TALKING

there were those moments you suddenly get a flashback. and everything was happy. if you tell me that i would pretend not to understand. because maybe there are a thousand reasons for me to go away but i cannot-my heart remains here.

well, let's say i was way too happy when i saw you. and way too torn between what i call happiness and what is real. it is difficult to tell if this is a dream. or that it is not easy to choose. if i could- i would wish that he'd be you or you'd be him.

do not be mistaken. i am not confused. i just saw pieces of the puzzle. i wonder why it cannot be how i wanted things to be. then someone comes wanting to complete everything by saying what i had always wanted to hear. even showing what i always wanted to see. this is where i thought- i wish he was you.

certainly nobody can tell what defines people. without comparison. or basis. certainly, we cannot tell what makes them that or this. we just stick to them because of certain reasons that even we ourselves cannot express in words. we just want them. and we are happy. but what if-

there is always that guilt or regret of not trying things, or not reciprocating love given or shown. but what confuses them as much as it confuses me (a feeling that is always late) is that: could we love as many as we want. if we have only one heart?

man is frail. and life is short. from what you have said. i cannot sleep and i am thinking with my mind.

part one

Friday, November 20, 2009 at 8:46pm |

on the first night i was very sleepy. yet they told us we have to wear that white cloth and we have to stay there from 12 to 8 in the morning.

kulas sat beside me. said hayyyy- i'll imbento my soap. then. i said what? didn't you talk to the patient. he said nakaturog met.

i saw juan's paper- wrote encourage verbalize of feelings. then no corrections was done. it was considered correct.

i walked around. everybody was asleep and i hate them for that. no one to talk sentiments with. then i saw the bad- said it should drop 15 per minute. but the drops were continuous-looks like 80 drops per minuto.

then i walked again. the other said 20 drops per minute. but it was not dropping.

baby white was always crying. one morning he cried again but harder than ever. blood back-flowed. fast drip but there were no drips. aspirate. full syringe then PUSH! won't budge. full force a series of strong pushes. mam vim said its done slowly. lesser pain. lesser pain. the blood was gone. then it came back. maria aspirated again. again with those pushes... baby white was crying. there was fast drip already. fast drip plus aspiration was done. in vain. no success. baby cried.

the comfort room. i entered i nearly vomited. it was so foul smelling- like shit, blood urine. all those effin smells. i took the zonrox. then kurdapya told me im aspiring to be a janitress. i also opened the door. because the comfort room and that room has the same smell. kulasa closed it. she said its cold. i said its so stinky inside. she said again its cold nga. she didn't get me- right?

part two

Saturday, November 21, 2009 at 8:37pm |

spelling bees
1. MIBBRAIN
2. SUBARACHROID


READ AND RE-READ


I forgot how to's i am so sorry. please accept the apologies i want to offer to those who were stabbed. to those hurt by the stones i threw. i was not lying. just criticizing. i felt so high i nearly doubted the presence of the earth. i questioned why they were stupid and i will never add the friends.

i saw rani. and she seemed very happy. why am i not happy? because i see the other side. always the other side.

a while ago i passed my effin NCP to maria. then she told maria she should give deductions. my nose. my ass.

pedrito did not tell us we have to go back. i told him the others were not informed. then she said o yes they were. it was announced yesterday!- damn you kulasa.

i was wrong. im sorry i forgot what i learned way back when i was two years old and you want to teach me again. those latex objects. haha- where are you from?

i was one of the dumbest. here i felt like a genius. maybe boulders of rock will kill me to death!!! stoneeee!

tomorrow we shall leave. i am so sad. so sad that i have to mingle with them pets. but i'll gladly share them all to those who'd like to feel like a genius. and follow my steps.

part three

Thursday, November 26, 2009 at 5:52pm |

"kiss the rain, whenever you need me"



i met white bitch and black bitch.

white bitch suddenly folded the hands of jira which bulged due to stasis. and i told her that that is painful then she told me. you need to move this parts because water was retained or else bla bla. talk about pain management? she did not just fold it. she moved it in a circular motion and did everything all over again. jira can't talk because of the wound. but i saw his eyebrows wrinkle and tears threatening to flow from his eyes. to this point i regret not pulling white bitch out of that room through her hair.

spongebob told us. aren't you ashamed of yourselves? well i wish sponge bob gave us more because i was effin hungry and try hard guy and ampang girls did not think of me. they went out and they did not just eat. they talked to friends and they laughed with them. while i cringe in my screaming stomach.

why in the world should i wear that fucking piece of trash. its way not regarded by many. imagine all of them look like they are going to the beach in their two-piece suit? crappy grossly. with all those hanging adipose tissues in their ugliest forms and them idiot think they look super great? yuck.

genocide_ they entered the building with those fans (how i wish i could talk straight). like their the elite. and i heard their mentor talk about matchboxes??? that is effin ancient why do they still talk about that.

i am so sad. she wrote vas deference. why? vas deferens hello?

a lot more. kumag said you have to be prepared to save time and effort then he asked for a kidney pan??? helloi. they are ineffective. unlike where i came from.

i am hating. everyone for their non compliance to what i want. and their lack of anticipation for my needs. why do i think highly of myself. i hate what is going on and i have the tears. i do not cry for now. because i cried to all of them all in vain. i am hating because i can no longer write. my books, i placed them all in boxes. i cannot even show what happened to me. i cannot even walk straight without rethinking. they should have told me they owned me. i hate them. i hate them.

i envy those who can smile the bitchiest smile. i miss the old face i had. i miss it. i miss him. i miss all of them and their worlds started turning while mine stopped.
i do not know if i should start forgetting. because the pain is too much to bear. and there is nothing else i can do. damn this fuckn life . damn these maudlins .shit

you just told me that i would be there. and i went there. now you want me to remain/stay/freeze. i am most hurt. you should've chained my hands and feet. you should have taped my mouth. then you should have wrapped my body. i wonder why.
of all the people... you locked the doors outside while i waited withing. and my hopes you burned them. you suck.

why ma. can't you let me love.
why can't you set me free... let me go


why can't you.

on loving.

i told keryn to stop cursing. since it makes her sound cheap. without breeding and all that. then i went to that corner for a puff. why cant i just say smoke. what does that make me?. i already took back a lot of my words. i no longer know what is happening.

woman: welcome to SLU!!!

it keeps on playing in my mind. it doesn't stop. it can't stop. it seems that i hear a shattering sound all around me. my efforts my hopes my plans my dreams. where did they all go? i think there was some sort of mistake there was... somewhere i have thought of all of these...

woman: you will be a nurse.

yes. again i remember that very moment. and the time i said sorry on my mind for shifting. but what curse have you placed on me? i know i am brilliant(?) i know i can empathize with all those sick people. i just can't take it. i can't look a their faces. why? because i seem to feel every pain. who wouldn't want to be a super hero? who wouldn't want to take away all their pains. hospitals give me so much reality. they tell me who's the boss. i cannot take this. now you want me to go back.

yes. i am scared. i cannot, and to hell with what you say. i close my ear i want to end this. fuck what the hell am i saying.

the shock- i cannot describe it.
the pain- constantly stabbing pain, made me numb
surrendered to the human weakness i curse most. fuck you all. go to hell. for i know what i want. what do you know ? dumb ass

wahahha

prying bitch. his text message read: i am sad when you do not text ma. please text always... but rem i still luv you... i didn't mean to...- i can no longer see his phone screen dammit.

what do you know about Titanic? - it sold a lot of millions. and the hoarse voice of rose saying "jaaaack, jaaaack!!" haha

she told me, "tell me something about yourself." .. very long silence. then laugh laugh.

and all the rest must follow. and all the others must be done.

there was this bitch. (i call most women bitch- them who are unlike the rest, them who aspire individuality, them who are bad and them who are great- in this world the mediocresgo unnoticed, their existence unfiled.) whose boyfriend looked like a um- doesn't seem to be aware how fugly her girlfriend is- but i did notice, how facial expressions shift and body language follows. haha love or whatever they call it really drives people crazy.

