What Prayer Does

 There was a fire in our building and thank God my store was spared. Last night, people have been calling and texting me about the fire. So my mind went into auto mode and think. First, I cannot panic but I was scared. I have bills and people to pay. Second, I cannot lose anything right now. Last, I really cannot lose anything right now.

I calmed myself by staying put and telling myself I have to be early because I will open the store. But people are still calling me and it was 3 am. I prayed. God knows everything about me and the people like me. We run a cut-throat business, which was honest and hard working. Also, he knows about the people relying on our business- employees and suppliers. So like any other thing I do, I also told Him that whatever happens I have faith in Him that he will carry me through.

The thing I learned here was God gave me peace. Faith does not keep bad things from happening but it carries you through the bad times. 

How to Commit Suicide

Times are difficult and life is not getting easier. 

I know, it is so tempting to just end it all but where is the thrill in that? We all die, so if you are thinking of killing yourself, you might want to just wait the universe do it.

You might be in the worst possible situation that any human being can have. Trust me, every person has this feeling of wanting so bad to just disappear. I have thought of ways to kill myself but I want a way that is painless and fast. 

Believe me, there are so many ways to commit a suicide. These are grand ways to let everyone recognize that you were in so much pain you just had to do it. I will tell you the different ways that I did it. 

1. Volunteer yourself to do something you have absolutely no idea about and learn in the process. You are thinking of dying right? So looking stupid or feeling shame won't matter at this point. I died here. The hermit in me died here. She was gone as soon as I said I volunteer to join that contest, that debate team, that public speaking stint and a lot more. She hated it so much she collapsed, disappeared and died I guess.

2. Be someone you are not. When you were born, people around you planted this idea that you are this kind of person. As you go along life, you develop habits and characteristics that coincide with your environment. You found ways to fit in and this has been the focus until now. Now you want to die. You can die and be the person you want- not in another life but this life. I always wanted that "aura" of confident beautiful rich girls. Or I think they call them "girl boss" now. I just woke up and acted like it. Again, I was thinking of dying, so I don't care if you judge me for speaking out, for dressing up, for putting red lipstick and for thinking of establishing so many businesses and for telling everyone that I want to become a millionaire. 

3. You have made bad decisions before arriving at this point in your life which led you to the decision to just kill yourself. Remember some countries that killed babies just because of the population or that the gender does not match their nation's goals? Kill those baby in you- not actual baby if you have one but that part of you that led you here. That part of you that you nurtured for so long that made you weak and defenseless. Your pain is real and there is nothing that can end it right now. You can pretend to be cool about it by just getting out of bed and do little things one at a time. Divert your thoughts and set a timer to cry for just 15 minutes a day and then try to forget again. 

I hope this helped.

The Princess Who Froze

 A long time ago, there was a princess who wanted to live an extraordinary life. She is currently bored because life is just so damn good. She has everything she needs. 

So without saying goodbye, she left the kingdom and went outside the golden gates. 

Outside the gates, she realized she was scared. She only have small money- enough to live on scraps of food. She decided to go back but the gates are closed.

As she walks around the land outside the gates, she saw the other people playing with fire, water and earth. She wanted to join but then her clothes will be ruined. So she took her time to decide.

The moon and sun interchanged their time in the sky so many times when she realized that she is cold, hungry and poor. She stood up and sought for wood to make fire and food to eat. She looked around saw people watching her because she just doesn’t belong. So the princess sat there enjoying the attention not realizing people only glance and remember nothing significant about the poor girl sitting in the sidewalk. 

Again, the moon and sun interchanged their time in the sky so many times until winter came and froze everything else including the princess. 

Until her end, people glance at the frozen poor girl sitting in the sidewalk. 

Lost in Busan

 I went to Busan before meeting C and K in Seoul. Rode the most advertised bullet train from the airport in Incheon to Busan for just 2 hours. 

Alone again. 

That time, I loved travels because it gives me an escape from the toxicity of everyone around me. Solitude. Also it pushes me to try to survive alone. My greatest accomplishment was figuring out how to go there from here to there at the train station. I usually travel with people who are sooo good at directions I just follow their footsteps.

My Busan trip was full of so many stories of getting lost and getting lost in translation…

I ate at a restaurant and ordered a meal good for 4 people. The owner and I did not understand each other. Why the hell should I order for so many people when I am obviously alone. Anyway, I ate everything. 

Next is the Buddha temple… It was so surreal. There is a super giant Buddha at the edge of a park. A divine being who sees everything. 

I forgot the point of this post. 

I got lost so many times. Going there-finding the right bus station, getting down at the right stop, going to the place, going back to my hotel… finding places where to eat. 

I feel this way now that I am in Dubai. But knowing that this won’t last for a few weeks is just scary as fuck. This is not my version of going away. I always came back after a few weeks before. Now, I seem to have no choice. 

It is so frustrating when I do not know what happens next. My master planner brain does not have any answers now. Not having a plan or needing to make a plan. 

