Confused

In my mind, there is a battle going on. One side wants war and the other wants peace. Someone do not want to fight. The other wants a full blown battle. Who will win? I will be deciding. If the war freak wins, I will be functional. If the other wins, I will self destruct. But my desire for survival will let the war freak wins because the peace lover is boring. 

I want to let you go. I do not know you but you are the constant reminder that I am ugly and fat. Do you really think it is the personality? No. You used your body and your scheming cool girl tactics while I was on my journey to becoming a mother. You stopped it all for the thrill of peace and compatibility. Of course it is not totally your fault. Dogs will always want bones. 

The real life is calling. Please go far away from my mind. Please stop existing in my world. Please stop being happy that I am gone. Please stop thinking I even existed in your world. 

My Daily Dose of Pain

My pains are back. I have a four times a week class with his relative and it will be a four times a week reminder of him. All the emotions are going back. This is so unfair. He is already happy in the arms of another and here I am wallowing. I do not want to hate but it was partly my defense from all the pain. Until now, I think its cruel that casting me out of your life is celebratory to all who care for you. I never thought you were just waiting for me to agree that we break up so that you can be with her. Was I really that bad? Was my existence so abhorred that you just cannot wait? 

My mother told me to not broadcast my problems. And here I am blogging it out. And now I will think of a solution. I will not let it affect me. She is a great teacher and I will just forget that they are related. Maybe the idea that you died is not enough. I have to convince myself that you never existed. It will be ridiculous to hate a subject just because the teacher is your aunt. It is a subject that I  starting to love. She seems to require that the whole book should be read by now. This is challenging. I will not back down. I will be a lawyer and you will not stop it. I can do this with prayer to God to give me strength. 

Suicidal

There are so many depressed people these days. It is now a prevalent disease which does not discriminate. It affects everyone. Recently, someone I know killed himself because his depression was just overwhelming. He can hear voices in his head. He pulled the trigger.

When people commit suicide, there so many opinions. But since, depression is now regarded as a normal disease suicide is understood as its consequence. This is just wrong. It is wrong to kill yourself just because you are depressed. It is wrong to surrender to it just because you are sick. Some people are battling cancer and those with depression must learn how to fight too. Having depression is not a defense to die. It is not an excuse to live a crappy life. 

Do not give up for the sake of all of us who are depressed. Life is not perfect but we will see this through. Just hold on for some time and just keep on holding on. It will get better. 

How I Survive My Problems and Celebrate Victories

I notice some people have a habit of talking about their problems. Life being so difficult, issues with people surrounding them and any unfortunate event. 

There was a time in my life when I also love talking about negative issues. Then my ex boyfriend left me for another girl which ended my wedding preparations. The bomb was exploding in my face and I was alone in announcing that there will be no wedding to family, friends, neighbors and a gazillion of relatives. During that time I was in a lot of business deals to raise funds for my wedding. Well, I just invested all my money to make it grow while preparing for my dream wedding. So there, I have no face to show people. I was cashless and ashamed. I was so heartbroken. 

You know what saved me? I never talked about it to anyone in the first weeks that followed. I went to the gym and poured my heart out in working out because that is my release of energy. I cry but only for a minute. My mind was on constant run to rationalizing what just happened to my life. This resulted to an understanding that life will never be perfect. 

Right now, I am in a better place. I want to celebrate this. It may not be in a grand gesture but just the mere fact that I am happy with the girl I see in the mirror. If only others can understand. Talking about your problems is not the solution. It only makes you dwell in the idea that you have a problem.  You have to dig deeper within and just deal with things with what you have. Since you will die someday, why swim in a sea of negative emotions. What if you just embrace courage, faith and love? Maybe you will be fulfilled. You will realize that you are tougher than you think. 

The Bored 20 Something

What am I doing?

Reading The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang.

Notes:
All the lives lost  were not wasted. For they all signified a thing or two. In this world we are but specks of lives trying to make it through. We all have a role to play in times of war. You just have to choose which one you can play in accordance to your principles in life or your advocacy, if there are any. You can be a hero, who will die trying to win a war or a victim of circumstances who was not designed to be a soldier and yet you were there to serve the country based on necessity. You can be a woman raped over and over, subjected to the act of sex which was supposedly a euphoric act but unfortunately your partner is a disgusting sweaty smelly meaty devil who sees you as nothing more but another piece of vagina.

What saddened me most was the afterthought of the words if only and what if are spoken. My grief is not yet late I hope. For the lives lost as stated in this account are too many to bear for a nation. The world must at least acknowledge.
Ross Terrill once said only if the past is understood can the future be navigated.

I have a theory.

Night Thoughts

1. How can I earn more money?
2. How will I become an expert in time management?

I am outside the house rushing something. It must be done outside because of the dust and I want some view while I work. There are some dogs roaming around the street. It was their time of the day to rule. They bark, they ran and they flirt with each other in open view. They seem to acquire courage in the absence of daylight. 

The cold is starting to seep through my body. My feet are already numbed by cold. This means I have to be inside the house. I have to sleep because I have to wake up early. While in bed, I am having flashbacks if all the things that happened to me. I have survived. I am so proud of myself. The next move I have to make is figure out what to do next. 

My mind is racing. There is a lot happening and time is flying so fast. I miss the time when I was chill, naive and romanticize everything that comes my way. But this does not mean I want her back. Maybe I just want to commemorate how she died and I was born.