I wonder what you are doing today, as I start to write again. For the past months you have been dwelling in my mind and you never failed to captivate me.
Today, I will talk about the changes I want for another new year. I will share with you the deepest hopes and the silent plans I have been pondering on for this past days.
First, I want to build a foundation for children whose parents cannot support their education. A couple of years ago, I learned that some of the children from my own province do not go to college because of the utter lack of financial supplies.
The second is to do good in school. They all told me that the secret of being a good lawyer is to start reading now. And so I shall.
Third, I really plan to quit my vices: being late, smoking and too much drinking. I read a book that says just tell yourself that you are opposite those things and you will be. Actually, I started already. Still, quitting a part of the routine is difficult but then nothing is impossible if you want it. Then I discovered that diverting your thoughts is very effective and not thinking about it.
Fourth, this year, I will buy a car. I am so tired of walking, waiting for a taxi and very long travel time. I need a car and I will get one.
Last words:
Life is all about waking up, and just moving on. We all die but then should that thought make us throw away the new chances that come everyday and every year. I would say that since I will die just the same, I must feel and really exploit the sense of living. It starts now.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
One More Try: A Review
This is a story of a drama-gone-bad because of a wrong advise from a doctor.
First, when a child is to be born for the purpose of supplying certain needs of another child, such as a specific type of blood, tissue or other body parts, the genes must be engineered to obtain the specifications. You cannot just expect that because a child is again born by the same set of parents, the blood type and other bodily characteristics will be the same. Hence, the process will be completed by in vitro fertilization.
The movie revolved around this idea. It emphasized the need for the two persons to mate again to have another child. Thus,implying that they will bear a child who's body type will supply the specific bone marrow the other child needs. Obviously, the makers of the movie failed to research the factual basis of their plot. Research would say that this is solely done by genetic engineering and completed by in vitro fertilization. At the end of the movie, I thought that it is just sad that the characters of the movie had to do all those because of a wrong medical advice. The character of Angelica P. was right when she said that they could send the child abroad for a better treatment. Sadly, in the presence of a loyal friend of a doctor, Grace and a cheater for a husband, her suggestion went up like a smoke.
On the other hand, well, the hardships a mother can bear when her child is in dispute is effectively shown in the movie. The characters are very realistic. I find just sad that the drama was rooted from a failed research. The media must be aware of their role to provide factual information.
First, when a child is to be born for the purpose of supplying certain needs of another child, such as a specific type of blood, tissue or other body parts, the genes must be engineered to obtain the specifications. You cannot just expect that because a child is again born by the same set of parents, the blood type and other bodily characteristics will be the same. Hence, the process will be completed by in vitro fertilization.
The movie revolved around this idea. It emphasized the need for the two persons to mate again to have another child. Thus,implying that they will bear a child who's body type will supply the specific bone marrow the other child needs. Obviously, the makers of the movie failed to research the factual basis of their plot. Research would say that this is solely done by genetic engineering and completed by in vitro fertilization. At the end of the movie, I thought that it is just sad that the characters of the movie had to do all those because of a wrong medical advice. The character of Angelica P. was right when she said that they could send the child abroad for a better treatment. Sadly, in the presence of a loyal friend of a doctor, Grace and a cheater for a husband, her suggestion went up like a smoke.
On the other hand, well, the hardships a mother can bear when her child is in dispute is effectively shown in the movie. The characters are very realistic. I find just sad that the drama was rooted from a failed research. The media must be aware of their role to provide factual information.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Thoughts On A Love Story
I had been in a very deep ****. Lost in translation and was let loose from my chains. They all happened at the same time. Thus, I succumbed to my demons, such as smoking and drinking until I felt my lungs heavier and my body weaker than before. I know of other people who had been here before. They survived. I kept on asking them what they did and how they have done it. To no avail, they have no answers for me. I guess that is another point for just live life and have fun, these are just bumps along the way.
My problem actually is, a boy, whom I thought would love me for eternity. Now, I have learned that they leave. They all come and go. There is just something with me that makes it so difficult to move on. I just do not let go. I have had friendships for a decade that I have maintained in close ties. This one wants to cut all the bonds I had with him. I cannot do that. I am not used to that. But then, I guess it is a high time to make changes. So I have to let him go then too by cutting all the bonds. I find it so sad to be doing this.
Yesterday, I watched a movie, One More Try, a Filipino film about a mother who had a son with man, who then have a wife, and when her son became very sick she tried to reach out to the father. But then, the options regarding the treatment because too few that they have to do things that are just out of the question. You have to watch it yourself because I do not want to be a spoiler.
I just realized from the movie that falling in love is just too painful and too risky. So I then thought of a better way of my passionate emotional outbursts. Service, yes that is the word. I can drink and smoke my life away because of the circumstances of my life but that would be a waste of life. I would rather give and share what I am wasting now with those who need it. Maybe, at the end of the day I will find that semblance in life that I am so much longing for.
Still, I lack ways of materializing what I am saying now. But it is a process. Nobody succeeded in just one day.
My problem actually is, a boy, whom I thought would love me for eternity. Now, I have learned that they leave. They all come and go. There is just something with me that makes it so difficult to move on. I just do not let go. I have had friendships for a decade that I have maintained in close ties. This one wants to cut all the bonds I had with him. I cannot do that. I am not used to that. But then, I guess it is a high time to make changes. So I have to let him go then too by cutting all the bonds. I find it so sad to be doing this.
Yesterday, I watched a movie, One More Try, a Filipino film about a mother who had a son with man, who then have a wife, and when her son became very sick she tried to reach out to the father. But then, the options regarding the treatment because too few that they have to do things that are just out of the question. You have to watch it yourself because I do not want to be a spoiler.
I just realized from the movie that falling in love is just too painful and too risky. So I then thought of a better way of my passionate emotional outbursts. Service, yes that is the word. I can drink and smoke my life away because of the circumstances of my life but that would be a waste of life. I would rather give and share what I am wasting now with those who need it. Maybe, at the end of the day I will find that semblance in life that I am so much longing for.
Still, I lack ways of materializing what I am saying now. But it is a process. Nobody succeeded in just one day.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
SCOLDING MYSELF
There are those times when you just want to breathe and let all the pain and frustrations flow out from your body. You want this when you suddenly notice that you are ventilating all the anger to other people, hurting those you love most. But then, they are the ones you know you can successfully hurt because they love you and you know they will still be there. The thing is, the pain you cause now might leave scars that are too painful and do not heal. The thing is, you might be wasting precious time in hurting them.
What then should you do?
1. Confront your demons.
2. Make peace with yourself
3. Say sorry
4. Know that tomorrow is another day.
5. Reject temptations
Also, when you get used to doing things, seeing things that are not ordinary, they become a normal part of life. I know I am correct in doing this, which is running away from it and going far far to where it will not try to haunt me. It scares me so much that I might commit mistakes that could change my life completely in a split second. I do not want to because I have my dreams. My goals in life, I know, are unreachable but I will reach for the stars. But then I found friendship with those who dig shallow aspirations compared to mine. I think they are pulling me down. The thought of them makes my will and determination wane. I do not know what to do. I just started going away, getting out of this mess I am in. Still, I know that I can figure this out and I will come out with a better version of me. I will with the help of God and my family. They will always be there I know.
What then should you do?
1. Confront your demons.
2. Make peace with yourself
3. Say sorry
4. Know that tomorrow is another day.
5. Reject temptations
Also, when you get used to doing things, seeing things that are not ordinary, they become a normal part of life. I know I am correct in doing this, which is running away from it and going far far to where it will not try to haunt me. It scares me so much that I might commit mistakes that could change my life completely in a split second. I do not want to because I have my dreams. My goals in life, I know, are unreachable but I will reach for the stars. But then I found friendship with those who dig shallow aspirations compared to mine. I think they are pulling me down. The thought of them makes my will and determination wane. I do not know what to do. I just started going away, getting out of this mess I am in. Still, I know that I can figure this out and I will come out with a better version of me. I will with the help of God and my family. They will always be there I know.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Expectations
Let me eat my words and spit them out later. Then I shall take all the stabbing stares of those who claim to be closest to my heart.
First, I am not selfish. I am just focusing on myself. Because my past experiences taught me that it is the best thing I can do for myself. The statistics are low on the probability that I have a wrong statement.
Second, because I am not selfish but just focusing on myself, you cannot expect me to go soft on small petty things and all that. I am trying to be strong here. Maybe you should try that too. In this world, you cannot expect other people to stop their world for you, who chose to stop yours.
Lastly, tell people why. You cannot be sad and expect people to sympathize without them knowing why.
***
Yes, I hate it. Well, I so hate seeing any signs of weakness now. It is the last thing that I need. And I do not want anything to do with it.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?
It has been months since I have been in this same phase of transition. Every sad movie and every love song seem to have been made for me. Maybe, this is the part where I allow myself to drown in my own emotions. The danger is, I might not be able to go back and be happy again.
I look back in the past and searched for the things I did wrong. There was none because I have loved him even up to now. It just angers me that he seems happy now. Maybe I am that easy to let go. For days, I have been trying to interpret how these things came to be. Maybe he still loves me but must let go. Maybe he has another and he has to let go. Or just that he does not love me anymore and has to let me go. Trying to think about these things is useless. He is gone and that is for good.
What happens to me now? I actually feel worthless and ugly but I know that I am not. To think I am those is just to explain to the whole world why he left me. But actually, I know very well that I am neither and never those words. He left me without any reason at all. He chose to turn his back and gave no reason as to why and how this break up came to be. Until now, I do not know why. Was he just being civil to not tell me that he became bored and that he finds me worthless and ugly already?
Everyday, I am at war with my emotions. I just want to cry and be sad most of the times. For what? Well, for that blind faith that he might know and come back to save me from himself. On the other hand, I entertain the idea that he is a **** who ruined my views on love. He said he will love me always. Obviously, he lied because he left me.
Still, I am happy that I am now experiencing this life-changing moment. Just that I entertained it so much that I find it somehow difficult to get off this sadness. But then, I know that I can.
I have met a love of people who have been in this phase. And they all told me that things will get better but it surely does feel like hell. My mother even told me that well, they come and go.
There are also those new acquaintances, whom I wonder where'd-she-get-that-happiness? Later, I learned that she came from a broken-heart.
For the past months, there is a number of times where thunder strikes of realization hit me. And these are my rays of sun now.
1. That happiness is indeed a choice. It shall come from you and yourself alone. If you base your happiness on something or someone, it is a very big mistake. We only live once, we all know that, so just play the song and be merry.
