Episodes: On Emotional Breakdowns

A lot of things have been happening lately. Rather, I guess my problems are just coming like unwelcome guests. I just have to entertain them. In the past days, I want to close all the doors and windows, turn off the lights and wish that nobody knew of my existence so that I can disappear for a while. I want to be like the animals who hibernate or like the snake who will sheds off with a new skin. For human beings, this is not the case. For adults, you just cannot stop with all the daily living expenses that drips by the second. What should I do now?

I was at a trance in the past days. Lost and defeated in my mind while everyone seems to be climbing up the ladder of victory and success. It was a quicksand that was slowly eating me up. I am so tempted to breakdown. I have to pay this. My ex seems so happy to have found the love of his life. Everyone seems to have found their own soulmates. It was consuming my thoughts. Thank goodness for all the external factors in my life. These are friends and family who bug me to meet them. These are people who I am obliged to talk to. These are things I just have to do even if one task takes hours. Let me include the gym membership that I enrolled in just because I feel like it at that time. This episode lasted for a week.

Right now, I feel fine. I realized it was just a phase. It was a chapter I have to read. It was a song I cannot skip because I am not in spotify premium. This day, I feel like I can do everything. I am ready. 

From this, I learned that depression is real. But I hope the others will try to endure. I hope they will keep on moving. I hope everyone who feels depression will know that it is just a phase. That sadness will not last forever. Just endure. Gather all your strength and courage with the maximum effort. 

Camp Sawi - Another Movie for the Heartbroken

Women make men their world. Everything will revolve around a man. This includes all future plans, present plans and all the time in the days of their lives. And then they leave. Devastation, confusion and self-doubt will sink in. Self pity is the word. 

I have been through this once and now I just had the second heartbreak. In my first heartbreak, I think I am one of those girls who went to Camp Sawi. Today, I feel like I am an expert on the matter. You see, upon learning the facts you have two options: first, to cry and; second,to divert that energy into something productive. In my past posts, I have been discussing how I am doing this. 

The real questions in a heartbreak are- why are you crying because someone left you? (you are mean) Haven't you seen the signs? (No it came as a shock) Did you turn a blind eye on all the things that tell you he does not love you anymore? (I guess) What just happened? (women happened) Is something wrong with you? Can't you work it out? (No you cannot)

Overwhelming questions that has no plausible answers. I tried digging for answers but I failed. To this day, I realized maybe there are just no answers to questions why a love can end. It just happens. They just stop. 

What to do? 

Look within yourself. Why are you hurt? It is because you are not strong enough. Nobody will help you but you alone. So wipe your tears, stand up and smile. You go find something better to do than crying your eyes out. You will feel more pain by dwelling in the pain. Find an activity where your energy for crying can be released. Camp Sawi is a great place to do yoga, run, and learn how to bake. However, it is fictional so I guess you find a place where you can do those!  

If you read this in entirety I want to hug you and push you off the cliff. Strength comes from within so go and spread your wings. 

Rainbow's Sunset: A Review

When one's life is coming to an end, a review is being done. All achievements, all legacies and most importantly, all the love given and taken. All relationships will be reunited. Memories will be told. Everything that can be taken will be organized and packed. 

In the story of Ramon, it is spending time with those who matter, seeking for forgiveness and saying " I love you." Saying you love another can be in so many forms. It can be in words or actions. In a family set up it is all about presence- physical or not. It is understanding another regardless of your stand in life. It is giving time for wounds to heal. It is something constant that no one can take it away. 

This is a movie that is almost painful to watch. It contains so many realities too awkward to address, like Pandora's box. Questions avoided will soon knock for answers, even at the end of one's life. It took courage for a family to face it. Whatever happened, love prevailed. 

In this movie, I learned that problems will be there. It will never be avoided. Pain will come with it, in an inevitable and debilitating manner. However, it is not a reason to stop. You cannot stop to lick your wounds. You just have to get a band aid, cover the wound and endure the process. I am not there yet, but in the movie, they all came out with a bigger understanding in life. So I guess, I will be okay.  

What to Do Next?

I keep on writing to survive this heartbreak. There are so many questions. And yet, the answers are obvious. Some of us think of never giving up. I am at a crossroad. All I know is that he hates me already and he is so cold even when I was there. And some of us think of doing everything to get him back. How will I untangle him from the arms of another? Can’t he just find his way back to me?

He found peace. And that was without me in it. I am the war in his world. Some of us think I did less. Maybe I realized I have a problems. He is right. I do not deserve him. He does not love me anymore.