MOVIES

well. this was what she told me. find a job and you may not live here if you want. i said mom? fine! okay!!! well i then laughed im the worst daughter on this planet. kill me now. i did not answer back. i shut my freakin mouth from muttering anymore of my shit. i need her because im kinda broke and im pissed of the way i am acting. i want to isolate myself from everything. shit. what is happening to me. what the hell is happening to me. well that is just it . im done and over. claudine kept on texting me this morning about mc stuff. i told her that she must delete my name already from that list. she said. arlene ha! hmpf . and i told her its like im heartbroken. i cannot get over it!

and then i was confused between asking lora to meet me or not. though i saw her. i even watched transformer 2 all by myself and laughed at a few scenes -all by myself. i felt like here am again a loner. after finding myself a boyfriend after starting to establish. bullshit damn that college damn everything. from now on i must hybernate.



hybernate mode. i hate this life

A FAMILY LIKE MINE

i have six aunts, four uncles and an aunt and an uncle in my grandfather's second wife. i also have 39 cousins, five nephews and four nieces.

every Christmas, all saints day, and other occasions we would all gather in my lolo's house. we would party. everybody would be talking and if you're the silent type. you won't be unnoticed-just that most of us are dominating. everything is about competence. so if you are silent you cannot be silent forever. our personalities are just infectious.

its not a typical family. because we are disturbingly closely bonded. well that's just it. like a tree the strength comes from the roots. so other people may throw stones. but come on. you cannot kill a wall. well my uncle entered politics so, the family name became a bit famous in our municipality. so we looked up at ourselves more.

at the moment aunt Jane is still in abroad and I'm wondering how she did it- being separated from the family all these years. i never knew her totally-but you see in my family everybody is just like everybody. so when she comes home she's not totally the image of a rich aunt the fact that she doesn't have a family but o well look at it from a different perspective. we all try to spend time despite the busy life.

i failed to notice the importance of embracing where i came from. because family is where the heart is they say. and i think it is always like that.

now that lolo passed away. i think it is a new challenge to keep everything intact. now that a lot of issues are arising. truly it is a newer life that we all live right now. i must say no one really died. its just that the body faded. like what aunt Mary always say about transcending from the material world. that's why she's a vegetarian. and few understands why.

so maybe one can scrutinize us all. hate some hate the others. baseline: we love one another. so seasons may change winter to spring... that's a line from a song.


here i feel like talking about them. since things seem not to be the same.

BLANK

allow me:
what is happening to you? you are becoming the most impulsive bitch i have ever known.

the lines follow the patterns. or is it them that identify patterns? the certain path of what is ideal. i am kind of confused what is ideal anyway. who identifies it? fool.
allow me:

certain reasons:
please allow me. well. they told me i cannot yet because uhmm well for my negligence of not really completing certain requirements. and i am in a great desire again to shut off myself completely from the world. greetings

WOLFGANG

when you here a voice from a million miles away. then you start to listen to what it tries to say. you take steps. closer to where it comes from. and your feet drags you there.

you don't stop, you want to go there so you continue. life's like that and this. for once you have caught a glimpse of life. of a voice that says something about your life. and like all the rest who have heard this voice. all you do is follow. wondering if that voice can tell you answers that you seek: WOLFGANG.

maybe like little children in blossom all spread out in a wide field. wolfgang creates a music that speaks. like Bamboo or the others. and they are more that good. this is the music that remains for a lifetime. kudos to them. for the music

SAY WE WON'T STAY LONG? SAY THAT AGAIN

*three reasons i want to do in this life- live, love, write
*five reasons i can no longer do what they want- life, dreams, passion, time, reasons, destiny

why i just cant stay there. why i remain misunderstood. because i have to stop explaining myself. i just have to show. and they would understand- after some time.

why i love him, her, them, why i cannot defend, prove... because i cannot find reasons. to prove to defend. thus, i stay. thank you.

a teacher died recently because his wife cheated. why did he commit suicide when his wife just bore a son last last month. why he did that. reasons-refused to be heard. try turning the world upside down- why did the wife cheat. when he loved her so. he was too hurt to know. isn't that enough. obviously she did not stop. he committed sin in suicide. was it his fault? that he loved her too deeply. she was life itself. it is not easy to kill. especially when it is yourself-the victim. why? i the eyes of the world. he became worthless. lucky was the woman. she was loved like that. she should've...

I'm quiet afraid. that in what i see in this life would stop me from living life. and what the world shows me. stops life from coming to me. here. i saw a lot of people a like. like children, like ants in scamper. all finding some reasons. all living a life. all having individual reasons.all living as one.

i remember the details that night lolo died. i remember the fear and adrenaline rush. i remember everything. I'm so sorry. it was so sad. must i still say that? and its so sad how others spend their lives. how others waste it. i hope they should've shared a bit to my lolo. then everyone should've been happy. I'm sorry for my selfishness. this is my own greed.

BOYS OVER FLOWERS

its funny. how i ended watching the Korean drama series "Boys Over Flowers". it is not the way i expected it. i became bored at the ending. when happiness came to life. it lit their dim lives. it seemed like darkness would never come back again.

how then was that boring? it was wanting-more boring. for two people to fight for love and give most of their lives for it is simply amazing. hmmm- i was appalled to see and feel what the actors were trying to say. that in this world where we no longer believe in drama and magic our pessimism could be proved wrong. as long as you do things wholeheartedly.

let me not do this like a review. let me just talk about it. well, despite one fact that i am so eager that i can actually tell the story to someone in details... argh. the plot was so real. so life changing. because i knew that had i been the girl Jan Di. i would not have fought for it. i would not even pursue. i think i would choose to continue living in misery trying to forget someone that i love,. if i had not watched this. i would not fight for anything anymore. and my life will be continuously boring.

if asked if i have to love a man i would. but the possibility of being hurt must be only happening once. then no more. i would not be like them. for if i love i could offer my world. if they don't isn't that just unfair? well. i do not completely understand but life is truly complicated. and i should just get along.

i might just say some things that caught me off-guard while watching. it would be the times when their faces come too close signalling that they should kiss. and that in one of their cuts the actor Lee Min Ho was hesitant to touch the girl"s lips, hahaha. and what stunned me was creativity to please someone they love. like bright lights suddenly flashing in a dark night. spare my sentiments. but i know that every girl out there wants to be surprised with these little sentiments. but with reality check always beside us. uhmm- dreams are just dreams.

somehow, i wonder why i am suddenly falling for Lee Min Ho!!! well. its the character he played- gu jun pyo. women would like guys like him. maybe not all women. because we all have someone. our own definition of things...

to sum it up. Boys Over Flowers contains too much conflict, too much aggressiveness, too much pain, too much women, too much men... too much fun.