2. To spend a long time being sad is a waste of time. Just allot a few minutes being sad but not days or months. You might not realize this now but when you are over this, you will agree.
3. Never make decisions while you are in this stage. This is very difficult. The secret is, just go on living. even if you are dying and you are no longer effective just go along. People will surely understand because either they have been there or they sympathize.
4. You are surrounded with love from all around you. That you practically lived and survived because of that love. But then, right now, the love you chose and focused on is gone. Well, accept it. There was never something wrong about you. Lastly, this is the best time to love yourself too.
I look back in the past and searched for the things I did wrong. There was none because I have loved him even up to now. It just angers me that he seems happy now. Maybe I am that easy to let go. For days, I have been trying to interpret how these things came to be. Maybe he still loves me but must let go. Maybe he has another and he has to let go. Or just that he does not love me anymore and has to let me go. Trying to think about these things is useless. He is gone and that is for good.
What happens to me now? I actually feel worthless and ugly but I know that I am not. To think I am those is just to explain to the whole world why he left me. But actually, I know very well that I am neither and never those words. He left me without any reason at all. He chose to turn his back and gave no reason as to why and how this break up came to be. Until now, I do not know why. Was he just being civil to not tell me that he became bored and that he finds me worthless and ugly already?
Everyday, I am at war with my emotions. I just want to cry and be sad most of the times. For what? Well, for that blind faith that he might know and come back to save me from himself. On the other hand, I entertain the idea that he is a **** who ruined my views on love. He said he will love me always. Obviously, he lied because he left me.
Still, I am happy that I am now experiencing this life-changing moment. Just that I entertained it so much that I find it somehow difficult to get off this sadness. But then, I know that I can.
I have met a love of people who have been in this phase. And they all told me that things will get better but it surely does feel like hell. My mother even told me that well, they come and go.
There are also those new acquaintances, whom I wonder where'd-she-get-that-happiness? Later, I learned that she came from a broken-heart.
For the past months, there is a number of times where thunder strikes of realization hit me. And these are my rays of sun now.
1. That happiness is indeed a choice. It shall come from you and yourself alone. If you base your happiness on something or someone, it is a very big mistake. We only live once, we all know that, so just play the song and be merry.
2. To spend a long time being sad is a waste of time. Just allot a few minutes being sad but not days or months. You might not realize this now but when you are over this, you will agree.
3. Never make decisions while you are in this stage. This is very difficult. The secret is, just go on living. even if you are dying and you are no longer effective just go along. People will surely understand because either they have been there or they sympathize.
4. You are surrounded with love from all around you. That you practically lived and survived because of that love. But then, right now, the love you chose and focused on is gone. Well, accept it. There was never something wrong about you. Lastly, this is the best time to love yourself too.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Causing Pain
What I have feared most is happening. This, you and him and them. What do you expect from me? Someone just left me alone, leaving me frail and vulnerable. I am in a situation where I have to toughen up to cope with all these. Do not expect me to be sensitive. I am fighting my own war now. I am on my own. Today, I have to be strong and less soft on others. This is what I have to do survive. Or else, the one who nearly got stuck in that dark place will come back. I do not want her, the weakest version of me.
I just want to be happy!!! That is what I am trying to do now! And you want me to just try to go with it. Or you do not want me to do anything. It is just sad. Today I am trying my best to loosen up and break free from all the reservations I have from myself. Please do not hinder that with your lame expectations.
Peace.
Freedom.
Love.
Serenity.
Harmony.
Rhythm.
These are what I fight for now.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Thoughts Over Tea
Why do I come back to this place repeatedly? Why do I love painfully remembering your memories?
I told you before that if I will find another I will make sure that he will be better than you.
Today, I realized that I want only you and I still love you. But then, it was you who left, the saddest chapter of this life that I painstakingly have to endure.
Maybe, life is just teaching me some lessons in this. And I have to move on.
I told you before that if I will find another I will make sure that he will be better than you.
Today, I realized that I want only you and I still love you. But then, it was you who left, the saddest chapter of this life that I painstakingly have to endure.
Maybe, life is just teaching me some lessons in this. And I have to move on.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
At 65?
What will my life be in a couple of decades? I wonder.
Last Friday, our instructor told us that he will be resigning from the teaching profession in the next semester. He said, he will spend his remaining time in his farm in the province of La Union. I thought, I would want that too. But there are certain things that I do not have. Things like a farm, money to buy a farm, and a job to have money to buy a farm. A funny thought from a dreamer/ student/ bum like me. However, with that fact, I strongly believe that at my age, everything is possible.
So there you have it. When I will be 65, retired, and tired of working, I will spend my remaining time in an island/ beach/ resort. The thought of it is what I love most. Cheers to the future!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
A Letter to God and A Letter to Him
Dear Father,
Indeed you are the father I never had. Not the one whom I expected to comfort me in times of despair and the one who will tell me that I can do anything.
I wrote this letter to tell you what has been happening to me in the past months. Well, it was a roller-coaster ride, one minute I was euphoric and the other I was buried under the ground. I have learned several lessons when I went through them all. Thank you for pushing me towards the end of the turbulence, the sandstorm and the night. I know it was because of you that I survived it all. I believe that I am stronger now. There is this transition that I noticed within me. You gave me a stronger heart and a wiser mind. Thank you.
But then I have to apologize because before I realized all of this, I questioned and doubted your will. Even to the point of letting things be, thinking that your will will still pursue whether or not I act on it. It did. But the results are horrendous because I was hanging by a string most of the time. I promise to do my best now. I promise to push myself harder than before.
Indeed you are the father I never had. Not the one whom I expected to comfort me in times of despair and the one who will tell me that I can do anything.
I wrote this letter to tell you what has been happening to me in the past months. Well, it was a roller-coaster ride, one minute I was euphoric and the other I was buried under the ground. I have learned several lessons when I went through them all. Thank you for pushing me towards the end of the turbulence, the sandstorm and the night. I know it was because of you that I survived it all. I believe that I am stronger now. There is this transition that I noticed within me. You gave me a stronger heart and a wiser mind. Thank you.
But then I have to apologize because before I realized all of this, I questioned and doubted your will. Even to the point of letting things be, thinking that your will will still pursue whether or not I act on it. It did. But the results are horrendous because I was hanging by a string most of the time. I promise to do my best now. I promise to push myself harder than before.
***
Dear You,
You did it again. Please do not disturb my peace that I have sought and fought for. I hope and pray that you are happy now because I am even now that I have accepted that you will no longer be a part of my life. It actually feels good to be alone. You see I am now again in the process of finding myself and finding something, I never knew, that I am still looking for. It is crazy to look for something that you are not even aware of what it is.
But then, losing you actually made me realize that life moves on. You were never the center of my universe and I regret thinking that you were. I just cannot stop because you are gone because you never defined happiness, although I did entertain that thought. The part that made this all difficult is that side of me who is easily emotionally attached. I am now in the process of decreasing its intensity because I noticed how it nearly destroyed me. Before, I thought that having a soft heart can save the world. It was wrong, in the movies, they are the ones who are first killed. I nearly had that fate because of you. Thank you for letting me go.
And then I have to end this, because I have to review.
I might not forget those times that we had and the feeling of being in it. But then I have to move on and realize that there is more to life than the thought of you. You are just that boy I once thought I loved. Loved because I can only love one man whom I thought was you but then it appears you are not that so I believe I am taking it all back. I did not plan this but you started deleting everything. Something that made you more and more "bitter" that how I feel. Gee. Why? Its not like I am someone to be super erased. Did you actually think that I would run back to you after all this? No. You are so wrong. I am far better than what you think of me. After you did a sort of closure-letter, which was very very disappointing because people talk personally and technology is just used for convenience in terms of speed, you were here last November and you did not even try to talk to me? Then you sent me a closure letter? Over a facebook message? Where is maturity for that. Until now, I feel ashamed of my love life.because of the shallowness of some man. You cannot and will not even talk to me and you call yourself a man.
Well maybe I am just not that girl. I pray for that best for you and I hope you do the same for me.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
First Steps
Sadness
It eats us from the inside until there is nothing left of us. The causes? We choose them. We choose whom of them can reach and pierce the deepest part of the soul. Then they go on and slice us open once they get there leaving us bleeding and desperate to get everything back and turn back time. What is it with being broken hearted that made me want to give up? Which part have I lost grip of what I have always held on? What was my mistake?
Reality
It slapped me in the face when I started turning away from her. My mother who sat patiently while I ranted about how bad my day was and my life was, at present, a hell. Then she spoke and asked me questions that she knew I could answer. She knew that I can figure things out, like how everyone can in the troubles of life.
Will
I can do this I know that I can. I will not give up on that girl who dreamt that she will become a millionaire. And the other who planned to write a book, meet her prince charming and be swept away. I will never get tired of loving and living. I must make the most of the things that surround me.
It eats us from the inside until there is nothing left of us. The causes? We choose them. We choose whom of them can reach and pierce the deepest part of the soul. Then they go on and slice us open once they get there leaving us bleeding and desperate to get everything back and turn back time. What is it with being broken hearted that made me want to give up? Which part have I lost grip of what I have always held on? What was my mistake?
Reality
It slapped me in the face when I started turning away from her. My mother who sat patiently while I ranted about how bad my day was and my life was, at present, a hell. Then she spoke and asked me questions that she knew I could answer. She knew that I can figure things out, like how everyone can in the troubles of life.
Will
I can do this I know that I can. I will not give up on that girl who dreamt that she will become a millionaire. And the other who planned to write a book, meet her prince charming and be swept away. I will never get tired of loving and living. I must make the most of the things that surround me.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Thoughts In A Cold December Morning
Then there was that chill that sent me to the dark shadows of my fears. I do not want to fall in love again.
I went to the beach yesterday. I was given the privilege to think about what I am doing. I bored myself to death while watching the sea and the sunset. Then I repeated scenes in my mind over and over that I found the part where I made a mistake that is I keep on overthinking things. Now, I realized that well, if he left me then he did. Its not like the definition of my existence revolves around him. Its not like I have tons of friends who showered me with love and support that I think I want to be broken hearted for a longer time just so I can enjoy the attention. Well, I learned that life goes on just like how easy it was to drop me like that and leave and forget every word said like always and forever. I am meant for someone better than you and I am now happy that you left.
However, there is that fear of stepping into unknown paths. And I am in that phase where I am still scared, doubtful and full of anxiety. But I will I will.
