WHAT I WANT THIS CHRISTMAS

happiness, hope, satisfaction, faith, love, money, gadgets, books, you. you whose being and existence is not yet complete in the cage of my brain. show up, yes you. not you- i want you this christmas.


hi. well, it is a great day. let me share somethings that i know.

1. writing a poem:

- free verse is better than the rest. if you're an expert, though. you can do the others. writing you see, is an expression/
-use symbolism. if you don't want to be like me call your teacher pusit: to hide identity, but that's all you have to say, no more. or at least add some spice by, cursing him
-just let it flow, you see, when you write, everything becomes all about you. you own everything when you write, who doesn't want that.

2. reading:
- don't be a cynic. that would make you a perfect critic, because seldom could you appreciate.
- the lesser you read, the lesser you know. great knowledge is a curse. deal with that.
- if you have to cheat, cheat, if you have to steal steal. joke. karma is a bitch you know.
- know the principles of returning, karma is a bitch
-read the good stuff. yes to porn!- kidding. (gosh, we had a role play and my groupmates- mostly guys had gone topless)

3. movies:
-watch evrything, so that you'll know the good stuff
-go for award-winning

4. boys:
-they cheat, it is in their being that they lust everyone they see. lucky for you if you find a gay.
-don't be stupid. stay single, flirt a lot-better than flirting with only one.
-nice abs, is everything
-go for the brains. a decent conversation is all we want.
- don't expect them to be soft.
-*if in doubt- CONSIDER IT UNSTERILE.- that goes if your man acts like a uhm. gay

5. cheating:
-once you are caught. considered stupid

6. bored?
-drink beer, or coke, or ...
-read,
-talk.
-best: observe people, eavesdrop.

*end.

***

ZERO KNOW: ON HATING AND FORGETTING

you cannot hate her in front of me. you cannot tell me to hate her. why? because even if she lied a lot, even if she told all my secrets, even if she told you something is wrong with me, even if sometimes i hate her too. all the while she was the one who stayed.

i am missing you, i must say. but things return, like a wheel, sometimes its up or down... then so many things will happen. like how the earth erodes and grow. *what am i saying? hate is inevitable- do not blame me for that. i hate you still, i hate you all.

***

REMEMBER WHEN: MALVAR AND OTHERS

my only if's

you pulled my hair while scolding me. then slammed me near that door. you pinched my skin, it left its marks. then you hit me with that stick, so many times. i saw you even smiled.

you bruised all of my, my heart and my body. i am so sorry for still hating.

now i grew up. no one told me anything.
had i known what i should've done when they laughed at me when i was in front.
had i known that sleeping with a guy is cheap (no sex men!).
had i known that my enthusiasm would be mistaken as obsession.
and my mere innocence is stupidity
. i did not know- that failing a subject to be able to shift is an eternal stain in my transcript.
had i known that smoking nearly stopped my heart, i should have never stopped it.
if only i saw that guy's a real jerk,
i should have killed him.
had i known that it was i who looked like a slut, no.
had i known that staying in that place cost me so much trauma towards life?

malvar siege: review included

i really cannot tell. i know i have never played safe in my life, unlike the others who go with the flow. all i want is to live this life to the fullest since i have only one. no. pardon me if here i am again bragging about myself. i want everything in this life. i read malvar Siege's article. ask him if he himself doesn't want to be the next national artist. of course he does, he won't be a hypocrite for that. however, we all know-writers and non-writers, that luck in this field would be like shooting stars. as writers, we just write. we are all different so we will never know if somebody reads our pieces. we do not care because we just write.

if it comes to a point where all we think is pleasing our readers, we would be neglecting our responsibility towards this humanity-
we write to reveal truth, to lie, sometimes. we do not write for other people, we cannot advertise. why?- the evil in some journalists today rise when they protect some people, when they do not validate their facts in reports- shame on them calling themselves writers.

tell me one writes about life and heartaches because he wants other people to learn. nada. writer's write to satisfy the trembling of their fingers when emotions are overwhelming. and the product of this unconsciously enlightens other people, like seeing the sun again.

as in the case of today's mania over twilight, the main reason why some appreciate it so much is because they never knew "good" books. they read twilight because its a fad. they never read it because they read everything. they settle down there- the residues of real readers.

add: fow writers we mold our words- it is our choice to conceal it or expose it. no one can tell if we lie or not. for me this is the most precious gift given to each and everyone of us- sacred

edward cullen vs. lestat de lioncourt

-I'm sorry i have compared Anne rice's- lestat to Meyer's Edward Cullen?- i think Edward would be a gay- he's too soft, too conscious about love and all. while for lestat, all his features are manly. he's a rock singer, a writer, a killer. while Edward?- a pianist, vegetarian, imagine, he cannot even live without Bella?- maybe i am being a cynic. the thing is Edward claims to protect Bella but obviously he can't, especially from the Volturi and the cold. he's just lucky all the way since he has the rest of his coven. it is funny how s. meyer made vampire too soft for human emotions. crap.

