To Block or not to Block

Let me talk about how I feel.
First, it was disbelief. There are so many idioms to describe how you dropped me just like that. You tell me how bad I treat you. With all that is happening right now, I will choose not to hate you. I hope you are happy.

Second, Anger and Depression. These emotions attack me interchangeably. I wonder why my thoughts go to you during this time. It does not mean I want you back but losing you was a total change of direction of all my plans. So many good things happened to me during the transition. From an outside perspective the good things outweigh the hurt but sometimes the hurt is overwhelming.

Third, acceptance. I know you no longer love me and I cannot force it on you to love me back. If I can talk to you I want to thank you. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for letting me go. Our relationship was toxic and we tried. Or maybe you are just one giant ass of a fuck boy who cheats their way out of a relationship. Let us just say I have an attitude problem to not bother explaining to the world why you have to cancel a wedding that I prepared for months. But seriously thank you for letting me avoid the biggest mistake of my life. You are a weak piece of shit that had to go away. I have a right to be angry right?

They say forgiveness is an ideal gift to those who hurt you. I forgave you already.

How to Understand Your Role During Quarantine

I watched a Ted Talk where the speaker explained that love gives additional energy to a person to do things not normally done for the significant other. The same thing goes with being heartbroken. I agree because he took the listener down the memory lane to remember the euphoria of being in love and the gut-wrenching feeling of being heartbroken. Indeed, there is that surge of energy that can drive one beyond physical capacity. 

As an experiment, I opted to feel being heartbroken again since I am not in love with anybody right now. I listened to sad songs of failed love, which is one that I can relate to. I sent myself back to the state of being a frustrated bride whom he left for another girl. All the shame and the disbelief came back in a flood while Lady Gaga sings "Never Love Again." I cried wetting my shirt and a lot of tissue. After five minutes, I assessed myself for that surge of energy. There was nothing but the absence of the will to live. My head felt heavy, my eyes are hot and I was sleepy. 

I am doing this to drive myself back to the rush of life I was having before this quarantine. You see, I have a business and I am a law student. Aside from studies, I pride myself to providing livelihood to so many families. The local industry affects so many lives from suppliers of the raw materials, weavers, sewers, other traders and shippers. In effect, when the local industry is running well, children go to school, rents are paid, mothers can stay at home to work and take care of the children at the same time. In short, there is food to eat. I prided myself to being one of those in the front lines of this industry. It is my goal to promote our products for my suppliers.

 This source of pride was taken from me when I was forced to stay at home and observe quarantine. I lost sense of direction because it feels like eternity. It caused a wave of mood swings as I battled with myself to stay put. They told us to review but my mind is revolting. With all this war in my head, I still know that I have to vomit the drama and do what I can do. 

I talked to a lot of people. Some kept themselves busy by performing domesticated chores. In the internet, some cooked and made fancy drinks. I tried watching motivation videos in youtube and still read notes since I am still a student. I dug in my mind the question why I am feeling this way. I know I can do something but I do not have that drive. 

In the end, a movie gave the answer: Official Secrets starred by Keira Knightly. I learned that love to and from a person is not enough to change the world. It must be the stern compassion to humanity and to what is right. These are trying times indeed. It was petty to think that failed relationships can zap me back to where I stopped. It was not enough to make me understand what I can do right now. It gave me a drive to knowing that something worthwhile can be done right now which can be a great contribution in the future. 

To each his own. This usually applies to opinions but I think every person now is contributing. Life on earth is not so bad.