im tired. but im still moving forward. im tired but i will still go on. being tired is an emotion. it is not a physiological state. entertaining it will stop me. i will stop when my body tells me to. i will stop when needed.
i just wish all this frustrations leave. i wish they vanish. i want my world back. i want my happiness. i want my passion. i want my love, my smile.

my desires are raining. i cannot catch them all. ahahahaa

i only want you to tell me. i have been understanding you the whole time. i do not know what exactly happened and you care not to even explain. that is the part that is hurting me most. the fact that you would not try just because i bruised your ego.

i know i did something wrong too but seems like you claim that everything is my fault. you are hurting me and every possible way and you are not doing anything about it. i never knew this part of you and surely i would not go on with this if you will not take this off. yes, if you cannot do this for me then enough of it. this is not the person i loved so much. and i will not take part of anything if this character is dominating you.

i cannot even move you from where you are. i cannot love you this way. the heck i only want you to tell me you're sorry too. and you do not want this. but your pride takes the center stage of your life. i must step down now for you to be the king of yyour world.

inspired by Serious Moonlight- starred by Meg Ryan and a guy... good movie!

when you make a promise, like loving someone forever can you say that you would still try keeping the promise even if someday you can no longer love the other? will you admit that you are the dumbest failure in this world when you break it? is admitting enough to the person who hoped because you actually promised? when in fact promises are not meant to be broken but you did.

can't you just say that "i will love you, and i will keep loving you even if i can no longer love you." why am i talking about this. why am i writing on a subject i know nothing of. why do i dare claim that i do have knowledge. well i just love claiming that i do have the knowledge. if that is so bad, why should it be that bad?

hayy i am hating. hating the fact that some people do not seem to realize what they are losing. i am so angry with those who throw away the chances. well haven't you lost enough? do you want to lose more of what is left? are you that dumb that you think like that? that slow that you have to think it over and over. when you are fuckin wasting so much time on sentiments and those and that. GROW UP! if you can't just go away! this world does not need your kind.

*anger management 101

-blog

san galing ang galit mo arleneee.

di ko alam...

gusto ko kasi mataas yung grade dun

sana ako na lang gumawa.

stressors

"editor ka gayam? nakitak jay nagan mo jay newspaper"...

in my mind, i am laughing so hard, hating every reason of saying that. sorry, i have buried that part so that it will not be that painful in remembering what i love most and what i imagined my life would be. But believe me , Mountain Collegian was one of the best things that happened to me. however, i must really go on.

"crush ka daw ni ..."

"sino?"

"yung ..."

"ay o? okay"

i reflected much on fidelity because i have seen much of infidelity. This is the moment you turn away from the buffet on the table! Because there's already someone in your heart and there is no more space.

"stressors... and its effectivity"

so much of ignorance. do not teach something you do not know. i will not curse your stupidity but i will learn from you. i will strive on learning so many things so that when i talk, i speak of facts.

i am tired, very tired of the things that are happening, things that i see will happen and the effects of things that happened. blah blah blah.

i am tired of sulking in a corner while nothing happens. i am exhausted. although there are doubts towards myself.. i do not know. i think i can or i know i can. i think i have to start living life and spend every moment of it with love and happiness in my heart.

TALK ABOUT POLITICS

? well, the talk about politics infuriates me. as if, as if some things will change. pardon if i am being a pessimist on this. well, people ask why Aquino takes the lead od being the president. i just think of course, of course! Ninoy and Cory Aquino were the only people in the government who fought for democracy back when nobody took the stand to even breath during the dictatorship. so what do you expect? what would people eventually expect from their son? of course something is expected from their son. wth cant people get that?

lets not refer to the couple as "mama and papa" for g*** sake. speak of them with respect because you and nobody could have ever done what they did. so tell me, why noynoy? why his parents? why ? why? wth. because something is expected from him. because his parents saved the Filipinos before. because for some reason he might be able to do the same. and of course of course the other candidates are also capable of such. however, the majority wins. more faith was offered to Aquino. we'll see. it is not the end of the world. why the hell are people panicking. as if they could have reacted when estrada became the president.