In one of the episodes of Sex and the City, Carrie said something about when is enough enough? Was it a masochistic characteristic to endure pain and fight for love when the other party obviously does not want you already? In another episode, she said something about always choosing the wrong kind of men. I contemplated on how the characters were and obviously I am not Carrie. I am Miranda. If the cog will not fit in the peg, it will never go inside. Life is simpler that way.

Relationships does not work like contracts. In a relationship, one of the parties can just stop loving and you cannot force him or her to love again or just requite the love given. In a contract, you can enforce your right based on the agreement, verbal or non-verbal. Thus, you cannot tell another person to love you still because he said he will love you forever. This is just one of the things that cannot be dictated by any force of nature. It just happens. This is a simple concept that is very difficult to accept. But in all aspects of life: acceptance is the key.

Stop the Hate

I want to be silent but they keep on asking me- why we broke up? what about the wedding? Is there a wedding? What happened? What did you do? It was so difficult but I tried to reason out for him. This is all my fault. See, in an effort to avoid my family and friends from hating him, I said this. It came to a point that I stopped explaining. I do not owe anyone an explanation. I am doing great and I am happy for him. I love him so much that as long as he is happy I am happy. This is how I will love from a distance. Besides, I am loving this time for myself. 

Do Not Drink Alcohol

In my younger years, alcohol is my go to comfort zone. I realize now it was not. If you are reading this and you are heartbroken too, I suggest you go to a gym and express all the pain there. It is so euphoric, I felt the worst body pain. It can override a heartbreak. A gym can offer a lot of things- kickboxing, a lot of classes and weights, among other things. You can choose anything that will make you express all the pent up energy when you just want to burst into crying. I do a lot of spinning classes and it is so addictive. I got bored at some point so that was when I included some pilates, zumba and I am planning to do some yoga if I want to lay low. 

What I learned from working out?

1. When you can lift it, you can lift anything in life. There are a lot of physically challenging activities. I was so proud of myself hurdling one after another. Though I know there are a lot more. 
2. Self Love. The best version of your physical self and what's more? It affects emotional and mental health too. For once, stop asking love from other people, give it all to yourself. 
3. Having people around will make you feel that you are not alone. In a gym, people mind their own business but you are all present doing the same thing. 

What is Authentic Happiness?

After watching a bunch of TED talks, I keep on hearing the word authentic. The speakers always made it a point to emphasize that authentic has a personal definition. In authentic happiness, it is your own version of happiness. I do not understand this. Does this mean that if I find it I will always have it? Does it mean constant bliss? Of course not.

Since we broke up, I keep on thinking about this. I submerged myself in materializing this idea like making it a case study so that I will not sink in an emotional quicksand. It is my fault. I became paranoid and jealous. Now, I ask myself why? If I am going to submerge myself in the quicksand then it will appear that he is my authentic happiness. I am so tempted to submerge myself. 

 Note: an edited continuation.

After days of thinking about it. It is my conclusion that authentic happiness will emerge only from our own efforts. You do not seek it or learn it. You acknowledge it within. I am happy. I have everything I need in my life right now. I can get everything I want. I can be anything I want. My happiness cannot be based on whether someone loves me or not.  That is it. Love is not something I can force out from another person. If it is gone, it will never go back. Thus, this gives you a chance to see those who truly love you. He is God, who gave you family and friends who will eternally love you no matter what. Besides that is not a person's purpose in life. 

Let us all try to save this world from ourselves for the next generations. Let us all dream for a better world where the devil can only linger to try to tempt us but we will refuse sternly just like Jesus did during his forty day fasting. Let us all live everyday like it is our last. Let us all continue to show love to everyone around us. The world is a wonderful place where the good and the bad are in constant war and we decide who wins. 

Trouble of Achieving Healthy Lifestyle.

Fasting

It usually sounds like deprivation. However, if you try to dig deeper it actually means suppressing your physical needs to achieve a higher level of spiritual and mental aspects of your being. Out of curiosity, I tried a seven-day fast for spiritual reasons. Jesus fasted for forty days and forty nights and still managed to refuse the devil’s temptation. I will not go that far. It will only be seven days. I always reminded myself of the reasons I am doing this so that I will not go off track. 

Reasons

The WHY question is important. As for me, undergoing an emotional turmoil, I need divine guidance. As time passed by, it was difficult. When hunger strikes, everything becomes irrelevant except my dire need for food. But I asked myself why I am doing this. It became a diversion from thoughts of hunger. Several realizations came flooding in as I submerged my thoughts to the real issues: why he left me?  what have I done wrong? what will I do? There are so many things and it was so enlightening. I realized that I have a big ego. It was the thing that destroyed us. There is this self-entitlement tattooed on my mind that I deserved something. Something I do not yet know. This is what I got from drinking just juice and water for seven days. 