RANDOMLY

whenever i ask my brother if my clothes for the day are fine he just doesn't give me an answer. he said he's not a gay to know. should he be a gay to know what clothes look fine? i never asked anything related to that after that.

a while ago i watched the Angels and Demons that was inspired from Dan Brown's controversial work of fiction. while watching the movie, also starred by Ewan Mcgregor i was waiting for him to sing, like in his character in Moulin Rouge. i was wondering if it would become a musical like how Slumdog did a dance by the end. nobody was expecting that or that did not match. tell me, how wild is a movie maker's imagination? or mine, because i wished i was right that McGregor would suddenly sing. if i'd make a review out of it. i'd say the movie was uhmm- nice. people say this when there's nothing much to say. or that i really have poor knowledge on history on, analyzation- right analysis. or anything for that matter. well, i believe that movie goers watch movies. does that mean they'll know everything Prof. Langdon was talking about. hell. maybe historians think that im just another dumb ass- who the?

yesterday, i remembered that i actually have a boyfriend who did not, in any way, communicate with me. and i remembered! the things i told myself that i should require from my guy that was before. when i always have requirements when, requirements did not ruin me. and when requirements did not label me as someone dominating and demanding. requirements that left me alone and saddddd. how pathetic. please know that im still happy with what i am. i don't need a man. toinks could i blame others again?

sometimes i wonder, could it be that i am a positive person, if not for bla, bla, and blah? no. aunt mary said that still with you. so let me tell you my requirements but before that somebody told me yesterday that i must not allow my heart to get too close. then i reminded him her that being human it is either. real or not. however, i am only human too that i cannot love again and again, like it will always be the same. so i sent them a message: i am not a rock that must be touched to move. nor am i like the grass that bends only when the wind blows. liken me to a waterfall that pours everything it has, i can give you everything, even if you can't. but after that what must be left of me?

she

i am utterly amazed by people who exude an aura of vibrating strength. i notice such things by how they act. by how they talk. and mostly by how they carry themselves. thus, that is why i surround myself with people like these. not that i am a user at that or because i am like them, i am not sure.

this does not mean that i am a person who does not cry, and emphatize with other people. no. because strength was never synonymous to being numb. this thing that i want to talk about is a defense mechanism. against all the odds in the world. this is where you run when you know you should not embrace self-pity. because nothing would happen if you tell yourself or admit that you are a weakling.

usually i abhor weakness. usually i am weak too. and usually i give up. usually i do not risk. because i am scared of what. usually i do not admit that i am scared but obviously i am. and it goes the same way with all the other people like me. although we try to feel how other people feel. we try to explore their minds and place ours in their state. : we pretend to be conscious with our body figures the fact that we are still eating a lot. because we're not really obsessed on how we look. we still have something in us that should be satisfied first before anything else. and that also shows that we are the kind of people who possess the freedom that we can do anything we want. without restrictions. of course, this has certain consequences. we alter the normal pace of the universe. we become the opposite/extremes.


i adore my kind. at the same time. i care less for the others who do not aspire to become like us.
kudos.

random

sometimes, when we want to grab something we create an illusion that we are able to have what we want. and with that we just... let me say everything that comes into my mind. usually i do not take things seriously, because im scared i do not succeed, im scared i'll lose it. until now i am trying to understand my behaviors towards things and the reasons behind this. i figured out that the way i act is oftentimes related to my past.



when i was in highschool writing was one thing i did take seriously. and i loved it. but why my works has to be claimed by others and why press freedom should be suppresed and why nobody knew are some things i really fail to understand. thus when i joined a college pub i was overwhelmed (ITS SO GREAT HERE!!!) BUt my past remains. that i learned never to give a hundred percent to what you do because they may take it away. that at least just give a little part of you.

however, in writing i feel that my limitations are seen in the way i write. and i get so frustrated.all i have is passion, and the inspiration that occassionally flows through me. inspiration that only attacks me if im in a bad mood. and without that inspiration i am nobody but just another person who wants to be someone.

im still confused. is it wrong? or i do not know. a while ago i was so scared of that stairs. that dark side of the building. those hands. that door. the wind. no i did not see anything but i felt something. i felt something that made my heart race. i do not ever want to return there again.

i wonder, is this a part of me. that part who does not want to take risks. i know iam like that. but i also know that if its worth it go for it.

let me tell you another thing, i am kind of scared to get my heart broken. but i have to right? i do not know, ...

I WAS THERE

i sat by the sidewalk waiting for the streetdancing to start. then i stood up because it feels better. suddenly these group of oldies plus kids started sitting beside me. and i was forced to move far back sideways because there were a lot of them. none of them said -excuse me.

so i sat. so that other people who are like them won't push me more to the far end. then this kid opened his umbrella and he keeps on moving and moving it and it really annoys me and blocks my view. so i said- excuse me. and i was about to say -dayta payong. the kid looked at me in the meanest way. then said something i did not understand. then he looked at me again in the meanest way and said something to his sister that made the sister look at me too. -what did i do?! i do understand a bit of the dialect but mt. province again has divisions wherein there are different dialects with different versions and accents- how do i say that. i ignored the kid.

then this kid saw an uncle or something at the other side of the road. and he was shouting- pilak mo man!!! which means his asking for money. i don't know the kid ran to the man then leaving his space on the sidewalk vacant. then a lot more people came to fill that space. when the kid came back he cried when he saw his seat was taken. i was surprised he was able to obtain 100 pesos from the man!!! but he was crying without any tears.

then i stood up. i cannot take this. and i saw the parade has started. then this woman behind spoke. saying- __ dapat shak ti patugawem ta ada awit ko nga ubing. but then she was saying it to the woman beside me. what the? i was there i dont know if that meant- out of respect i-who belong in the younger generation should give a poor lady a place to sit. i think that'd be my choice ma'am.

still i have to take pictures and i want to enjoy the day. i left them all at that corner. tatta.

i don't know. i was taught to be polite. especially with other people. i was taught to say auntie and uncle; to say thank you, excuse me... to acknowledge people. to smile even if you no longer want to. i don't know what kind of pips they are. have i felt disrespected? yes. had that been baguio i would have spoken. should i have been surrounded by family and friends i would've corrected that. no. maybe i just did not feel like i belong. some of my roots were here too. but that is not me. or maybe they are just like that. but should that be the case forever? hell/ at least my grandparents who stay there are great people. it is them i want to ran to again.

THAT GIRL

wait. this girl tells me she cannot open my photos. omg. and there's a hint of smile on her face or is that even a grin? can you explain your ignorance to me? well i just cannot act like an irate. o i just told her. uhm- can you test it again? well. i really nderstand if it is not possible but can't she at least flash a sympathetic expression to at least soothe my frustration? f*** her. you dumb dumb piece of sh**. go back to your mama!. how the hell should i react to that?!