I went to the beach yesterday. I was given the privilege to think about what I am doing. I bored myself to death while watching the sea and the sunset. Then I repeated scenes in my mind over and over that I found the part where I made a mistake that is I keep on overthinking things. Now, I realized that well, if he left me then he did. Its not like the definition of my existence revolves around him. Its not like I have tons of friends who showered me with love and support that I think I want to be broken hearted for a longer time just so I can enjoy the attention. Well, I learned that life goes on just like how easy it was to drop me like that and leave and forget every word said like always and forever. I am meant for someone better than you and I am now happy that you left.
However, there is that fear of stepping into unknown paths. And I am in that phase where I am still scared, doubtful and full of anxiety. But I will I will.
Friday, November 30, 2012
My Dream Jobs
I would say that I am a collector and not a wide-reader for buying so many books and magazines. I buy them but I do not read most of them. Before, I thought that time will come for me to read all of them but that will take a lifetime already, and a penniless me. So, I realized, maybe my role is to preserve these things for someone or for those who actually deserves these treasures. There you have it, my first dream job is to be a librarian. I noticed that today's librarians, except a few of them, do not love books as much as I do. They know call numbers and other numbers but not the books and their souls. Did anyone ever really had a good talk with librarians? In my school, she is the mean one. She makes people keep quiet and she does not talk to anyone. More like the warden in the prison. So if I will be a librarian, I will know all the books in my kingdom. When anyone asks for a book I would not only tell them what section it is situated but also suggest related topics for that.
In a time where e-books and other digital ways of reading come out, I still thirst for the feel of paper and the smell of it, either fresh from the printing press or from the shelves. I always think that reading in paper still makes us dive into its world. I wish they are never gone.
My second dream job is to be a maid. There is something about the job that mesmerizes me. at the end of the day everything is clean and shiny and I find that satisfying. Even the part where the owner of the house seems satisfied will send endorphins to my brain. To dream being a maid is to know that there is happiness in everything. Even though that part one play's is minimal, it actually affects all of humanity, the economy for example, because the people in the bigger arena need people to clean their places.
Lastly, I wish I am a teacher. I want to teach children how to live life like they own it. I want to let them fly free in their imagination and just be happy- the things I am still trying to do, the things I wished somebody told me.
....
I will head to the beach now. I will go there with my friends and I am looking forward to a beautiful day.
In a time where e-books and other digital ways of reading come out, I still thirst for the feel of paper and the smell of it, either fresh from the printing press or from the shelves. I always think that reading in paper still makes us dive into its world. I wish they are never gone.
My second dream job is to be a maid. There is something about the job that mesmerizes me. at the end of the day everything is clean and shiny and I find that satisfying. Even the part where the owner of the house seems satisfied will send endorphins to my brain. To dream being a maid is to know that there is happiness in everything. Even though that part one play's is minimal, it actually affects all of humanity, the economy for example, because the people in the bigger arena need people to clean their places.
Lastly, I wish I am a teacher. I want to teach children how to live life like they own it. I want to let them fly free in their imagination and just be happy- the things I am still trying to do, the things I wished somebody told me.
....
I will head to the beach now. I will go there with my friends and I am looking forward to a beautiful day.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Lessons From A Break-up
Recently, I have had the worst emotional turmoil of my 22-year old life. We finally broke up with a closure typed in a message in facebook. How personal and deep was that. From the moment that I read the message the following thoughts magnified in my mind: to quit school because I am miserable; to quit my work because I am miserable and to start increasing my alcohol intake and adding up the cigarette I smoke because I am miserable. I almost, well, I begun doing them all. Then all of a sudden, family and friends were appearing out of the blue to help me save me. I am well now. Although not completely healed but I am getting there.
These are the lessons from a broken heart.
1. Let yourself drown in anguish. Let her grieve and be melancholic. Let her stare at an empty blank space with the hope that he will appear there. For once, allow sadness to take the reins of your emotions. But never make a decision during this phase. Just be sad and go away from the thoughts of ruining your life.
It is enough that you cry, while lying on your bed, while walking, while eating, while taking a bath or while doing any other things.
2. Do something for yourself. Focus on yourself. Why? Because you were rejected. You were let down. Thus, you are now in the lowest time of your life. A good friend told me that they can only offer advises, be there and cry with you. The part of making you rise after this fall solely depends on you.
Know, that he will not come back. People do not come back for miserable people- Myrchael. So when become tired from crying, stand up and go do something.
3. The biggest mistake you have done is to love him more than what he deserves. You focused on maintaining a relationship more than what is enough. You deprived yourself from yourself.
...
Being broken hearted is, as known by all people who fell in love, a very bad phase. But then, it is just a phase, people who shared their pains with me told me that it will get better. I realized now that it is better.
I love what I just did. I went shopping then, I went to the spa. It was the greatest thing I did for myself. I loved it. I realized some man is not enough to destroy me or even bother me for that. My mistake was I failed to create a strong post of myself so that when people come and go I will not be moved. Your mistake was you failed to prove the words always and forever. Burn the letters for that.
These are the lessons from a broken heart.
1. Let yourself drown in anguish. Let her grieve and be melancholic. Let her stare at an empty blank space with the hope that he will appear there. For once, allow sadness to take the reins of your emotions. But never make a decision during this phase. Just be sad and go away from the thoughts of ruining your life.
It is enough that you cry, while lying on your bed, while walking, while eating, while taking a bath or while doing any other things.
2. Do something for yourself. Focus on yourself. Why? Because you were rejected. You were let down. Thus, you are now in the lowest time of your life. A good friend told me that they can only offer advises, be there and cry with you. The part of making you rise after this fall solely depends on you.
Know, that he will not come back. People do not come back for miserable people- Myrchael. So when become tired from crying, stand up and go do something.
3. The biggest mistake you have done is to love him more than what he deserves. You focused on maintaining a relationship more than what is enough. You deprived yourself from yourself.
...
Being broken hearted is, as known by all people who fell in love, a very bad phase. But then, it is just a phase, people who shared their pains with me told me that it will get better. I realized now that it is better.
I love what I just did. I went shopping then, I went to the spa. It was the greatest thing I did for myself. I loved it. I realized some man is not enough to destroy me or even bother me for that. My mistake was I failed to create a strong post of myself so that when people come and go I will not be moved. Your mistake was you failed to prove the words always and forever. Burn the letters for that.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
ACCEPTANCE
I thought I had true love but I guess I rushed to that thought too soon.Now, I am left with the broken idea of what the words : perfect, true or real mean.Well,maybe that is just the way it is.
A few months before this, I succumbed to the shadows of loss, grief and other emotions related to sadness. I hated losing people. I cannot live with the idea that I have to say goodbye and say hello to another. Now, I am loving it most because I realize how much this chapter of life is teaching me. It forces me to face all those that I refused to accept and deal with before- reality that people go. And we have to move on. This feels like sunshine.
Maybe, I have to thank him too, for letting me go, for facing truth and asking me to face it too. I might not call what we had love sometime in the future when I find someone who is not you. I think what we had was never love because if it was then it should have lasted and you should have called and you should have ... a list longer than the longest. But still thank you for the laughs, the adventure, the pictures and everything in them. I hated goodbyes but I have to say goodbye,right? Even if you think that I do not even deserve a personal talk for what its worth and for what we have been through to tell me why, what happened and all that. Maybe it never mattered but it did with me. And maybe you are just not that kind of person and that I have to understand that again. I became so tired and I am so happy that I am now exhausted of waiting and of expecting. Well,I just wish that you would find someone who deserves you and I will be happy for you.
As for me,I will now pursue my life long dreams and passion for reading and writing. Occasionally, I see myself searching for myself and my soul in a way that has no directions. I will again be a free spirit without the bounds I have created myself with you. I will forget and let go, move along. I have never felt happier in months. I am sensing the old me springing back to life like a stampede. Well, I shall thank you most of all. This will always be a sad part but that is the way it is. I still wish that we can be friends maybe even if you would not prefer that.It is just that with me it eats me up from the inside, I cannot say goodbye
A few months before this, I succumbed to the shadows of loss, grief and other emotions related to sadness. I hated losing people. I cannot live with the idea that I have to say goodbye and say hello to another. Now, I am loving it most because I realize how much this chapter of life is teaching me. It forces me to face all those that I refused to accept and deal with before- reality that people go. And we have to move on. This feels like sunshine.
Maybe, I have to thank him too, for letting me go, for facing truth and asking me to face it too. I might not call what we had love sometime in the future when I find someone who is not you. I think what we had was never love because if it was then it should have lasted and you should have called and you should have ... a list longer than the longest. But still thank you for the laughs, the adventure, the pictures and everything in them. I hated goodbyes but I have to say goodbye,right? Even if you think that I do not even deserve a personal talk for what its worth and for what we have been through to tell me why, what happened and all that. Maybe it never mattered but it did with me. And maybe you are just not that kind of person and that I have to understand that again. I became so tired and I am so happy that I am now exhausted of waiting and of expecting. Well,I just wish that you would find someone who deserves you and I will be happy for you.
As for me,I will now pursue my life long dreams and passion for reading and writing. Occasionally, I see myself searching for myself and my soul in a way that has no directions. I will again be a free spirit without the bounds I have created myself with you. I will forget and let go, move along. I have never felt happier in months. I am sensing the old me springing back to life like a stampede. Well, I shall thank you most of all. This will always be a sad part but that is the way it is. I still wish that we can be friends maybe even if you would not prefer that.It is just that with me it eats me up from the inside, I cannot say goodbye
Thursday, October 4, 2012
THE SUNRISE
What happened to the idea of friendship? to the the thought of love? Where did they go?
I begun to wonder when people became too determined to tell their own definitions of these words and of sanity, morality and living life with it. They started losing who they are because they were so lost in the wonders of what committing sins could bring. The thrill of getting caught and the high of escaping punishment. At the moment, they do not yet realize the consequences of their act, like wasting time and losing people and other things that really matter. I have been there. I see myself at these people, I know how it is to be lost in the midst of every single thing around me. Then I realized that I am the one complicating things because life is supposed to be simple and happy. We spend so much time thinking that we are bored so we try to do stupid things.
Yesterday, we were presented a series of video clips about accepting God. I loved the speaker because he did not tell us to repent our sins so that we will be saved. Instead, he told us his story that he was once lost and has searched for himself, in the end, he found God and submitted to his will.
We all need that shoulder to lean on. We all need that hand to pat our back. People can leave and never return and that feeling of being left alone bare and dry is so frustrating. Yes, we only have ourselves...
