rock transformations

i guess i no longer have it. i have thrown it far far away- beyond anyone's reach. i do not even know if i must be sad. i am wondering why i am feeling no remorse towards this. i have gone completely numb.

this struggle. i cannot fully grip on sanity. you want to know what happened that night? haha i woke up felt those hands but i never allowed it to go any farther. it was so funny. he said "my girl" why did he say that? he said i have a gorgeous body and that i should not deprive it from him. hahahah but then the touch went lower after it failed to go higher. and my hands went on top of his to stop it. he said oh-so you are conservative. then he was asking me to face him. i know what will happen if i face him. and when i did face him i pushed him away. no too much because he would fall off that effin couch. then he turned. i was wasted dammit. so wasted that i was so sleepy i can no longer complain on anything. had you been there the whole time with me? yes a part of it i thank you for that.

i do stupid things when im drunk. who doesn't? tell me and i'll ask you to fuck off. i woke up feeling no guilt from the fact that i am hooked. why should i ? i did nothing wrong. thinking about it i did never respond. i just allowed things to flow by the ways law of nature just as how i am trapped in another soul. i told him and he was asking me why i was telling it to him. i thought you could be my friend too. but of course my reasoning is impaired. so damn why i told you. it is always my fault. i am always wrong. just the way Pusit was never punished because i was wrong. he was human indeed. i thought we want the truth. and you cannot even eat my words or the fact that i tell every secret you tell me. i tell it to the dams and their water- they go everywhere. was that my fault? you were the one who told me. had you known i was one of the dams? so then i had not known too. bite me bitch.

i watched runaway bride- the story of maggie who thought she has reasons. true. why the hell should we always care about what others think. if we could step on everyone why not, the devil did that.

just a while ago i got a minus one. from not saying cover the linens- that shithead. that is a part of the assisting the patient to a comfortable position. that was why i was effin able to eat so many.