random

sometimes, when we want to grab something we create an illusion that we are able to have what we want. and with that we just... let me say everything that comes into my mind. usually i do not take things seriously, because im scared i do not succeed, im scared i'll lose it. until now i am trying to understand my behaviors towards things and the reasons behind this. i figured out that the way i act is oftentimes related to my past.



when i was in highschool writing was one thing i did take seriously. and i loved it. but why my works has to be claimed by others and why press freedom should be suppresed and why nobody knew are some things i really fail to understand. thus when i joined a college pub i was overwhelmed (ITS SO GREAT HERE!!!) BUt my past remains. that i learned never to give a hundred percent to what you do because they may take it away. that at least just give a little part of you.

however, in writing i feel that my limitations are seen in the way i write. and i get so frustrated.all i have is passion, and the inspiration that occassionally flows through me. inspiration that only attacks me if im in a bad mood. and without that inspiration i am nobody but just another person who wants to be someone.

im still confused. is it wrong? or i do not know. a while ago i was so scared of that stairs. that dark side of the building. those hands. that door. the wind. no i did not see anything but i felt something. i felt something that made my heart race. i do not ever want to return there again.

i wonder, is this a part of me. that part who does not want to take risks. i know iam like that. but i also know that if its worth it go for it.

let me tell you another thing, i am kind of scared to get my heart broken. but i have to right? i do not know, ...