Accepting My Circumstances

Well, I am sad again for reasons that I denied myself from the past. Such as, loving myself for what she deserves. I should have soul searched even before or did what I love most.

But then, I can still choose to be happy. I will then choose not to hate myself for all the mistakes and frustration that I myself caused for this past months. I will face the consequences of my actions like an avid learner of life. This is the best time to learn from my mistakes. Trying to be someone is just so tiring. I want to  live my life to the fullest by not focusing on the bad things.

In the past months, I realized that the most brilliant people do not know what to do when faced with challenges that was not written in the books they have read. Among these, are coping, holding on and being strong when it seems impossible to be strong. But for some reason, they still find their way around it, just like everybody else.

Right now, I am again afraid of what is to come. But, regardless of the outcome, I will look at it as a lesson learned.

There will always be another day. Another chance. Another way.

THE TEN THOUSAND THINGS

Politics.
The game, so dirty, I do not want to play. But here I am talking about it. Here I am trying to enter it.

Love.
The most painful yet fulfilling encounter. I drowned but then I rose up to struggle and survive. Indeed, it healed and changed me.

Passion.
So easy to say yet so hard to act on. Maybe, because of the fear of failure or to love again.

Conviction.
Like saving the world or humanity as our superheroes opted. But life is a cruel bitch. It throws obstacles that dares you to push through.

Pain.
Above all is the fear that keeps us alive. The sole reason of existence. The reason to live. The thing we so ardently fight for.

ORGASMIC LOVE

Let the positivity begin.

I love to write. There is peace in writing because you let it all out without inhibitions. I always come back to this when all is lost. I find refuge in living the moment in my own mind.

I love to read. Somehow, going into another person's mind is knowing that we are all different and its interesting to know other people. Also, I love the sent of books. The paper assaulted by dust, time and air exhumes a scent that well, I call Orgasm of the Nose.

I love to eat. There will always be that sort of pleasure that happens within me when the food is good. So I always try to feel it. In the words of a playful I call it Orgasm of the Palate.

I love to travel. When you are that person who seem to be looking for something that knocks on you on the back of your head, it helps to go to places. Sight-seeing is also Orgasm of the Eyesight.

I love to talk to people. Of course while considering stranger-danger. But to talk about culture, life and love with people who knew it best for having been there, is Orgasm of the Mind. New knowledge gained from raw knowledge is the most genuine of them all.

I love coffee. Thank God, there are a lot of coffee shops in my place and I get to try them all. I do not know but besides the fact that coffee makes me alert. I still did not figure out why bitterness and sweetness goes perfectly well in this one drink. It mere depends on preference if you want it cold or hot.

I am finished with all the things I love. I am so sorry for those whom I have hurt because I tried to change it. Well, I was never that person who loves to go home drunk and wasted because I partied all night. The morning after is what I loathe the most because of the guilt sceaming inside me. Nor did I like men hanging around because I never liked being touched. I have realized that I love being alone and on my own. It is who I am. It is simple as that.

I read my past posts and I was inspired again because of my own words. Indeed, problems strike other people and there is always that tendency of becoming good or bad. I choose to fight besides the strong urge to give up and die. Then, I thought, life is a pie. There are a lot of portions and you have to acknowledge the fact that you might fail on the other slices.My point is just live. It is always your disadvantage if you let yourself be defeated by all the f***** problems that come. Because the best is yet to come.

THE SUPPOSED HATE AND SADNESS POST TURNED OUT TO BE GOODIE GOOD

Pain comes back as soon as it goes. It is like a boomerang that finds its way back, to stab and strangle me all over again. It really hurts so bad and I cannot seem to get over it. I cannot seem to forget. That you left me and well, it really looks like you are not coming back.

I became so tired of comments that I am stupid and well, too slow. Why did I become so weak?

Recently, I have been asked a lot of questions about letting go or holding on towards relationships. I wish I could tell them all the negativity that I have realized. All things are not permanent. We all know that but somewhere along the path we deny ourselves the reality that could have saved us in the end. But for a momentary happiness we sacrifice our rationality just to feel alive maybe.