YESTERDAY

yesterday, i went out with the group. first with the boyfriend because he does not belong to the group meaning i treat him differently than the rest of the others. not that the others are _ than him but its just that the boyfriend is only one, the others are many.

yesterday, i went out with the group and the boyfriend. and it was fun. i was so happy to see the group and the boyfriend. still, it is so different being with the group and the boyfriend and the other group. the other group has more activities, most of which i cannot indulge because it involves...

yesterday, i recall them talking about personalities and the other people they do not get along with. i do not remember myself talking because i was sleepy i was only listening. and someone mentioned melancholy- i heard MELONCHOLY. did the bitch inside me awaken? dang i miss that drink. still i was effin sleepy.

yesterday, i was supposed to go to BGH. but i so hate everything right now and still i want to think i love it. kasi sayang ang oras sa pag-iinarte.

the other day, i told Mayrick, shit friend i am fucking brainier than all those losers who graduated-referring to those i saw in the other school. i am fucking way better in most ways. why did we not graduate??? i know you are fucking good too! he said. it is fine with me, i am not yet prepared to face the real world. then i agreed. it is indeed true. i needed my mother's fucking finances to satisfy my whims even if that means forgetting the fucking passion of writing. fuck. after packing all those fucking books and wanting to sell them- i kept them because when i build my house huh i will have a fucking library for that.

yesterday, C shared some maudlinssss with the rest of us. well, i cannot judge her with how she deals with her dramas. well, me i just love myself and like my friends pride comes first, because that is the only thing you actually possess. although i had my share of fucking flirtatious flirtations which are fucking shameful well, tapos na yun. well, C i just think that it is always better to entertain anger than sadness and self-pity. anger awakens every single cell in your body and it is invigorating. like me, i am so angry with what i did, with what happened because hell i am so fucking intelligent i can pass all those fucking subjects even if i would not try. see, the others- they failed and they tried. i do not understand them. when you chose something you are prepared to whatever that decision will slap into your face. and when you did not choose it, well you can fucking blame everyone for it. but had you not chosen that? i hate people who complain over some things that they can actually do something about. everything is fucking possible when you want to. there is no question to that. because i can attest to that.

so why are you complaining? you are so lucky to be there.but you see, i must think of myself that bothering about who will be the next fucking president. to hell with that.

i want to write a song. and a love story. i think i am making one right now. i think the words are just all over my mind and body and i would not want to gather them all right now, because then i would have nothing to do. then, i would be so bored. so right now, i am holding on the fascination i feel towards things. and if one day, i decide to write my story and my song, i hope you read it and i hope you will like it. because they would be the things that i wanted to tell the world so much. and you.

MIKASA

the lines went this way then it went up and down and round and round. sometimes my radar for pick-up lines are way to strong i absorb too many of them then i do not notice which ones are mine when i tell them. so i might say that i think like a salad. if that was gross to say whatever?

well, this days i am so busy or maybe not, i just like the idea that i am so busy and hahaha i really am. my social life is being cut and that really effin sucks because i am in a sort of real world now. i am surrounded by people who would do anything just to get past through everyone! ands that if i do not do something i will be left behind. i hate being left behind. but what is difficult is that i am used to having people lay the carpet on my feet and as i have said. this is indeed the real world.

i loved my old life? i loved my confidence slapping everyone's face with my brilliance! that was when i was surrounded by idiots. or i might be just as assuming as everyone is. see, brilliance does not have a basis. it is innate. hahaha talk about my defense mechanisms on some of my loser traits.

so while everyone is thinking of whom to vote for president i am here lamenting over my ancient dramas. that is i am so sad that i cannot do what i want. and that i cannot even do a proper NCP in 1 hour when everyone else can. blah blah. well, the reason why i will not vote today is that i went to the movies that night when all the lines were long and i was at the end of it with my dear neighbor.

there ///

seeing you go there. makes me vomit. makes me escape the appreciation of beauty and all the principles of aesthetics go falling and breaking on the ground.

things to do: stroll around and hahave funn
go there and have another funn
say that you love me.

i am crazy today. i am transferring to another school again. i have thought of it for some time. it is not that i do not like the old school but just, you know, me-bored and clumsy and impulsive... so i am here at another Institution. see, i actually do have some whims about my old school and to sum it up it is: i do not like being around people who have unstable decisions... the fact that i am here and they are up there puts me in a place that gives no right to question. and whatever i may say to today they would just dissmiss it. i am always wrong but i think, otherwise. school should be fun!

i am crazy today, i gave my Beatles book to a person i am not close to. but oh well-for the beatles!

