Defense Mechanisms: Survival Guide in the Covid-19 Era

 These are challenging times. It is extra tough requiring stronger mental health and more money in the bank. Mental health to battle the effect of quarantine and more money to survive realities. 

    So, what happens if you do not have the two? Your brain freezes and your body becomes weak. You will feel helpless and hopeless in a situation where there seem to be no answers. Then the moment comes when you have to decide: are you going to die or just fight? 

    In my case, I noticed how selfless I am. I still donated some things to some people who need help and still supported some suppliers in my business even if I had to close during this pandemic. It is my principle in life to help even if I do not have much. This does not mean I am a saint. It is just a way of trading with God. I always tell him that I am doing good things. In return, he must shower me with good karma right? 

    There came a time when reality sunk in. I have not much money left and I will still be in financial drought as this pandemic plans to overstay. 

  

Pandemic Stories: Running Away from Depression

 I met someone online. After graduating from the university, he went on a one-year trip to France just to chill. The plan was to find a legit work after the trip. But then, COVID happened. In my case, I invested most of my money and left a spare for just 3 months of expenses. These are just a few of the horror stories during this pandemic. 

In the process of saving yourself from depression or poverty, so many factors will come to attack you like a flood. This is like an announcement that you have a Cancer and someone tells you that it is okay. It is not okay. A friend told me that I have to feel this. 

1. Acknowledge

Yes. I am bitter, sad and broke. I bought a car, I cannot pay for my tuition fee and I have no money. I had to take an online job because its the only thing that I can do. 

2. What is number two? Take it all in. 

I wallowed in misery. Prayed to God for a miracle. I even thought of  getting a loan but I hate debts. 

3. Chill

I went out. Drank a cup of coffee and ate an expensive meal. I missed this life. I miss the times when I just go to the spa when I am stressed. After that, I packed my things and had to face reality. 

Well, I do not have answers to my questions nor do I have solutions to my problems. I just know that I will not give up. I have survived when my ex-boyfriend left me hanging while I was planning a wedding. I was able to raise a business when it was drowning in debt. There are so many things I have succeeded in. 

4. Remember you are not yet dead

Fight while you can. Crawl if you can. Do not stop breathing. The world does not end here. 

The Men I Met in Tinder: Uncensored

I have said my goodbyes to my old soul. She sucked in her life's views anyway. Being naive good girl who romanticized everything into a fairy tale slammed her to the pits of hell. But guess what? She crawled her way up to an open grave. She burned every ounce of fat in the process. She sweated like a pig in the gym because crying makes her head hurt. 

Oops. I went off-topic.

Online dating is one of my most hated forms of knowing people people this. It is insensitive and it seems like this makes us lose sense of why we are humans in the first place. But then, the wind blew, I found myself joining Tinder, Hoop and gave up my Snapchat account to so many. 

So these are the men I met on Tinder: 

1. Demanding

This guy wanted me to prove that I am not a catfish. I later learned that there are so many catfishes in the world. He became angry when I did not send a photo. So angry he called me so many times and then he blocked me. Talk about unresolved issues? I hate having to explain myself or having to prove myself. 

2. Always Hard

I never thought it was humanly possible. This guy asked me to compare dick sizes from different races. He sent me so many photos of his hard dick while asking me what I am currently doing. I never knew dick pics can be a part of a normal conversation. 

3. The Trader

It was later explained to me that pictures are traded in these platforms. Someone even further emphasized that it is the way in the online dating world. This guy sent me a half opened zipper that showed half of his dick. He said if I want a whole picture I should send a whole photo also. I never thought I would be negotiating in this part of the world. 

4. The Doctor

At first, he is sweet. I even thought I can meet the one online and my fairy tale-loving-idiot self started to believe again. He was perfect. He told me not to do anything I am not comfortable with. See, I like men who are sensitive. Of course our conversations were mostly kinky because I am not a saint. I learned a lot from him. How to take photos of myself and even researched online how to take nude photos. It was so enlightening. I learned that this is another form of art. 

5. The Handsome

This guy is so cute. He keeps on sending me snaps of his beautiful face and his beautiful body without caring about what I thin. 

6. Him 

We shall see how it goes. 

