i am hating. everyone for their non compliance to what i want. and their lack of anticipation for my needs. why do i think highly of myself. i hate what is going on and i have the tears. i do not cry for now. because i cried to all of them all in vain. i am hating because i can no longer write. my books, i placed them all in boxes. i cannot even show what happened to me. i cannot even walk straight without rethinking. they should have told me they owned me. i hate them. i hate them.

i envy those who can smile the bitchiest smile. i miss the old face i had. i miss it. i miss him. i miss all of them and their worlds started turning while mine stopped.
i do not know if i should start forgetting. because the pain is too much to bear. and there is nothing else i can do. damn this fuckn life . damn these maudlins .shit

you just told me that i would be there. and i went there. now you want me to remain/stay/freeze. i am most hurt. you should've chained my hands and feet. you should have taped my mouth. then you should have wrapped my body. i wonder why.
of all the people... you locked the doors outside while i waited withing. and my hopes you burned them. you suck.

why ma. can't you let me love.
why can't you set me free... let me go


why can't you.

on loving.

i told keryn to stop cursing. since it makes her sound cheap. without breeding and all that. then i went to that corner for a puff. why cant i just say smoke. what does that make me?. i already took back a lot of my words. i no longer know what is happening.

woman: welcome to SLU!!!

it keeps on playing in my mind. it doesn't stop. it can't stop. it seems that i hear a shattering sound all around me. my efforts my hopes my plans my dreams. where did they all go? i think there was some sort of mistake there was... somewhere i have thought of all of these...

woman: you will be a nurse.

yes. again i remember that very moment. and the time i said sorry on my mind for shifting. but what curse have you placed on me? i know i am brilliant(?) i know i can empathize with all those sick people. i just can't take it. i can't look a their faces. why? because i seem to feel every pain. who wouldn't want to be a super hero? who wouldn't want to take away all their pains. hospitals give me so much reality. they tell me who's the boss. i cannot take this. now you want me to go back.

yes. i am scared. i cannot, and to hell with what you say. i close my ear i want to end this. fuck what the hell am i saying.

the shock- i cannot describe it.
the pain- constantly stabbing pain, made me numb
surrendered to the human weakness i curse most. fuck you all. go to hell. for i know what i want. what do you know ? dumb ass

wahahha

prying bitch. his text message read: i am sad when you do not text ma. please text always... but rem i still luv you... i didn't mean to...- i can no longer see his phone screen dammit.

what do you know about Titanic? - it sold a lot of millions. and the hoarse voice of rose saying "jaaaack, jaaaack!!" haha

she told me, "tell me something about yourself." .. very long silence. then laugh laugh.

and all the rest must follow. and all the others must be done.

there was this bitch. (i call most women bitch- them who are unlike the rest, them who aspire individuality, them who are bad and them who are great- in this world the mediocresgo unnoticed, their existence unfiled.) whose boyfriend looked like a um- doesn't seem to be aware how fugly her girlfriend is- but i did notice, how facial expressions shift and body language follows. haha love or whatever they call it really drives people crazy.