I wonder what you are doing today, as I start to write again. For the past months you have been dwelling in my mind and you never failed to captivate me.
Today, I will talk about the changes I want for another new year. I will share with you the deepest hopes and the silent plans I have been pondering on for this past days.
First, I want to build a foundation for children whose parents cannot support their education. A couple of years ago, I learned that some of the children from my own province do not go to college because of the utter lack of financial supplies.
The second is to do good in school. They all told me that the secret of being a good lawyer is to start reading now. And so I shall.
Third, I really plan to quit my vices: being late, smoking and too much drinking. I read a book that says just tell yourself that you are opposite those things and you will be. Actually, I started already. Still, quitting a part of the routine is difficult but then nothing is impossible if you want it. Then I discovered that diverting your thoughts is very effective and not thinking about it.
Fourth, this year, I will buy a car. I am so tired of walking, waiting for a taxi and very long travel time. I need a car and I will get one.
Last words:
Life is all about waking up, and just moving on. We all die but then should that thought make us throw away the new chances that come everyday and every year. I would say that since I will die just the same, I must feel and really exploit the sense of living. It starts now.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
One More Try: A Review
This is a story of a drama-gone-bad because of a wrong advise from a doctor.
First, when a child is to be born for the purpose of supplying certain needs of another child, such as a specific type of blood, tissue or other body parts, the genes must be engineered to obtain the specifications. You cannot just expect that because a child is again born by the same set of parents, the blood type and other bodily characteristics will be the same. Hence, the process will be completed by in vitro fertilization.
The movie revolved around this idea. It emphasized the need for the two persons to mate again to have another child. Thus,implying that they will bear a child who's body type will supply the specific bone marrow the other child needs. Obviously, the makers of the movie failed to research the factual basis of their plot. Research would say that this is solely done by genetic engineering and completed by in vitro fertilization. At the end of the movie, I thought that it is just sad that the characters of the movie had to do all those because of a wrong medical advice. The character of Angelica P. was right when she said that they could send the child abroad for a better treatment. Sadly, in the presence of a loyal friend of a doctor, Grace and a cheater for a husband, her suggestion went up like a smoke.
On the other hand, well, the hardships a mother can bear when her child is in dispute is effectively shown in the movie. The characters are very realistic. I find just sad that the drama was rooted from a failed research. The media must be aware of their role to provide factual information.
First, when a child is to be born for the purpose of supplying certain needs of another child, such as a specific type of blood, tissue or other body parts, the genes must be engineered to obtain the specifications. You cannot just expect that because a child is again born by the same set of parents, the blood type and other bodily characteristics will be the same. Hence, the process will be completed by in vitro fertilization.
The movie revolved around this idea. It emphasized the need for the two persons to mate again to have another child. Thus,implying that they will bear a child who's body type will supply the specific bone marrow the other child needs. Obviously, the makers of the movie failed to research the factual basis of their plot. Research would say that this is solely done by genetic engineering and completed by in vitro fertilization. At the end of the movie, I thought that it is just sad that the characters of the movie had to do all those because of a wrong medical advice. The character of Angelica P. was right when she said that they could send the child abroad for a better treatment. Sadly, in the presence of a loyal friend of a doctor, Grace and a cheater for a husband, her suggestion went up like a smoke.
On the other hand, well, the hardships a mother can bear when her child is in dispute is effectively shown in the movie. The characters are very realistic. I find just sad that the drama was rooted from a failed research. The media must be aware of their role to provide factual information.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Thoughts On A Love Story
I had been in a very deep ****. Lost in translation and was let loose from my chains. They all happened at the same time. Thus, I succumbed to my demons, such as smoking and drinking until I felt my lungs heavier and my body weaker than before. I know of other people who had been here before. They survived. I kept on asking them what they did and how they have done it. To no avail, they have no answers for me. I guess that is another point for just live life and have fun, these are just bumps along the way.
My problem actually is, a boy, whom I thought would love me for eternity. Now, I have learned that they leave. They all come and go. There is just something with me that makes it so difficult to move on. I just do not let go. I have had friendships for a decade that I have maintained in close ties. This one wants to cut all the bonds I had with him. I cannot do that. I am not used to that. But then, I guess it is a high time to make changes. So I have to let him go then too by cutting all the bonds. I find it so sad to be doing this.