HOW TO COMPLIMENT A WOMAN

I wonder why I found myself in the world of online dating. Let me skip the part that led me to this decision. You were supposed to be THE ONE guy. Now, there are a lot of them. Maybe, I am a whore in the digital world and don't you dare judge me. I have met so many men who just shower me with compliments. Tinder passport gave me an access to men from so many countries. Based on observation, the French do it best. 

There are two categories of words used in complimenting a woman. These are dirty words and polite words. Some men use the dirty words immediately which is a bit shocking to the point of triggering the FLIGHT response of a person. You do not send a dick pic at the beginning of the conversation. However, words that are polite are only appropriate for a very short period of time. The longer you respect a woman in online dating the sooner the convo will end. My favorite is a combination of dirty and polite words. A French guy talked to me this way. It made me feel like a queen. 

I know not all women are the same. But you should test the waters first before taking a dip. 

My Tinder Journey

1. I posted a half naked picture of a woman. There was a flood of indecent messages and I guess that is not surprising. Still, I must admit that the attention is flattering. Somehow, it fills a void in a drained self-esteem. 

2. A picture of chocolate cookies lathered with chocolate. 

I found my people- the chocolate lovers, the foodies, the coffee shop enthusiasts and the hungry. It was a better set of conversation because there was talk about things I love.

3. The Tinder Passport. 

My friend suggested Tinder Passport because I feel embarrassed if people I know will see me in Tinder. I went to Scotland because of the tv series Outlander and I posted a real pic. Initially, I thought I am really pretty because there are so many guys messaging me. Then I realized its normal because of the quarantine and people are doing nothing. 

And then I met a guy... 

4. The Ring. 

This is the funny part. You know how cool it is to have those props used in movies? My friend has the ring from the Lord of the Rings. I find it so cool that I used it. I met my generation of movie enthusiasts. However, there were those who have zero awareness about the ring that Frodo delivered risking his life. Some men asked if I was married, or it was a wedding ring and many more ring stories that are unrelated to the Lord of the Rings. 

In conclusion, my quest for searching a love story in online dating apps has been fun. This is a world of lonely people indeed. We all seek companionship from someone who thinks like us. But no two people think alike. It will always be a matter of patience and commitment to stay and survive together. 

What Changed?

Before

My life is a mixture of drama, practicality and a rat race. Everyday is another set of problems. I struggle with myself because I have so many issues with the world. I can say I am proud, selfish and yet gullible to the point of stupidity. All this because I believe that we owe it to ourselves to think that we are a big deal. There is a list of accomplishments in my head that I keep on mumbling whenever I feel like I am falling down. It is a defense mechanism that I know think is a bad one. 

During

At the beginning of this quarantine, I found the break as a great time to rest. I binged watched so many TV series and slept in what was left of the day. I set aside all the things that I had to do because I thought I deserved it. And then it dragged on. There was an extension of the quarantine after another extension. 

Mental: the Roller Coaster of Emotions

First, a self-reflection to review your life. There is a set of flash cards slapped in your face for every year of your life. Now, you bummed for two months and there is this feeling of emptiness. Apparently, all the activities were non productive. 

Second, there is time for family. Suddenly, meals are more meaningful because they are home-cooked. It was even more practical because there are no more expenses for eating out, gas for the car and time is plenty. 

Lastly, the lesson to pick up the pieces of your mental clutter and make them whole again. It is like a puzzle. The pieces are messed up, you form it but you have to break it again for the next player. The next player is still you. The mind is wonderful. 

After

There is a talk of a "New Normal." I hope everyone survives. Actually, I believe that everyone survives. Everyone managed to arrive at this point. It was the worst mental struggle of all time. There was a lot going on in the mind- finances, work, family, health and safety. It was the war of humanity where we all fought in our own ways. 

To Block or not to Block

Let me talk about how I feel.
First, it was disbelief. There are so many idioms to describe how you dropped me just like that. You tell me how bad I treat you. With all that is happening right now, I will choose not to hate you. I hope you are happy.

Second, Anger and Depression. These emotions attack me interchangeably. I wonder why my thoughts go to you during this time. It does not mean I want you back but losing you was a total change of direction of all my plans. So many good things happened to me during the transition. From an outside perspective the good things outweigh the hurt but sometimes the hurt is overwhelming.