***

yes, i eat my words a lot. but i seldom take them back. so whatS THE point. here's one thing. i think i just want to live life. and then die. SORRY SORRY

***

WHAT I DID WHEN SOMEBODY TOUCHED ME- snail

i know one thing or two.
that is i am not foolish- so are you...

so,why then? do you torment me
with your ... stupidity
why do you stay.?
why do you hope?
in this time
after all the pain inflicted

inflict pain:to remove pain.
is wrong
it is the way i do
is it your way too?

i am so sorry then
if i cannot stay in your world.
and i have to live my life
i cannot feel my heart being broken
like a shattered piece of beauty.
like what yours is now.

goodbye.


***

hola blog. today, im so free like free. i am happy. well. that is that. harr- so what do i talk about. yesterday, i was pissed off. by things that i wish not to talk about. so one of the good diversion talk to someone. voila! my guy. because Laura texted asking for details but of course I'll talk to her in personal na lang. one thing i have learned. is to stay put. just stay put because I'm the kind who makes sugod all the time. remember? and there's this ex-best friend-sister keryn whom i must not see in any case because either I'd run to her and say "hi!!!!!" or just ignore.

oh- then recently, i know how bad i could inflict pain to people around me. how? psychological. you cannot hurt people by crying, by saying curses, by hurting physically- better yet forget there existence and your life is better. and who cares if their lives are in whatever the condition is. right?

yes. i know i am best in running away. but that is because i want to make sure that i am the one that comes out beautifully. and that's what everybody should do. because pride is everything. tell me its not.

then here comes this person- who wants to penetrate my being, my comfort zone and i have allowed it. whatta- this is such a beautiful disaster. how come Korean actors are so cute?

"that's the second girl... she's sweet, she's sensitive- everything that he would like... his type. and i know that I'm not like that. so that's okay. I'm the first girl- and i was the one who let go. that's my edge."

good luck to me.

MY GRANDFATHER'S ROOM

maybe i have not tried harder. but the moment i stepped in that room i have never felt at home. but the pain of seeing life fade away has not yet faded itself. the pain of losing still lingers. and i am still grieving. i know that it might be selfish-insensitive that i still wanted to feel what its like. to have that father in him. and maybe life was just that - gee i am blaming life??? maybe it was never meant for me. i wanted so much to breathe. so i did.

there was one thing. after that i never wanted to stay there again. because i do not like placing my mind- on a plan to live there to be with him. yes ma'am- i would be a good nurse- you were told me that. but why was i never given that chance to show it.? why only to other people-yes they needed it, i gave them what they have to be given: service, compassionate care. yes ma'am- i turned away from my foolish writing passion and my lowly dream of being a teacher- because i thought that i was doing it for the love of a person who, i realized, fail to see my efforts. thus, unwilling to let go of a man, i think, she illusions to love her. then. i have to let go too right? because my life, is not her life. i have to live because someday I'd die too. and i have to fight for these things i yearn for, right? i am sorry- if i would never be that good nurse. i shall carry all those words in my heart. after all. being a nurse never pertained solely to those who stay in hospitals. nurses are everywhere ma'am. i hope that you would understand such decisions. you yourself had let us go too...


so, i have to say goodbye to my grandfather's room. although and all the things. i shall never forget him and his life: as the man by the window, as the man who changed lives by merely existing. thank you

THINGS I THINK ABOUT

occasionally, i feel like i want to go far far far away from everything that surrounds me. and i do it often. and oftentimes i feel so great that i could jump in happiness at that but i won't- because that looks dorky.

all my life- i have stayed in this region somewhere over the mountains and the only chances i have to escape are field trips and other trips. although, i am so like my sister. or that like my sister i think we're bored living in here. but I'm not saying that i cannot call this place home. because i love it here. I'm just the kind of person who cannot stay in one seat forever.

i love water. i love beaches. i cannot forget the time when Nelia and me sat by the shore and watched sunrise. i remember how hard i tried to see. the sun went down so soon. but it was really a site. i loved it. i cannot forget beach encounters: with the friends, the Palawan shores and all the others. how i run to it and how the waves would stretch itself to reach my feet.

that is why i came up to a to-do list this summer: because boredom is consuming me. and i don't like boredom. although I'm not really that super busy person. i hate being sad. haha- here's my list

1. GO SEE A BEACH
2. DO THAT RESUME
3. ATTEND A MASS
4. SWIMMING]
5. SHOPPING: SHOES; BOOKS
6. SAVE UP FOR THAT
7. ATTEND THAT SEMINAR
8. IF I COULD/ GO TO VIGAN! TRY ALONE OR NOT
9. WRITE TALS/ SOME SONGS
10. I'M GETTING FAT: OMG.


that ends my list and i just hope that life will be happy this time.
1. my end-this-life thoughts would vanish
2. i wish that instead of me having eating by boredom I'll eat it instead.
3. I'll have that happy trip with him- actually the first time. i want to know how it is to be with someone. seriously.
4. just do something that makes sense

***

A DO NOT READ

i have imagined myself being heartbroken, heartbreak is an overused word and i hate using it. but that is the best word there is for such things. but this is so me. the reason i do not like indulging in things is because i do not believe in happy endings or that i never saw one.

so when i imagined myself being heartbroken. i do not know if i would cry. since i never believed in crying. still, i am so scared. how do i let go? right? there are a lot of what ifs that boom in my head. yet the Arlene in me would rather divert. i am the queen of diversions at that. and that save up something for pride. always. so that you can still embrace yourself afterwards.

i do not know why I'm posting this. maybe because i want so hard to fall in love but maybe i am starting to or maybe not yet, maybe I'm just denying it or maybe still on the process. its such a beautiful disaster- Kelly Clarkson. aaaaaaaaaargh! when Claudine asked me the whys in the relationship . well- i had known my answer since i ask myself these things: i told her because its just that i can stay with him for no matter how long. and though i find it weird but that is how i feel with my friends.- they are the people who i go out with every time without getting bored with each other. though sometimes for example, me and Laura would no longer talk but we'll just eat and sit and then talk about something when something would come up. sometimes i notice I'm the only one talking but that's the way of life.

sometimes i imagine that this would go on forever like how Claudine sees it with Adrian but I'm not that kind of person. i still know that guys will be guys (sorry) and its risky. aaargh again. this is one that makes me feel frustrated. " you found me"- Kelly clarkson again. i hate allowing myself to sink in all this stuff. one thing i know is that he's a great guy. flatter him, bitch. end this. stop it before i say more. xx

LOSING

i felt like a great tidal wave came over me very slowly. and a need to react attacked me. i need to scream, to cry, to do something. my friends failed- failing is a shame and we all know that. with that failing is painful.

it was so sad. i want to be angry because... they failed. so i cried. and it was sad that even if you'd see people who make you happy, that overwhelming sadness just won't go away. or that nobody on this planet would take that sadness away. so i cried na lang. because i have to let it out. but i was not so successful at that. because it was not my burden to bear. and i know that if i had been in that situation that would not be how I'll deal with it. i know that I'd rather revel silence to embrace peace. because i know then that i could think properly with everything... but not all people are like me. and i cannot go back to being demanding, manipulative and dominating.