I BOUGHT A BOOK: AND ITS NOT TWILIGHT

define
*bookworms: slimy, because all worms are like that.
i don't know. i thought I'd be in a movie house right now watching the Women- a meg Ryan, Eva Mendez and a lot more combo movie. i feel like watching it, maybe some other time. because i don't have money anymore, buying some books and i still have debts.

lately i have been thinking of formulating a project of my own. what the? i think i shall reduce my hyper-buying-impulse on anything i see, which always leads to me borrowing money. yeah- make that a new year's resolution.

next thing I'd collect some books. though the problem is: i read only the books that are recommended. then, Xavier, here told me to check on the praises for the book. (by the way, i saw another book written by that author of the monk who sold...-i did not buy it.) actually in his copy of the monk who sold his Ferrari- there was that praise from Paolo coelho- amazing! i wonder what other books do these great writers read.

then came Laura who buys books with those Pulitzer, and other awards logos. and only famous authors. well, at least you'd be sure that the book is a great one.

what is it really with books? a lot. great minds dwell in these worlds. we live in it. we breath on it. for some, they can die for it. sometimes it is funny encountering people who read less(here i am, self-proclaimed reader) you should see the transition in Laura's expression when somebody asked the Book store girl if they have a copy of Twilight: grr- for them to know that is a Bestseller- meaning, it is not the kind that would rot in a bookstore. RIGHT!!! OK- that was for -my goodness! there are a lot of book enthusiasts in this world. and they secretly dominate the world of books. well, for the others, they pile up themselves on other things- you know, the non-book things.

for now, i start buying books because finally i am living the life i want. my fate. before, i have been sulking in the idea that i betrayed my calling.(-_-)

next.

i like my classmates. haha they are fun. so much. but i flanked in a quiz. (stop me from saying shit) well, when do you start your competition spiel arlene!!! i do not know! because i do not like the subject because it is so related to nursing. in this field i feel like i am a star that cannot shine while i am in the wrong side of the sky. (waaaaaaaaaaaaaa) where do i really belong?! ok- end the drama. i failed because i did not review. my gosh- i thought i was bright. aw men! i can't afford another failure.

lastly i saw this things to do list i did last nov. 21

<> quit smoking
get a phone
save money- i have a piggy bank that is not actually a pig
<> high grades
<> be happy
<> boyfriend
dance/party-albertos lang
<> be an insomniac
watch twilight- with the rest of the guys
<> meet Tim Burton

***

why do i feel

like we were never there

we were,

but on a circle that collapsed on itself

MARKY CIELO

YESTERDAY, i was able to attend the funeral of one of Philippines young actors, Marky Cielo. actually, it was laura who dragged me there but i obliged anyway.

well, there were a lot of people. a lot of fans, i think, families, and some acquaintances maybe. i never thought that i would go there. i am not the kind who goes to hound over celebrities, you know. and besides it is a very sad occasion that i really resent.

looking around, i doubt if everyone is truly grieving. i have known death since my grandfather's. i have prayed fervently too, for a chance or another second, or minute. i know how his relatives have questioned God why he took him. i know that they have cried an ocean but nothing happened.

YESTERDAY, i thought, that was what i have been missing the whole time. i do not know how to grieve. i am just a mere witness to everyone's lives and that i just emphatize with them, nothing more, nothing less. or maybe i am wrong, but those people who went to the funeral, not all of them know Marky personally. but they went there. why. the reason they went there was not the same as mine. i just went there because i was dragged. but i must admit that i have felt the aura of sadness enveloping that place. it was so moving. but there's nothing to be done but place yourself in a state of grieving. where's the sense in that?

then it slapped me. Marky Cielo deserved it. he is a good person, if we base it on the number of people who went there. there was even that stupid thought that occured to me. what if he was my soulmate??? what will happen to me then? haha- Cielo had proved the world wrong of the wrong connotations towards Igorots and other IPs. in a way, he showed us all that to prejudice is wrong. i think i already have a crush on him.

well, i am not a fan, actually. as i have said i was just dragged by Laura. ok? .