Enough with that. I was told a while ago that well, if you allow yourself to be defeated by external stress, you will die early. I just have to try to be stronger. I just have to gather strength from those who also struggle like me. Well, I will not give up on this. I will not give up on myself and my dreams. Love is just one aspect of life. It is not everything. Or should I say. A man is not the sole source of happiness. At least, that is what I realized now. There are those who tried to save me when I ran to their arms for comfort and refuge. I asked for help because I needed it. I acknowledge the mistake and my defeat. I have to thank those who understand me and those who tried to help. Also, I still appreciate those who told me that this is not me. Thank you for shaking my shoulders and waking me up from this nightmare.

I guess there are also those out there, with the same suffering as mine. Well, I actually do not ask for him back because right now, I am just waiting for him to come back. I was just kidding myself. Today and now is the perfect time to remake myself. I will play the game of life fair and square. I will not be defeated by this I will win.

AFTER I WATCHED SILVER LINING

So what if I got my heart broken? I drunk myself to death and it is still there. I craved for chocolates, cigarettes coffee and a lot more. But it is still there. 

Before this, I know that I myself have complications. Then I found someone whom I can lean on. I made him the wall that I can still stand straight. I made him the reason for my happiness and the reason to smile. I made him the person I ran to when I have a bad day. He left me. I am alone now. 

People, who are outside my situation, will think that I am being weak and pathetic. That I have to be strong because I am. I was even told that I am supposed to know what I am doing. But I do not really. I have no idea how to cope with this. I never had this. I no longer have that wall to lean on and that person to ran to because I am having a very bad time. What am I supposed to do without him.

For months and months I thought of this. I watched movies and read self-help books. I realized that I actually knew what I must do but I do not want those options. These options include moving on and just accepting that he is gone. If I look back, I just cannot do that. Then there is this voice behind my head that tells me and pushes me forward.  Nudging me to make the right decisions. I am so scared that I might not become the same person after this. I might lose that girl who loved the idea of love. But let us face it. Let us be it. Have fun my love. This is just the journey towards becoming that better person.

As I go on through life, I learn a lot of things. 

1. That you have to go with the flow

2. In every situation, expect the unexpected

3. Love unconditionally and do not give up

4. Pain is a source of strength

HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE

It is a battle that I must face everyday. In my mind, my thoughts wrestle between going straight to the bar and drink all the alcohol they have or not doing that.

Everyday, I gather strength from the little stock I have kept in my sanity. My prayers will always include getting over this and having victory.

I always wonder, which is better? Is it to talk about it or not really even think of it. Occasionally, either of them is effective. Sometimes, none of them is effective. By then, I would find myself drinking in any bar that first came to my mind. I know that this is self destruction. Right now, I hate the authors who told me through the books I read that the men will come and save me when I needed them or specifically when I am self-destructing. You ruined my life by telling me that such men exist.

So here I am again. Lost in my sadness and drowning in my sorrow.

But then, I am bigger than this. I will go to school now and just be there.

OTHER THAN THAT

This day, I went out to meet a good friend whom I seldom see because she lives far away now. I wanted to cry when the day was about to end. She is one of the people I ran to most of the time when I feel low. Also, she has the same interests as mine and I always felt some sort of connection when I am with her. 

Well, our topics would go through love, life and career, among other things. I never had this in the past months. I feel sad and at the same time happy that it ended but at least it came. 

Sometimes, people are sent back to a certain time to allow them to feel it again. Of course, we have separate lives now and that we certainly should see each other less. We have to be on our own but that does not mean that what we had ended. 

Why must we be placed in a situation that forces us to remember the past?

There are so many reasons. Reasons that we can choose from, as to what we must remember to feel. It may be happiness or the despair that it is not present and existing right now. This reason should only comprise of what was positive in those memories:

There was that time that you learned to love and to give without reservations. Then, you had to be left alone because you have to learn how to survive in times of adversities. Because some things ought to be done alone. You can think of other reasons, aside from this. But all you must think of must be bent towards the purpose that you are being improved by the circumstances. With that you must understand that the pain you felt from these lessons are inevitable. But they are the casts that supports your existence. 

Stay positive and do not give up.

CHANGES

Changes are fearful. Yet, its effect is massive and permanent. Once you accept it, you are changed into a different person from that you knew before.

Why am I afraid of change? Why can't I accept the fact that people may change the roles they play in your life? Well, it struck me again. I am afraid of changes and I take so much time moving on from one phase to another. At first I thought that this is the way of living life, you should stop and smell the roses. But then, the more I do this, the farther becomes my distance from reality.

But then again, every person is distinct in their own ways. You can leave it just like that. What if this is just my way? Well, no one can object to that.