sadly, they are in the world where people play the roles of gods and goddesses even if they're not. but that is the way it is even in the real world. where power has its own definition. but the real world is subjective either we choose to believe or not. maybe that is just the wa i is.

ate ria, a dear friend, told me "other men's crosses are not my crosses. so yes. i must symphatize but my world has a lot in it now. and I'm no darna. haha

darna is a Philippine superhero

FASHIONISTA

i wonder how they feel now that they are not even at home. like me right now who cannot just run to my homey bed to sleep. i cannot even sleep. i cannot even... "don't hate appreciate". play it over and over in your mind so that at least you'll learn something from him.

what should i talk about: FASHION.
so everything started in the 8th century- in Cordoba, Spain (FYI) when a famous musician Ziryab started wearing clothes. how was that? wikipedia said that he started wearing sophisticated clothes. since then, are people really aspiring to please - who? the normal trends. the average. then it said that in 14th century, James Laver and Fernand Braudel started Western fashion in clothing...

what is FASHION? this includes every aspect of human appearance: hair and make-up. though, sometimes even animals, like chihuahuas( spell?), have they own fashion line. imagine that.

in the 18th century Marie Antoinette became the fashion icon. what followed next was the rapid transitions of men and women's fashion in clothing and in hairstyle. celebrities have a major influence on these things. up to now.

confidence and precision is an image of this word. another determinant is class/ status quo. the upper class of Europe and the development of distinctive national styles remained very different for a long time. it is true that fashion is always dictated by the rich. their influence is inevitable. at some point fashion showed their power. then they turned fashion as dominance. sometimes the lowly class would try to imitate, they fail. one cannot imitate class. although sometime magic can happen.

sometimes i doubt accounts. sometimes they are just to biased on westerners. well, so when the Westerners travelled eastward they went they with their natural fashion sense and they said they introduced fashion to those asians. and they failed to emphasize that they adopted some styles.... amazingly. japan hasn't changed their way of clothing yet.

colors and patterns, fabrics and all. these things: these things that wrap us up. these things that tell me they define us. these things that tell people who they are. they give us a chance to judge and be mislead.

sometimes i scrutinize people's way of wearing clothes. yes, we have that fads and trends. as for me i do not go with the flow of these because i think it is a waste of time. but it is certainly amusing that some people really climb up from the - just to know how the view is from the top. but as i say. elites can look down. you just won't know it if you cannot even if step up.

what am i saying. this is it. sometimes people have to be aware if they are beautiful of not. define beauty. this is what i believe: we are all beautiful. however, if you are given the beauty of the body, you might not be given the gift of the brain. so it goes the same way the opposite. choose. so please. just be yourself.

WHAT REMAINED: an inventory of my baul-

last night, i wondered where my box of paper clips is. i remember seeing them last in... this was what i saw. i saw my memoirs in highschool and these are what remained:

ID's: grade 4 and @nd year highschool

BRACELET: Mary rose's

KEYCHAIN: *keryn's, Mariza's, a stone with a smudged "Friends Forever"

OTHERS: jo-anne's Birthday gift: a pendant

: wilver's heart-shaped jelly ace

: a gift to mary that was never given

: 2nd year highschool ID case with a name of my crush on it

: xaxu's ornamental leaf

: Jo-anne's Christmas Nerds- the candy.

:mayrick's pretzel assembled paper car

: 1-peso coin given by Mayrick, Greta and myrchael

:a digimon pin by keryn*

THE GROSSEST: a lock of hair my evil sister ripped off. huhu

OTHERS AGAIN

: a piece of paper containing all the impressions of my classmates of me.

: a thank you card from Jasmine

: a scrap book(literally)

: an autograph book (2nd year)

: certificate in Urban Dance- where i danced like crap

:a diary (3rd year)

: a piece of paper where they stapled my first stipend in MC

: a birthday/apology letter by abigayle

: another scrapbook

: a concern letter by tessie, regarding a fight between me and gerlyn. haha

: pictures of naked Daniel Radcliffe in his scandalous play- downloaded by kharissa/ laura*

: a birthday card from melody- di na tumutunog

: "i am hair conscious?"- another scrap book given to me by jo-anne (birthday-2nd year_

: a letter that was never given- what a bad penmanship.

: gift cards

: another bunch of homeroom pictures

: bunch of 1/8 papers of 4-h

: birthday letters by kharissa, gerlyn and abby

: a personalized card by Jo-anne

: lots of letters by jo-anne

: a letter from marivic

: personalized christmas cards from khariz and keryn(4th year)

: a valentine card from Victoria (elementary)

: a poem by abby

: angel figurine by wilver

: another figurine by...

: a box containing lots of letters by jo-anne(1st year college)

: a flower from my elementary graduation!!@!

: the first reciept in college

: candles by abby and thessie.

- and maybe i will never know where the others went. i may never know what just happened. whatever it is i do not know if i understand. sometimes i do am stupid and clumsy. sometimes i am such a big B. sometimes i am neither all this. and that is what you should see. because it is the way things are.

sometimes we become ignorant of everything. and sometimes...we just have to go back where the reasons lie. and wherever this quest to the unknown may lead us. i will not leave. well. who cares if you would. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

DONE

let me picture this. allow me to feel this, (step back. ..en-joy)

so. picture it.

you. just can't get it

and you do?

i thought you'd just...(slumps down to the ground)

sorry

you did not. (why?-

WHAT?

im tired of that question

i don't get you

you do?

-

you do not.

-

(steps back)

-

(stands)

-

(exits)

-

*NOTHING beats a good conversation...but if it is the time for me to write about it too.- what the hell had just happened. i thought i deleted those posts. i never liked people penetrating my very thoughts- i do not like people knowing me more than i come to know them. why.
it is always better to be safe right? if not... i have been there. when all the while. all you can do is hold your own hand. how sad was that? how sad is bitter posts and all that. how sad is allowing people to read your blogs. i am not that. i cannot be that person. huhu- can i cry? well, i first thought that everything would be easy. then suddenly that filthy Lab experiment was so studded with a lot of computations, at least i was able to bear those essay parts. and guess what i feel like jumping off a two-storey building after i have passed my works. kidding. bethany can sing>? then, well- wow man! nothing. i drank two cups of coffee i can't drink more- i know addiction. i really have that tendency. o well. then i am here. again, i want some adrenaline again. i want to... but i do not know if i can.

darn all those filthy boken dreams. i palmer, julius, remember? i'll become a lawyer, you'll become... i forgot. i do not know. recently i thought that fate is the one living my life. right? since highschool i met right persons in wrong places. i really am no good to planning. i am going to be a teacher.

but what if i have. my feet was already planted on your ground..i cannot turn back. i wish i could banish all those to make it

darn. darn it..

REASONS WHY SMOKERS SMOKE; WHY NON-SMOKERS DO NOT SMOKE & WHY SOME SMOKERS QUIT SMOKING

(yes)
1. DEPRESSION
: heard a lot about this crap. trying to relieve stress. trying to feel high. why? they say when you inhale it goes in the whole of your system. it is not that hard to xplain the effects of nicotine. nobody bothers anyway. as long as smoking kicks off depression, even just for a moment where the air around you becomes heavy. where you suddenly feel your heartbeat fast. it is where it seems that even those hormones are rendered useless because this does it best.

