PEELING OFF THE ONION

i wonder why should we even dare to live a great life, find meaning... be happy... blah blah- in the end, we all die right?

i also wonder why we should satisfy worldly desires as if it is the air that we breathe. above all, i hate the idea of living at all.

i know there are some people who tried to push this kind of thought away from me. they successfully did it. but there are also those who tore me apart to the point of wanting to escape sanity. and one of them is you "sister", and lolo's death, and my mom. you all ripped me off from everything. well, i know life is no twilight or Jane austen. what the- i wonder why you should even do this to me. i am capable of being hurt too you know. i know you feel pain too. i do not care, i love myself above all.

recently, when that fight was over, which was not really cleared up. so what do you want. you can tell me how pathetic i was before. i understand that you have forgotten that i am capable of feeling pain too. i am so tired of this. shoot me with your words- you can never kill me. i know that this is past done- but i would not recover. maybe i still hate you. i just still love myself.

guess what. my life is starting to begin. and although i nearly ended it- you never did care, you were never there. now. i am gathering what has been left. i gave you most of my life. i am sorry i can no longer give more.

i wish you see me now. everything starting to change. like sunrise, like conception. like every word pertaining to beginnings. i cannot describe the kind of happiness enveloping me right now. and though it pains me that i cannot share it with you- even if i really want to. i am so sorry, if this is goodbye.

"I'LL Always come out beautifully"

THE MEANING OF PARTY

the last time i went to party with my friends, we met this guy, who was the most vain being i have ever met. why? he showed me pictures of himself while his group was on the road, in a party- everything was his face and i was kicking Ferdie's feet under the table- please tell the management to ban narcissus' fanatics here. when a chance to flee showed up, i snatched it up and whooo! let's just dance vain boy!

in the dance floor, kypler, ferdie and i unleashed ourselves to what we call- dancing. i was thinking, people think partying is done by party people. party people are those who do nothing in life and would be nothing in life- I'm sorry, i use to say that.

out there, the music was like the wind-we allow ourselves to be blown away by the beat. we scorn slow dancing/ slow music. we want party songs- the ones that go dum dum di dum dum dum di dum dum (rihanna?) we want the most recent music sung by "party" singers. never mind the lyrics, the heat- never mind anything. just dance.

in the end of every song, something sweeps us- sadness maybe, or just the feeling we-want-more... it happens every time. and just like anything.

MUSIC

the first time i heard music, and intently listened to it was when my mom and dad were fighting, and my sister on the background silently sobbing in the corner. i do not know why my face was wet with tears that time. maybe they did an obligatory fall.

then everything seem to be in harmony: breaking sounds, banging doors, screaming, crying, and the most solemn of all- the gliding tears. i froze in one spot to witness the majestic scene in my life passing in front of me. slowly, i blended everything into one masterpiece- music. slowly, i cringed. slowly, i knelt down, i bent my head- to pay respect to what i call my life. a life i have to live- in harmony with all the other elements of existence. and i was successful with it. or not, who knows?

sometimes, i think life sucks because the one i live is not the same as others. most of the time i find someone to blame, despite the absence of connection in the circles i have forced to draw perfectly. in the end, i am left bitter and sad in one corner of my room. i embrace myself in this bitterness and sulk.

"you don't belong in this world, or the world does not belong to you?"

i remember perfectly when the music stopped. i wiped my tears dry. i stood up. i breathed deeply- in and out. then i carve a smile in my face. suddenly, everything was like seeing the rising sun after a stormy night.

poetry

Kay Ryan on poetry

"My theory is a poem should set you free -- reading a real poem should leave you feeling less tired and more exquisitely yourself. Aerated. You've been speeded up and perhaps somewhat dispersed, your bits enjoying more distance from each other than they had previously."


i always thought that poems should be written selfishly. this is the piece of literature where we pour our emotions and leave them be. its the part where our emotions radiate to a reader. forcing them to feel extreme emotions, be it happiness, sadness or madness. i always thought that it is a piece of entertainment- for those lazy readers.

maybe i was wrong. because that definition of poetry is long damned. i think i have abused it. in a way when i just run to it when i am morose. and i no longer write when there's nothing more. maybe, it is the way that i curse it- because i tend to absorb everything. then i have to blame it.