Exercise 

I am so in love with this right now. It is so effective to release all the sadness, anger, frustrations and all negative thoughts. It is a form of self-love because you are doing this for yourself. No pain no gain. The body pains are so addictive. I longed for it because I do not want to cry and think of the fact that he is gone. I do not know if not thinking about it is healthy but I just have to live one day at a time. Right now, I feel a sense of relief whenever I notice improvements in my body. I become happy for me and that is all that matters. 

Eating Right

When I was starting, I became so frustrated when results are not showing themselves. I have been exercising in a week and my legs are still fat, my tummy is still bulging and my arms are still flabby. It was a wake-up call. I recall the phrase you are what you eat. So I started preparing my food. No rice but still eating so many plates of fruits and vegetables. I feel so grateful to all food bloggers, vegans, dietitians, fitness experts and other health enthusiasts in pinterest and youtube. 

How to Develop a Skill

Find a Reason

These days, I catch myself staring into blank spaces more frequently. Like I am so tempted to give in and dive into a depressed state. This is when I decided to make a meal plan.

1. List all the days of the week and allocate a space for breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. 

2. Think of a menu for all those meals. Be realistic. You cannot make cordon bleu yet. 

3. Estimate the equivalent amount to be bought from the market. 

TIP: Relax. Do not pressure yourself to perfection. Enjoy the process.

So while a lot of things are thought by an over thinker. I decided not to be defeated. Divert your thoughts to thinking about balanced diet. You see, going through the life changing event towards vegetarianism is not easy. You have to think about protein sources. You have to feel guilty if you had fish and rice for dinner. 

Act or Start Moving

Armed with a grocery list and lots of reusable bags you will march to your destination. At this point it felt so therapeutic. I was walking around with many people who are also rushing while being cautious at their purchases. When you feel down, go out and walk around. You will recognize that this world is sustaining many lives. You are not alone. Everyone is also struggling. 

Celebrate

Always pat yourself on the back for any accomplishment. You deserve it. 

Pain and Pleasure

It is my birthday. This day, my mother nearly gave up her life for me. Until now, this is all I can think of if I am down. I know I am loved. You see, when life sucks you so bad and you just do not know what to do, you look for a bright side. He always said I am extreme in positive thinking. Well, I will always be. This time, looking for a bright side is so difficult. I am only seeing a closed door in my face. The end of a pathway and there is no other way to go. So I am thinking WHERE TO LOOK FOR A BRIGHT SIDE?

I already did everything:

1. Avoid social media because my stalker mode is always on

2. Delete all social media related apps 

3. Stopped rereading messages when he was still sweet and inlove with me. 

4. Engaged in physical activity to exhaust the body so that the mind will sleep. 

5. Avoid meeting people. 

6. Write about it. 

The bright side. God is the bright side. The gift of life is a bright side. I will get through this. To my heart, while I breath I hope.

The key to acceptance is going through the process. But how will I do it?  First, I can fight for it. In the book the Lightness of Being, Marie-Claude said love is a battle. I ponder, should I fight this battle too? Even if I know there is a great percentage for defeat. But I have always romanticized the idea of love and forever-together. I can. But what if he is happier now? What if he is better of without me? What if he already has his peace of mind? See, I have more what ifs. I am holding on because he said he loved me and he told me we can be together forever. On the other hand, I also know people can change their mind. And you cannot hold on to their past statements.

In conclusion, I can only write about it. I have no idea about bright sides. I can only cry for a few minutes. 

Lion King: A Review

It was a glimpse of the past. If you have childhood memories watching this movie repeatedly go watch it the nth time around. All I can say is I was sent back to sitting down with my brother to watch this movie when we were children. The movie is still captivating. 

How to Lick Your Wounds

Like a whimpering dog, people sprint to a safe zone after being hurt. Initially, I locked myself in a room and thought about going to my favorite bar. And the good side of my snapped back phrasing the famous line : I'm too old for this. I tried to think about it. Blaming is good. Defensive reasoning is preferred and also just thinking that nobody will understand so I have to go out and explain it to everyone came to my mind. But then I realize that I am so tired. Even if a part of my life is breaking down, I cannot just stop and deal with it because there are other parts of my life. Everything will crash down if I did. Wrong timing that is what this is. 

In my recent addiction to watching TED talks, I learned that it is all in the brain. My brain is the culprit of my suffering after all. However, no matter how much I make my situation a scientific one and that there is a rational reasoning as to why this is happening I cannot deny that I am in so much pain. So I will write about it. 

I will deal with this by healing myself. How? I will take baby steps. 