Yesterday, I watched a movie, One More Try, a Filipino film about a mother who had a son with man, who then have a wife, and when her son became very sick she tried to reach out to the father. But then, the options regarding the treatment because too few that they have to do things that are just out of the question. You have to watch it yourself because I do not want to be a spoiler.
I just realized from the movie that falling in love is just too painful and too risky. So I then thought of a better way of my passionate emotional outbursts. Service, yes that is the word. I can drink and smoke my life away because of the circumstances of my life but that would be a waste of life. I would rather give and share what I am wasting now with those who need it. Maybe, at the end of the day I will find that semblance in life that I am so much longing for.
Still, I lack ways of materializing what I am saying now. But it is a process. Nobody succeeded in just one day.
My problem actually is, a boy, whom I thought would love me for eternity. Now, I have learned that they leave. They all come and go. There is just something with me that makes it so difficult to move on. I just do not let go. I have had friendships for a decade that I have maintained in close ties. This one wants to cut all the bonds I had with him. I cannot do that. I am not used to that. But then, I guess it is a high time to make changes. So I have to let him go then too by cutting all the bonds. I find it so sad to be doing this.
Yesterday, I watched a movie, One More Try, a Filipino film about a mother who had a son with man, who then have a wife, and when her son became very sick she tried to reach out to the father. But then, the options regarding the treatment because too few that they have to do things that are just out of the question. You have to watch it yourself because I do not want to be a spoiler.
I just realized from the movie that falling in love is just too painful and too risky. So I then thought of a better way of my passionate emotional outbursts. Service, yes that is the word. I can drink and smoke my life away because of the circumstances of my life but that would be a waste of life. I would rather give and share what I am wasting now with those who need it. Maybe, at the end of the day I will find that semblance in life that I am so much longing for.
Still, I lack ways of materializing what I am saying now. But it is a process. Nobody succeeded in just one day.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
SCOLDING MYSELF
There are those times when you just want to breathe and let all the pain and frustrations flow out from your body. You want this when you suddenly notice that you are ventilating all the anger to other people, hurting those you love most. But then, they are the ones you know you can successfully hurt because they love you and you know they will still be there. The thing is, the pain you cause now might leave scars that are too painful and do not heal. The thing is, you might be wasting precious time in hurting them.
What then should you do?
1. Confront your demons.
2. Make peace with yourself
3. Say sorry
4. Know that tomorrow is another day.
5. Reject temptations
Also, when you get used to doing things, seeing things that are not ordinary, they become a normal part of life. I know I am correct in doing this, which is running away from it and going far far to where it will not try to haunt me. It scares me so much that I might commit mistakes that could change my life completely in a split second. I do not want to because I have my dreams. My goals in life, I know, are unreachable but I will reach for the stars. But then I found friendship with those who dig shallow aspirations compared to mine. I think they are pulling me down. The thought of them makes my will and determination wane. I do not know what to do. I just started going away, getting out of this mess I am in. Still, I know that I can figure this out and I will come out with a better version of me. I will with the help of God and my family. They will always be there I know.
What then should you do?
1. Confront your demons.
2. Make peace with yourself
3. Say sorry
4. Know that tomorrow is another day.
5. Reject temptations
Also, when you get used to doing things, seeing things that are not ordinary, they become a normal part of life. I know I am correct in doing this, which is running away from it and going far far to where it will not try to haunt me. It scares me so much that I might commit mistakes that could change my life completely in a split second. I do not want to because I have my dreams. My goals in life, I know, are unreachable but I will reach for the stars. But then I found friendship with those who dig shallow aspirations compared to mine. I think they are pulling me down. The thought of them makes my will and determination wane. I do not know what to do. I just started going away, getting out of this mess I am in. Still, I know that I can figure this out and I will come out with a better version of me. I will with the help of God and my family. They will always be there I know.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Expectations
Let me eat my words and spit them out later. Then I shall take all the stabbing stares of those who claim to be closest to my heart.
First, I am not selfish. I am just focusing on myself. Because my past experiences taught me that it is the best thing I can do for myself. The statistics are low on the probability that I have a wrong statement.
Second, because I am not selfish but just focusing on myself, you cannot expect me to go soft on small petty things and all that. I am trying to be strong here. Maybe you should try that too. In this world, you cannot expect other people to stop their world for you, who chose to stop yours.
Lastly, tell people why. You cannot be sad and expect people to sympathize without them knowing why.
***
Yes, I hate it. Well, I so hate seeing any signs of weakness now. It is the last thing that I need. And I do not want anything to do with it.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?
