i do not wish to tell myself that i am not destined to be here. i want to love where i am and i am loving it. i will not leave because it would not be a good reason for taking the right path for me. yes, i want to be a ____. but i will not be a millionaire if i'd be that. i will not be able to explore the other dimensions of this world if i'd be giving up. to be a student nurse is tough- in my perspective- and to be a great SN would be tougher. i will become a part of somebody's life while i am here . i will. -
i was asked later that night about the plans in my life- i said i'd take law". why? because it was my plan when i was in highschool.(remember??? palmer and julius!-my beloved sitmates) i knw it would be tougher.
if asked how i would be a millionaire- uhmm , i will still find out.
i wonder what exactly is my plan: am i goin to have a family? the fact that i do not want to be confined in a four-walled place with kids and live a life of being nobody!!! or... tell me if there's someone out there who would love me forever and ever!!! tell me if Prince Charming do exist..because i don't believe he does ( damn you who destroyed my perception of love, you who lied, you who cheated, you who made her cry, you who... all of you) though a part of me says something- that fantasies only happens in dreams
...
i would leave this place. i would go away. i would not take all your weaknesses with me. i have learned my lessons from you. i would live a life different from anything you have believed in. but thank you. i would never forget those who stayed.- with CAPS and PINS. i know i have noone but myself.

CAPS , PINS, CANDLES -june 27

maamaamio
my sisters attended!!! lab yu so much

lighted candles! aloha!!

sometimes we just can't get away from vanity-me and the rest of the guys.

and there are those we can never get away from-at last i have a pic with papa ferdie. wajaja

jo, ferdie.i-wala pang caps

with one of the mentors of CN-gret, sir law, mio

3-A BSN

! NOTA: there are a lot of things that had enlightened me.

1. that-to wear a cap means something,

2. to be in white is something,

3.and to be there... is something i still to find out.

WHAT I THOUGHT

1. to listen when nobody will and be there when needed most. no, he shall not be the puppet, he shall not be a toy.but someone who just wants to be there willingly wholeheartedly. someone who respects and loves the way you are. someone whose worst nightmare is to hurt you. and someone who promises never to make you cry, if he does: he'll kneel to say sorry he'll plead to stop those tears.

2. to speak .those words, at the right moment , at the right time. when everything is perfect then everything will be fine. he seldom lies. if he does. you can see it in his eyes. those words have been sacred to you. it is too for him.

3. to embrace .like taking you to a different world, even just for a moment. that is what it is about never lust , never desire ,but only you.

4. to make you smile. and to know that you need that. not to complete you because you are never incomplete. but to give what he can while he can

5. to be faithful. because he promised so. if he says he is indeed only human, doubts rise. are you not? (if you're the only one who hoped.that he is only yours)

6. to love you. beyond description, beyond anything.

*but you stay there. do you not realize that you covered your eyes with your own hands. but you can still hear and feel everything. even if you pretend that you are blind. you are not! i've been telling you to hold on to your own hands. sometimes the person who can never let go of you. is yourself. dreams seldom take place in real life. and fantasies... never happen.

PPP-PITY

when i cried in front of a guy , i never felt pathetic, what i felt was- weird.weird because, i never thought i could do it.

i hated crying because it is a sign of powerlessness. but at that point in my life, all i could do is cry. and to cry on someone who actually tried to lift me up, helped so much. i must say that i will never forget those people who were by my side and stayed till i was fine. at times like those, it is when you see who people really are: those who watch, act, and stay; those who turn their backs and talk; those who followed the flow; those who were real and those who were not what they seem to be.

i never hated them, it is so wrong to blame other people without digging deeper on what you could have done and what really happened. from that i learned how to look at myself, full-length in front of a mirror (at first i thought i will never see the same smile i had...) but falling, breaking and being in the most difficult chapters in one's life all leads to standing and living again, stronger than before. now, i can say that crying is not a sign of weakness but strength in admitting powerlessness,which is what strength really is.

before, i know that i have so many unrouted principles in life, which is funny because i realize that i had been too superficial in how i looked at life. the person before was too young but what made her think the way she thinks now is- how she was pushed to limits, she never imagined and how she felt what pain really is.

i am not yet tough. but i am trying to be. I'm still trying to build up myself and what i really am. i am still on my quest to finding out how to love myself and become a part of my own life. for it had been hardest to depend on others, it hurts to know that all along nobody would reach out for you (if you would do something wrong people usually turn away, seldom do people stay to allow you to become better) i do not want to blame other people, it was never their acts that resulted to this, but mine: because this is my life.