First: Healthy Lifestyle

I have been exercising for a few days and I am so frustrated. Fats take time to disappear. I cannot believe this. I am a fast eater so why can't they be gone in the same speed? So I decided to change diet. Pick Up Limes, another favorite youtube channel emphasized on the ineffectiveness of following a diet for weight loss. It should be all about developing a healthy lifestyle. To comply, I first took out pork and then followed by other kinds of animal meat. In order to support my protein needs, tofu and beans are mana from heaven for this problem. 

Second: Develop a Skill or a Long-Desired Habit

In my family, I am labeled as the laziest. My room is always messy- bed undone, clothes scattered and books in all places. I will start with always making my bed from now on. The others will follow. 

The other thing is learning a skill. Because I am an adrenaline seeker these days, I will go for cooking and making my own food. So according to Pick Up Limes, this will help me save more money for travel. 

Third: Declutter

PUL said there should be no attachment to material things. Joshua Millburn said in his TED talk said memories are inside us not inside a box. Like healing physical wounds, it has to be cleaned first. In emotional pain, I thought maybe I need to do this. As painful as it may seem, I have to let go of my books. They are my most treasured hoarded stuff in the house. Its true, I will never read them again. So I guess I have to add value to their existence by giving them away. I will think of other things to let go after this. 

This journey has just been started. I will take a leap of faith here, face the odds and start over. I will die and live anew. I will go away and start over. I will focus on myself. 

How to Love Yourself?

The Why

This bugged me for a while now. Because I am currently experiencing an extreme emotional breakdown, I decided save myself. No one else will do it. No matter how hard I tried to force other people to solve my problems all they can do is listen and be there. I am alone in this. In the first place, I caused this.

I knew I have two options. First, I can wallow in grief. There are many bars where I can swim in alcohol, or I can buy all the tissues in the world to wipe away my tears. Second, I can appreciate this time by focusing on myself, looking within me and reflecting on all my faults. i opted for the second option. See, its easy to say it but the question is always HOW?

Having no background in the science behind heartbreaks, I watched youtube videos. TED talks, meditation, yoga, vegan lifestyle and fitness videos were my go to videos. Based on the number of videos I watched, I can now say it is all about self-love. Self-love is the antidote. Antidote because I am the poison. Who told me that he has the responsibility to make me feel better? Who told me that he will always be there even if I treated him badly? Who told me to make him an emotional punching bag just because I do not feel good about myself? Who told me that in a relationship you have ownership rights towards another person? I will answer my own question. Nobody.

I know I may have let go of the most amazing man ever. Commendable because he lasted for years. So what will I do? I realized he was right. I may really be a damaged person who is always looking outward rather than inward. Or that I have to love myself. It was just impossible to burden another person with this.

I searched and searched for how to love yourself. Everyone has this vague definition related to peace of mind. I just learned about the basic. It is to take care of yourself. Noone will do that but you.

The How

1. Take care of your physical health. Start with exercising and aiming to be the best version of yourself.
2. Listen to motivational videos because it makes you realize that you have one life to live so go fight battles.
3. Strengthen your spirituality. Listen to songs and lectures. By acknowledging that there is a higher power in this world, there is nothing bigger than Him.
4. Develop healthy habits. Declutter your life or try to become a minimalist.
5. Meditate. When you take time to stop and reflect on the things around you, you become more aware of everything. Your problems are just a part of this existence. Count your blessings.

How I Do it? 

I try to wake up as early as 4 am. Someone said being early means you have that excitement towards the new day. Initially, I just did this to avoid conversations with my housemates. Now, I just want the feeling of victory, I got up early.
Upon waking up I listen to motivational videos while making myself some tea and drinking it all up. After that, I watch fitness videos like exercise or yoga. This part I feel most challenged because it was decades since I did anything physical.

A lot of my loved ones are concerned if I am okay. I usually tell them what I do so that nobody gets worried. Whenever I am bursting into tears I stand and exercise until my face is red and dripping with sweat. It is so effective I became so addicted to the muscle pain. However, it came to a point where it is no longer as effective as it was before. I guess I have to acknowledge my sadness. I tried registering in an online counseling but it was expensive. So I decided to blog about it. This is my journey to self-love and living life with no expectations.

To God be All the Glory!

Today, I am very sad. I just saw a picture that says it all. It was like a summary of a very long speech and the point of view is read with just a glance. No matter how hard I try to flip it, reality is staring at my face. You are no longer mine. 

It was my fault. I drove away a great man. I hope she treats you better than I did. Though I cannot say it now, I know that I am so happy for you. I rest my case fighting for us. Someone already came to take my throne. It is so painful but I guess I just failed.

