WHAT I DID WHEN SOMEBODY TOUCHED ME- snail

i know one thing or two.
that is i am not foolish- so are you...

so,why then? do you torment me
with your ... stupidity
why do you stay.?
why do you hope?
in this time
after all the pain inflicted

inflict pain:to remove pain.
is wrong
it is the way i do
is it your way too?

i am so sorry then
if i cannot stay in your world.
and i have to live my life
i cannot feel my heart being broken
like a shattered piece of beauty.
like what yours is now.

goodbye.


***

hola blog. today, im so free like free. i am happy. well. that is that. harr- so what do i talk about. yesterday, i was pissed off. by things that i wish not to talk about. so one of the good diversion talk to someone. voila! my guy. because Laura texted asking for details but of course I'll talk to her in personal na lang. one thing i have learned. is to stay put. just stay put because I'm the kind who makes sugod all the time. remember? and there's this ex-best friend-sister keryn whom i must not see in any case because either I'd run to her and say "hi!!!!!" or just ignore.

oh- then recently, i know how bad i could inflict pain to people around me. how? psychological. you cannot hurt people by crying, by saying curses, by hurting physically- better yet forget there existence and your life is better. and who cares if their lives are in whatever the condition is. right?

yes. i know i am best in running away. but that is because i want to make sure that i am the one that comes out beautifully. and that's what everybody should do. because pride is everything. tell me its not.

then here comes this person- who wants to penetrate my being, my comfort zone and i have allowed it. whatta- this is such a beautiful disaster. how come Korean actors are so cute?

"that's the second girl... she's sweet, she's sensitive- everything that he would like... his type. and i know that I'm not like that. so that's okay. I'm the first girl- and i was the one who let go. that's my edge."

good luck to me.

MY GRANDFATHER'S ROOM

maybe i have not tried harder. but the moment i stepped in that room i have never felt at home. but the pain of seeing life fade away has not yet faded itself. the pain of losing still lingers. and i am still grieving. i know that it might be selfish-insensitive that i still wanted to feel what its like. to have that father in him. and maybe life was just that - gee i am blaming life??? maybe it was never meant for me. i wanted so much to breathe. so i did.

there was one thing. after that i never wanted to stay there again. because i do not like placing my mind- on a plan to live there to be with him. yes ma'am- i would be a good nurse- you were told me that. but why was i never given that chance to show it.? why only to other people-yes they needed it, i gave them what they have to be given: service, compassionate care. yes ma'am- i turned away from my foolish writing passion and my lowly dream of being a teacher- because i thought that i was doing it for the love of a person who, i realized, fail to see my efforts. thus, unwilling to let go of a man, i think, she illusions to love her. then. i have to let go too right? because my life, is not her life. i have to live because someday I'd die too. and i have to fight for these things i yearn for, right? i am sorry- if i would never be that good nurse. i shall carry all those words in my heart. after all. being a nurse never pertained solely to those who stay in hospitals. nurses are everywhere ma'am. i hope that you would understand such decisions. you yourself had let us go too...


so, i have to say goodbye to my grandfather's room. although and all the things. i shall never forget him and his life: as the man by the window, as the man who changed lives by merely existing. thank you

THINGS I THINK ABOUT

occasionally, i feel like i want to go far far far away from everything that surrounds me. and i do it often. and oftentimes i feel so great that i could jump in happiness at that but i won't- because that looks dorky.

all my life- i have stayed in this region somewhere over the mountains and the only chances i have to escape are field trips and other trips. although, i am so like my sister. or that like my sister i think we're bored living in here. but I'm not saying that i cannot call this place home. because i love it here. I'm just the kind of person who cannot stay in one seat forever.

i love water. i love beaches. i cannot forget the time when Nelia and me sat by the shore and watched sunrise. i remember how hard i tried to see. the sun went down so soon. but it was really a site. i loved it. i cannot forget beach encounters: with the friends, the Palawan shores and all the others. how i run to it and how the waves would stretch itself to reach my feet.