Third, acceptance. I know you no longer love me and I cannot force it on you to love me back. If I can talk to you I want to thank you. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for letting me go. Our relationship was toxic and we tried. Or maybe you are just one giant ass of a fuck boy who cheats their way out of a relationship. Let us just say I have an attitude problem to not bother explaining to the world why you have to cancel a wedding that I prepared for months. But seriously thank you for letting me avoid the biggest mistake of my life. You are a weak piece of shit that had to go away. I have a right to be angry right?

They say forgiveness is an ideal gift to those who hurt you. I forgave you already.

How to Understand Your Role During Quarantine

I watched a Ted Talk where the speaker explained that love gives additional energy to a person to do things not normally done for the significant other. The same thing goes with being heartbroken. I agree because he took the listener down the memory lane to remember the euphoria of being in love and the gut-wrenching feeling of being heartbroken. Indeed, there is that surge of energy that can drive one beyond physical capacity. 

As an experiment, I opted to feel being heartbroken again since I am not in love with anybody right now. I listened to sad songs of failed love, which is one that I can relate to. I sent myself back to the state of being a frustrated bride whom he left for another girl. All the shame and the disbelief came back in a flood while Lady Gaga sings "Never Love Again." I cried wetting my shirt and a lot of tissue. After five minutes, I assessed myself for that surge of energy. There was nothing but the absence of the will to live. My head felt heavy, my eyes are hot and I was sleepy. 

I am doing this to drive myself back to the rush of life I was having before this quarantine. You see, I have a business and I am a law student. Aside from studies, I pride myself to providing livelihood to so many families. The local industry affects so many lives from suppliers of the raw materials, weavers, sewers, other traders and shippers. In effect, when the local industry is running well, children go to school, rents are paid, mothers can stay at home to work and take care of the children at the same time. In short, there is food to eat. I prided myself to being one of those in the front lines of this industry. It is my goal to promote our products for my suppliers.

 This source of pride was taken from me when I was forced to stay at home and observe quarantine. I lost sense of direction because it feels like eternity. It caused a wave of mood swings as I battled with myself to stay put. They told us to review but my mind is revolting. With all this war in my head, I still know that I have to vomit the drama and do what I can do. 

I talked to a lot of people. Some kept themselves busy by performing domesticated chores. In the internet, some cooked and made fancy drinks. I tried watching motivation videos in youtube and still read notes since I am still a student. I dug in my mind the question why I am feeling this way. I know I can do something but I do not have that drive. 

In the end, a movie gave the answer: Official Secrets starred by Keira Knightly. I learned that love to and from a person is not enough to change the world. It must be the stern compassion to humanity and to what is right. These are trying times indeed. It was petty to think that failed relationships can zap me back to where I stopped. It was not enough to make me understand what I can do right now. It gave me a drive to knowing that something worthwhile can be done right now which can be a great contribution in the future. 

To each his own. This usually applies to opinions but I think every person now is contributing. Life on earth is not so bad. 

 

On Quarantine Life: Contentment in Food

Here we are in the middle of chaos. The chaos of the mind and the heart. The earth fell silent to cage us and not allow any movement. We take a sit and think- what will we do now? 

My favorite part of quarantine life is that I have time to think about issues that I have been escaping from the longest time. What do I really want to do now? 

Now is a word that pertains to the present. It is where we are. We have all these goals, regrets and other thoughts about the past and the future. There are a lot of things that we want to change and a lot more that we want to accomplish. With all the time that we have right now, we just have to decide what will we do now? 

Before this virus outbreak, decisions are usually based on priorities. Each aspect of our lives are categorized and ranked based on importance. When asked the question- what will we do now, we just pick something 1st in the rank. Today, everything you do is based in what you want. 

As for me, I pondered on my usual busy schedule. When I want to make myself guilty, I will watch a movie and blame myself for lack of self control. I usually hate myself for doing everything and it will always seem like I am lacking something. Today, I just woke up, watched a lot of movies and tried to read. I am having the time of my life. I still have problems but I choose not to think about it for now. I never thought I will be this content in just having food to eat and everything I need. 