IKNOWITSSTUDIP

she said, arlene, take the cardiac rate of the patient,-i need a stet and i borrowed one,- uhmm, how was it done? i placed it in the chest area and i tried to listen to the cardiac rate. but all i can hear is -wheezing? -the baby is breastfeeding for God's sake. i placed the bulb on the lower area.i heard a rapid beating sound plus the wheezing. my dear c.i went in, i told her that i cannot hear anything. ,i still remember that face. i told her: cardiac rate is- 30. 30. 30 beats in a minute. i claimed that i have counted 30 beats in a minute. i know that was not 30. it was 30 for 15 seconds. but could i take back my words? oh- i remember that face again. and she took the stet from me. and she said it was 150, in a minute. i failed my elementary math teacher. that was simply counting. outside that room i remembered , 100-120 normal cardiac rate for the baby's age- i am so busted. stupidly busted. i cringed .i wish i vanished . but she asked me. with that look again.

i will never know why i lied. i know. that ,... i thought- lub dub? those were the heart beats.

this kind of mistake is amng th most humiliating parts in taking this profession. i lied. how dare me. after all those righteous words , here i am , lying. burn me. for even cardiac rate vanished in my brain. my sanity abandoned me.. how dare

HA-HA

when you stop writing. its when everything will stop.and all the other things will follow- Paul Nuval (o6/14/08) translated.

that is where the passion is.that is what pushes the world to turn and turn and turn.it will never stop only we, stop. at a certain point . at a certain time. at one perfect moment which only we, i, who live this life, will determine.

and though all the drama of this life will come as one , what shall become of us. if we let it all take over. if you say life is not about destinations. if you say we should all be happy. if you alone have your questions to ask and if you have your doubts that you want to spill.

i know that you hide behind your smiles. and i will never know if i am that right. i know i shall not judge you. but what i am sure of is your heart is so true. that is what i know, for sure.

BUT. who am i to comfort? for i know that i am among those who caused you pain. but your tears were never wasted. this is not about "worths" you are so good. i am so sorry.

IF I WILL NOT TAKE THAT

Uploaded on September 5, 2006by tornatore on Flickr

Uploaded on April 18, 2007by alidarbac in flickr

Uploaded on August 28, 2005by Steve Wilhelm on flickr

*water balloons- yeah!

*i am amazed how these pictures show a sudden break. i see now how playing with water is a lot of FUN. so why should it become of importance to splash a drop of it to be refreshened and clean.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

how could one not take a bath? for a day,for a week ? eww- and what could be harder than pretending you feel not so hot and itchy? or what would it be like not really liking taking a bath? and every time you touch your shoulder, all the grime would slide in your hand, or worse all the shredded epithelium would bulk up in your hands and lo! really, i guess the worse part of it is like just pretending you feel fine under the hot sun.

i do noticed that Filipinos are very particular in taking a bath. that everyday one should take a bath to... be clean? of course. taking a bath takes 15-20 minutes ,30 minutes is exaggeration, i think. point is taking a bath takes much of our time. i mean, as a student i really am kinda hard up at times running after the time , the fact that our house is so far away from the school. then all of a sudden, what if i won't take a bath ?! right? imagine the time i could save in not taking a bath, for a week? for a month?

but my second thoughts tell me that that would be gross. though i actually think of trying it but the question is -how much i could contribute to the pollution that is already floating around us... and i think nobody would even dare to be near me if i try.

however the necessity of taking a bath should not be disregarded. i just couldn't imagine all the microorganisms in my skin become a clan , and my body becomes a breeding ground, then I'd be... their home? no. I'm not an advocate to this idea that poofed in my mind aside from it, being gross, it is among the most hideous thing i had though of, but uhmm- i think

*in some parts of desert lands its ok not to bathe because of the lack of water. right?

FOR _____ SAKE AND ME

HI. this is my first post. why should you care.why should you even bother to read. who am i , no one. but there's something that i really want. that you read me. because that is every writer's aspiration. am i calling myself a writer? no, you say that and i pray you would.
i have not yet won any award. i wish i have but - though i actually want Pulitzer and palanca and Nobel and oh- i would be happy with that. who wouldn't , so i have been writing. i stopped when somebody stole one of my pieces, a tragedy that cost me to stop going after my dreams, a book. and that damn girl never said sorry. how dare her. but i let that pass me , because i am a peace advocate

so if there is anyone out there who read this till here. i hope you tell me something . i hope you show me what to do. when all your friends turned their backs against you.

A STONE'S MAUDLIN

every teardrop that i gave to the sea, shall compel the ocean to rise.tomorrow at sunrise the world too shall cry.

if i kneel before you

if i want to plead

if i grab your hand and pull you from those weeds.

but i cannot even touch you

i cannot even get close

should i?

watch you ruin and fall?

wait for what happens

and that would be all?

even silence screams

but i cannot tell my heart to stop staring

i cannot even stop my tears

you.

i cannot watch you fall

i would take that one step,

just to be near you.,

even if guilt and doubts pull me back

i cannot watch you fall

just hold on to something that would never let you go, if you find it

no one can ever touch you.i hope you understood everything that i told you, because i only took one step, i shall let you be. remember that no one deserved to hurt you, even HIM.

nota:

i know things will never be the same. but, what is bound to be shall be. i can no longer act as the good person, i know i too , have flaws. i have stopped judging you, but i never really did that. i just wanted you to at least look at things differently , but you did not, why should you. i am no righteous person. but i know there was that time i claimed to be one. how dare me say those words right? i am sorry.

still i am happy that all of us will be on our own, but i guess i am the only one who is alone here. this is the path that i have chosen. i am very happy here. with myself. it had been better to cry when nights, even days would made me realize that everything ended up sad and bad.