that is why i came up to a to-do list this summer: because boredom is consuming me. and i don't like boredom. although I'm not really that super busy person. i hate being sad. haha- here's my list

1. GO SEE A BEACH
2. DO THAT RESUME
3. ATTEND A MASS
4. SWIMMING]
5. SHOPPING: SHOES; BOOKS
6. SAVE UP FOR THAT
7. ATTEND THAT SEMINAR
8. IF I COULD/ GO TO VIGAN! TRY ALONE OR NOT
9. WRITE TALS/ SOME SONGS
10. I'M GETTING FAT: OMG.


that ends my list and i just hope that life will be happy this time.
1. my end-this-life thoughts would vanish
2. i wish that instead of me having eating by boredom I'll eat it instead.
3. I'll have that happy trip with him- actually the first time. i want to know how it is to be with someone. seriously.
4. just do something that makes sense

***

A DO NOT READ

i have imagined myself being heartbroken, heartbreak is an overused word and i hate using it. but that is the best word there is for such things. but this is so me. the reason i do not like indulging in things is because i do not believe in happy endings or that i never saw one.

so when i imagined myself being heartbroken. i do not know if i would cry. since i never believed in crying. still, i am so scared. how do i let go? right? there are a lot of what ifs that boom in my head. yet the Arlene in me would rather divert. i am the queen of diversions at that. and that save up something for pride. always. so that you can still embrace yourself afterwards.

i do not know why I'm posting this. maybe because i want so hard to fall in love but maybe i am starting to or maybe not yet, maybe I'm just denying it or maybe still on the process. its such a beautiful disaster- Kelly Clarkson. aaaaaaaaaargh! when Claudine asked me the whys in the relationship . well- i had known my answer since i ask myself these things: i told her because its just that i can stay with him for no matter how long. and though i find it weird but that is how i feel with my friends.- they are the people who i go out with every time without getting bored with each other. though sometimes for example, me and Laura would no longer talk but we'll just eat and sit and then talk about something when something would come up. sometimes i notice I'm the only one talking but that's the way of life.

sometimes i imagine that this would go on forever like how Claudine sees it with Adrian but I'm not that kind of person. i still know that guys will be guys (sorry) and its risky. aaargh again. this is one that makes me feel frustrated. " you found me"- Kelly clarkson again. i hate allowing myself to sink in all this stuff. one thing i know is that he's a great guy. flatter him, bitch. end this. stop it before i say more. xx

LOSING

i felt like a great tidal wave came over me very slowly. and a need to react attacked me. i need to scream, to cry, to do something. my friends failed- failing is a shame and we all know that. with that failing is painful.

it was so sad. i want to be angry because... they failed. so i cried. and it was sad that even if you'd see people who make you happy, that overwhelming sadness just won't go away. or that nobody on this planet would take that sadness away. so i cried na lang. because i have to let it out. but i was not so successful at that. because it was not my burden to bear. and i know that if i had been in that situation that would not be how I'll deal with it. i know that I'd rather revel silence to embrace peace. because i know then that i could think properly with everything... but not all people are like me. and i cannot go back to being demanding, manipulative and dominating.

sadly, they are in the world where people play the roles of gods and goddesses even if they're not. but that is the way it is even in the real world. where power has its own definition. but the real world is subjective either we choose to believe or not. maybe that is just the wa i is.

ate ria, a dear friend, told me "other men's crosses are not my crosses. so yes. i must symphatize but my world has a lot in it now. and I'm no darna. haha

darna is a Philippine superhero

FASHIONISTA

i wonder how they feel now that they are not even at home. like me right now who cannot just run to my homey bed to sleep. i cannot even sleep. i cannot even... "don't hate appreciate". play it over and over in your mind so that at least you'll learn something from him.

what should i talk about: FASHION.
so everything started in the 8th century- in Cordoba, Spain (FYI) when a famous musician Ziryab started wearing clothes. how was that? wikipedia said that he started wearing sophisticated clothes. since then, are people really aspiring to please - who? the normal trends. the average. then it said that in 14th century, James Laver and Fernand Braudel started Western fashion in clothing...