I was going to promise you so many things. It was supposed to be a lifetime of struggles and victories. Us, together, we were to face all the odds. 

These past months, my thoughts were on working on myself and how to be better for you. I did not realize how late it is for me. Like all aspects in my life, I am always late. Right now, I do not know how to react or what to do. I cannot even sleep. My mind is so awake. She is so pretty. You did it right. Remember? I told you before that if you replace she should be more beautiful. Well, she is. She looks like a happier person though. Unlike me. 

I do not wish to delve into self pity knowing you no longer love me. Its just that I do not know what to do next. But I am figuring it all out. You see, I quit planning so many things in my life. There was a wedding, where to live, how to finish school and how to raise children. It is all gone now. At first, I was so lost. But I cannot blame anyone. This is all on me. 

How to Deal with Life Crisis

First, you read all about it and not understand. It is not the place you are in right now. Second, you become the happiest person in the world because he tells you he wants to get married. The euphoria is just overwhelming. The mixed emotions are flooding in and you start reprogramming your life. Third, he decides to stop loving and ends it all. You step back, cry a lot and think.

In any problem, the first question you ask yourself is why. Why must you solve this math problem? You answer yourself with the fact that one piece of the jigsaw puzzle is so valuable to get a college degree. Sometimes, answers do not come out easily but deep inside you know it. It is just the simple fact that in life s*** happens. You can choose to say you do not know or you put the blame on yourself. You can also place the blame on someone else or the circumstances of this world. After five minutes, you move on to the next question. Consider the test-taking strategy, do not spend too much time on just one question.

The next question is WHAT. What happens now? We have told everyone already and now this. I still keep on lying about it. Denial is the key to keep yourself sane when reality keeps on pounding you. He already blocked you in every single account and you cannot even call his phone. You laugh at yourself because you remember being in the same s***hole years ago. Think now. The answer to the question is just deal with it.

HOW?
1. You write about it.
2. Think of a plan. - how to cancel a wedding? how to change the life plan from motherhood to world traveler?
3. Heal yourself from all the wounds caused by this detachment. Start with making yourself beautiful by eating all the food you can and imagine that by some miracle he will regret leaving you when he sees you again in a drop-dead gorgeous body.
4. Remember that you are not the richest person in the world. You do not have the license to lock yourself in a room and cry a river for so long. Get up and divert your attention. Some people do not have food to eat and you have a lot.
5. The most effective I have tried so far. Play RPG games. This things are proven effective to make you think that you are in control of something. However, take certain precaution as they are addictive.

WHEN?
Start now. You do not have forever to waste time on a just a piece of the pie.

WHERE?
The place where you are standing.

...
In reality, I am actually just on auto-mode. It is so difficult. I just carry on by consistently reminding myself that I am so blessed. Reading the Bible, and listening to some lectures help a lot. There was this line someone said, you cannot base your happiness on whether someone loves you or not. A pastor also lectured, knowing that there is a God with an unconditional love for you is enough. Someone else's lost affection is already irrelevant. Praise the Lord!

A Horror Story

There were ghosts last night. They were voices of screaming children. At first, I thought there was a real-life telenovela drama going on outside the house. There was running, two children screaming and the sound of a wall being pounded. It lasted for so long that I decided to go outside to watch but there was nothing. It was like the commotion was all in my head because the voices seem to go farther. I went back to my room and the voices were back. So I decided to play some Christian songs on my phone to drive them away. I have so many issues right now, I just cannot deal with being scared. 

On Wedding Plans and Preparing for Forever

At first, there was a surging force of euphoria vibrating all around me. The thought of planning for something colorful is just exciting. All the wedding scenes from real life and movies came in like a flood, my creative juices are overflowing. Then I realized I have to organize my thoughts or I will become crazy. I need help. 

The first step was to read all about it. There are so many blogs and vlogs about weddings- do's and don'ts, must-haves and budget tricks. I looked for a step-by-step guide in wedding planning. It struck me that all the glamour that brides want to achieve should be at least close or exactly like the dream wedding they had during the younger years. Yes, blame the fairy tales- that three to five seconds of frozen time in movies when the idea of love seemed to be encapsulated in that eye contact. 

There is already an idea of how the wedding should be in every woman's mind. It could be a fairy tale wedding, a wedding of a royal family or an indie film wedding- meaning they just run away to a place, gathered some flowers, dressed-up and pulled a friend to administer the ceremony. That is why unsolicited opinions on how the wedding should be is frowned upon but tips on budgeting and where to look for stuff is the necessity. 

Regardless, the process is amazing. I will have another set of family and the idea of having to face the next decades with this person is just exciting. Yey! To God be all the glory!