It is funny. I commemorate the ending of a story that I made up. This is making me feel like an ugly girl who was not graced with a second look. This sends me back to the younger years where I was not getting attention because I was not too much of what was wanted. I was being too much of myself. I know I have to deal with these issues on my own. It has to end before a fire breaks lose.
The thing is I have no self control. I cannot stop thinking about him. It is impractical because I do not know anything about this person. We are just talking occasionally.
This morning, while I was entranced with a debate with myself to check if he sent me a message, (I really sound desperate) I remember a friends who were in a similar situation like this. It did not work. It ended like some tragic Titanic story that looks shallow and irrelevant from an outside perspective. Right now, a voice in my mind is telling me that I am being stupid which is contrary to what I really am. Its just that I do not have a strong will. I bend to any thought that I myself romanticized just because I feel like it.
In my mind, there is this story where you come to see me and sweep me off my feet. I am mentally laughing at myself right now. If there are two persons in my body, the other is now laughing hysterically at the other. This is the part of me that I have never outgrown. This is the part that I was told I am too obsessed with - the idea of love and its association with fairy tales.
It just makes me happy. It was a mistake that I correlated happiness with the idea of a romantic love. Where did this even start? Maybe it was Pride and Prejudice or the story of Cinderella. I came across them from my love of reading. I have a purpose for every book I read: to awaken my mind, I read thriller and suspense books; to arouse my imagination, I have fantasy and anything magical; to get in touch with reality, I read bios and anything based on real life; and to lighten the mood, I read love stories. I just figured out why I am obsessed with the idea of love. There is so much reality in the world of a grown up and I want an escape. I have been escaping for a very long time - making up so much stories that I start to think they are real.
I guess that is why my relationships end. There is too much imagination and it was not happening in real life. I have been covering the hints of the universe that shows that its dead end with my own version of events. The reality is I have to suffer and become a lawyer. There is this dark tunnel that I have to cross to get what I want and I have been avoiding it for the past years. I am too scared of the question of whether I can do it. There is this doubt to myself of my capabilities and I keep on refusing to avoid the question. I tend to divert my thoughts on romantic love because in the movies finding "the one" is how happiness is achieved. It is even easy to gain access to as long as you have a pretty face and a "cool girl" attitude. You just have to pretend like you will submit to the guy and act interested. You just have to lay low in order not to hurt his ego with the reasoning that if you do not make much mistakes he will stay and your idea of happiness derived from watching Pride and Prejudice repetitively will remain.
To end this line of thought, I will now do myself a favor and review.
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