Thoughts on Quarantine Life

They tell us to stay at home for almost one month. 

During the first week, I spent my time sleeping and watching. The next week, I messaged friends and family. In between all that was confusion- on deciding how to spend the time well and depression- because you are asked to stay put, like a dog on a leash just guarding the house. 

After three days of sulking, I decided to be happy. I downloaded Tinder so that I can talk to random people and maybe find love in an unexpected place. There are so many kinds of people in Tinder - some are horny and some are trying to explain themselves why they are in Tinder like me who thinks they can someone relevant in a dating app. I found nobody. So I just talked to this guy that someone introduced me to. After all I cannot maintain communication with a lot of people. 

The next thing I did was clean the house. I took the mindset of a professional cleaner who must clean everything spotless. I must say, this is the most fulfilling part because I accomplished something. 

For the next weeks, I am thinking of making a garden, continue blogging and preparing notes for school. I will choose to be positive about what is going on. 

How to End Things

It is funny. I commemorate the ending of a story that I made up. This is making me feel like an ugly girl who was not graced with a second look. This sends me back to the younger years where I was not getting attention because I was not too much of what was wanted. I was being too much of myself. I know I have to deal with these issues on my own. It has to end before a fire breaks lose. 

The thing is I have no self control. I cannot stop thinking about him. It is impractical because I do not know anything about this person. We are just talking occasionally. 

This morning, while I was entranced with a debate with myself to check if he sent me a message, (I really sound desperate) I remember a friends who were in a similar situation like this. It did not work. It ended like some tragic Titanic story that looks shallow and irrelevant from an outside perspective. Right now, a voice in my mind is telling me that I am being stupid which is contrary to what I really am. Its just that I do not have a strong will. I bend to any thought that I myself romanticized just because I feel like it. 

In my mind, there is this story where you come to see me and sweep me off my feet. I am mentally laughing at myself right now. If there are two persons in my body, the other is now laughing hysterically at the other. This is the part of me that I have never outgrown. This is the part that I was told I am too obsessed with - the idea of love and its association with fairy tales. 

It just makes me happy. It was a mistake that I correlated happiness with the idea of a romantic love. Where did this even start? Maybe it was Pride and Prejudice or the story of Cinderella. I came across them from my love of reading. I have a purpose for every book I read: to awaken my mind, I read thriller and suspense books; to arouse my imagination, I have fantasy and anything magical; to get in touch with reality, I read bios and anything based on real life; and to lighten the mood, I read love stories. I just figured out why I am obsessed with the idea of love. There is so much reality in the world of a grown up and I want an escape. I have been escaping for a very long time - making up so much stories that I start to think they are real. 

I guess that is why my relationships end. There is too much imagination and it was not happening in real life. I have been covering the hints of the universe that shows that its dead end with my own version of events. The reality is I have to suffer and become a lawyer. There is this dark tunnel that I have to cross to get what I want and I have been avoiding it for the past years. I am too scared of the question of whether I can do it. There is this doubt to myself of my capabilities and I keep on refusing to avoid the question. I tend to divert my thoughts on romantic love because in the movies finding "the one" is how happiness is achieved. It is even easy to gain access to as long as you have a pretty face and a "cool girl" attitude. You just have to pretend like you will submit to the guy and act interested. You just have to lay low in order not to hurt his ego with the reasoning that if you do not make much mistakes he will stay and your idea of happiness derived from watching Pride and Prejudice repetitively will remain.

To end this line of thought, I will now do myself a favor and review. 

The Idea of Sparks

A few full moons ago, I am indignant at the idea of sparks.

Sparks, in the vocabulary of romantics, refer to that tingling feeling from an unknown place when you see a person. It is an instinct that you two have a lot in common or that you can have a relationship with that person. It is a far-fetched conclusion that he or she is your soulmate based on the reason that you feel something good just by looking at the person. Sometimes, I think of sparks in its literal meaning. You just see stars when you see a person. 

Usually, sparks show at the first instance of seeing a person physically or face to face. For the romantic, it is an exciting phenomenon because the presence of sparks is usually the basis whether you will still communicate with that person or not. 