I think I have learned one of the lessons in life. I am so happy to have arrived at this point. I am satisfied. I hope that I can do this. And that I will have the will to with the help of God's grace.
*thank you friends
I begun to wonder when people became too determined to tell their own definitions of these words and of sanity, morality and living life with it. They started losing who they are because they were so lost in the wonders of what committing sins could bring. The thrill of getting caught and the high of escaping punishment. At the moment, they do not yet realize the consequences of their act, like wasting time and losing people and other things that really matter. I have been there. I see myself at these people, I know how it is to be lost in the midst of every single thing around me. Then I realized that I am the one complicating things because life is supposed to be simple and happy. We spend so much time thinking that we are bored so we try to do stupid things.
Yesterday, we were presented a series of video clips about accepting God. I loved the speaker because he did not tell us to repent our sins so that we will be saved. Instead, he told us his story that he was once lost and has searched for himself, in the end, he found God and submitted to his will.
We all need that shoulder to lean on. We all need that hand to pat our back. People can leave and never return and that feeling of being left alone bare and dry is so frustrating. Yes, we only have ourselves...
I think I have learned one of the lessons in life. I am so happy to have arrived at this point. I am satisfied. I hope that I can do this. And that I will have the will to with the help of God's grace.
*thank you friends
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
O THE STRESS!!!
On pain
On love
On studies
My actual problem is how I can relieve stress. How can I get out of this and love what I do. Give everything to it? I am actually doing them all now. See, I am trying to quit smoking and it is very difficult. I just try not to think about it whenever the thought comes. And there are these people that who are so shallow I do not know why I met them.
How do I relieve stress?
Eat
Watch Movies
Read books
Facebook
Eat a lot.
Sounds fun.
I also think that setting bigger goals might help. like buying a car maybe. Or a house or a gadget, because everyone seem to have one.
When did I realize this? Well, there was that time that I spent too much for coffee and smokes. Spent also a week's savings on beer. And I realized how it was all a waste of time and I also realized that it was not something to be proud of. It makes me feel so low and I feel more depressed. And that actually I hate being the weak one who gave up on her feelings. it just sucks as hell. So, I shall now try to focus on what really matters, my studies. I love it so much- reading and writing. All the people I meet here who do not yet realize what they want while for some they already know and they are so focused! I love the energy. Indeed, we only live once so why not live it.
I am so happy. Happy at this realization but still struggling to make things work.
On love
On studies
My actual problem is how I can relieve stress. How can I get out of this and love what I do. Give everything to it? I am actually doing them all now. See, I am trying to quit smoking and it is very difficult. I just try not to think about it whenever the thought comes. And there are these people that who are so shallow I do not know why I met them.
How do I relieve stress?
Eat
Watch Movies
Read books
Eat a lot.
Sounds fun.
I also think that setting bigger goals might help. like buying a car maybe. Or a house or a gadget, because everyone seem to have one.
When did I realize this? Well, there was that time that I spent too much for coffee and smokes. Spent also a week's savings on beer. And I realized how it was all a waste of time and I also realized that it was not something to be proud of. It makes me feel so low and I feel more depressed. And that actually I hate being the weak one who gave up on her feelings. it just sucks as hell. So, I shall now try to focus on what really matters, my studies. I love it so much- reading and writing. All the people I meet here who do not yet realize what they want while for some they already know and they are so focused! I love the energy. Indeed, we only live once so why not live it.
I am so happy. Happy at this realization but still struggling to make things work.
Monday, September 17, 2012
REASONS FOR BREATHING
I wish I can make it all work. That is my only prayer these days. I hope that I can try my best in what the future holds. Well, things happen when you believe.
Right now, I am just so happy with all the things that are happening. This is so challenging since it questions my intellectual capacity and limitations. And we should never have limitations because life- we only feel it once. So I thought of reformulating my goals in this life. I now have the answers as to what is it really that I want? That is success in life and to change the world! I will be an advocate for justice even if it kills me.
I realized how amazing circumstances are when you stop and ponder on what they mean.
Right now, I am just so happy with all the things that are happening. This is so challenging since it questions my intellectual capacity and limitations. And we should never have limitations because life- we only feel it once. So I thought of reformulating my goals in this life. I now have the answers as to what is it really that I want? That is success in life and to change the world! I will be an advocate for justice even if it kills me.
I realized how amazing circumstances are when you stop and ponder on what they mean.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
IN SCHOOL
What is it really that I am looking for? What is actually the reason that I am disappointed? What is the purpose of these all?
Questions that I asked myself from last night. And now, I know how to answer them all. After having been pushed and dragged to finish something that I do not want I took up law because I think it is the right place for someone who is passionate in reading and writing. But then, I was actually disappointed because the law has its perks. I never believed in it, in the law and in the government. And studying it was not a walk in the park.
Last night, I had the most amazing conversations with people who will soon be my sisters that was actually so fun in the face of it. Yes, you were right that I should not allow prejudice take over what I think I can do. I love it I love you all. And I am not actually gay I think Sol was right that is not the reason it should come from the heart.
She also asked me, and noticed that I do not have anyone to talk to. Iam so driend up from all the things that are happening, I cannot seem to know what I am doing. The frustration came from a very deep seated high self esteem. To hell with that. It is high time that you stop thinking that I am stupid.
There was also that way to know the means that we escape insanity from what we do and that is to thread unknown waters and get crazy sometimes...
Questions that I asked myself from last night. And now, I know how to answer them all. After having been pushed and dragged to finish something that I do not want I took up law because I think it is the right place for someone who is passionate in reading and writing. But then, I was actually disappointed because the law has its perks. I never believed in it, in the law and in the government. And studying it was not a walk in the park.
Last night, I had the most amazing conversations with people who will soon be my sisters that was actually so fun in the face of it. Yes, you were right that I should not allow prejudice take over what I think I can do. I love it I love you all. And I am not actually gay I think Sol was right that is not the reason it should come from the heart.
She also asked me, and noticed that I do not have anyone to talk to. Iam so driend up from all the things that are happening, I cannot seem to know what I am doing. The frustration came from a very deep seated high self esteem. To hell with that. It is high time that you stop thinking that I am stupid.
There was also that way to know the means that we escape insanity from what we do and that is to thread unknown waters and get crazy sometimes...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
PAINS
We cannot take back the time we have given away to people who seem not to know its worth. And even if we say that we learn from that experience and shall choose the right person next time, we know that we are still waiting for someone to come back.
Despite that impossibility we wait for a miracle, either for things to be the same again or that things will get better. But waiting is a very tedious because it might take a very long time before what you pray for will be answered. One thing is for sure, things will get better.
...
I am just tired of waiting, hoping and over thinking things. I realized, it was never meant to be. I am sorry to the people whom I disturbed but I believe that it is among the roles you play as a friend. I shall forever be in debt to your time and your advices. I must also be thankful to this person who for unknown reasons make me happy everytime, your presence is just unbelievably heartwarming, obviously the reason that others would fall at you feet. And to you who thought I am that shallow get over yourself.
For four days I drank my pains away and my breath tastes like cigar. I am sober now. Thank you. I have realized that there are more from life that what is seen by the naked eye. They are the people who catch you when you fall, because the cause of the fall did not even do anything. It is a blessing to know the real people and your real self. These things emerge at times when everything is blurred and hazy.
Indeed. during these times all I can do is pray for the Father to guide me to the right path and to give me strength and wisdom so that I may do well in my decisions.
Despite that impossibility we wait for a miracle, either for things to be the same again or that things will get better. But waiting is a very tedious because it might take a very long time before what you pray for will be answered. One thing is for sure, things will get better.
...
I am just tired of waiting, hoping and over thinking things. I realized, it was never meant to be. I am sorry to the people whom I disturbed but I believe that it is among the roles you play as a friend. I shall forever be in debt to your time and your advices. I must also be thankful to this person who for unknown reasons make me happy everytime, your presence is just unbelievably heartwarming, obviously the reason that others would fall at you feet. And to you who thought I am that shallow get over yourself.
For four days I drank my pains away and my breath tastes like cigar. I am sober now. Thank you. I have realized that there are more from life that what is seen by the naked eye. They are the people who catch you when you fall, because the cause of the fall did not even do anything. It is a blessing to know the real people and your real self. These things emerge at times when everything is blurred and hazy.
Indeed. during these times all I can do is pray for the Father to guide me to the right path and to give me strength and wisdom so that I may do well in my decisions.
Monday, September 10, 2012
ONE POTATO TWO POTATO
There is a time in every life when one should slap himself on the face. The sad fact that has to be faced in order to live. That is I am alone. I have a quote in mind but I just could not find it right now about being alone and how people try not to feel it.
Last night, I have had the perfect conversation with people, who are now my friends. And they told me things that I will never forget.Indeed, why should I waste time being in despair when the other does not. I am sure that time will come when I will realize that reality is just the way it is. I think I have been too naive about things in life by trying to assume and give meaning to everything. Well, as I have learned in law, nothing else matters but law in the face of it even though you are of disadvantage because you are a nursing graduate and you are a hopeless romantic who is now facing a lot of case digests to write and books to memorize.
But I must share my utter disappointment for what happened. Why? It should have been perfect had it not been for you, who I think rendered me as stupid. I see, that you will not understand my points of belief, so why should I try? It is the saddest thing that being naive makes me impossible to be with. I think I have changed a lot in the past relationships but I did try to adjust on some aspects just so I can cope up or just so it can work. But it did not. I now realize that it is most wrong to change something good already. Indeed, I am best when I am alone because I will not disappoint anyone and no one will disappoint me. Like what I was told yesterday, I am lucky to feel all these while I am still young. Young is the word that renders us carefree and stupid. However, despite that sad fact we should grow now because I think I am not young anymore.
Thank you God for today.
Last night, I have had the perfect conversation with people, who are now my friends. And they told me things that I will never forget.Indeed, why should I waste time being in despair when the other does not. I am sure that time will come when I will realize that reality is just the way it is. I think I have been too naive about things in life by trying to assume and give meaning to everything. Well, as I have learned in law, nothing else matters but law in the face of it even though you are of disadvantage because you are a nursing graduate and you are a hopeless romantic who is now facing a lot of case digests to write and books to memorize.