I am happier day after day because of this new found way of thinking about things. First, you know your fears and second, find your way around it.

Upon realizing that all the while I was scared and insecure of myself and my abilities, I started to stand up. Let loose and spread the wings to fly.

Life becomes a better picture when you start thinking positive. Even if the circumstances may deprive you of such way of thinking. Remember not to allow yourself to be defeated by negativity.

P.S

I must thank my dear friend who indirectly told me to think like a grown up. You always say the right words. And yes, it was wrong to be weaker than who I really am.

In the past months, I became that girl who was drunk everytime she felt bad or remembered something tragic. I would go home at the wee hours of the morning and spend the next day on my bed because I was hangover. I am never proud that I did those. Again, I asked myself why I was not proud. The answer is because it was not me.

After the indirect statement of my dear friend and the realization of my shame, I begun asking the question "is this me?", whenever I do something. It is so effective. Now I am back to blogging, reading and watching movies. Yes, this is so me.

BACKWARDS

There will always be that time of the day when the law bends towards anyone. Usually, this happens after dark when the policemen go home and the traffic lights are turned off. People can violate all laws or rather, everything becomes legal. During this time, people can kill, rape and steal. They can intensify their acts by adding immorality and aggravating circumstances. Evil takes over the minds of some, who become puppets of their own desires.

This is a vicious cycle that we all have to undergo everyday. In the morning, the traffic lights are turned on the the policemen come out. It all comes back to the order we all hope for. The day continues and goes on but again the night comes and the safety of the locked doors are all that we have as a protection from what lurks outside.

I guess, in connection with this, there are those aspects in life that confront and challenges us on a regular basis. One could succumb to the thought of being trapped in that vicious cycle. Or can come out and defeat them all.

They always say that happiness is a choice. But this is a hateful hateful sentence when you confronted with a situation that is too much to handle. I will not drink for this. Even to think is painful.

WHAT TO DO WITH LIFE ON EARTH

People just have to appreciate what they have at the moment. Take a deep breath and smile. Be thankful of what you have right now and just ravish the juices of its existence. 

The worst thing that you can do right now is to delve into your misfortunes. And hate or blame someone for you failures. 

I am just so happy right now because I choose to be happy. There are no reasons to be sad actually. So, right now, I will enjoy my life to the fullest.

Awhile back, I was walking home and it was dark. I know the dangers of going home too late. And so, I prayed. I prayed for safety and happiness while I will take my steps towards my home. I told God a line from the Bible, though I walk in the valley of death, I shall fear no evil, because I know that he is with me at all times. 

Fear, Sadness, and Frustration have one and the same effect. They all stop you at your tracks and render you frozen from where you are. These emotions place a blindfold on you which makes you focus on the darkness first than on what you really have to do. Most of us give in to what they intend to make us feel and do. After that, it will be too late to realize that you wasted a lot of time on sulking in the corner. In fact, you can actually get over something more efficiently if you do two things. First, let yourself feel it. Second, stop and stand up from where you are. 

Well, primarily, you have to choose to be happy. Everything will follow from then on. From my own experience, drinking alcohol and smoking too much is not a proper option but it is the easiest way to escape. By choosing the easy way means deciding to be weak or losing from the game of strength and courage. If you do choose to be weak, the effects are rapid but temporary. The feeling of depression will come back as a boomerang. It will hit you right in your face. 

Then again, before you do anything, life will always be a matter of choice. You can dwell on that or not, You can stop or move on. You can do something or not.

The single mistake of people who give in to their problem is this: they think they have the biggest problem on earth. They are wrong because other people will claim otherwise. Other people, who like him, would rather choose to be weak. But then, deciding to make a wrong decision is unfair to those who are less fortunate than you. They struggle to survive while you give up. You failed to see that you deserve what you have that is why it was given to you. Like a paycheck from a month's pay, no one can have a right to enjoy that but you. 

Thank you Lord for those people who helped me stand.

Random Thoughts From Two or Three Great Movies

Passion is the one word that is easier said than done. Fear is another word that is tempting to succumb to. Love, on the other hand, is that thing that keeps us going. Where are the other values then? 

There is gratitude. To the everyday life that we are granted. There is faith. It keeps us sane when all things are lost. 

Peace, I think, is also another thing that we all try to be in. And satisfaction is another word to ponder on. Well, I think the biggest word is just happiness. 

