that I loved you so much. The difficult part is trying to materialize this emotion so that I can properly dispose it. My cynicism is telling me that this is just something transient but it is also one time of my life that i tried to believe in butterflies. I still love you babe.
haha. this is a form of ambivalence. I usually do not experience this because I know what I want most of the time. But you did disturb my sanctuary. you made it your own. why did you start loving coffee babe? Why did you aim to travel around the world? These are the only things I embrace and yet you did put yourself in every picture. I think I cannot do them anymore, now that you are not here. But then again, the cynic would say that I will get over you. But if you did come back I will know what I want. However, the last time you went here was not the person I expected to meet. i guess you did change completely and the person I knew was gone. Then there'll be no use going back. Or maybe not.
Actually, my struggles include changing my mind sets. A term that came from you again.To successfullyforget you, I hope I can forget all our plans. I hope I can forget that I came across your path. I hope I will get over you. If not, come back to me.
haha. this is a form of ambivalence. I usually do not experience this because I know what I want most of the time. But you did disturb my sanctuary. you made it your own. why did you start loving coffee babe? Why did you aim to travel around the world? These are the only things I embrace and yet you did put yourself in every picture. I think I cannot do them anymore, now that you are not here. But then again, the cynic would say that I will get over you. But if you did come back I will know what I want. However, the last time you went here was not the person I expected to meet. i guess you did change completely and the person I knew was gone. Then there'll be no use going back. Or maybe not.
Actually, my struggles include changing my mind sets. A term that came from you again.To successfullyforget you, I hope I can forget all our plans. I hope I can forget that I came across your path. I hope I will get over you. If not, come back to me.
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