I am at war with myself. My desires and reality are waging atrocities against each other, while I stay in the middle clasping my knees because I do not know what to do. I now understand what that thin line is. The thin line that separates sanity and madness, good and evil, reality and fantasy. At some point in life, we all get stuck in that thin line and the war with ourselves begin.
I wish I could be more specific with my want and needs. The idea of them have always been abstract, such as, I want wealth and happiness and I need satisfaction. Then I get lost as to what really defines these things.
Yesterday, I already broke one of my new year's resolution. I then became frustrated for that fact that I kept on losing in this game of dares. I cannot quit some things but I am really working on that. And I hate being defeated. Then the next question comes what I want? What I need? what I have to do and everything. I figured it out. The idea of mind over matter. I thought of this while I was walking with this person. I realized that I never want to go back to that dark place again so I will not even think of taking steps backwards. Life should move forward. We all know that but then we get lost in the translation.
Recently, I bought a very expensive book about self-discovery or what they call self-help books. It was true what they say, that we know those ideas already. We just believe them when we read it in hard copy. Deep inside us, we know that we have heard of them somewhere. Somewhere in our experiences in the past. We just do not believe in ourselves. Right now, we have to believe.
I noticed a thing or two with filthy rich people. They are just so confident about themselves. I believe that this is because of their ample amount of experience and that they learned from their mistakes. One can never go away from mistakes but then that is where another day comes or another year. We can do it better next time. The good thing is at least we learned.
There was never a book or a philosopher who can tell me how to better live my life than myself. In this world, we just have to make our own mistakes and learn from them. So I am telling myself now that I will fully embrace more heartbreaks, more failures and more challenges. I will live this life to the fullest even if it throws upon me burdens that make me doubt my capabilities. I will be strong, like the three hundred warriors of Sparta.
So I guess, I just have to stop dwelling on my mistakes yesterday and focus on what I can do today.