2. PEER PRESSURE?
: this crap is just another defense mechanism of protecting oneself from all the blames of what could happen. when in fact "there is always a choice" this term nullifies the fact that we are capable of thinking and deciding for ourselves.

3. COOLNESS
: picture this- a teenager holding a stick, starts to take it in- but when he blows it the smoke comes out as a scattered cloud, when it should be like a clean straight white air freeing itself from you. how cool is that?

4. BOREDOM
: when nothing makes sense, and there's nothing left to do. then suddenly. it is right infront of you.


(no)
1. REFUSAL TO SUBMISSION
: know that these companies are knowledgeable of tactics on so many things, like keeping you hooked. some people do not smoke because they simply would not allow themselves to be under the whims of smoking. they just won't.

2. PRINCIPLE
:"i have done other things except that-___" okay. so that justifies your other behaviors? no. however, luckily you may not have lung cancer, maybe liver cancer.

3. ?
: no, they never even thought of it. or saw it. or have an idea that it exists- they are called babies.

(no more)

1. THREATHENING SIGNS & SYMPTOMS
: when you suddenly can't breath- when air does not get in. because it is so heavy deep inside you. you just struggle you grip, drum your chest like that will do it. but it does not. well, you know that cause, you can't live with it- either you'd die with it or just live without it.

2. BELOVED
: how wrong is this? how right could it be. sometimes it is just wrong because, some reasons could be the future's cause. and there the blame goes.

3. REASONS
: name a thousand reasons and i shall no longer say them all. seek for meaning, crap and all. this is your life. be a better person. QUIT SMOKING.

A HUNDRED WISHES

: I just wish a thousand shooting stars would flash in the sky

1. get a good grip of a diploma
2. quit all the bad things
3. save up for something
4. love someone truly
5. go to boracay and wear a skimpy two piece suit
6. buy something for my mom
7. be inspired to write more.
8. become a teacher
9. learn how to play the guitar
10. write a song
11. join a beauty pageant (which was...)
12. have a day of shopping spree
13. have a pet : a cat/dog
14. have a condo
15. surf
16. bungee jumping
17. mountain climb
18. write my grandfather's life story
19. cry for a guy. until my eyes go bulgy red
20. save a life
21. win lottery
22. watch a thousand movies
23. design some clothes
24. change my way of clothing when im already a pro
25. go to church and pray
26. wear leggings!
27. model
28. dance ballet
29. see my friends and me again
30. forgive
31. live happily
32. be happy with what i am
33. go to belo and i'll ask her "are you God?"
34. become a teacher
35. go to africa
36. donate to charity
37. adopt a child
38. buy a dress and wear it
39. meet Tim Burton
40. treat my mom to the spa
41. go to the gym
42. organize a party
43. celebrate a birthday alone
44. go to palawan again
45. spend quality time with a love one
46. swim
47. have my own pool
48. see the beauty of life in someone's eyes
49. smile

50. sing a song
51. talk to my grandfather
52. paint a face
53. do sculptures
54. kiss in the rain
55. fall
56. cry in happiness
57. unleash inhibitions feel the rain
58. have a dinner with a candle light and ,...
59. eat a lot of icecream, chocolates
60. drink til i drop
61. try induced vomiting
62. make love with only one man
63. tell my family i love them so much
64. say thanks to my mom
65. buy a car
66. try ever kind of coffee
67. get rich
68. talk to the president
69. keep a secret
70. go to paris
71. learn how to play the violin
77. take up culinary arts
78. establish a business: botique; restaurant
79. witness magic
80. find a guy who loves me more than i love him (how crazy)
81. get wasted if im heart broken
82. find myself a cabinet for my little book collection
83. embrace everyone
84. watch sunset in the beach
85. live in the beach
86. eat mangoes with my sis!
87. taste some worms; and rats
88. finish TALS
89. wake up
90. have a doctorate degree
91. become a fashion magazine editor
92. become a dj
93. have some peace of mind
94. bear a child
95. slap another bitch in the face
96. cry again over a book
97. see him
98. make it all last
99. be real and true to myself and everyone
100. die, with a smile on my face

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

"does she know how she affected you"- the reader.

did she even know how you feel.

when you told her that you'll meet at three, did you? then you asked her to meet her at three. should you still tell if its am or pm??? then you told her you'll see her at three pm. and she thought she'll see you at three pm. usual place. then you did not go. you did not see her by three when you told her clearly that you would. so, she'll think that maybe you just want to make her feel something. maybe you just want her to learn (what?) maybe you just want her to think things over -to mature maybe. maybe you just overslept since you did not even bother to ask. you needed some asking. you needed a slap. so you did not even explain. when you needed explaining.

so she undertood.

because you are everything. been through so many things. and this is just among the things. stupid. no. that was love.her definition of love and patience. my own definition of martyrdom.

so let me tell you this you do not have the right to play on people's emotions. nor did you ever had the right of just trying not to hurt. go away.

have you ever been hurt? loved? nobody cares. and so just go. away.

sometimes i ask myself. we do doubt. we do have queries. we have every right to be innocent and yet defensive. above all we are required to be rational. humans as we are. no. being stupid is not included. what the-

"people pass in your life, and they are all worth keeping"-i said it

THE FIRST POEM

the dawn woke up and it woke everyone up.

so- the rivers flow to wherever they go- i just do care

the sun is just so hot why does it bother to shine

the mountains sunk to its royalty- who the hell are they.

wake up sleepy head the world is not yours to take- its mine,

just like you i am dreamy too.

haha- laugh the hardest way you want

you can't even fake a smile- stop it

you make me puke- but i won't because - for a lot of reasons

leave me alone- don't believe me.

i lied. i wasn't the only one who lied in this world. you did-

too right? i wasn't right. what am i saying, what was i doing.

just another stupid bitch am i. bitch?

*hi blog: i just quitted- quitting. quit. maybe for reasons that i wish will remain as reasons. and i will be okay right? no. i am not that- just that i know i clung to the wrong walls. and it would be hard to forget them right? i hope so. my body's returning to its normal state. unlike before. im loving it. im loving reasons and reasons they shall be.

THINGS THAT BOTHER ME

i am wondering. what am i really waiting for. why am i exploring corners so much. why do i want to know it all. with this. i am making myself too vulnerable. i no longer know what i am doing.

maybe, this is just a part of how i am trying to find myself. my own identity. my own definition. or maybe, i am just too frustrated with my life.

what made me contemplate on this was, last night, i went out with the girls and a gay. then, i learned... i wonder what made them stop. and i wonder how come the stopped. i also wonder why they stopped. two things: too much pain and suffering. or arising problems with foreseen unpleasant outcome.
then suddenly i was scared of whatever was it. should i go through, whatever they had experienced, for me to stop? or- should i continue? i am,i know, capable of enduring too much pain. pretty easy, just imagine that you are the numbest person in this world, freeze, then create an illusion, that you are the best ever. next- i never really cared about the future: whatever foreseen maybe disregarded. i don't know if you notice that i am too confident of who i am.

i remember her saying that if she was that selfish, she would have committed suicide. here's the thing, right now, i feel most loved by everyone around me.

it really is easy to say stop if i was not that depressed. how come this things give the best comforts to people who are not happy? i do not know why i am happy now. and it is actually one of the reasons why i want to stop. because, it may not have been for myself. but things are falling into pieces. although i must say: it gave me everything i needed before. but you see, it is killing me. and before it succeeds. before it destroys everything in me. i must stop right?


or... i must be fooling myself. i can't stop- won't stop. or not. foolish.