The Lord of the Rings

"when the heart is starting to understand that there is no turning back"- frodo baggins

well, i have repeated watching this movie so many times, and it is not like watching Pride and Prejudice. this Trilogy really gets me frozen in my seat whenever it starts playing. why? because of the symbolism contained in it and there's just so many of it.

it is kind of an out of date movie but what the hell, Tolkien died and a lot of people started reading it, then some thought of making it a movie. it just breaks my heart, how everyone killed and died for that effin ring. hate it or not, shit happens. people become who they are when they are standing in a very very thin string, when strings are already thin. then we start gripping on anything.

well, the part that i really love most is The Return of the King. the last part, where Arwyn and Aragorn finally laid eyes on each other. i wish i had been there- it is the best love story i have ever witnessed. the whole sense of it was -they were able to wait.

then there was friendship. people not letting go even if you shake their assess and sting them, still they won't ever let go. and even if the best thing to do is to leave, but you just would not. i think Sam Wise was the portrayal of what people "should" be- judge, hate, or curse, doubt or do anything, but never leave a friend behind because that was not the reason you became friends -remember the time you both cracked into a laughter that nobody could stop.-countless right?

i think, the ring represented lust- since lust is a bit sexual and i am a big supporter of S. Freud and people just would do anything/everything, even stabbing from behind. i learned that "if only" life would have been better. i started understanding what i have read somewhere, that when the time of a person to die is near, it is not achievements, wealth...that they really ponder on during moments but how much they have loved, how they loved.

and again, i will watch the Lord of the Rings and say more.

reflections

"just when i thought giving up it the answer, i changed my mind."

yesterday, i played soccer with my cousins. and i really did not know how. all i knew was the game was all about kicking and running. that, i can do. so i went there not merely for the game but mostly for the picture-taking and the food. well, it was pretty fun. since all of us love talking, the game started with lots and lots of debates about this and that. even if reg invited a referee- we ended up sending him away because he might not get along. see, i think in our family, everybody thinks they are right, so in debates, a person who is not used to being around people like us, would be astounded. it is not really that easy to explain unless you go see. haha. having said that, the soccer game we played was so noisy. i mean the first time i saw a ball flying towards me, i screamed. then, the when i was a goalee, i can still see the ball in the air and i can hear all of them shouting "caaaatch!!!!" that's it.

right now, my muscles all over aches. but i did have a good time. then after the game we went to my uncle's house for snacks, which ended up to a dinner.

i would have chosen not to go but for a change, arlene. get a life. i would have chosen this and that. i remember that conversation with tomas when he asked, what is your favorite advertisement?" and i answered "the one with the line, look ma! i got dirty... but i learned."

and a lot more thoughts follow...

BRAGGING RIGHTS

there was a time when doors are locked on me. that was because i was damn late and that was the rule.
there were also those days when my mistakes were so dumb, people question if i have a brain.
and finally let me say this. i learned. my class may have begun since it is 8:55. but i am here torn between going to that class or not. see how deep i can be? i have everyday dilemmas of whether i will wear my uniform or not; of i will do that assignment or just forget it. and it all falls down to not doing anything. hayy because i am still passing. so effortless.

i watched Bruce Almighty yesterday. and i somewhat felt it. from the time i have been agreeing to my whims uhm, the consequences overwhelmed me. that means- having inc.s and that effin sucks because people here are like me. we neglect so that is why we do not have a case pres output because- they went to mla and i slept at kat's place and now we have zero and my grade is a passing score? wth.

so now enough with that. i want to find meaning already!!! hahahha life is all about that right. i'll go to class. dear diary

POSTERS

you lied to me benj. you said - you said you will try. how dare you benj you died.


if someone wants to read my thoughts i want them to know that i am not happy. i am not even satisfied with anything but i know that this is my fault. why in the first place did i even do that. why the hell had i opened up. i am not supposed to be here. this is not me.

