On Quarantine Life: Contentment in Food

Here we are in the middle of chaos. The chaos of the mind and the heart. The earth fell silent to cage us and not allow any movement. We take a sit and think- what will we do now? 

My favorite part of quarantine life is that I have time to think about issues that I have been escaping from the longest time. What do I really want to do now? 

Now is a word that pertains to the present. It is where we are. We have all these goals, regrets and other thoughts about the past and the future. There are a lot of things that we want to change and a lot more that we want to accomplish. With all the time that we have right now, we just have to decide what will we do now? 

Before this virus outbreak, decisions are usually based on priorities. Each aspect of our lives are categorized and ranked based on importance. When asked the question- what will we do now, we just pick something 1st in the rank. Today, everything you do is based in what you want. 

As for me, I pondered on my usual busy schedule. When I want to make myself guilty, I will watch a movie and blame myself for lack of self control. I usually hate myself for doing everything and it will always seem like I am lacking something. Today, I just woke up, watched a lot of movies and tried to read. I am having the time of my life. I still have problems but I choose not to think about it for now. I never thought I will be this content in just having food to eat and everything I need. 

Thoughts on Quarantine Life

They tell us to stay at home for almost one month. 

During the first week, I spent my time sleeping and watching. The next week, I messaged friends and family. In between all that was confusion- on deciding how to spend the time well and depression- because you are asked to stay put, like a dog on a leash just guarding the house. 

After three days of sulking, I decided to be happy. I downloaded Tinder so that I can talk to random people and maybe find love in an unexpected place. There are so many kinds of people in Tinder - some are horny and some are trying to explain themselves why they are in Tinder like me who thinks they can someone relevant in a dating app. I found nobody. So I just talked to this guy that someone introduced me to. After all I cannot maintain communication with a lot of people. 

The next thing I did was clean the house. I took the mindset of a professional cleaner who must clean everything spotless. I must say, this is the most fulfilling part because I accomplished something. 

For the next weeks, I am thinking of making a garden, continue blogging and preparing notes for school. I will choose to be positive about what is going on. 

How to End Things

It is funny. I commemorate the ending of a story that I made up. This is making me feel like an ugly girl who was not graced with a second look. This sends me back to the younger years where I was not getting attention because I was not too much of what was wanted. I was being too much of myself. I know I have to deal with these issues on my own. It has to end before a fire breaks lose. 

The thing is I have no self control. I cannot stop thinking about him. It is impractical because I do not know anything about this person. We are just talking occasionally. 

This morning, while I was entranced with a debate with myself to check if he sent me a message, (I really sound desperate) I remember a friends who were in a similar situation like this. It did not work. It ended like some tragic Titanic story that looks shallow and irrelevant from an outside perspective. Right now, a voice in my mind is telling me that I am being stupid which is contrary to what I really am. Its just that I do not have a strong will. I bend to any thought that I myself romanticized just because I feel like it. 

In my mind, there is this story where you come to see me and sweep me off my feet. I am mentally laughing at myself right now. If there are two persons in my body, the other is now laughing hysterically at the other. This is the part of me that I have never outgrown. This is the part that I was told I am too obsessed with - the idea of love and its association with fairy tales. 

It just makes me happy. It was a mistake that I correlated happiness with the idea of a romantic love. Where did this even start? Maybe it was Pride and Prejudice or the story of Cinderella. I came across them from my love of reading. I have a purpose for every book I read: to awaken my mind, I read thriller and suspense books; to arouse my imagination, I have fantasy and anything magical; to get in touch with reality, I read bios and anything based on real life; and to lighten the mood, I read love stories. I just figured out why I am obsessed with the idea of love. There is so much reality in the world of a grown up and I want an escape. I have been escaping for a very long time - making up so much stories that I start to think they are real. 