FOR YOU

one thing. when he died. i cannot describe what i have felt that time. all i know was that. i was at that point of desperation mixed up with sadness. everything was overwhelming. before the end came. i knew he looked at me. i knew he looked at me. i knew he was looking at me. so i smiled. mr. noel Parinas once told us that death is a good thing, what makes you not want to go is those attachments that you would leave behind.

death is a very good thing. maybe you would never read this because you are now starting to open your eyes towards the wrong sides of the world. you start to drink, smoke andi would not know the other things that you do at the moment. why am i telling you this. life depends of how you choose perspectives. and right now, you have everything you laid up in front of you. just don't waste your time on silly things.

although i truly am sorry for my ways. for it is not easy to tell you that you should be good. i am sorry for hurting you. i just want you to learn from me. and i would rather take the role of being the most hated sister in the world if in return you would be able to see that you are luckier than me. than anyone else. and really i love you so much but why are you like that?

two things
my heart is still so sad. and i cannot make him see the importance of everything we have at the moment because maybe pain is not yet there. . and though i know that i have hurt him with my foolishness and failed everybody. but then if only i can show them what i have see. still i know that they won't believe.

it caused pain in my eyes, in my heart that i have tried to grip on air. i have opened a door in my life and i am just so sad that. im so sorry my dear if this is my way of showing you what life is. you have to learn my dear. i know that i was never that person. but i was hoping that you become that person you know.

CIRCON BUSINESS MAN'S INN: what happened in Palawan, stays in Palawan

when you have to fake a smile
and you are no fake, how do you do it?
when you have to walk the walk and talk the talk- would you do it.
then you have to be nearly naked. in front of everybody and the lights come from the flashes of numerous cameras.

who wouldn't like it when you're like the center of the universe? even in just a moment. but would you give in? if in the condition that you become a subject, a specimen, a mere object of lust (duh- im beautiful) and entertainment- would you?

i won't. don't expect me to satisfy you whims. because i don't like all of you.
bacause you can't repay this. whatever you do.

THE FUN PART: i know there's someone out there for me. and t(he)y'll stay there whatever happens. even if i won't walk the walk; or talk the talk.

so there was that bitch girl under the category CHEAP. so do not expect me to compete with her. them. since your eyes can't deceive you. and facts are facts.

then there was those sandals that dreaded me. i don't walk those things. but i did.

THE OTHER THING:

when the sun rises. majestic and breath taking. but you cannot savor it forever because it sets too. and then you'd meet all the people. and you'll learn to love them. but you are too afraid that either you or him would leave. you don't completely understand yourself. because you ask why sunrise or sunset no longer matter. why is it that life itself is already satisfying. and there's no more need to spice things up with drama when everything is already sweet.

then you'd remember the line- too good to be true. then you'd doubt things and you'd back off. but you won't go. you'd stay because you want to. then like those fireworks a million "what ifs" booms in the sky. right in front of you, as if taunting you. because it knows that you actually doubt yourself. and even if you say you would want to believe, you know that you're not yet starting to believe. you know that you just say it. you know that you are lying when you said you did not really like it. and you were not serious about it and you just let things be. you know that since then you have already drowned in this thing. and you know its worth drowning again but you won't do it. because you do not believe in happy endings because you watched a lot of drama movies in your life. but you also know that it can end happily but again you know that things would always go wrong.

you wanted to cry so hard right? yes. you would cry for this. you would wait. you would. wouldn't you? and even if they doubt and even if ... you would believe in it. you ask. you are too scared of falling. because you read in some book that its not really that aftermath of the fall. when you're already broken. no. that's not it. it is when you are helplessly flailing your arms. grabbing the air to save you. but what if he would reach out his hand? you know that there is a possibility that he would and you know that ... but what if.

i do not know what is wrong with you. i do not understand why you want so much assurances to prove these things. look at yourself. you just know that you're good and you just know that. you are the most selfish living being in this planet because of your super high self-esteem and pride. you try to banish your flaws but you know they won't go. and they'll stay. just enjoy the moment babe. because this thing is not over yet. worry when it does

ABOUT ME

I'll talk about myself since i like talking about myself:

i have simple pleasures in life. i take happiness from simple things. i try to see what others cannot comprehend. i can say that my life is not complicated but i do things to complicate it. one thing: just stay put and do not step on others.

i have particular impulses that sometimes put me offtrack. but everybody has them. well, i do have dreams and even if i can't fulfill them all its OK. everything happens for a reason. and even if things go wrong and I've fallen. i know that i would always stand up. no matter what. we are not rocks that has to be pushed to mover- my grandmother once said, not to me, but to my mom. i love my mom. and i love her more than anything else. again i am so sorry for some...

i can say that i am a self-centered person, but I'm not. i do not leave people because i have felt how it was to be left. something that haunts me until now. and me clinging to some people might label me as a user but I'm not. people stayed because they want to. i would have survived on my own all the while. but i cannot allow myself to create another world on my own. see, if something threatens to ruin me i eliminate it. i want to become a better person and this is just a part of the process.

another thing, i am not aspiring to be like everybody else. i want to be a highlight. and all that. i want to do everything that comes into my mind but i seldom try to finish it. but i do try.

when it comes to relationships, I'll say it again. i do not leave people. sometimes people leave, i just let them be. but they won't leave me again for the second time. and they'll regret doing that. sometimes i regret too that they left. but all the while- if they ruin me- go. i know i have people who'll stay, they are called friends. and this guy, say now i can say he's great and all that.

right now, i am really obsessed with lily Allen's smile music video. so great.

BWARKING

i would like to laugh so hard until everything of me comes out, then I'd die. you know you love me- said Gossip girl, whose life is just about prying on other people's lives like everything is just another gossip. oh well, i care less about her, since when i tried to grab some quotable quotes in her show, i failed. i cannot forget the line "be careful what you fish for." what the?

talk about living the most boring life ever: i tried wanting to be suicidal- due to boredom and feeling of uselessness and all that. at present i really am trying so hard to be anorexic then i just realized that i am- i have skipped meals in a day, with just caffeine and nicotine in my system to keep me going. then with straight overnights- hola! i do not think i have been thinner. just weaker. more susceptible to outside jerks. i do not like this. so I'll end it. now. i have been eating a lot and i hate it. really but i have to let go because this anorexic drama is killing my self-esteem. or that i still look up to myself and i just can't put my mind to thinking that i am so unloved because i know i am. what the.

this drama ends now- I'll eat and eat. sometimes i want to blame something for this. i know a lot of girls out there wants to be ... whatta- this ends . now.

well, now i just want to read, and all that.

LAST night, the dogs howled. and silence. i gripped on something hard. i hate reality. that's why i love Neil gaiman.

PS: i notice everything, i just do not know. but something is fishy out there. and when i say fishy- specifically. well, can't talk now.