I am currently reading a book, The Power by Rhonda Byrne. Someone suggested that I read it to have all my questions answered. Well, it did. These days, I felt lighter than ever. Just now I understood what they always told me and what I read everywhere. Happiness is a choice. Right now, I just choose to be happy because I deserve it. I have a right to life, liberty and property.Let us not talk about dying but let us focus on living. 

Before, I was that girl who got her heart broken and lost it. I thought he was happiness and peace, among other things. Then, he left me and I went insane. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a deep s*** and we think other people do not really understand what we are going through. As a result, we seclude ourselves from them and just allow ourselves to feel the pain. Wrong. It was really a waste of time to think I have a broken heart. 

Well, I guess, I have to thank those who helped me get through this. Thank you to these persons, who cried with me over the bottles of beer. Thank you to the man who gave me the first flowers that I have received in my life. I learned that he personally arranged them and I really appreciate it. Thank you to this person who well, I do not know what you did exactly but you made me think about a lot of things.

Recently, I watched Life of Pi over and over and just a while ago, I finished watching the Blindside. These movies thought me a lot of things about how I can live my life better. Even Iron Lady actually. One's life must matter said Mrs. Roberts.

I also remember what ate Korr told me. She said, I must not destroy myself. I must try to be that perfect person. Someday, I will find another perfect person who will in return make me the happiest of them all. I just love this feeling. Now, I have to review.

Life of Pi: Review

There are those things that define absurdity and that of reality. However, there are also those times when you get lost in between and being lost in it does not really mean anything.

On watching the Life of Pi:
First, things happen and there is no need to put meaning to that, said Pi. This is something that I have not realized in the past. I must not dwell on things too much. Life must always move on forward. Or else, we die.

Second, fear is a very important thing. It keeps the mind alert. Pi realized that since he never plotted to kill the tiger. Indeed, we should never try to overcome our fears but let them be there. Allow them to stay in the midst of our everyday lives. But then there are rules to follow. These are by keeping boundaries and maintaining the distance. Fear must not consume but its main function actually is to keep us at watch in everything that we do.

Third, faith is something that gives us peace. God is that higher power who provides and watches over us. Well, He is that divine being who blesses us and teaches us lessons when we need it. He gives us trials and problems to make us stronger and wiser.

This movie taught me a lot of things. I learned that well, we just have to live. Sometime in the future we will learn the cause and benefit of the happening of things. We will soon see. This person who wrote this never knew that he made me think of the lost I have been throwing at myself. Thank you. We must all strive to give inspiration and to extend a helping hand.

The Thin Line

I am at war with myself. My desires and reality are waging atrocities against each other, while I stay in the middle clasping my knees because I do not know what to do. I now understand what that thin line is. The thin line that separates sanity and madness, good and evil, reality and fantasy. At some point in life, we all get stuck in that thin line and the war with ourselves begin.

I wish I could be more specific with my want and needs. The idea of them have always been abstract, such as, I want wealth and happiness and I need satisfaction. Then I get lost as to what really defines these things.

Yesterday, I already broke one of my new year's resolution. I then became frustrated for that fact that I kept on losing in this game of dares. I cannot quit some things but I am really working on that. And I hate being defeated. Then the next question comes what I want? What I need? what I have to do and everything. I figured it out. The idea of mind over matter. I thought of this while I was walking with this person. I realized that I never want to go back to that dark place again so I will not even think of taking steps backwards. Life should move forward. We all know that but then we get lost in the translation.

Recently, I bought a very expensive book about self-discovery or what they call self-help books. It was true what they say, that we know those ideas already. We just believe them when we read it in hard copy. Deep inside us, we know that we have heard of them somewhere. Somewhere in our experiences in the past. We just do not believe in ourselves. Right now, we have to believe.

I noticed a thing or two with filthy rich people. They are just so confident about themselves. I believe that this is because of their ample amount of experience and that they learned from their mistakes. One can never go away from mistakes but then that is where another day comes or another year. We can do it better next time. The good thing is at least we learned.

There was never a book or a philosopher who can tell me how to better live my life than myself. In this world, we just have to make our own mistakes and learn from them. So I am telling myself now that I will fully embrace more heartbreaks, more failures and more challenges. I will live this life to the fullest even if it throws upon me burdens that make me doubt my capabilities. I will be strong, like the three hundred warriors of Sparta.

So I guess, I just have to stop dwelling on my mistakes yesterday and focus on what I can do today.