happy birthday

they ask me. why him. why even get back to him why ...
i do not know people. haha! maybe its love another haha!!! and i wonder too why we cannot have time. that is because we are both so different in so many ways. and yet seemingly very familiar with each other... very not bored um idk. im never bored. him being there is already okay. him existing is already worth living for. so why should i demand for more? even if my impulses wants him to be before my eyes i cannot. because he has a life to live and i do not want him to be my life. people can leave any moment.

so you ask me again why him. do i ask you why him? did i ask you why you chose him? sometimes you cannot question my choices. you cannot slap me with the words i have used before. and i do not need to explain to you why him. because how dare you ask that.

but i am thankful that you ask. i will answer here where you cannot read it, because you do not read. haha for that! i was not stupid. i was having illusions. that he is great. it might sound crazy that i think he is great even if you think that he is not great. you see, there is a reason for everything. he acts like that for a reason and because of my illusions i will understand those reasons fully. you know what i am talking about. the feeling of going back to where you feel at home. the feeling of just wanting them there and not considering all the other things. just them there is alright. but no. i am lying. again. because some people want me too. some people tell me how beautiful i am and those are what i needed to here. imagine how tight is my grip to these tiny strings. imagine that even in faces of temptations i think of him. and i never lie. i can never lie to him and to myself.

what the hell is happening to me? i can no longer have things my way. because in the first place i had it my way! lucky guy who never met the most bitchy person in the world. in my world. where everything is within my control. i miss her.

o well we are talking about him. i would have wanted to fall for the others. but they are not him. am i not pathetic? yes i am. to hell with it. i am still happy here. do not question my happiness.