It has been months since I have been in this same phase of transition. Every sad movie and every love song seem to have been made for me. Maybe, this is the part where I allow myself to drown in my own emotions. The danger is, I might not be able to go back and be happy again.
I look back in the past and searched for the things I did wrong. There was none because I have loved him even up to now. It just angers me that he seems happy now. Maybe I am that easy to let go. For days, I have been trying to interpret how these things came to be. Maybe he still loves me but must let go. Maybe he has another and he has to let go. Or just that he does not love me anymore and has to let me go. Trying to think about these things is useless. He is gone and that is for good.
What happens to me now? I actually feel worthless and ugly but I know that I am not. To think I am those is just to explain to the whole world why he left me. But actually, I know very well that I am neither and never those words. He left me without any reason at all. He chose to turn his back and gave no reason as to why and how this break up came to be. Until now, I do not know why. Was he just being civil to not tell me that he became bored and that he finds me worthless and ugly already?
Everyday, I am at war with my emotions. I just want to cry and be sad most of the times. For what? Well, for that blind faith that he might know and come back to save me from himself. On the other hand, I entertain the idea that he is a **** who ruined my views on love. He said he will love me always. Obviously, he lied because he left me.
Still, I am happy that I am now experiencing this life-changing moment. Just that I entertained it so much that I find it somehow difficult to get off this sadness. But then, I know that I can.
I have met a love of people who have been in this phase. And they all told me that things will get better but it surely does feel like hell. My mother even told me that well, they come and go.
There are also those new acquaintances, whom I wonder where'd-she-get-that-happiness? Later, I learned that she came from a broken-heart.
For the past months, there is a number of times where thunder strikes of realization hit me. And these are my rays of sun now.
1. That happiness is indeed a choice. It shall come from you and yourself alone. If you base your happiness on something or someone, it is a very big mistake. We only live once, we all know that, so just play the song and be merry.
2. To spend a long time being sad is a waste of time. Just allot a few minutes being sad but not days or months. You might not realize this now but when you are over this, you will agree.
3. Never make decisions while you are in this stage. This is very difficult. The secret is, just go on living. even if you are dying and you are no longer effective just go along. People will surely understand because either they have been there or they sympathize.
4. You are surrounded with love from all around you. That you practically lived and survived because of that love. But then, right now, the love you chose and focused on is gone. Well, accept it. There was never something wrong about you. Lastly, this is the best time to love yourself too.
I look back in the past and searched for the things I did wrong. There was none because I have loved him even up to now. It just angers me that he seems happy now. Maybe I am that easy to let go. For days, I have been trying to interpret how these things came to be. Maybe he still loves me but must let go. Maybe he has another and he has to let go. Or just that he does not love me anymore and has to let me go. Trying to think about these things is useless. He is gone and that is for good.
What happens to me now? I actually feel worthless and ugly but I know that I am not. To think I am those is just to explain to the whole world why he left me. But actually, I know very well that I am neither and never those words. He left me without any reason at all. He chose to turn his back and gave no reason as to why and how this break up came to be. Until now, I do not know why. Was he just being civil to not tell me that he became bored and that he finds me worthless and ugly already?
Everyday, I am at war with my emotions. I just want to cry and be sad most of the times. For what? Well, for that blind faith that he might know and come back to save me from himself. On the other hand, I entertain the idea that he is a **** who ruined my views on love. He said he will love me always. Obviously, he lied because he left me.
Still, I am happy that I am now experiencing this life-changing moment. Just that I entertained it so much that I find it somehow difficult to get off this sadness. But then, I know that I can.
I have met a love of people who have been in this phase. And they all told me that things will get better but it surely does feel like hell. My mother even told me that well, they come and go.
There are also those new acquaintances, whom I wonder where'd-she-get-that-happiness? Later, I learned that she came from a broken-heart.
For the past months, there is a number of times where thunder strikes of realization hit me. And these are my rays of sun now.
1. That happiness is indeed a choice. It shall come from you and yourself alone. If you base your happiness on something or someone, it is a very big mistake. We only live once, we all know that, so just play the song and be merry.
2. To spend a long time being sad is a waste of time. Just allot a few minutes being sad but not days or months. You might not realize this now but when you are over this, you will agree.
3. Never make decisions while you are in this stage. This is very difficult. The secret is, just go on living. even if you are dying and you are no longer effective just go along. People will surely understand because either they have been there or they sympathize.
