Lost in Busan

 I went to Busan before meeting C and K in Seoul. Rode the most advertised bullet train from the airport in Incheon to Busan for just 2 hours. 

Alone again. 

That time, I loved travels because it gives me an escape from the toxicity of everyone around me. Solitude. Also it pushes me to try to survive alone. My greatest accomplishment was figuring out how to go there from here to there at the train station. I usually travel with people who are sooo good at directions I just follow their footsteps.

My Busan trip was full of so many stories of getting lost and getting lost in translation…

I ate at a restaurant and ordered a meal good for 4 people. The owner and I did not understand each other. Why the hell should I order for so many people when I am obviously alone. Anyway, I ate everything. 

Next is the Buddha temple… It was so surreal. There is a super giant Buddha at the edge of a park. A divine being who sees everything. 

I forgot the point of this post. 

I got lost so many times. Going there-finding the right bus station, getting down at the right stop, going to the place, going back to my hotel… finding places where to eat. 

I feel this way now that I am in Dubai. But knowing that this won’t last for a few weeks is just scary as fuck. This is not my version of going away. I always came back after a few weeks before. Now, I seem to have no choice. 

It is so frustrating when I do not know what happens next. My master planner brain does not have any answers now. Not having a plan or needing to make a plan. 

Good Morning World!

Red Light

 You know that moment when you are late and you cannot cross because the traffic light is in red? And then there are no cars coming. You are debating with your own values and what they thought you in elementary school about this light-it means STOP. But you are late. 

So you cross.

Like the thief of a piece of bread you justify that you are hungry. You will be late if you will not violate the rule. Like destroying the order and balance of a society is worth it. Like it mattered. 

Sad Stories

I wonder if the need to be on top is just innate for human nature or animal instinct. Like being a victim makes you celebrate when you become the predator. Learning to appreciate your life when you see miseries of other people. Everything is outward. Thoughts are based on what is happening outside. 

Recent events in my life made me realize that I am a self-entitled and self-centered bitch for most part of my existence. Because I am so good at rationalizing being the drama-queen that I am, I have a reason every time I give up on something. Either it was not worth my time or blame it on the circumstances. This led me to jumping on one rock to another. Crossing bridges by looking for easier ways to cross it. 

Yes I know it now. Reality can slap you in the face or in the ass in moments that you feel powerless. I am learning a lot.

I learned that I have my issues that I have to resolve on my own. That is to suck it up and learn to endure things.

Dear God,

I cannot do this. I just cannot. But I will believe in you. Amen. 

Figurative

 When I was seventeen years old, I wrote this note detailing how much I like this guy. It mentioned everything from memorable moments and a very elaborate description of how I feel. It was written on a notebook that he read because I was clumsy and the notebook was lying there. 

I never really liked that guy but he was so convinced of the intensity of my feelings because of what he read. It was so complicated after that. I was young and felt like I was obliged to admit and be in a relationship with him  

I can call that a funny story. Personally, it was the time that I was convinced I am good in writing just because. 🤣 Well, I also learned to be creative: not to use names, hide details and use figures of speech. 

I never pursued a writing career. I pursued learning everything along the way. I tried everything I can like an aimless arrow. Maybe it was a mistake to use figures of speech. Maybe somethings we believed for so long are not realistic. 

Right now, I doubt myself for the first time. Doubt and having no other option because I am stuck. Now I learn how to live with my choices. 

Lesson 1

Most of the time, making conclusions is very easy. The process is very hasty. Often thoughtless and unmindful of consequences. I refer to making judgments towards other people. 

Today, I learned that there is a story behind every situation. There is another story behind that situation. Sometimes you do not know everything and yet you make conclusions. Today, I am guilty of this. Today, I learned a lesson. 

Today, I learned that I should now focus on myself. My thoughts towards others are irrelevant. I will stop quitting just because it does not work. I will start trying to co-exist with the situation I am in. Besides, I actually have nothing else I can do. 

On Self Love and How I Stopped Apologizing

There has been so many changes in my mindset since I moved to Dubai. Its been just a week and my mind reprogrammed itself so many times. You see, my life is so comfortable back home. I have my own business, my own car and my own house. Because of the pandemic, my business closed and there was nothing else I can do. Mornings have no goals for me. After two years, I decided to explore the one thing I have been dreaming of in the past years- pack up and live in another country. 

These days, I can say that I am leaving the dream. Mornings meant the struggle to look for a job while preparing breakfast. Sleep meant until the wee hours of the morning just because I am now independent. I am now learning how to make a CV because I have been running our family business since I graduated. Tips on how to save money on food also occupy my mind. 

After sometime, I learned that there are so many Filipinos here. I am in awe that while this is an adventure for me it is a matter of survival for most people. They have uprooted their lives and had to be here to work. I am humbled and overwhelmed. My life in the Philippines is already good. That was why so many people asked why am I actually going to Dubai. 

My roommate is no different from most. She is so stingy. I am not a big spender but I seldom compare prices because I seldom buy stuff. For me expensive meant quality. As an effect of living with a stingy person, I also started depriving myself. Actually, I changed my mindset to the idea that I have no money now so I have to be cautious of how I spend. Luckily, I have a cousin living here and she is the most generous person on earth. 

Sadly, self deprivation is taking its toll on me. I am so tired. I realized that I have to stop apologizing for my situation. My comfortable life was because of my hard work which started early in my life. I have to enjoy my money too. Self-love meant spending on yourself and giving it proper attention like how you would to a lover and how you keep that lover. Stop living poor Arlene and buy yourself the furniture you need. 

The New Rules of Dating in the Online World

Maybe Jane Austen never realized this. She is wrong about so many things. Her books are no longer relatable at this present age. 

So here we are again messed up. Presenting the new rules of dating.

1 Learn about red flags. 

- saying “I love you” too soon

2. Reality and Illusion

- The reality is you met online. You are just one of the many girls that he matched with and messaged. 

- Do not have the illusion that this might be something real because some people fell inlove online. 

3. Clean Exit

- Remember, do not attach too many strings so that you can cur them easily and have a clean exit.

4. Words are just words 

-He told me its easy to change your mind. Words are just words. 

How to be a Player.

 1. Have the greatest smile. 

2. Mention stories where you are a victim of circumstances. 

3. Be available. 

4. Make so many plans about the relationship. 

5. Mention wanting a serious relationship. 

6. Mention what every girl wants to hear... I finally found someone. 

7. Mention so many things like its the first time you are saying them. 

8. Promise the world and forever. 

9. Be unattached. Regardless of what you promised or said. 

10. End the relationship and go find a next one.