The thing is, romantics are just in love with the idea of sparks. Sparks can manifest with anyone you meet or its just me looking for any semblance of similarity from a person who obviously is beyond my reach. While my thoughts are consumed by the idea of sparks, there is nothing actually happening in reality. I have my own version of events and somehow I am contented with it because it makes me happy.  

In the past days, I have been trying to make fire from the rocks of my heart so I can see sparks. I made sparks that only I can see for a person who obviously is impossible to be with. It might be pathetic but I was happy. However, its becoming frustrating and I hate it when I start seeming to be desperate. I think it is time to cut connections with this guy. Besides, I cannot afford any distractions right now. You see, I am ending something which never even started. I am alone in this goodbye. Though I am happy I felt sparks. 

On Living Life Under Quarantine

Amidst the quarantine to contain the virus, every person is struggling. One cannot discount another's problems just because. One this is for sure, we are given so much time to step back from this situation and take a good look at how we live our lives. 

As for me, I initially realized how I do not have enough savings to survive if this quarantine drags to months. I regret drinking expensive coffee and dining out just because I can. I regret living at the moment financially. This situation was not considered when I was eating all the food and buying all the clothes and shoes just because I was stressed out. 

This morning, I was frustrated again. I wanted so bad to volunteer because I have this urge to do something. In times like this, I want to act. I want to help. However, there was a curfew, there was no car available and it seemed irrelevant for me to arrive at the place because it is getting late. My family also made me realize, I have to stay home. There are no testing kits to know if I am infected. This is true plus the fact that I will put my whole household at risk. My friend told me, you are doing something by staying home. So I stayed home. Today, I realized I have to review my notes because I am a law student. This will be my share to my people. Someday it will matter. 

A while ago, I decided to clean my room and declutter. I disposed a lot of expired medicines, expired make ups and some old receipts. There were also some receipts from everything. I have a thing with receipts. There was this plan to organize my finances so that I can see what I have been spending. It never happened. Then I saw my wedding plans for the wedding that never happened. Some cards from suppliers and the reservation for the church ceremony were compiled neatly. There was also a list of wedding songs. I checked on myself if there is a need to stop what I was doing. There was nothing but a commendation to myself for being so strong the whole time. I actually seemed unaffected by him leaving but there was a bit of hate for the situation I had to face because he was indecisive and I had to face the consequences. Regardless, I think I handled it like a pro. Thanks to the spinning classes that made me sweat so hard I cannot even cry right now. This makes me realize, I am in a good place and whatever happens I can face it with grace. 

How to Overcome Mistakes

1. Do something unrelated right away.
2. You surely have a next thing in your to-do list.
3. Do not dwell on it.
4. Accept the fact that sh** happens
5. Do not romanticize the idea of your stupidity
6. Do not rationalize. It was a lapse of judgment. A momentary stupid act.
7. Do not blame.
8. Focus on looking for what you did wrong.
9. Divert your energy to something else where you exert effort.
10. You will do better tomorrow

Confused

In my mind, there is a battle going on. One side wants war and the other wants peace. Someone do not want to fight. The other wants a full blown battle. Who will win? I will be deciding. If the war freak wins, I will be functional. If the other wins, I will self destruct. But my desire for survival will let the war freak wins because the peace lover is boring. 

I want to let you go. I do not know you but you are the constant reminder that I am ugly and fat. Do you really think it is the personality? No. You used your body and your scheming cool girl tactics while I was on my journey to becoming a mother. You stopped it all for the thrill of peace and compatibility. Of course it is not totally your fault. Dogs will always want bones. 

The real life is calling. Please go far away from my mind. Please stop existing in my world. Please stop being happy that I am gone. Please stop thinking I even existed in your world. 

My Daily Dose of Pain

My pains are back. I have a four times a week class with his relative and it will be a four times a week reminder of him. All the emotions are going back. This is so unfair. He is already happy in the arms of another and here I am wallowing. I do not want to hate but it was partly my defense from all the pain. Until now, I think its cruel that casting me out of your life is celebratory to all who care for you. I never thought you were just waiting for me to agree that we break up so that you can be with her. Was I really that bad? Was my existence so abhorred that you just cannot wait? 