THE CURSE ON A FULL MOON

so they cannot stay in one place. they must not be seen together. because same poles repel: that is one fact that cannot be questioned no matter how questionable it is. and that is the way matters are and no matter how one can believe that life is under control they just can't face the facts, because facts- are facts.

should that be stated. because i must not underestimate the intellectual capacity of a reader- if someone even dare read my thoughts in a blog that i will keep hidden and shall i succumb to the most idealistic (my own idealism) way of thinking. then what shall become of me, if i stay here in my stupid really ( that's what they call it) whatever. in my world, i rule. and that's a fact. just that. question? no, not allowed.

yesterday, i watched this play called " curse on a full moon". and "coin operated boy" was the soundtrack. and they were using an ancient player as their sound system. what the- we just can't stop noticing a Mcdo pin behind an actress and they did not even have a broom and a card for props. sorry, this is just the worst play ever. i wish somebody would just tell them that their play was uhm- that. i wish i would be the one to tell them. but that would be.

another one: do you notice how some vain idiots pose? they way they would take their picture from a top perspective and pout their lips and do that expression with their eyes? haha- i do that sometimes. my friends to. thing is it just does not look good for other people. what the- its another way of saying that they are ugly. I'm sorry.

so i was just done with Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere- damn, the guy was so HOT. his book is talking. he just made me realize that i am a fantasy genre reader. believe that. gosh... im still reading some of his books that are available in this (god-forsaken) place

PEELING OFF THE ONION

i wonder why should we even dare to live a great life, find meaning... be happy... blah blah- in the end, we all die right?

i also wonder why we should satisfy worldly desires as if it is the air that we breathe. above all, i hate the idea of living at all.

i know there are some people who tried to push this kind of thought away from me. they successfully did it. but there are also those who tore me apart to the point of wanting to escape sanity. and one of them is you "sister", and lolo's death, and my mom. you all ripped me off from everything. well, i know life is no twilight or Jane austen. what the- i wonder why you should even do this to me. i am capable of being hurt too you know. i know you feel pain too. i do not care, i love myself above all.

recently, when that fight was over, which was not really cleared up. so what do you want. you can tell me how pathetic i was before. i understand that you have forgotten that i am capable of feeling pain too. i am so tired of this. shoot me with your words- you can never kill me. i know that this is past done- but i would not recover. maybe i still hate you. i just still love myself.

guess what. my life is starting to begin. and although i nearly ended it- you never did care, you were never there. now. i am gathering what has been left. i gave you most of my life. i am sorry i can no longer give more.

i wish you see me now. everything starting to change. like sunrise, like conception. like every word pertaining to beginnings. i cannot describe the kind of happiness enveloping me right now. and though it pains me that i cannot share it with you- even if i really want to. i am so sorry, if this is goodbye.

"I'LL Always come out beautifully"

THE MEANING OF PARTY

the last time i went to party with my friends, we met this guy, who was the most vain being i have ever met. why? he showed me pictures of himself while his group was on the road, in a party- everything was his face and i was kicking Ferdie's feet under the table- please tell the management to ban narcissus' fanatics here. when a chance to flee showed up, i snatched it up and whooo! let's just dance vain boy!

in the dance floor, kypler, ferdie and i unleashed ourselves to what we call- dancing. i was thinking, people think partying is done by party people. party people are those who do nothing in life and would be nothing in life- I'm sorry, i use to say that.

out there, the music was like the wind-we allow ourselves to be blown away by the beat. we scorn slow dancing/ slow music. we want party songs- the ones that go dum dum di dum dum dum di dum dum (rihanna?) we want the most recent music sung by "party" singers. never mind the lyrics, the heat- never mind anything. just dance.

in the end of every song, something sweeps us- sadness maybe, or just the feeling we-want-more... it happens every time. and just like anything.

MUSIC

the first time i heard music, and intently listened to it was when my mom and dad were fighting, and my sister on the background silently sobbing in the corner. i do not know why my face was wet with tears that time. maybe they did an obligatory fall.

then everything seem to be in harmony: breaking sounds, banging doors, screaming, crying, and the most solemn of all- the gliding tears. i froze in one spot to witness the majestic scene in my life passing in front of me. slowly, i blended everything into one masterpiece- music. slowly, i cringed. slowly, i knelt down, i bent my head- to pay respect to what i call my life. a life i have to live- in harmony with all the other elements of existence. and i was successful with it. or not, who knows?

sometimes, i think life sucks because the one i live is not the same as others. most of the time i find someone to blame, despite the absence of connection in the circles i have forced to draw perfectly. in the end, i am left bitter and sad in one corner of my room. i embrace myself in this bitterness and sulk.

"you don't belong in this world, or the world does not belong to you?"

i remember perfectly when the music stopped. i wiped my tears dry. i stood up. i breathed deeply- in and out. then i carve a smile in my face. suddenly, everything was like seeing the rising sun after a stormy night.

poetry

Kay Ryan on poetry

"My theory is a poem should set you free -- reading a real poem should leave you feeling less tired and more exquisitely yourself. Aerated. You've been speeded up and perhaps somewhat dispersed, your bits enjoying more distance from each other than they had previously."


i always thought that poems should be written selfishly. this is the piece of literature where we pour our emotions and leave them be. its the part where our emotions radiate to a reader. forcing them to feel extreme emotions, be it happiness, sadness or madness. i always thought that it is a piece of entertainment- for those lazy readers.

maybe i was wrong. because that definition of poetry is long damned. i think i have abused it. in a way when i just run to it when i am morose. and i no longer write when there's nothing more. maybe, it is the way that i curse it- because i tend to absorb everything. then i have to blame it.

PROCESS AND PHOTOGRAPHY by Laurice

*photo by laurice

"i feel like a leaf blown by the wind
but i fear the rain, soon to smash me"

I'll talk about "the" process. my great aunt once told me, that everything undergoes a process. its like when you decide to change your life, you cannot change right away. if you decide to: you might fail. being a human, everything should be done gradually- the process.

kypler, my very dear friend might be able to explain the "process" happening to me right now. that is because i tell him everything- laura too, and i know when i tell laura it would reach kharissa too. so that's the cycle of everything.


i know that i am quick at my decisions. i know i think fast. i never wanted to die old. that's why I'm doing everything now. however, i am happy that at some point i am starting to change. i feel "the process" taking place now. i know i am still in step one. or not- i cannot fully explain everything, you see. all i know is that everything is falling into its place.


* my days do not really follow a certain routine, unlike some. my life too. i don't plan anymore since my life was shattered when i took up nursing. but now im back on the track. this morning, i ate, right after i gurgled and all. i eat too much now. (i want to think that way). and sometimes i wonder- why should i be an anorexic? why should i be thin? well, that is because that is how the society defines beautiful. and i want to be that. who doesn't?


at some point i again contradicted myself. other people should not define me! (what the-). it is great to think like this. in the end, we all come to one place, being human. we are all interconnected to each other, though we deny sometimes. as for me, i am being human: i search meaning, i live, i enjoy everything and learn. who knows if i'll leave a mark in history or a vampire will make me immortal?


*all the photos in this post is by laurice: she's great right?