so i begin loving coffee again. i start everything and i want to end it suddenly. if you ask me why i froze in the middle of everything. it is because i noticed that something is wrong. i hate it when you're too quiet. i hate it when people do not tell me things. and i always notice that. so long losers. you lied to me. why would you lie to me? you lied. i hate liars even if im among them.

out of town at last

kulasa got pissed because of a spoon (imagine that). i was standing in the backyard watching at the view around me. there was a bamboo tree on my right and a pine tree on the left. there was a fence before me and there's an open pit below that. the sky, well, it was clear of clouds. i feel the heat of the sun on my skin but the chill of the wind repels it. i feel good. the mountains here are green. everything is green.

before going here. i saw that most mountains no longer have trees in them. they are no longer green, no longer happy. so i do not want to talk about that. and yet i will talk about that. because suddenly my serenely positioned stance was disturbed by the cacophonies that came. they ruined my melody. they broke every piece of beauty in my perfect picture.

i thought. it was indeed so hard to sink in my solemnity if i am surrounded by people who do not have inspiration. i am not in a pedestal because i notice the very thick wall that separates me from this people. and neither me nor these people would want to break it.

and i will soon leave this place and i doubt if i ever step here again. but i will walk with this people still. i wish it is the other way around.

happy birthday

they ask me. why him. why even get back to him why ...
i do not know people. haha! maybe its love another haha!!! and i wonder too why we cannot have time. that is because we are both so different in so many ways. and yet seemingly very familiar with each other... very not bored um idk. im never bored. him being there is already okay. him existing is already worth living for. so why should i demand for more? even if my impulses wants him to be before my eyes i cannot. because he has a life to live and i do not want him to be my life. people can leave any moment.

so you ask me again why him. do i ask you why him? did i ask you why you chose him? sometimes you cannot question my choices. you cannot slap me with the words i have used before. and i do not need to explain to you why him. because how dare you ask that.

but i am thankful that you ask. i will answer here where you cannot read it, because you do not read. haha for that! i was not stupid. i was having illusions. that he is great. it might sound crazy that i think he is great even if you think that he is not great. you see, there is a reason for everything. he acts like that for a reason and because of my illusions i will understand those reasons fully. you know what i am talking about. the feeling of going back to where you feel at home. the feeling of just wanting them there and not considering all the other things. just them there is alright. but no. i am lying. again. because some people want me too. some people tell me how beautiful i am and those are what i needed to here. imagine how tight is my grip to these tiny strings. imagine that even in faces of temptations i think of him. and i never lie. i can never lie to him and to myself.

what the hell is happening to me? i can no longer have things my way. because in the first place i had it my way! lucky guy who never met the most bitchy person in the world. in my world. where everything is within my control. i miss her.

o well we are talking about him. i would have wanted to fall for the others. but they are not him. am i not pathetic? yes i am. to hell with it. i am still happy here. do not question my happiness.

say you're sorry

well. i left you a long time ago. now i am going back. i want to tell you all the things i saw. and all the places i have been to. and yet. i still have to embrace you and i have to kiss you because words are no longer important you are here.

you promise. you say now you'll stay. you will not go away you will stay. say it over and over again. i will not believe. you hold my hand and i will hold on to it. you will let go and i will release. do this- over and over again and i will slowly fade into the wind. and i will fly to the sky and i will be far away from here. i will have my wings and they will take me to all the places where i wanted to be.

i will not feel anything. not miss you not be sad not cry not breakdown. i will not embrace myself and wish that you were there. i will be tough i will not go back to you, because you are far away and you will not come to me.

BUTTERFLY EFFECT

my toes ache from too much walking. but i cannot just stop.
i want to go to a place i fell in love with
but it takes too much sacrifice to be there.
well for now i just imagine
that the water brushes my feet
the wind blows my hair
and he's not far from here

i think of the palm tree leaves
fields of sand
waves racing towards the shore
and the sun in its descending throne.