But I must share my utter disappointment for what happened. Why? It should have been perfect had it not been for you, who I think rendered me as stupid. I see, that you will not understand my points of belief, so why should I try? It is the saddest thing that being naive makes me impossible to be with. I think I have changed a lot in the past relationships but I did try to adjust on some aspects just so I can cope up or just so it can work. But it did not. I now realize that it is most wrong to change something good already. Indeed, I am best when I am alone because I will not disappoint anyone and no one will disappoint me. Like what I was told yesterday, I am lucky to feel all these while I am still young. Young is the word that renders us carefree and stupid. However, despite that sad fact we should grow now because I think I am not young anymore.
Thank you God for today.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
I wonder how much longer can I take this struggle. It degrades my self-esteem. For weeks I have been trying to push myself beyond the boundaries of my limitations. And it is so frustrating.
But I will not give up on this. I will slam it on the face of it. So I shall stop blogging and read. Cheers
LESSONS FOR THE WEEKS
1. Treat the teachers like gods and you will learn more.
2. Drink hard liquor to do away from hang-overs
3. Read- that is the only way to pass, should have done this in the first day.
4. Spend money on things that really matter.
5. Be happy even if there is no reason to
6. spend the day well
That is all.
But I will not give up on this. I will slam it on the face of it. So I shall stop blogging and read. Cheers
LESSONS FOR THE WEEKS
1. Treat the teachers like gods and you will learn more.
2. Drink hard liquor to do away from hang-overs
3. Read- that is the only way to pass, should have done this in the first day.
4. Spend money on things that really matter.
5. Be happy even if there is no reason to
6. spend the day well
That is all.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
ON REALIZATIONS FROM HEARTACHES AND FAILURES
From the series of events that had happened to me in the past few months, I am very happy to have learned. This happiness is not shallow and does not come from something pleasant. Instead, It came from my recent pains and agonies. I am well satisfied to realize that I am living and I am finding some difficulty in dealing with things. So, grateful of all these and more grateful for the strength that comes from my family and friends. I can do this. I will do this.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
groggy
too tired to write
too hurt to think
too much pain 360 degrees around me
you
you
andyou
thank you for this day.
I met people who fought for it
while I stay here
will wait surely
until he comes to save me again
or I will save myself
but thank you still.
I think both of us are selfish and with egos up above the sky
that made it wrong or what made it wrong is that I am crazy and you are not
I loved you so much and should not have said too much
so we are here in the middle of something unnamed
waiting for the wind to blow so we can let go
or hold on
you
have been perfect in every way that I see
I know that is not possible
I was too happy to notice
I believed in your words
So I willthrow the blame to you.
for making the fall hard and is this permanent?
I am just so tired of hurting waiting
so tired of everything
and you don't seem to even care
too hurt to think
too much pain 360 degrees around me
you
you
andyou
thank you for this day.
I met people who fought for it
while I stay here
will wait surely
until he comes to save me again
or I will save myself
but thank you still.
I think both of us are selfish and with egos up above the sky
that made it wrong or what made it wrong is that I am crazy and you are not
I loved you so much and should not have said too much
so we are here in the middle of something unnamed
waiting for the wind to blow so we can let go
or hold on
you
have been perfect in every way that I see
I know that is not possible
I was too happy to notice
I believed in your words
So I willthrow the blame to you.
for making the fall hard and is this permanent?
I am just so tired of hurting waiting
so tired of everything
and you don't seem to even care
Monday, August 20, 2012
THE DOCTOR
I met this person whom I actually knew for a long time but now he talked to me. Its funny how we come to know people deeper than what the eye sees. And we draw inspiration from them and a lot more. I met him and I learned that all people are capable of feeling something and sharing it to the world. I envy that fearless unreserved passion for simple things and ventilating it through songs.
The world opens up things when doors close, I witnessed it true now. Chances never run out even if you waste them all. You regret and sulk but something always appears when you wait, like this person talking to me out of the blue.
I love meeting people because I think we are all the same. We always seek for things that we never knew and crave unrelentlessly for that. I believe that we all knew that unknown search eating its way to our mind and conquering our thoughts, our dreams. At a young age, we never meet them but we have them. As we grow, we realize dreams and inspiration. We realize life itself.
It is funny because this person I never thought could write and sing. My friends and I always group people by category and he is just out of the line. I became so fond of that voice. Indeed, this world will never run out of people who has that passion to thrive and thread unknown waters. I want to be like him too. Those who get out of boundaries, uncaring and unminding the hurt of defeat. I want to live.
The world opens up things when doors close, I witnessed it true now. Chances never run out even if you waste them all. You regret and sulk but something always appears when you wait, like this person talking to me out of the blue.
I love meeting people because I think we are all the same. We always seek for things that we never knew and crave unrelentlessly for that. I believe that we all knew that unknown search eating its way to our mind and conquering our thoughts, our dreams. At a young age, we never meet them but we have them. As we grow, we realize dreams and inspiration. We realize life itself.
It is funny because this person I never thought could write and sing. My friends and I always group people by category and he is just out of the line. I became so fond of that voice. Indeed, this world will never run out of people who has that passion to thrive and thread unknown waters. I want to be like him too. Those who get out of boundaries, uncaring and unminding the hurt of defeat. I want to live.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
SONG REVIEW : PALOMA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=OV1x_ZzxUYg
I fell in love with this song the moment I heard her voice. This is real music, when the distinct voice and the name of the singer does not mean anything but the song makes you freeze. I stopped for a moment to answer all the questions I have in this life. Indeed, I am young to ask questions and be confused of what life gives me today. I thank God for these songs.
So, I am here again evaluating and re-evaluating things about this and that. (Oh, I am really loving the song, listening while I am writing)
So, I am very much aware of the struggle I have to do or else I will fail. I just do not know what I am doing. But I will figure it out. " i know people..." these words from the song makes me think of those people who did it. This song tells me not to give up on myself and push things harder. I then have to know what I want and what I do not want, then everything will be black and white. I will find my way back to that person who was as tough as the mountains, unmoved by anything, and do this. I will do things on my own without cheating and lying to myself. I will not depend on other people's expectations after I find my own goals. And I shall not stop until I achieve it. I will not stop but I will stop sulking about my frustrations and blaming others for my mistakes. I will not get hurt and hurt. I will do what I have to do and be happy.
I will find myself.
See, singers should venture for words that give meaning. Instead of singing songs of sadness why not write songs that strengthen people or those that make people think of standing up. Like Jasmine Sullivan's Bust Your Windows, which talks about the girls who broke her ex's boyfriend's car window because he broke her heart. She fought and this singer tells other women to fight back.
Composers and script writers should do away from writing something that encourages acts against public policy like thinking you're the boyfriend of someone who already has one. Or that that insinuates brothers and sisters falling in love, like that Filipino Telenovela. It is just absurd we should take inspiration from this things. Inspiration means lifting up and fighting back. Life is a bitch indeed and we are not underdogs!
I am also thinking about Leona Lewis' song "RUN." It made me cry because the song spoke to me. "I won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz was also heart felt. These songs lifted me up. They are true artists because they made me feel like they have been there too and they succeeded. I do not like the songs that promote self-pity and sadness.
I will now turn off the music and go back to the real world.
I fell in love with this song the moment I heard her voice. This is real music, when the distinct voice and the name of the singer does not mean anything but the song makes you freeze. I stopped for a moment to answer all the questions I have in this life. Indeed, I am young to ask questions and be confused of what life gives me today. I thank God for these songs.
So, I am here again evaluating and re-evaluating things about this and that. (Oh, I am really loving the song, listening while I am writing)
So, I am very much aware of the struggle I have to do or else I will fail. I just do not know what I am doing. But I will figure it out. " i know people..." these words from the song makes me think of those people who did it. This song tells me not to give up on myself and push things harder. I then have to know what I want and what I do not want, then everything will be black and white. I will find my way back to that person who was as tough as the mountains, unmoved by anything, and do this. I will do things on my own without cheating and lying to myself. I will not depend on other people's expectations after I find my own goals. And I shall not stop until I achieve it. I will not stop but I will stop sulking about my frustrations and blaming others for my mistakes. I will not get hurt and hurt. I will do what I have to do and be happy.
I will find myself.
See, singers should venture for words that give meaning. Instead of singing songs of sadness why not write songs that strengthen people or those that make people think of standing up. Like Jasmine Sullivan's Bust Your Windows, which talks about the girls who broke her ex's boyfriend's car window because he broke her heart. She fought and this singer tells other women to fight back.
Composers and script writers should do away from writing something that encourages acts against public policy like thinking you're the boyfriend of someone who already has one. Or that that insinuates brothers and sisters falling in love, like that Filipino Telenovela. It is just absurd we should take inspiration from this things. Inspiration means lifting up and fighting back. Life is a bitch indeed and we are not underdogs!
I am also thinking about Leona Lewis' song "RUN." It made me cry because the song spoke to me. "I won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz was also heart felt. These songs lifted me up. They are true artists because they made me feel like they have been there too and they succeeded. I do not like the songs that promote self-pity and sadness.
I will now turn off the music and go back to the real world.
MARRIED LIFE
Reading the nth number of annulment and declaration of nullity of marriage cases. And I fell out of love from love because these are the people who loved and are now proving that it never existed. Once in their lives they proved it to the world only to deny such. They all lied to themselves and created make-believe fantasy. Why? Am I seeing the future me? because aren't we all the same. I am sure that every person ventured for the search of true love and some were lucky enough to get married. These cases shook me. Somehow, love cannot move the mountains and is not forever. The songs were wrong.
From what I read, the main reason couples fight is money- the husband not having a job and the wife nagging him about not having a job, or the wife is the breadwinner and the husband is a drunk, womanizer and gambler. So because they were unsuccessful in satisfying the other's ego they opt to separate and for some, remarry.
I think it is pointless. For the men who desire a lot of women,unsatisfied of one, why? For sex? Oh I remember Eleven Minutes by P. Coelho- my apologies for insinuating that. In the novel, the prostitute learned that the husbands have mistresses to have someone to talk to. As experienced by many, wives become nagging bitches on the latter part of married life and husbands flee. They lose the game when they do because they refuse to communicate. They forget the reasons why and how the fell in love, which brought the color in their lives. They think that the other is a mind reader to know and do exactly what they want. And it all stops when they give up. Either, they realize that it did not exist and they only made it exist or, they got tired.
What is it really? Well, I will choose not to confuse my life with the lives of other people. But I will learn.
From what I read, the main reason couples fight is money- the husband not having a job and the wife nagging him about not having a job, or the wife is the breadwinner and the husband is a drunk, womanizer and gambler. So because they were unsuccessful in satisfying the other's ego they opt to separate and for some, remarry.