***

i am pissed about how people react towards twilight. wataaaaffff&****! most people are over reacting. or i think they are reacting the way they should. but where is the sense in that? everyone is claiming Edward Cullen!!! -Rob Pat. and i would like to laugh. if they have to settle for Rob pat. so be it. as for me i'll have my own edward.

***

blow me,
gently to where
you want me

to a reader: thank you so much for appreciating.

THEY CAN FORGIVE; BUT THEY CAN NEVER FORGET

i don't know, maybe i am like any animal that is breathing right now. they have defense mechanisms. the kind that could either hurt others or leave them unaffected. so, i was just wondering, if I'm going to tell her: you are no longer a friend to me, i no longer know you, go away. then suddenly the day i thought of not going to that celebration, people started texting me of forget-the-past quotes.

my defense is actually this: i am so open. i am so vulnerable, fragile. say it. people could hurt, they could be stronger. but whatever! do what you want but you'll never have the chance to do it again.

am i again starting? one time i heard someone say: well, that is what writers do. i forgot what she added up on that. it was something like feasting on emotions. i was insulted. first, i really don't know if that was me. or if i should regard myself as a writer. or whatsoever. well, what they never knew was that this is all that i have. the only thing where i can spill everything, without exposing myself and all. i was kind of offended at the same time i remember what my aunt told me, in everything we do , we should show something, make people learn. that is the duty of artists. we cannot pull them from their world. but i was hurt by the statement: that's what writers do. am i wrong? that as if she looked down on me? and on my kind? well, hell i care( of course i care)

here is where i ponder: people read, people see. everything that we do. and in any way that sometimes we do not notice, we affect the others, we create changes. that is where we enter, what kind of change do we do? maybe people do not see it. maybe people do not care. but we do. we can be prostitutes too, we sell our beings, our thoughts, no, not sell, we practically give them away because that is what we do.

i don't know, if sometimes we criticize people we can never get away from praising ourselves or else we'll end up cursing who we are.

this morning when i was riding the jeepney the woman in the middle said: istimaren yu gamin ta pagtugaw yu (sit properly so that there'll be more space) then i looked at her and saw her sitting, her legs diagonal. ironically, i was sitting that way too.

***

yesterday, my nose bled like that when i was hit by a volleyball. really dripping blood from my nostrils. well, i liked blood. i thought it would stop but it didn't.

TWILIGHT blues

my head aches over moments like this. i think i cannot live without writing, or talking or doing anything at that. i do not know what i am thinking about right now. i just do not know anything lately i figured out, i want to be a DJ, Ha! i mean, my voice is cool-define cool. i did a lot of practicing you know, like talking. it is fun. i know i do the obligatory "um" in between my talks with other people i just do not like seeing jaws dropping and all. oh- i am not bragging, i just love myself and everything about me, and that's the way it should be, right?

maybe i want to watch "Twilight" again, heard that? i just don't know why some people do not know it and the others have no plans of watching it. i hear a lot of reasons. well, for me, it is just that Twilight is a happy novel, it imposed an ideal guy for all the other "girls" of my age out there. i want to shout at cynics that this movie is great!!! well, maybe they are not happy at the moment that's why they can't feel it. though, i must admit that i was a bit disappointed in the outcome of the movie. well, that's normal right? nothing is perfect. i think satisfaction is truly subjective. as with the choosing of the actors from the movie. well, if i am Hardwicke, can i get actors from One Tree Hill? sorry, i recently finished the story, so i am still crazy about the rest of the guys there. i think Murray could be a great vampire. well, if some would object i understand. well, i do believe that they chose actors with the vampire or British features. right? well, i think Stewart was fine. i read a review, wherein they explained that Bella could be any girl. well, we all can see that Stewart was not that beautiful.

i tried to compare the reactions of those who watched the movie, from those who read the book and those who didn't. well, most of my friends read it. as for my sister, she was so crazy about it. sometimes i wonder if she's the only one like that in this world. she was screaming and giggling, almost acting like a teenage girl, i think she's just happy about it. i also read another book review of Twilight where the writer, who was a guy, was " disgusted" in the way Meyer wrote Twilight. i think i understand him because he's a guy, and the Book contains overflowing praises to Edward. for a guy, a straight one, it would be gross for him to get carried away, right?

*****

while i was walking towards my next class, i failed to see that guy, well, its okay. maybe it's not meant to be. i still know nothing about him until now. but who cares? i do- great day!