if only i could curse what keeps me here.
send them all to hell.
he'll burn their souls
i will not be happy
i want to turn back time
back to when i stood frozen from bending or letting go. )

but obviously this is not possible. moments from now i will sink again into my darkness. i will not know what to do. and im wishing that some divine guiding hand will spank my ass to death. i am praying that alcohol remain in my system for the time being. and also the nicotine in its ecstatic high numb me for eternity. i crave for all this because i do not like what it happening to me. and i am trying to like some things. i crave for all these because they are the only ones who help me in getting over my frustrations. my frustrations are in just one question. am i not the boss of my life? no. so i am becoming this person who keep on building walls of defense mechanisms to justify what is happening to me. and that is human instinct. i cannot help it because i am also human. what am i to you ? i wonder. because the last time you did not even hear what i have said. i have a very loud voice. and you did not hear it.

b1 and b2 are alcoholics. b1 now have a liver pus: he has jaundice and a sore throat. b2 cannot live a day without alcohol. g1 will bring something illegal in the mountains. and i will also try it. this is me ruining my life. and it is up to you if you can still hold on. because i know that right now i am the dumbest person in the planet. i am the most most foolish stupid creature ever. but this is me trying to control my life. trying to feel the effects of my own actions. i want to feel alive.

raannndomm

so hindi na tayo close dahil sa napaka-daming dahilan. at syempre kasalanan ko lahat kung bakit.

why tagalog.

well there are a hundred ways to tell how you feel. after watching a parokya ni edgar music video where they dance the BSB dance steps in a slower beat. but i must say it was a great! music video.

and reading this article about avoiding 10 substances to have a longer life makes me breath very very deep.it was the ten things i take in everyday. what is this article saying. or um is the author thinking? i mean, some dumb obsessive i-want-to-live long mind out there could be taking her advice. and that's just sad isn't it? because not everybody has an IQ of above a hundred.

i am not bitter
i am not bitter
i am not bitter
i am not bitter

i am happy
i am happy

i love what i do
i love what i do

how therapeutic.

student:mam o he would not give me my pen!
i was like um what? damn just get it and why do you need me to get it for you? can't you get it on your own? don't you have hands? you effin-

so that was it. that was the life i wanted so much i nearly died for it. i wanted to become a teacher. i wanted to ... i used a past tense does that mean.

..

my tears fall not because i am sad
they fall because they embrace freedom
they break free because they want to.
therefore, they live.

my eyes they close not because i am tired
they close to hide for a while
they close to reveal surrender
therefore, they live

i stopped walking
i stopped writing
not because i am weak
i stopped to breathe
i stopped to feel
therefore i live

rock transformations

i guess i no longer have it. i have thrown it far far away- beyond anyone's reach. i do not even know if i must be sad. i am wondering why i am feeling no remorse towards this. i have gone completely numb.

this struggle. i cannot fully grip on sanity. you want to know what happened that night? haha i woke up felt those hands but i never allowed it to go any farther. it was so funny. he said "my girl" why did he say that? he said i have a gorgeous body and that i should not deprive it from him. hahahah but then the touch went lower after it failed to go higher. and my hands went on top of his to stop it. he said oh-so you are conservative. then he was asking me to face him. i know what will happen if i face him. and when i did face him i pushed him away. no too much because he would fall off that effin couch. then he turned. i was wasted dammit. so wasted that i was so sleepy i can no longer complain on anything. had you been there the whole time with me? yes a part of it i thank you for that.

i do stupid things when im drunk. who doesn't? tell me and i'll ask you to fuck off. i woke up feeling no guilt from the fact that i am hooked. why should i ? i did nothing wrong. thinking about it i did never respond. i just allowed things to flow by the ways law of nature just as how i am trapped in another soul. i told him and he was asking me why i was telling it to him. i thought you could be my friend too. but of course my reasoning is impaired. so damn why i told you. it is always my fault. i am always wrong. just the way Pusit was never punished because i was wrong. he was human indeed. i thought we want the truth. and you cannot even eat my words or the fact that i tell every secret you tell me. i tell it to the dams and their water- they go everywhere. was that my fault? you were the one who told me. had you known i was one of the dams? so then i had not known too. bite me bitch.

i watched runaway bride- the story of maggie who thought she has reasons. true. why the hell should we always care about what others think. if we could step on everyone why not, the devil did that.

just a while ago i got a minus one. from not saying cover the linens- that shithead. that is a part of the assisting the patient to a comfortable position. that was why i was effin able to eat so many.