PROCESS AND PHOTOGRAPHY by Laurice

*photo by laurice

"i feel like a leaf blown by the wind
but i fear the rain, soon to smash me"

I'll talk about "the" process. my great aunt once told me, that everything undergoes a process. its like when you decide to change your life, you cannot change right away. if you decide to: you might fail. being a human, everything should be done gradually- the process.

kypler, my very dear friend might be able to explain the "process" happening to me right now. that is because i tell him everything- laura too, and i know when i tell laura it would reach kharissa too. so that's the cycle of everything.


i know that i am quick at my decisions. i know i think fast. i never wanted to die old. that's why I'm doing everything now. however, i am happy that at some point i am starting to change. i feel "the process" taking place now. i know i am still in step one. or not- i cannot fully explain everything, you see. all i know is that everything is falling into its place.


* my days do not really follow a certain routine, unlike some. my life too. i don't plan anymore since my life was shattered when i took up nursing. but now im back on the track. this morning, i ate, right after i gurgled and all. i eat too much now. (i want to think that way). and sometimes i wonder- why should i be an anorexic? why should i be thin? well, that is because that is how the society defines beautiful. and i want to be that. who doesn't?


at some point i again contradicted myself. other people should not define me! (what the-). it is great to think like this. in the end, we all come to one place, being human. we are all interconnected to each other, though we deny sometimes. as for me, i am being human: i search meaning, i live, i enjoy everything and learn. who knows if i'll leave a mark in history or a vampire will make me immortal?


*all the photos in this post is by laurice: she's great right?

THE HUNDRED THINGS

-this photo was taken at kypler's bday

i sat over the cold tables to get a better look at everything. I'd rather do that than allowing everything be obstructed by that stupid bent head in front of me. after that, i watched comfortably for the whole two hours except for the occasional movement of that head. we were watching Will Smith's "Pursuit to Happyness"(even the computer wants to correct the spelling) then. it is where i have stolen some of these lines:

"i still remember that moment, they all look so happy to me. why couldn't i be like that."
- Chris Gardner said when he was looking around him.
marvelling the smile in everyone's face.

"Don't ever let somebody tell you you can't do it, not even me."
- Chris Gardner to his son.

i do not know what is in this movie that could touch everyone. maybe it is just the fact that Chris Gardner was no different from all of us. we all have dreams- great ones that sometimes, are hard to accomplish. the thing with him is- he just did it. at all costs. i do not want to praise him more- but at some point he made me believe that our fate is not really written. we mold it on our own. but how do we know that when sometimes as if a greater force is hitting us with a lot of misfortunes, and for Gardner- he passed all them.

here is where i ask myself all the questions i want answered. but what do i know. grr-

i hate bothering myself with all this. let's just enjoy life while we have it. and prepare ourselves while we are not yet prepared. and maybe there will be a point where i would look back into my life and reminisce. then laurice and the others came up to an idea of: doing the things you want before you turn 20. so here's the list:

1. go to all the different kinds of bars
2. overnight in white-sand beaches!
3. kiss a guy in the rain
4. have a one-day boyfriend
...

then i read Marie's Profile where she posted a hundred things she would want to do. here's mine, i hope i'd be able to do them all before i die. but i'll first start with the TEN.

1. quit my bad habits
2. write a book
3. have sex
4. kiss in the rain
5. adopt a child
6. help someone
7. read great books and learn from them
8. become a teacher
9. love
10. toughen up

THE NEW LEAF IS FeiRCE

you'll write the title
i'll write the chapters
- lyrics from the Story

so i have been thinking of something to write about. in fact that is all i think of, am i wasting my time? this is all i do. all i know- not exactly.

so the temperature dropped to 9.6 degrees yesterday, and it is the coldest as said. 6.3 back in the 90's. however the temperature is expected to fall later this part of the month. actually i can already feel it right now. brr-

then it dawned me, maybe I'll write something about my sister, the one im not in good terms with. and my mom, whom... you see, a lot of family problems start to rise when you start noticing everything. that is why it is always better not to care. but not in my case, because if i won't care, then there'll be nothing to think about. and nothing will change, since nobody cares now!