I guess that is why my relationships end. There is too much imagination and it was not happening in real life. I have been covering the hints of the universe that shows that its dead end with my own version of events. The reality is I have to suffer and become a lawyer. There is this dark tunnel that I have to cross to get what I want and I have been avoiding it for the past years. I am too scared of the question of whether I can do it. There is this doubt to myself of my capabilities and I keep on refusing to avoid the question. I tend to divert my thoughts on romantic love because in the movies finding "the one" is how happiness is achieved. It is even easy to gain access to as long as you have a pretty face and a "cool girl" attitude. You just have to pretend like you will submit to the guy and act interested. You just have to lay low in order not to hurt his ego with the reasoning that if you do not make much mistakes he will stay and your idea of happiness derived from watching Pride and Prejudice repetitively will remain.

To end this line of thought, I will now do myself a favor and review. 

The Idea of Sparks

A few full moons ago, I am indignant at the idea of sparks.

Sparks, in the vocabulary of romantics, refer to that tingling feeling from an unknown place when you see a person. It is an instinct that you two have a lot in common or that you can have a relationship with that person. It is a far-fetched conclusion that he or she is your soulmate based on the reason that you feel something good just by looking at the person. Sometimes, I think of sparks in its literal meaning. You just see stars when you see a person. 

Usually, sparks show at the first instance of seeing a person physically or face to face. For the romantic, it is an exciting phenomenon because the presence of sparks is usually the basis whether you will still communicate with that person or not. 

The thing is, romantics are just in love with the idea of sparks. Sparks can manifest with anyone you meet or its just me looking for any semblance of similarity from a person who obviously is beyond my reach. While my thoughts are consumed by the idea of sparks, there is nothing actually happening in reality. I have my own version of events and somehow I am contented with it because it makes me happy.  

In the past days, I have been trying to make fire from the rocks of my heart so I can see sparks. I made sparks that only I can see for a person who obviously is impossible to be with. It might be pathetic but I was happy. However, its becoming frustrating and I hate it when I start seeming to be desperate. I think it is time to cut connections with this guy. Besides, I cannot afford any distractions right now. You see, I am ending something which never even started. I am alone in this goodbye. Though I am happy I felt sparks. 

On Living Life Under Quarantine

Amidst the quarantine to contain the virus, every person is struggling. One cannot discount another's problems just because. One this is for sure, we are given so much time to step back from this situation and take a good look at how we live our lives. 

As for me, I initially realized how I do not have enough savings to survive if this quarantine drags to months. I regret drinking expensive coffee and dining out just because I can. I regret living at the moment financially. This situation was not considered when I was eating all the food and buying all the clothes and shoes just because I was stressed out. 

This morning, I was frustrated again. I wanted so bad to volunteer because I have this urge to do something. In times like this, I want to act. I want to help. However, there was a curfew, there was no car available and it seemed irrelevant for me to arrive at the place because it is getting late. My family also made me realize, I have to stay home. There are no testing kits to know if I am infected. This is true plus the fact that I will put my whole household at risk. My friend told me, you are doing something by staying home. So I stayed home. Today, I realized I have to review my notes because I am a law student. This will be my share to my people. Someday it will matter. 

A while ago, I decided to clean my room and declutter. I disposed a lot of expired medicines, expired make ups and some old receipts. There were also some receipts from everything. I have a thing with receipts. There was this plan to organize my finances so that I can see what I have been spending. It never happened. Then I saw my wedding plans for the wedding that never happened. Some cards from suppliers and the reservation for the church ceremony were compiled neatly. There was also a list of wedding songs. I checked on myself if there is a need to stop what I was doing. There was nothing but a commendation to myself for being so strong the whole time. I actually seemed unaffected by him leaving but there was a bit of hate for the situation I had to face because he was indecisive and I had to face the consequences. Regardless, I think I handled it like a pro. Thanks to the spinning classes that made me sweat so hard I cannot even cry right now. This makes me realize, I am in a good place and whatever happens I can face it with grace.