Good Morning World!

Red Light

 You know that moment when you are late and you cannot cross because the traffic light is in red? And then there are no cars coming. You are debating with your own values and what they thought you in elementary school about this light-it means STOP. But you are late. 

So you cross.

Like the thief of a piece of bread you justify that you are hungry. You will be late if you will not violate the rule. Like destroying the order and balance of a society is worth it. Like it mattered. 

Sad Stories

I wonder if the need to be on top is just innate for human nature or animal instinct. Like being a victim makes you celebrate when you become the predator. Learning to appreciate your life when you see miseries of other people. Everything is outward. Thoughts are based on what is happening outside. 

Recent events in my life made me realize that I am a self-entitled and self-centered bitch for most part of my existence. Because I am so good at rationalizing being the drama-queen that I am, I have a reason every time I give up on something. Either it was not worth my time or blame it on the circumstances. This led me to jumping on one rock to another. Crossing bridges by looking for easier ways to cross it. 

Yes I know it now. Reality can slap you in the face or in the ass in moments that you feel powerless. I am learning a lot.

I learned that I have my issues that I have to resolve on my own. That is to suck it up and learn to endure things.

Dear God,

I cannot do this. I just cannot. But I will believe in you. Amen. 

Figurative

 When I was seventeen years old, I wrote this note detailing how much I like this guy. It mentioned everything from memorable moments and a very elaborate description of how I feel. It was written on a notebook that he read because I was clumsy and the notebook was lying there. 

I never really liked that guy but he was so convinced of the intensity of my feelings because of what he read. It was so complicated after that. I was young and felt like I was obliged to admit and be in a relationship with him  

I can call that a funny story. Personally, it was the time that I was convinced I am good in writing just because. 🤣 Well, I also learned to be creative: not to use names, hide details and use figures of speech. 

I never pursued a writing career. I pursued learning everything along the way. I tried everything I can like an aimless arrow. Maybe it was a mistake to use figures of speech. Maybe somethings we believed for so long are not realistic. 

Right now, I doubt myself for the first time. Doubt and having no other option because I am stuck. Now I learn how to live with my choices. 

Lesson 1

Most of the time, making conclusions is very easy. The process is very hasty. Often thoughtless and unmindful of consequences. I refer to making judgments towards other people. 

Today, I learned that there is a story behind every situation. There is another story behind that situation. Sometimes you do not know everything and yet you make conclusions. Today, I am guilty of this. Today, I learned a lesson. 

Today, I learned that I should now focus on myself. My thoughts towards others are irrelevant. I will stop quitting just because it does not work. I will start trying to co-exist with the situation I am in. Besides, I actually have nothing else I can do. 

On Self Love and How I Stopped Apologizing

There has been so many changes in my mindset since I moved to Dubai. Its been just a week and my mind reprogrammed itself so many times. You see, my life is so comfortable back home. I have my own business, my own car and my own house. Because of the pandemic, my business closed and there was nothing else I can do. Mornings have no goals for me. After two years, I decided to explore the one thing I have been dreaming of in the past years- pack up and live in another country. 

These days, I can say that I am leaving the dream. Mornings meant the struggle to look for a job while preparing breakfast. Sleep meant until the wee hours of the morning just because I am now independent. I am now learning how to make a CV because I have been running our family business since I graduated. Tips on how to save money on food also occupy my mind. 

After sometime, I learned that there are so many Filipinos here. I am in awe that while this is an adventure for me it is a matter of survival for most people. They have uprooted their lives and had to be here to work. I am humbled and overwhelmed. My life in the Philippines is already good. That was why so many people asked why am I actually going to Dubai. 

My roommate is no different from most. She is so stingy. I am not a big spender but I seldom compare prices because I seldom buy stuff. For me expensive meant quality. As an effect of living with a stingy person, I also started depriving myself. Actually, I changed my mindset to the idea that I have no money now so I have to be cautious of how I spend. Luckily, I have a cousin living here and she is the most generous person on earth. 

Sadly, self deprivation is taking its toll on me. I am so tired. I realized that I have to stop apologizing for my situation. My comfortable life was because of my hard work which started early in my life. I have to enjoy my money too. Self-love meant spending on yourself and giving it proper attention like how you would to a lover and how you keep that lover. Stop living poor Arlene and buy yourself the furniture you need. 

The New Rules of Dating in the Online World

Maybe Jane Austen never realized this. She is wrong about so many things. Her books are no longer relatable at this present age. 

So here we are again messed up. Presenting the new rules of dating.

1 Learn about red flags. 

- saying “I love you” too soon

2. Reality and Illusion

- The reality is you met online. You are just one of the many girls that he matched with and messaged. 

- Do not have the illusion that this might be something real because some people fell inlove online. 

3. Clean Exit

- Remember, do not attach too many strings so that you can cur them easily and have a clean exit.

4. Words are just words 

-He told me its easy to change your mind. Words are just words.