My mother told me to not broadcast my problems. And here I am blogging it out. And now I will think of a solution. I will not let it affect me. She is a great teacher and I will just forget that they are related. Maybe the idea that you died is not enough. I have to convince myself that you never existed. It will be ridiculous to hate a subject just because the teacher is your aunt. It is a subject that I  starting to love. She seems to require that the whole book should be read by now. This is challenging. I will not back down. I will be a lawyer and you will not stop it. I can do this with prayer to God to give me strength. 

Suicidal

There are so many depressed people these days. It is now a prevalent disease which does not discriminate. It affects everyone. Recently, someone I know killed himself because his depression was just overwhelming. He can hear voices in his head. He pulled the trigger.

When people commit suicide, there so many opinions. But since, depression is now regarded as a normal disease suicide is understood as its consequence. This is just wrong. It is wrong to kill yourself just because you are depressed. It is wrong to surrender to it just because you are sick. Some people are battling cancer and those with depression must learn how to fight too. Having depression is not a defense to die. It is not an excuse to live a crappy life. 

Do not give up for the sake of all of us who are depressed. Life is not perfect but we will see this through. Just hold on for some time and just keep on holding on. It will get better. 

How I Survive My Problems and Celebrate Victories

I notice some people have a habit of talking about their problems. Life being so difficult, issues with people surrounding them and any unfortunate event. 

There was a time in my life when I also love talking about negative issues. Then my ex boyfriend left me for another girl which ended my wedding preparations. The bomb was exploding in my face and I was alone in announcing that there will be no wedding to family, friends, neighbors and a gazillion of relatives. During that time I was in a lot of business deals to raise funds for my wedding. Well, I just invested all my money to make it grow while preparing for my dream wedding. So there, I have no face to show people. I was cashless and ashamed. I was so heartbroken. 

You know what saved me? I never talked about it to anyone in the first weeks that followed. I went to the gym and poured my heart out in working out because that is my release of energy. I cry but only for a minute. My mind was on constant run to rationalizing what just happened to my life. This resulted to an understanding that life will never be perfect. 

Right now, I am in a better place. I want to celebrate this. It may not be in a grand gesture but just the mere fact that I am happy with the girl I see in the mirror. If only others can understand. Talking about your problems is not the solution. It only makes you dwell in the idea that you have a problem.  You have to dig deeper within and just deal with things with what you have. Since you will die someday, why swim in a sea of negative emotions. What if you just embrace courage, faith and love? Maybe you will be fulfilled. You will realize that you are tougher than you think. 

The Bored 20 Something

What am I doing?

Reading The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang.

Notes:
All the lives lost  were not wasted. For they all signified a thing or two. In this world we are but specks of lives trying to make it through. We all have a role to play in times of war. You just have to choose which one you can play in accordance to your principles in life or your advocacy, if there are any. You can be a hero, who will die trying to win a war or a victim of circumstances who was not designed to be a soldier and yet you were there to serve the country based on necessity. You can be a woman raped over and over, subjected to the act of sex which was supposedly a euphoric act but unfortunately your partner is a disgusting sweaty smelly meaty devil who sees you as nothing more but another piece of vagina.

What saddened me most was the afterthought of the words if only and what if are spoken. My grief is not yet late I hope. For the lives lost as stated in this account are too many to bear for a nation. The world must at least acknowledge.
Ross Terrill once said only if the past is understood can the future be navigated.

I have a theory.

Night Thoughts

1. How can I earn more money?
2. How will I become an expert in time management?

I am outside the house rushing something. It must be done outside because of the dust and I want some view while I work. There are some dogs roaming around the street. It was their time of the day to rule. They bark, they ran and they flirt with each other in open view. They seem to acquire courage in the absence of daylight. 

The cold is starting to seep through my body. My feet are already numbed by cold. This means I have to be inside the house. I have to sleep because I have to wake up early. While in bed, I am having flashbacks if all the things that happened to me. I have survived. I am so proud of myself. The next move I have to make is figure out what to do next. 

My mind is racing. There is a lot happening and time is flying so fast. I miss the time when I was chill, naive and romanticize everything that comes my way. But this does not mean I want her back. Maybe I just want to commemorate how she died and I was born.