First, you read all about it and not understand. It is not the place you are in right now. Second, you become the happiest person in the world because he tells you he wants to get married. The euphoria is just overwhelming. The mixed emotions are flooding in and you start reprogramming your life. Third, he decides to stop loving and ends it all. You step back, cry a lot and think.
In any problem, the first question you ask yourself is why. Why must you solve this math problem? You answer yourself with the fact that one piece of the jigsaw puzzle is so valuable to get a college degree. Sometimes, answers do not come out easily but deep inside you know it. It is just the simple fact that in life s*** happens. You can choose to say you do not know or you put the blame on yourself. You can also place the blame on someone else or the circumstances of this world. After five minutes, you move on to the next question. Consider the test-taking strategy, do not spend too much time on just one question.
The next question is WHAT. What happens now? We have told everyone already and now this. I still keep on lying about it. Denial is the key to keep yourself sane when reality keeps on pounding you. He already blocked you in every single account and you cannot even call his phone. You laugh at yourself because you remember being in the same s***hole years ago. Think now. The answer to the question is just deal with it.
HOW?
1. You write about it.
2. Think of a plan. - how to cancel a wedding? how to change the life plan from motherhood to world traveler?
3. Heal yourself from all the wounds caused by this detachment. Start with making yourself beautiful by eating all the food you can and imagine that by some miracle he will regret leaving you when he sees you again in a drop-dead gorgeous body.
4. Remember that you are not the richest person in the world. You do not have the license to lock yourself in a room and cry a river for so long. Get up and divert your attention. Some people do not have food to eat and you have a lot.
5. The most effective I have tried so far. Play RPG games. This things are proven effective to make you think that you are in control of something. However, take certain precaution as they are addictive.
WHEN?
Start now. You do not have forever to waste time on a just a piece of the pie.
WHERE?
The place where you are standing.
...
In reality, I am actually just on auto-mode. It is so difficult. I just carry on by consistently reminding myself that I am so blessed. Reading the Bible, and listening to some lectures help a lot. There was this line someone said, you cannot base your happiness on whether someone loves you or not. A pastor also lectured, knowing that there is a God with an unconditional love for you is enough. Someone else's lost affection is already irrelevant. Praise the Lord!
Monday, April 22, 2019
A Horror Story
There were ghosts last night. They were voices of screaming children. At first, I thought there was a real-life telenovela drama going on outside the house. There was running, two children screaming and the sound of a wall being pounded. It lasted for so long that I decided to go outside to watch but there was nothing. It was like the commotion was all in my head because the voices seem to go farther. I went back to my room and the voices were back. So I decided to play some Christian songs on my phone to drive them away. I have so many issues right now, I just cannot deal with being scared.
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