what is FASHION? this includes every aspect of human appearance: hair and make-up. though, sometimes even animals, like chihuahuas( spell?), have they own fashion line. imagine that.

in the 18th century Marie Antoinette became the fashion icon. what followed next was the rapid transitions of men and women's fashion in clothing and in hairstyle. celebrities have a major influence on these things. up to now.

confidence and precision is an image of this word. another determinant is class/ status quo. the upper class of Europe and the development of distinctive national styles remained very different for a long time. it is true that fashion is always dictated by the rich. their influence is inevitable. at some point fashion showed their power. then they turned fashion as dominance. sometimes the lowly class would try to imitate, they fail. one cannot imitate class. although sometime magic can happen.

sometimes i doubt accounts. sometimes they are just to biased on westerners. well, so when the Westerners travelled eastward they went they with their natural fashion sense and they said they introduced fashion to those asians. and they failed to emphasize that they adopted some styles.... amazingly. japan hasn't changed their way of clothing yet.

colors and patterns, fabrics and all. these things: these things that wrap us up. these things that tell me they define us. these things that tell people who they are. they give us a chance to judge and be mislead.

sometimes i scrutinize people's way of wearing clothes. yes, we have that fads and trends. as for me i do not go with the flow of these because i think it is a waste of time. but it is certainly amusing that some people really climb up from the - just to know how the view is from the top. but as i say. elites can look down. you just won't know it if you cannot even if step up.

what am i saying. this is it. sometimes people have to be aware if they are beautiful of not. define beauty. this is what i believe: we are all beautiful. however, if you are given the beauty of the body, you might not be given the gift of the brain. so it goes the same way the opposite. choose. so please. just be yourself.

WHAT REMAINED: an inventory of my baul-

last night, i wondered where my box of paper clips is. i remember seeing them last in... this was what i saw. i saw my memoirs in highschool and these are what remained:

ID's: grade 4 and @nd year highschool

BRACELET: Mary rose's

KEYCHAIN: *keryn's, Mariza's, a stone with a smudged "Friends Forever"

OTHERS: jo-anne's Birthday gift: a pendant

: wilver's heart-shaped jelly ace

: a gift to mary that was never given

: 2nd year highschool ID case with a name of my crush on it

: xaxu's ornamental leaf

: Jo-anne's Christmas Nerds- the candy.

:mayrick's pretzel assembled paper car

: 1-peso coin given by Mayrick, Greta and myrchael

:a digimon pin by keryn*

THE GROSSEST: a lock of hair my evil sister ripped off. huhu

OTHERS AGAIN

: a piece of paper containing all the impressions of my classmates of me.

: a thank you card from Jasmine

: a scrap book(literally)

: an autograph book (2nd year)

: certificate in Urban Dance- where i danced like crap

:a diary (3rd year)

: a piece of paper where they stapled my first stipend in MC

: a birthday/apology letter by abigayle

: another scrapbook

: a concern letter by tessie, regarding a fight between me and gerlyn. haha

: pictures of naked Daniel Radcliffe in his scandalous play- downloaded by kharissa/ laura*

: a birthday card from melody- di na tumutunog

: "i am hair conscious?"- another scrap book given to me by jo-anne (birthday-2nd year_

: a letter that was never given- what a bad penmanship.

: gift cards

: another bunch of homeroom pictures

: bunch of 1/8 papers of 4-h

: birthday letters by kharissa, gerlyn and abby

: a personalized card by Jo-anne

: lots of letters by jo-anne

: a letter from marivic

: personalized christmas cards from khariz and keryn(4th year)

: a valentine card from Victoria (elementary)

: a poem by abby

: angel figurine by wilver

: another figurine by...

: a box containing lots of letters by jo-anne(1st year college)

: a flower from my elementary graduation!!@!

: the first reciept in college

: candles by abby and thessie.

