SAVING GRACE

i'm done with being a pessimist. i am so tired of being miserable. i cannot let them lead me to my failure, because they are not me.

why can't i just tell their faces to shut the hell up? because their voices are ringing in my ears! i cannot take these. people are not like me. and that's the thing. seldom do they understand that i myself do not really understand them. that is why i always think that i do not belong in this world. that sucks. it's just that i am not like everyone- is that my fault?

so maybe i am too judgemental or maybe too much. i get on people's nerves and im always successful on that. at least now i can say i am living my life. and you don't. that is not my fault anymore. or that can't be your fault. because i am so pissed right now and everyone around me trully sounds irrationally stupid. so what? im the one pissed not them! i can't take this anymore! there's nobody like me! oh well- i can live with that.

so my allowance has been cut. that's why I'm pissed, and really, some people were stupid and i don't know why. i don't know if any of this is my fault or its just me. -JUST ME! well it's not my fault if things are not going my way- but i really do hate it. i hate it . grr- i forgot i am in good mood.

but why is it that others cannot even think! i mean- use their brains in a way that they could be productive? WHHYYY?

so I'm on my mantra again, cool down. imagine ice melting-how refreshing. sometimes i think I'd suffer from hypertension years from now. or maybe I'd die from stroke. i hope i won't get those suicidal attempts again. well, recently i felt those heart palpitations and uncontrollable muscle spasms- um after i smoke? ha ha and drink coffee. I'm so acting like them! of course my vices cause those. that's why. well i do know that. but how about the sudden sharp pain i feel in my abdomen? and the blurring of my eyes and the headache? i do not know how migraine feels but i know it is a headache? could that be a result of my reading while I'm riding the Jeeps?

ugh- i wish i die from a deadly disease for people to realize that i am a trully great person. right? who believes that? joke. hideous joke. i never thought I'd suck anyway. not after nearly entering a wrong classroom.

well, i do know that sometimes i look like a dork. you know- phone ringing loudly in the class, or that unforgettable teacher-looking-like-a-student? ha ha- anyways that is what's amazing with me. i smile- at everything. ha! who does that?! the music here sucks. bye.