4. You are surrounded with love from all around you. That you practically lived and survived because of that love. But then, right now, the love you chose and focused on is gone. Well, accept it. There was never something wrong about you. Lastly, this is the best time to love yourself too.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Causing Pain
What I have feared most is happening. This, you and him and them. What do you expect from me? Someone just left me alone, leaving me frail and vulnerable. I am in a situation where I have to toughen up to cope with all these. Do not expect me to be sensitive. I am fighting my own war now. I am on my own. Today, I have to be strong and less soft on others. This is what I have to do survive. Or else, the one who nearly got stuck in that dark place will come back. I do not want her, the weakest version of me.
I just want to be happy!!! That is what I am trying to do now! And you want me to just try to go with it. Or you do not want me to do anything. It is just sad. Today I am trying my best to loosen up and break free from all the reservations I have from myself. Please do not hinder that with your lame expectations.
Peace.
Freedom.
Love.
Serenity.
Harmony.
Rhythm.
These are what I fight for now.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Thoughts Over Tea
Why do I come back to this place repeatedly? Why do I love painfully remembering your memories?
I told you before that if I will find another I will make sure that he will be better than you.
Today, I realized that I want only you and I still love you. But then, it was you who left, the saddest chapter of this life that I painstakingly have to endure.
Maybe, life is just teaching me some lessons in this. And I have to move on.
I told you before that if I will find another I will make sure that he will be better than you.
Today, I realized that I want only you and I still love you. But then, it was you who left, the saddest chapter of this life that I painstakingly have to endure.
Maybe, life is just teaching me some lessons in this. And I have to move on.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
At 65?
What will my life be in a couple of decades? I wonder.
Last Friday, our instructor told us that he will be resigning from the teaching profession in the next semester. He said, he will spend his remaining time in his farm in the province of La Union. I thought, I would want that too. But there are certain things that I do not have. Things like a farm, money to buy a farm, and a job to have money to buy a farm. A funny thought from a dreamer/ student/ bum like me. However, with that fact, I strongly believe that at my age, everything is possible.
So there you have it. When I will be 65, retired, and tired of working, I will spend my remaining time in an island/ beach/ resort. The thought of it is what I love most. Cheers to the future!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
A Letter to God and A Letter to Him
Dear Father,
Indeed you are the father I never had. Not the one whom I expected to comfort me in times of despair and the one who will tell me that I can do anything.
I wrote this letter to tell you what has been happening to me in the past months. Well, it was a roller-coaster ride, one minute I was euphoric and the other I was buried under the ground. I have learned several lessons when I went through them all. Thank you for pushing me towards the end of the turbulence, the sandstorm and the night. I know it was because of you that I survived it all. I believe that I am stronger now. There is this transition that I noticed within me. You gave me a stronger heart and a wiser mind. Thank you.
But then I have to apologize because before I realized all of this, I questioned and doubted your will. Even to the point of letting things be, thinking that your will will still pursue whether or not I act on it. It did. But the results are horrendous because I was hanging by a string most of the time. I promise to do my best now. I promise to push myself harder than before.
Indeed you are the father I never had. Not the one whom I expected to comfort me in times of despair and the one who will tell me that I can do anything.
I wrote this letter to tell you what has been happening to me in the past months. Well, it was a roller-coaster ride, one minute I was euphoric and the other I was buried under the ground. I have learned several lessons when I went through them all. Thank you for pushing me towards the end of the turbulence, the sandstorm and the night. I know it was because of you that I survived it all. I believe that I am stronger now. There is this transition that I noticed within me. You gave me a stronger heart and a wiser mind. Thank you.
But then I have to apologize because before I realized all of this, I questioned and doubted your will. Even to the point of letting things be, thinking that your will will still pursue whether or not I act on it. It did. But the results are horrendous because I was hanging by a string most of the time. I promise to do my best now. I promise to push myself harder than before.
***
Dear You,
You did it again. Please do not disturb my peace that I have sought and fought for. I hope and pray that you are happy now because I am even now that I have accepted that you will no longer be a part of my life. It actually feels good to be alone. You see I am now again in the process of finding myself and finding something, I never knew, that I am still looking for. It is crazy to look for something that you are not even aware of what it is.
