Red Light

 You know that moment when you are late and you cannot cross because the traffic light is in red? And then there are no cars coming. You are debating with your own values and what they thought you in elementary school about this light-it means STOP. But you are late. 

So you cross.

Like the thief of a piece of bread you justify that you are hungry. You will be late if you will not violate the rule. Like destroying the order and balance of a society is worth it. Like it mattered. 

Sad Stories

I wonder if the need to be on top is just innate for human nature or animal instinct. Like being a victim makes you celebrate when you become the predator. Learning to appreciate your life when you see miseries of other people. Everything is outward. Thoughts are based on what is happening outside. 

Recent events in my life made me realize that I am a self-entitled and self-centered bitch for most part of my existence. Because I am so good at rationalizing being the drama-queen that I am, I have a reason every time I give up on something. Either it was not worth my time or blame it on the circumstances. This led me to jumping on one rock to another. Crossing bridges by looking for easier ways to cross it. 

Yes I know it now. Reality can slap you in the face or in the ass in moments that you feel powerless. I am learning a lot.

I learned that I have my issues that I have to resolve on my own. That is to suck it up and learn to endure things.

Dear God,

I cannot do this. I just cannot. But I will believe in you. Amen. 

Figurative

 When I was seventeen years old, I wrote this note detailing how much I like this guy. It mentioned everything from memorable moments and a very elaborate description of how I feel. It was written on a notebook that he read because I was clumsy and the notebook was lying there. 

I never really liked that guy but he was so convinced of the intensity of my feelings because of what he read. It was so complicated after that. I was young and felt like I was obliged to admit and be in a relationship with him  

I can call that a funny story. Personally, it was the time that I was convinced I am good in writing just because. 🤣 Well, I also learned to be creative: not to use names, hide details and use figures of speech. 

I never pursued a writing career. I pursued learning everything along the way. I tried everything I can like an aimless arrow. Maybe it was a mistake to use figures of speech. Maybe somethings we believed for so long are not realistic. 

Right now, I doubt myself for the first time. Doubt and having no other option because I am stuck. Now I learn how to live with my choices.