- and maybe i will never know where the others went. i may never know what just happened. whatever it is i do not know if i understand. sometimes i do am stupid and clumsy. sometimes i am such a big B. sometimes i am neither all this. and that is what you should see. because it is the way things are.

sometimes we become ignorant of everything. and sometimes...we just have to go back where the reasons lie. and wherever this quest to the unknown may lead us. i will not leave. well. who cares if you would. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

DONE

let me picture this. allow me to feel this, (step back. ..en-joy)

so. picture it.

you. just can't get it

and you do?

i thought you'd just...(slumps down to the ground)

sorry

you did not. (why?-

WHAT?

im tired of that question

i don't get you

you do?

-

you do not.

-

(steps back)

-

(stands)

-

(exits)

-

*NOTHING beats a good conversation...but if it is the time for me to write about it too.- what the hell had just happened. i thought i deleted those posts. i never liked people penetrating my very thoughts- i do not like people knowing me more than i come to know them. why.
it is always better to be safe right? if not... i have been there. when all the while. all you can do is hold your own hand. how sad was that? how sad is bitter posts and all that. how sad is allowing people to read your blogs. i am not that. i cannot be that person. huhu- can i cry? well, i first thought that everything would be easy. then suddenly that filthy Lab experiment was so studded with a lot of computations, at least i was able to bear those essay parts. and guess what i feel like jumping off a two-storey building after i have passed my works. kidding. bethany can sing>? then, well- wow man! nothing. i drank two cups of coffee i can't drink more- i know addiction. i really have that tendency. o well. then i am here. again, i want some adrenaline again. i want to... but i do not know if i can.

darn all those filthy boken dreams. i palmer, julius, remember? i'll become a lawyer, you'll become... i forgot. i do not know. recently i thought that fate is the one living my life. right? since highschool i met right persons in wrong places. i really am no good to planning. i am going to be a teacher.

but what if i have. my feet was already planted on your ground..i cannot turn back. i wish i could banish all those to make it

darn. darn it..

REASONS WHY SMOKERS SMOKE; WHY NON-SMOKERS DO NOT SMOKE & WHY SOME SMOKERS QUIT SMOKING

(yes)
1. DEPRESSION
: heard a lot about this crap. trying to relieve stress. trying to feel high. why? they say when you inhale it goes in the whole of your system. it is not that hard to xplain the effects of nicotine. nobody bothers anyway. as long as smoking kicks off depression, even just for a moment where the air around you becomes heavy. where you suddenly feel your heartbeat fast. it is where it seems that even those hormones are rendered useless because this does it best.

2. PEER PRESSURE?
: this crap is just another defense mechanism of protecting oneself from all the blames of what could happen. when in fact "there is always a choice" this term nullifies the fact that we are capable of thinking and deciding for ourselves.

3. COOLNESS
: picture this- a teenager holding a stick, starts to take it in- but when he blows it the smoke comes out as a scattered cloud, when it should be like a clean straight white air freeing itself from you. how cool is that?

4. BOREDOM
: when nothing makes sense, and there's nothing left to do. then suddenly. it is right infront of you.


(no)
1. REFUSAL TO SUBMISSION
: know that these companies are knowledgeable of tactics on so many things, like keeping you hooked. some people do not smoke because they simply would not allow themselves to be under the whims of smoking. they just won't.

2. PRINCIPLE
:"i have done other things except that-___" okay. so that justifies your other behaviors? no. however, luckily you may not have lung cancer, maybe liver cancer.

3. ?
: no, they never even thought of it. or saw it. or have an idea that it exists- they are called babies.

(no more)

1. THREATHENING SIGNS & SYMPTOMS
: when you suddenly can't breath- when air does not get in. because it is so heavy deep inside you. you just struggle you grip, drum your chest like that will do it. but it does not. well, you know that cause, you can't live with it- either you'd die with it or just live without it.

2. BELOVED
: how wrong is this? how right could it be. sometimes it is just wrong because, some reasons could be the future's cause. and there the blame goes.

3. REASONS
: name a thousand reasons and i shall no longer say them all. seek for meaning, crap and all. this is your life. be a better person. QUIT SMOKING.