I think it is pointless. For the men who desire a lot of women,unsatisfied of one, why? For sex? Oh I remember Eleven Minutes by P. Coelho- my apologies for insinuating that. In the novel, the prostitute learned that the husbands have mistresses to have someone to talk to. As experienced by many, wives become nagging bitches on the latter part of married life and husbands flee. They lose the game when they do because they refuse to communicate. They forget the reasons why and how the fell in love, which brought the color in their lives. They think that the other is a mind reader to know and do exactly what they want. And it all stops when they give up. Either, they realize that it did not exist and they only made it exist or, they got tired.
What is it really? Well, I will choose not to confuse my life with the lives of other people. But I will learn.
Friday, August 17, 2012
DRAFT
SCREAM
I wanted so much to scream. Let my tears out and scream again. What have I done? I feel so lost. Lost and defeated in this game. Is this a game? I do not know. Because obviously I have been among those too dumb to realize and too proud to admit. S*** man! I think a curse is appropriate.
When we lose we want to scream. And since we write, we write our pains, our sorrows. We write the tears that want to fall but pride reins te soul. Of the one in control. Because she just wants something-something that she has not figured oput yet. Something lost in the sense of the world. Something that died or faded away in the midst of time and space.
And so she cried. The saddest tears in a lonely night. The most painful of all defeats. But what can she do when she cannot understand the world she is in. What can she do when she is lost in everything in between? I do not know. For I am only her mind that speaks, her body to dwell and her soul. What can I do if she fails? Life has been too cruel but I want to slap her now and push her. Pull her hair to the direction she is supposed to go. This lost girl stubborn as hell. she is indeed the weakest of them all.
She has been too weak to face anything in her dry barren life. Always too safe and within the lines. Always afraid.
I wanted so much to scream. Let my tears out and scream again. What have I done? I feel so lost. Lost and defeated in this game. Is this a game? I do not know. Because obviously I have been among those too dumb to realize and too proud to admit. S*** man! I think a curse is appropriate.
When we lose we want to scream. And since we write, we write our pains, our sorrows. We write the tears that want to fall but pride reins te soul. Of the one in control. Because she just wants something-something that she has not figured oput yet. Something lost in the sense of the world. Something that died or faded away in the midst of time and space.
And so she cried. The saddest tears in a lonely night. The most painful of all defeats. But what can she do when she cannot understand the world she is in. What can she do when she is lost in everything in between? I do not know. For I am only her mind that speaks, her body to dwell and her soul. What can I do if she fails? Life has been too cruel but I want to slap her now and push her. Pull her hair to the direction she is supposed to go. This lost girl stubborn as hell. she is indeed the weakest of them all.
She has been too weak to face anything in her dry barren life. Always too safe and within the lines. Always afraid.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
THE ODDS OF HUMAN TRAFFICKING DRUG SMUGGLING AND A LOT MORE
Here in the Philippines, a number of journalists died when they tried to oppose and dared to expose the shit of those in power. They were killed, oh no, massacred in cold blood along with their family and neighbors. This happened years back and until now, the case is still ongoing. Years?
I watched this movie Whistleblower, starred by Rachel Weisz, same idea, a UN employee who tried to expose human trafficking involving their very own UN superiors and local policemen. It said that it was based on a true story.
Because of these, I no longer know what to believe. Dear me, these people claim power because of their position? A place provided by the people to serve them. There is something terribly wrong here. See, the government created the idea of taxes to provide for the welfare of the people. However, I think what is really happening is that these public servants are overwhelmed by the money they are seeing. Hence, their primary reaction is to take it and think of it as their own. And I start learning about all this underworld created by politicians, millionaires and others with hidden secret propaganda. Geez, for what? being defeated by your demons is not something to be proud of. Especially taking advantage of other people just so you will be rich. I wonder where was that child-like enthusiasm that we all had when we were children?
blabber blabber. I am actually reading Good Omens by Pratchett and Gaiman. I think this is just one of the games where the demons and angels compete in spreading evil and goodness, respectively. We are all mere pawns of this game. But it is always our choice if we move, or not.
I watched this movie Whistleblower, starred by Rachel Weisz, same idea, a UN employee who tried to expose human trafficking involving their very own UN superiors and local policemen. It said that it was based on a true story.
Because of these, I no longer know what to believe. Dear me, these people claim power because of their position? A place provided by the people to serve them. There is something terribly wrong here. See, the government created the idea of taxes to provide for the welfare of the people. However, I think what is really happening is that these public servants are overwhelmed by the money they are seeing. Hence, their primary reaction is to take it and think of it as their own. And I start learning about all this underworld created by politicians, millionaires and others with hidden secret propaganda. Geez, for what? being defeated by your demons is not something to be proud of. Especially taking advantage of other people just so you will be rich. I wonder where was that child-like enthusiasm that we all had when we were children?
blabber blabber. I am actually reading Good Omens by Pratchett and Gaiman. I think this is just one of the games where the demons and angels compete in spreading evil and goodness, respectively. We are all mere pawns of this game. But it is always our choice if we move, or not.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
WAITING FOR SIGN
I thought taking up Law will be a stepping stone to changing the world. Now, I am so confused. I think the Government is in a hopeless situation. Corruption already reached the bone marrows of this state, hence the blood they form is embedded with corruption which reaches to all the sides and corners of this nation. It makes me cringe at the idea that in law school we are taught of all the ideals in the legal world, knowing that when we graduate we will be tossed to serve as a meal to the lions. This frustration roots from the fact that I have met the very Gods of the knowledge of law trapped in the souls of my mentors. They teach us all the good things for what? I do not know. Am I the only one who lost hope on this nation?
Okay, I realized I was wrong in giving up. So I will try to fight. I am just scared because I have the tendency to fight drastically, I might get assassinated and die at a very young age. My conscience tells me that fear is what kept me still and frozen, I must learn to loosen up. Right? I must not give up and get disappointed easily with the failures of other people, who are in the position. I am here for a reason and so I will and I shall give the best while I have the chance.
Okay, I realized I was wrong in giving up. So I will try to fight. I am just scared because I have the tendency to fight drastically, I might get assassinated and die at a very young age. My conscience tells me that fear is what kept me still and frozen, I must learn to loosen up. Right? I must not give up and get disappointed easily with the failures of other people, who are in the position. I am here for a reason and so I will and I shall give the best while I have the chance.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I spent the afternoon with friends. Spent the lazy time sitting, eating, drinking coffee talking and playing with them gadgets they have. It felt like that time, I exhaled the air that I took in for the week.
Karine and Jo-anne vs. Kharissa and Mayrick in TAPTAP!
Gerlyn made libre! some tacos and nachos! yummy!!!
Laura and Angie came!
I chose my friends well. I love it
Karine and Jo-anne vs. Kharissa and Mayrick in TAPTAP!
Gerlyn made libre! some tacos and nachos! yummy!!!
Laura and Angie came!
I chose my friends well. I love it
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I am sad and confused. What is wrong? I want this but this is too much pressure. Too much. I do not know what I am doing, I feel so lost and all alone. There is noone there to help because they have their own problems. And yes, I know that I am complaining too much and I feel like I am the only one who has burden here. What is wrong with me?
Sunday, July 8, 2012
PLAYING CHESS
Yes, I have found my place on earth. I found it here where I am right now.
I have never been so thankful in my life...
Live life like a chess player. Live life with simple rules.
1. Assess your opponent: assessing would include: learning behavior including strength and weakness
2. Create a strategy: how to start, how to attack and spend most time planning the element of surprise.
3. Survival Tactics: this part, we all have to discover ourselves. start with how others did it, how others failed in it and add it up together you are good!
So I tried it all. In the end everything is not about hard work. Think and act. I disagree with the second to the last statement. Hard work is the salt of life. The blood and the color of the universe.
---
I am turning 22 in a few days.
I am losing weight.
I can see the hollows of my bones and I do not like it. Being underweight is indicative of low self-esteem. Something that is slipping like sand through my fingers.
Good night world. Today I must prepare acting my dreams. Thank you God for sending me here.
I have never been so thankful in my life...
Live life like a chess player. Live life with simple rules.
1. Assess your opponent: assessing would include: learning behavior including strength and weakness
2. Create a strategy: how to start, how to attack and spend most time planning the element of surprise.
3. Survival Tactics: this part, we all have to discover ourselves. start with how others did it, how others failed in it and add it up together you are good!
So I tried it all. In the end everything is not about hard work. Think and act. I disagree with the second to the last statement. Hard work is the salt of life. The blood and the color of the universe.
---
I am turning 22 in a few days.
I am losing weight.
I can see the hollows of my bones and I do not like it. Being underweight is indicative of low self-esteem. Something that is slipping like sand through my fingers.
Good night world. Today I must prepare acting my dreams. Thank you God for sending me here.
Friday, June 29, 2012
GOT THE MESSAGE?
Dear Diary,
I am confused. I am confused with everything that is going on... why did I believe in fairy tales? Why did I? This is my fault. Everything became real I do not know. I am not aware of what I am doing. I feel lost in everything that I am doing right now. I do not know what is the right thing to do...
Dear Diary,
I think that I am going astray from the path that I am taking. I am falling at pits that looked like a solid ground. I do not know if I can claim that I do not want to step on it or that I really wanted to but the consequences of admitting it will be grave.
Dear Diary,
I hope I can keep up with the pace of the world that I try so hard to slow down. I hope I can make it. I hope they can wait. I hope he can wait. I hope it turns out right. I hope I do the right. I pray for these all.
Dear Diary,
Indeed, I am confused. Lost and wandering. I hope someone finds me. and grabs me from this pit...
I am confused. I am confused with everything that is going on... why did I believe in fairy tales? Why did I? This is my fault. Everything became real I do not know. I am not aware of what I am doing. I feel lost in everything that I am doing right now. I do not know what is the right thing to do...
Dear Diary,
I think that I am going astray from the path that I am taking. I am falling at pits that looked like a solid ground. I do not know if I can claim that I do not want to step on it or that I really wanted to but the consequences of admitting it will be grave.
Dear Diary,
I hope I can keep up with the pace of the world that I try so hard to slow down. I hope I can make it. I hope they can wait. I hope he can wait. I hope it turns out right. I hope I do the right. I pray for these all.
Dear Diary,
Indeed, I am confused. Lost and wandering. I hope someone finds me. and grabs me from this pit...