But then, losing you actually made me realize that life moves on. You were never the center of my universe and I regret thinking that you were. I just cannot stop because you are gone because you never defined happiness, although I did entertain that thought. The part that made this all difficult is that side of me who is easily emotionally attached. I am now in the process of decreasing its intensity because I noticed how it nearly destroyed me. Before, I thought that having a soft heart can save the world. It was wrong, in the movies, they are the ones who are first killed. I nearly had that fate because of you. Thank you for letting me go.
And then I have to end this, because I have to review.
I might not forget those times that we had and the feeling of being in it. But then I have to move on and realize that there is more to life than the thought of you. You are just that boy I once thought I loved. Loved because I can only love one man whom I thought was you but then it appears you are not that so I believe I am taking it all back. I did not plan this but you started deleting everything. Something that made you more and more "bitter" that how I feel. Gee. Why? Its not like I am someone to be super erased. Did you actually think that I would run back to you after all this? No. You are so wrong. I am far better than what you think of me. After you did a sort of closure-letter, which was very very disappointing because people talk personally and technology is just used for convenience in terms of speed, you were here last November and you did not even try to talk to me? Then you sent me a closure letter? Over a facebook message? Where is maturity for that. Until now, I feel ashamed of my love life.because of the shallowness of some man. You cannot and will not even talk to me and you call yourself a man.
Well maybe I am just not that girl. I pray for that best for you and I hope you do the same for me.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
First Steps
Sadness
It eats us from the inside until there is nothing left of us. The causes? We choose them. We choose whom of them can reach and pierce the deepest part of the soul. Then they go on and slice us open once they get there leaving us bleeding and desperate to get everything back and turn back time. What is it with being broken hearted that made me want to give up? Which part have I lost grip of what I have always held on? What was my mistake?
Reality
It slapped me in the face when I started turning away from her. My mother who sat patiently while I ranted about how bad my day was and my life was, at present, a hell. Then she spoke and asked me questions that she knew I could answer. She knew that I can figure things out, like how everyone can in the troubles of life.
Will
I can do this I know that I can. I will not give up on that girl who dreamt that she will become a millionaire. And the other who planned to write a book, meet her prince charming and be swept away. I will never get tired of loving and living. I must make the most of the things that surround me.
It eats us from the inside until there is nothing left of us. The causes? We choose them. We choose whom of them can reach and pierce the deepest part of the soul. Then they go on and slice us open once they get there leaving us bleeding and desperate to get everything back and turn back time. What is it with being broken hearted that made me want to give up? Which part have I lost grip of what I have always held on? What was my mistake?
Reality
It slapped me in the face when I started turning away from her. My mother who sat patiently while I ranted about how bad my day was and my life was, at present, a hell. Then she spoke and asked me questions that she knew I could answer. She knew that I can figure things out, like how everyone can in the troubles of life.
Will
I can do this I know that I can. I will not give up on that girl who dreamt that she will become a millionaire. And the other who planned to write a book, meet her prince charming and be swept away. I will never get tired of loving and living. I must make the most of the things that surround me.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Thoughts In A Cold December Morning
Then there was that chill that sent me to the dark shadows of my fears. I do not want to fall in love again.
I went to the beach yesterday. I was given the privilege to think about what I am doing. I bored myself to death while watching the sea and the sunset. Then I repeated scenes in my mind over and over that I found the part where I made a mistake that is I keep on overthinking things. Now, I realized that well, if he left me then he did. Its not like the definition of my existence revolves around him. Its not like I have tons of friends who showered me with love and support that I think I want to be broken hearted for a longer time just so I can enjoy the attention. Well, I learned that life goes on just like how easy it was to drop me like that and leave and forget every word said like always and forever. I am meant for someone better than you and I am now happy that you left.
However, there is that fear of stepping into unknown paths. And I am in that phase where I am still scared, doubtful and full of anxiety. But I will I will.
I went to the beach yesterday. I was given the privilege to think about what I am doing. I bored myself to death while watching the sea and the sunset. Then I repeated scenes in my mind over and over that I found the part where I made a mistake that is I keep on overthinking things. Now, I realized that well, if he left me then he did. Its not like the definition of my existence revolves around him. Its not like I have tons of friends who showered me with love and support that I think I want to be broken hearted for a longer time just so I can enjoy the attention. Well, I learned that life goes on just like how easy it was to drop me like that and leave and forget every word said like always and forever. I am meant for someone better than you and I am now happy that you left.
However, there is that fear of stepping into unknown paths. And I am in that phase where I am still scared, doubtful and full of anxiety. But I will I will.
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