it was almost a week since i smoked. well, i cannot promise to quit. because i know i break promises- i do not like fooling myself. however, in my "conversation" with _ well, i was thinking of making him a reason for quitting. but then, when "we" end , i know that would end the quitting. one thing i try to avoid these days is doing things for other people. i want everything for myself. haha-

now, let me talk about my "guy". well, im liking him because at some point i know we have a lot of similarities. like? i really can't think of anything. and i know he does a lot of thinking too. i know that he too is unsure and he is wise enough to keep his emotions safe. i know he likes me and that he won't be easy to forget. having said that, i did also wish to be that girl, or maybe i am starting to be it. let me explain further: i have not felt that" regret" from "that" moment on, unlike that one i had with abso. well, i do not like comparing because that would be totally praising my guy. maybe it will come to that point kyps, maybe not. because i know we're still playing safe- or me only. and maybe if this ends suddenly i would surely delete this post.

laura, i know you love me, but maybe this is me. i never like hoping. since it has been many times when i was fooled. that is why i always want to do things my way. since everything is flowing in my direction. harrr- yes, i too have those romantic scenes playing on my mind like all those who never loved. but you see, i want to slap myself off these dreams, i do not like waiting for a man who im not even sure of his existence,. and look! i have one. damn pain and heartaches! why am i even telling you this! why do i even care if you'll feel bad or not - oh well, you know you're my dear friendSS. i know you got that. i know its ok with khariz. isn't it a sign that me not being able to tell you personally is because i am serious? not fooling around, no more stupid stories, and dramas, no more of those!!!

HAHA-well.

Samantha: I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once.
Sex and the City

Samantha: Last night I could not stop thinking about a Big Mac. I finally had to get dressed, go out and pick up a guy.
Sex and the City

Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.
Sex and the City

Carrie: Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.
Sex and the City

SCRAMBLED EGGSSS

i just made my own love story- the one that i have been dreaming of, the one that i have always wished for. well, you can tell me now, how lucky or pathetic i am. you can scold me for what i have recently done. but you can still ask me though, why i did it, why am i like this. or maybe you doubt me, you'll say i am just fooling around. maybe you'll tell me my own words: know your self-worth. hell with worth.- they said when you love, you fail to consider anything (pardon me for the word love). but you must know-surely you must know, that i can be that person if i want to.

thing is, if you have been listening to my words, you'll know that i want to do a lot of things in this world. and everything starts now.

****

hi blog. i know you miss me, yeah i miss you too.
well lately i have been sad but now i am happy,
i hope so are you, too.
i am having fun and you know i always do.
well i just want to say,-

****

hi: again, im just practicing and well, this is my way of telling something .

here's my point of view towards life, death, love, sex, and all the rest. i shall begin by introducing myself: hi i am arlene joy sumalag, i read Twilight (i admit being so crazy about it) but it vanished since i reminisced watching Queen of the Damned by Anne Rice. and that defines it. why did i include "sex"? i must proudly admit that i am a virgin, yet maybe if i was born in the rightful country , where i should really be, i think i won't be a virgin. still i know that even in this (conservative) country some girls are UV. and i don't blame them. God made sex beautiful. why am i discussing this? one thing because i made up my mind, that my first love-making should be on the sea-shore. however i read an account where it said that sex in the seashore is not advisable- with all the grains of sand???? well, i'll do something about that. well, it's time to say I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!. and i hope he's not reading this because i am not insinuating anything, just... kyps told me that, there was that certain period of time when a couple could be able to "make love"- not sex please. then in Cosmo, KC Concepcion said that it's ok to lose your V to a good guy, knowing he's good it would be worth it(not the exact words though), then my guy friends told one of my girlfriends that it is ok to do it when you reach a year- since yun na lang ang kulang.

well, one of the girls told me that it is the only thing that she has left to herself-since the moment we talked, since now she's UV. and for me, that is what i would do. -or not. anyways, we're not yet there. still a long way. and i promise to keep my promise to tell kyps- i'll tell the details. haha!

towards life: well, i witnessed my grandfather's death. i nearly committed suicide after that. and then... a lot of things. then i just read Veronica Decides to Die. very nice. well, for me, life is just a one way road. if you want to do something now, do it. if you dont want , then don't.

do you believe, that people lie to save that ego? what a stupid question. define ego.define EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN AND I'LL TELL YOU- what the?- hll,

...goodbye blog.