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
STUDY HABITS
So yesterday, they gave us cases to read and digest. I do not know how the others felt about it but for me it was pure euphoria. But the euphoria was extinguished by the deadlines. See, the thing is I want to enjoy this but they are rushing me! Of course, I want to hide my excitement when I was there.
Yesterday, a thought came to me. We were advised to read the cases thrice or many times util we understand it. Good thing this mentor said that we can go with whatever way we prefer. See, we were told to make an initial reading, a secondary reading and a third one, where you make notes. I can happily do that. But with the time limit provided, it is not actually advisable. So what I do now, is read and make notes already. I use a very big piece of paper so that I can draw arrows and make emphasis on all those important matters. I did it and it worked. Thank God I found a way.
In classes, I realized that the variety of post grad courses we had gave us both disadvantages and advantages. As for me, I know I am used to competition and time constraint. I am also an expert in computing my grades and weighing the possibilities and finding a strategy for survival. The thing is I placed myself in a world, completely different from where I used to be. Here, I know nothing and I am nothing. It thrills me more.
With this kind of schedule, I thought of stopping blogging, facebooking, twittering and you tubing (pardon my terms) for a while. I realized that I cannot for this is the beauty of my present life. I will do everything in my power to make time a space as wide as the sky. I pray to God that he may give me wisdom to do this. So there you have it.
I hope that my readers feel a sense of similarity with me. See, I know that all of us had been or will still be stuck in the midst of boredom to the point of having no reason to live. I think that it is okay as long as the feeling it temporary. I just got out of it. And it is still euphoric. I believe that I went to that dark place because I never knew what I want and what I have to do with my life. There were a lot of answers and other possible answers and it was very confusing. Its just now that I realized that we just have to do what we want and life will come out as beautiful as the rainbow. See, in the law school, they were all questioning our determination and pushing us towards our limits. Indeed the question is about our determination. I think it is fear that pulls us backward. There are a different kinds of fear ad we all know that. And if you are like me, who just came out from a dark hole, you must know that fear is the devil itself. And the devil wants to take your soul depriving you from all the good things in life- the bright side. Would you want that? would you want to lose to the devil who was lost himself with his own thoughts? I think rationality dictates that human beings are survivors. We can.We can all make it if we believe. Well, there will be failures but the question is not always how, where, what. It is when you rise up.
Yesterday, a thought came to me. We were advised to read the cases thrice or many times util we understand it. Good thing this mentor said that we can go with whatever way we prefer. See, we were told to make an initial reading, a secondary reading and a third one, where you make notes. I can happily do that. But with the time limit provided, it is not actually advisable. So what I do now, is read and make notes already. I use a very big piece of paper so that I can draw arrows and make emphasis on all those important matters. I did it and it worked. Thank God I found a way.
In classes, I realized that the variety of post grad courses we had gave us both disadvantages and advantages. As for me, I know I am used to competition and time constraint. I am also an expert in computing my grades and weighing the possibilities and finding a strategy for survival. The thing is I placed myself in a world, completely different from where I used to be. Here, I know nothing and I am nothing. It thrills me more.
With this kind of schedule, I thought of stopping blogging, facebooking, twittering and you tubing (pardon my terms) for a while. I realized that I cannot for this is the beauty of my present life. I will do everything in my power to make time a space as wide as the sky. I pray to God that he may give me wisdom to do this. So there you have it.
I hope that my readers feel a sense of similarity with me. See, I know that all of us had been or will still be stuck in the midst of boredom to the point of having no reason to live. I think that it is okay as long as the feeling it temporary. I just got out of it. And it is still euphoric. I believe that I went to that dark place because I never knew what I want and what I have to do with my life. There were a lot of answers and other possible answers and it was very confusing. Its just now that I realized that we just have to do what we want and life will come out as beautiful as the rainbow. See, in the law school, they were all questioning our determination and pushing us towards our limits. Indeed the question is about our determination. I think it is fear that pulls us backward. There are a different kinds of fear ad we all know that. And if you are like me, who just came out from a dark hole, you must know that fear is the devil itself. And the devil wants to take your soul depriving you from all the good things in life- the bright side. Would you want that? would you want to lose to the devil who was lost himself with his own thoughts? I think rationality dictates that human beings are survivors. We can.We can all make it if we believe. Well, there will be failures but the question is not always how, where, what. It is when you rise up.
Monday, June 18, 2012
FREEZE
There are those moments are just too vague to describe. That is when you are put to shame. Like you just realized that you stepped on a dog poo only that point of time in realizing it, is agonizingly prolonged.
I do not know how to describe shame but I do know what it does to a person afterwards. It becomes a driving force to rev up our energy to go charging again.
I do not know how to describe shame but I do know what it does to a person afterwards. It becomes a driving force to rev up our energy to go charging again.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME AND LET ME KNOW
Everything in this life is likened to a song. It ends but you can play it again if you want to or you move on to the next thing on the list of things-to-do. Recently, I have encountered a failure from something that I have much prepared for. But I was also recognized for something I do best. So now, I think I have a strategy of getting over all these and that is the secret of preparation. They made it clear, very clear not to barge in unprepared. Like no guns in a war, or no bullets even so we have guns. Now, I am trying to practice fast comprehension and time management. I pray the God will help me through this. I cannot do this alone.
Actually, what inspires me most is the stories of survival they kept on telling us. I think that is a way to tell us "shame on you if yo cannot make it." Because they all have different stories of how they made it in the legal world. And every one of them are amazing. So from now on, I must do away from too much nonsense. I know I spent much time reviewing what happened to my day before, while I lie on my bed at 10 in the morning. I cannot forget also how I became so bitter with what happened to me. I used to be so proud of making things that meant nothing, personally or finding meaning in what I do. Life should be how we want it to be. And if you are not yet there go get it. I was so inspired by one of my mentors who told us that there is no reason to give up when you know what you want. There is no obstacle that you cannot hurdle in this life. I feel humbled and shamed. Because I used to be all about complains. Now, I have this one chance to do what I love most. Wrong, I have all the chances while I am breathing still.
There goes my song. I will move on.
Friday, June 15, 2012
LIFTED = EXTINGUISHED
My head is taking things really slow. So slow that I cannot keep up with the pace of life. I hate it. Then there are this people who talk about how they hurdled their way in the race of life and they prospered. It makes me pull my head down it can touch the ground. I have a very stress free life and there is nothing relevant about me.
Awhile ago, I was called to speak for the class. I do not know the language that you are using. I am aware that it was very irresponsible of me. I do not know what I am saying and what that meant. I have heard that word a lot of times but I never cared to know what it meant. This realization makes me want to kneel on the ground and crawl my way outside, because of the shame. Dear God I want this so bad.
Awhile ago, I was called to speak for the class. I do not know the language that you are using. I am aware that it was very irresponsible of me. I do not know what I am saying and what that meant. I have heard that word a lot of times but I never cared to know what it meant. This realization makes me want to kneel on the ground and crawl my way outside, because of the shame. Dear God I want this so bad.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
TODAY
I am still overwhelmed at this path I embarked. This first few steps that I am taking makes me shiver in the face of uncertainty, fear and doubt. What am I doing here? I wonder. But I did this to satisfy the intense desire of having a reason f existence. To be able to be of service to my co-habitants in this world.
A while ago, we were bombarded with the horrors we are about to face in law school. Or is this just an exaggerated reaction on my part because I never took things seriously in the undergrad and getting serious is seriously difficult. I used to pass because I calculated the chances well. But where I am now, is the other part of the world. This is indeed the challenge of life. I am so aroused at this point of the competition. Indeed, I have been sleeping for too long taking in life like it is a walk in the park. One serious problem, I never really took anything seriously before because, I never wanted them so bad. My fear of failure is my drive to push forward but that was just for the competition- the essence of surviving. I have zero knowledge about where I am right now. This requires me to change the strategy on everything that I mastered. This is bad. It makes my pace slow.
So, I really have to work hard on this. Because indeed, God gave me this opportunity to do what I love most everyday and that is to read and write. I will make sure that I will do my best to discipline myself (something that I have never tried) on time management. Actually, I am also reading John Grisham novels to heighten the mood while I do my case digests and it helps. I also included watching movies and television series about the legal world in my strategy. But then, I have to credit the "strategy-building" to my younger brother, who suddenly slapped me with these words- winning is not always the most important thing, its the strategy. Imagine that. I brain's functions froze for a moment from the shame of focusing on the prize. I have to admit that my brother has a better insight about winning. But I will say it again I am still lost in the middle of my frustrations, anger and this new found passion.
May the grace of God be always my guide in every endeavor that I involve myself in. And I shall submit to his word and offer him everything I will reap.
A while ago, we were bombarded with the horrors we are about to face in law school. Or is this just an exaggerated reaction on my part because I never took things seriously in the undergrad and getting serious is seriously difficult. I used to pass because I calculated the chances well. But where I am now, is the other part of the world. This is indeed the challenge of life. I am so aroused at this point of the competition. Indeed, I have been sleeping for too long taking in life like it is a walk in the park. One serious problem, I never really took anything seriously before because, I never wanted them so bad. My fear of failure is my drive to push forward but that was just for the competition- the essence of surviving. I have zero knowledge about where I am right now. This requires me to change the strategy on everything that I mastered. This is bad. It makes my pace slow.
So, I really have to work hard on this. Because indeed, God gave me this opportunity to do what I love most everyday and that is to read and write. I will make sure that I will do my best to discipline myself (something that I have never tried) on time management. Actually, I am also reading John Grisham novels to heighten the mood while I do my case digests and it helps. I also included watching movies and television series about the legal world in my strategy. But then, I have to credit the "strategy-building" to my younger brother, who suddenly slapped me with these words- winning is not always the most important thing, its the strategy. Imagine that. I brain's functions froze for a moment from the shame of focusing on the prize. I have to admit that my brother has a better insight about winning. But I will say it again I am still lost in the middle of my frustrations, anger and this new found passion.
May the grace of God be always my guide in every endeavor that I involve myself in. And I shall submit to his word and offer him everything I will reap.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
IN PRISON
My interest on the principles behind imprisonment begun when I went there, for academic purposes. Indeed they are there to be disciplined. But when we talk about discipline, it is much more understood if we refer to children. How do we do this with grown-ups who committed crimes like murder, rape or theft for a mistake? Indeed, the discipline they render in prison is much more complicated but simple. Discipline is just for children but these people are disciplined to be reminded that like children when they do something wrong.
