SAVING GRACE

i'm done with being a pessimist. i am so tired of being miserable. i cannot let them lead me to my failure, because they are not me.

why can't i just tell their faces to shut the hell up? because their voices are ringing in my ears! i cannot take these. people are not like me. and that's the thing. seldom do they understand that i myself do not really understand them. that is why i always think that i do not belong in this world. that sucks. it's just that i am not like everyone- is that my fault?

so maybe i am too judgemental or maybe too much. i get on people's nerves and im always successful on that. at least now i can say i am living my life. and you don't. that is not my fault anymore. or that can't be your fault. because i am so pissed right now and everyone around me trully sounds irrationally stupid. so what? im the one pissed not them! i can't take this anymore! there's nobody like me! oh well- i can live with that.

so my allowance has been cut. that's why I'm pissed, and really, some people were stupid and i don't know why. i don't know if any of this is my fault or its just me. -JUST ME! well it's not my fault if things are not going my way- but i really do hate it. i hate it . grr- i forgot i am in good mood.

but why is it that others cannot even think! i mean- use their brains in a way that they could be productive? WHHYYY?

so I'm on my mantra again, cool down. imagine ice melting-how refreshing. sometimes i think I'd suffer from hypertension years from now. or maybe I'd die from stroke. i hope i won't get those suicidal attempts again. well, recently i felt those heart palpitations and uncontrollable muscle spasms- um after i smoke? ha ha and drink coffee. I'm so acting like them! of course my vices cause those. that's why. well i do know that. but how about the sudden sharp pain i feel in my abdomen? and the blurring of my eyes and the headache? i do not know how migraine feels but i know it is a headache? could that be a result of my reading while I'm riding the Jeeps?

ugh- i wish i die from a deadly disease for people to realize that i am a trully great person. right? who believes that? joke. hideous joke. i never thought I'd suck anyway. not after nearly entering a wrong classroom.

well, i do know that sometimes i look like a dork. you know- phone ringing loudly in the class, or that unforgettable teacher-looking-like-a-student? ha ha- anyways that is what's amazing with me. i smile- at everything. ha! who does that?! the music here sucks. bye.

MY LIFE

i feel like talking about myself:

hi, im arlene, well usually i lie about my name because i feel that it is sacred. a lot of people might have the same name, but who cares, we're all different in our own ways. though i wish i could meet all the ladies with the name arlene. . dang. i don't know what i'm doing with my life but, i am happy, above all. weeks ago, i thought of dying/ killing myself to end it all. but i am still alive . i hope i can answer people's queries about my plans, i just can't tell them i should have died. see, i usually feel bad about my plans failing, that sucks. uhm? i just wish people always understand because i hate explaining myself. i don't deal with my problems by deciphering what went wrong instead i go for it, while waiting what is bound to be. still i never did it alone.

until now, i wish i did die. i am so selfish but you see dying is one of the best things! but i won't thanks to friends, and family. sometimes i just want to thank myself. because i always count on myself. i hate it i hate life. maybe, i really do not belong in this world, or i was born in the wrong century. i want my own "edward" -sole definition of perfection.

i love this. im so confused though. i heard that twilight would be on the big screen, so soon?

i just re-read my warfreak zone min friendster groups. that was me, i've changed though, i am a world peace advocate now. ha-ha and they suck though they can't even look at me in the eyes when i see them in school? like duhZ? whose the coward. assssH********* i forgot. i am a world peace advocate.

weellll geezz i missed this.

GROUP-R

si rea nagteyk ng pikchur. i-aacknowledge dapat siya rayt?? rayt?
grupmeyts ko pala. kasama namin dito si sir chua- ung c.i namin that taym.
grabe noh ang gaganda namin di ba??? uhmm gwapo ung iba.

eto si jaki at ronald. ewan ko lang ha- basta ung ilovyou sign na kamay kay rea yan ha-sensya na pero mas maganda ata kung yung dalawa lang. oops- harsh ba?>?

parang assassins noh??? ewan ko lang kung 'nung ginagawa ni sali dun. pati si tam. pati si andrei. pati si jisil. haaaayy. ganda sana ng background- ung mga kinds of shields all over the philippines. wa! sino nagtake dito???

ganda di ba?? danda???? nung nka- smayl? self-proclaimed byutiful ang mga to. di ba jo-anne? spell beautiful! B--B0- weeellll wat can i say. in vito veritas ba yun? "in wine there is truth_ nabasa ko sa jip

sali? si sali mis grup R yan. kung magkakapageant ang grup R wala nah. kitams naman the way she smayls!huh! malupeeet! nga lang kasi sana picture lang ang basehan ng mga pagents. *let there be peace on earth.

group R ladies!! pero WAH!! SAN SI VUDIN?? SAN SI REA?? NU BA YAN
ang gaganda namin noh?? hihihihwaaaaaa

yan ang moment!!! san ka pa!
well this is to acknowledge the CHUCKIE DAY
at ang- tam?? mano kadi nagastum??

sad to say i'll never be there again. have to go. but don't act like i died na ha. goodbye group R.

TAKING CONTROL

I badly need money, because at the moment i am a bum. i do not know what i mean. people say i went astray, from all the -uhhmm what they think is the right way. BIG NO. i followed by whims,

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however, i must say, nobody understood me, except for joan, who i think is a twin-sometimes in ur ways of thinking.

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you see, i never really get it- why should i explain myself to people? why should i tell them what'll do with my life? because i do believe most of us do not yet know what to do with our lives. BECAUSE ACTUALLY I DO NOT KNOW. but shall we always stay in a safe place? what will happen to me then is i stay? NOTHING. we all know nursing graduates either fall into english tutorials or call centers. or maybe, we can be nurses, but with the thousands of nursing students in this Poverty-inflicted-country you need solid credentials to outwit the others, you need to be unique because this is a competition- well, everything is a competition. the thing is, i believe that it would be difficult to work hard on things that i don't really value. right? but i am so tired of people telling me that i was wrong. lets see.

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though, i do think i have wasted time and everything thouh, i know i'll miss people- GROUP R, especially, whom i learned to love and hate at the same time. i loveyouol!!! but im not really dying you know. JOANNE!!! im not dying. i'll try to be in touch though.

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you see, recently i was back at my depressed-suicidal-tendencies again. and that i have been thinking of injecting pure oxygen, nitrogen or simply air into my veins. i even bought 5 mL syringe which was, i was told, for IM meds. i think i bought the wrong needle size. i thought i won't commit suicide without really dying. i must die if i actually do it. so i thought of breakin thermometers for Mercury <>. from that, i would surely die. why am i telling this? because i was too hurt. it was unbearable, my own family not supporting me. what is worse than that? i was to down- i remembered what i once read-" he will never see the way she smiles" which is one of the saddest lines ever.

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i wonder why i never did it. or why i did not yet do it. well. i do still want to live, to say goodbye, to feel life for a time, and do things i did not yet do. well, who doesn't want to die? this world sucks! i really do not belong here.

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but i really want to thank a friend for showing me what i really did - i broke free. i am free. i now could live my life. i have never been so happy in my life. so why question these. why pull me down? why do you have to tell me to return to something i have always assciated with hell.

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great day everyone thanks for reading.