I met a few people there. They told me their crimes and the years they are serving there. I had a few sensible conversations but I cannot go away from the others who are deprived of their carnal desires for a long period of time. Inside I saw cut-outs of women in magazines posted on the walls. There were a lot of them.
Also, I did notice the way they act and think. They are brilliant people. Brilliance that is so overwhelming that committing a crime seemed right. But it was just a mistake. Unless it was repeatedly done then let them rot there.
Why am I talking about this? Because I realized that I have imprisoned myself in bitterness and self-loathing in the past years. I realized now that I do remember that person who was vibrant and full of life. Never scared and always moving forward. People used to hate me because I was loud and I did not care. Now nobody notices or sees me. Back in highschool I told myself that I will be a billionaire but it all faded to hopelessness and other things. I dug myself a grave to bury my real self. I even thought of really killing myself and guess what. In this world, it did not matter if I die. and I am not the person who gets satisfied with that.
I am just so grateful of the divine being, who have been guiding me and all those who prayed for me. I will forever be indebted to you.
I am free.
I met a few people there. They told me their crimes and the years they are serving there. I had a few sensible conversations but I cannot go away from the others who are deprived of their carnal desires for a long period of time. Inside I saw cut-outs of women in magazines posted on the walls. There were a lot of them.
Also, I did notice the way they act and think. They are brilliant people. Brilliance that is so overwhelming that committing a crime seemed right. But it was just a mistake. Unless it was repeatedly done then let them rot there.
Why am I talking about this? Because I realized that I have imprisoned myself in bitterness and self-loathing in the past years. I realized now that I do remember that person who was vibrant and full of life. Never scared and always moving forward. People used to hate me because I was loud and I did not care. Now nobody notices or sees me. Back in highschool I told myself that I will be a billionaire but it all faded to hopelessness and other things. I dug myself a grave to bury my real self. I even thought of really killing myself and guess what. In this world, it did not matter if I die. and I am not the person who gets satisfied with that.
I am just so grateful of the divine being, who have been guiding me and all those who prayed for me. I will forever be indebted to you.
I am free.
Monday, June 11, 2012
ON CALLIGRAPHY
She told us that it is preferable if we have nice-looking penmanship. And she implied in an example that we could resort to learning calligraphy. So I googled it and it was --- i do not know what to say. My first impression would be, this is a way of discipline. It requires the learner a lot of things but the results are worth it. Well, I only noted a a few things that I could use in writing normally, not necessarily learning calligraphy by heart.
1. a good posture: sitting erect with the feet properly planted on the floor. This is for the purpose of stability.
2. using the muscles of the arm and not the fingers. Those are only used for gripping on the pen. I must say on my first practice, I had muscle pains.
This is a good practice for muscle coordination and that of the mind.
1. a good posture: sitting erect with the feet properly planted on the floor. This is for the purpose of stability.
2. using the muscles of the arm and not the fingers. Those are only used for gripping on the pen. I must say on my first practice, I had muscle pains.
This is a good practice for muscle coordination and that of the mind.
***
IN A TIME OF HAVING RANDOM THOUGHTS
***
Dear Love,
I hope you will have the patience with me throughout this
lifetime
I pray that we both have faith in God to grace us with a
strong foundation
Tell us something about your love (a question thrown to Sophie in Letters to Juliet, can I be Sophie now?) :
Well, let me begin with love. When I was younger, I have always
wondered what love is. Right now, I still cannot fully explain what it means
but I know that I am in love when I am with him. I know that distance stretches
its hands to keep us away from each other. But distance does not define
distance when we speak of the heart. I always feel his presence all the time. I
love him so much.
***
Awhile ago, I was with Kharissa. And we talked about a lot of stuff. I learned that she has been praying for me and I believe that I helped me come out from the quicksand I was in. See, I have lost the drive for almost a decade. That is why I find it difficult to concentrate now and focus. My brain have been used to denying everything ever since. This became a disadvantage. I am really trying so hard.
I realized that in the past I have developed habits that were self destructive. I have to say I hated everyday of my life before but then I have to live it so I tried to survive without really feeling alive. Among my practices were multi-tasking. I believe that my ability to focus declined due to severe multi-tasking. I used to do a lot of things at the same time like studying, listening to music and stopping again to watch the television or do another task. I did survive those and was able to pass my pre-grad for that but nothing retained. I never enjoyed any of it. That was why I even thought of committing suicide because I never had that will to live, because I never loved what I was doing. I find it sad that I have wasted a lot of years sulking in one side and forcing myself to kill the passions that are screaming inside me. I now realize that I should have fought vigorously. Then, I would have lived a satisfying life. Or that I should have adjusted the situation so that I could still do what I want.
In the book that I am currently reading, Good Omens by Teri Pratchett and Neil Gaiman there were the demons who were showing off ther efforts on trying to tempt people so that the will turn away from goodness. Well, this could be happening in real life, the forces of evil only present us situations that could make us deviate from the right path. The meaning of free will comes in, we all have a choice. Indeed these situations are sometimes blamed for the consequences in doing evil. But why do we blame the evil or the situation when the decision came from us. See these pawns of satan are just trying to do their job, we let them succeed. So, in relation to my situation, I know that what happened to me was my fault. But I am still grateful that I have learned. And that through this I have acknowledged the will of the Lord that guided me to where I am now.
Monday, May 7, 2012
THE LUCKY ONE
Zac Efron. He was not the Zac Efron in Highschool Musical. Totally not the dude who will suddenly sing a song in the middle of a basketball game! I fell inlove with this Zac Efron-head over heels.
I just sat there. While watching the movie of two people who found their ways to each other. Their fate were woven as one. Sometimes, one's existence is for another. And that just cannot be wrong.
I just sat there. While watching the movie of two people who found their ways to each other. Their fate were woven as one. Sometimes, one's existence is for another. And that just cannot be wrong.
MY SELF LOATHING
It seems like I am lost. In the middle of an empty space that feels suffocating. Maybe I am in a phase where I should be satisfying the society's expectations of me. Or rather, from another point of view, I am simply disappointed with myself. This is what I get from over thinking things with my self-proclaimed exemplary intellectual capacity. Indeed, I must admit my disappointment is the sole reason.
I just miss it. I miss not doing anything and getting something. But adult life is far from what I had imagined when I was in grade school. I am in a what-you-see-is-what-you-get-situation. This is the real game everyone.
So I am twenty-something and still in shock of what the world prepared for me. Thank goodness, I partied my way through college. But that good amount of fun has a consequence. I AM NOT USED TO THIS. But as my grandmother once said, only stones need a push to move. Well grandma, I think I am a stone.
Sometimes, I try to find an explanation to my bad coping mechanisms- the way my parents brought me up, the environment I was exposed to and the people I lived with. But all these pointing fingers barked at the wrong trees! I am DEVASTATED! THIS IS WHAT I GET FROM EXTREMELY EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM!-disappointment. Well, life goes on. I PROMISE TO LIVE WITH POSITIVITY. Will someone please give me a tap on the back?
I just miss it. I miss not doing anything and getting something. But adult life is far from what I had imagined when I was in grade school. I am in a what-you-see-is-what-you-get-situation. This is the real game everyone.
So I am twenty-something and still in shock of what the world prepared for me. Thank goodness, I partied my way through college. But that good amount of fun has a consequence. I AM NOT USED TO THIS. But as my grandmother once said, only stones need a push to move. Well grandma, I think I am a stone.
Sometimes, I try to find an explanation to my bad coping mechanisms- the way my parents brought me up, the environment I was exposed to and the people I lived with. But all these pointing fingers barked at the wrong trees! I am DEVASTATED! THIS IS WHAT I GET FROM EXTREMELY EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM!-disappointment. Well, life goes on. I PROMISE TO LIVE WITH POSITIVITY. Will someone please give me a tap on the back?
Friday, April 13, 2012
EMPLOYMENT AND THE ISSUE BEHIND IT
EMPLOYMENT
After college, every graduate is expected to get out of the house and look for a job. In some cases, reviewing for licensure exams comes before the painful process. I say painful because this process includes making a resume that has or does not have a lot in it. In my case, I was dropped to manage a family business that seemed to require me every bit of my time. So, I indulged because I have nothing else to do. And my face slammed in real-life-situation because I have to do good because my mother employs a number of people, who have mouths to feed. Of course, I the soft-hearted being realized that I must do this for them but I failed to note that this means non-stop working hours. The only leisure-time I was given was for beers and small-senseless-drunk talks with my friends. This led to late-night trips to my mother’s house and late-waking hours. It is devastating ,of course, that behind my noble aspirations of making myself a purpose-driven entrepreneur I am stuck in the dissatisfaction of what I currently have. So, what do I do?
AND
I came up with a few plans to balance my lifestyle and to stay focused on my goals (I do not even have goals).
-enrolled myself to a gym class for a month
-bought a couple of magazines about health awareness (eg. Yoga, exercise and self awareness)
-slept early
-did some beauty regimens to improve self-esteem (I slathered my skin with moisturizers, bought make-up thingies, among others)
THE
My goal in life used to be simple- to be filthy rich. Then I realized that it doesn’t really matter. Its true, having a lot of money is meaningless when you start to lose your attachments to your loved ones and you will be left feeling empty. I felt that when I saw surprised faces when I attend family events (I seldom show up). I predicted that I will be one crazy bitch when I go on working and working without knowing the reason behind it. I have said that my mother is employing a lot of people. Ours is not a famous company. It does not have a name. My mother is creating jobs out of nothing- I am just proud of her. In my stay in the store, I have met a few people, who are just like my mother- they just cannot stop because people would stop making a living too. It is not a burden but a purpose, other than feeding our own mouths. I wish there are other people like them. I hope I will grow and be like them.
ISSUE
I learned about the difference between the mindset of a family person and a single person. A family person plans carefully about this and that, while someone who is single does not actually care about anything. I know my speculations do not apply to everyone. There are contributory factors that affect the way we see things such as, family background, educational attainment, social status, among others. As for me, I am torn between thinking like a brat and adjusting this way of thinking. I know that it feels so good to indulge in the comforts of our parents resources, while swallowing our pride and deny the expectations of the society to be self-reliant. Indeed, it is scary to cross that line. It is mind-wrecking to face an uncertain future.
BEHIND
What if?
a. we dive in the sea of sharks, who knows we might survive?
b. we scream for help? Hide under our mother’s skirts?
c. find a dying old man and marry him?
d. others?
IT
Success, as they always say, is in our own hands.
We are all fighters dropped in an arena- kill all and survive
The game is outsourcing the other
…
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