GOT THE MESSAGE?

Dear Diary,
I am confused. I am confused with everything that is going on... why did I believe in fairy tales? Why did I? This is my fault. Everything became real I do not know. I am not aware of what I am doing. I feel lost in everything that I am doing right now. I do not know what is the right thing to do...

Dear Diary,
I think that I am going astray from the path that I am taking. I am falling at pits that looked like a solid ground. I do not know if I can claim that I do not want to step on it or that I really wanted to but the consequences of admitting it will be grave.

Dear Diary,
I hope I can keep up with the pace of the world that I try so hard to slow down. I hope I can make it. I hope they can wait. I hope he can wait. I hope it turns out right. I hope I do the right. I pray for these all.

Dear Diary,

Indeed, I am confused. Lost and wandering. I hope someone finds me. and grabs me from this pit...

STUDY HABITS

So yesterday, they gave us cases to read and digest. I do not know how the others felt about it but for me it was pure euphoria. But the euphoria was extinguished by the deadlines. See, the thing is I want to enjoy this but they are rushing me! Of course, I want to hide my excitement when I was there.

Yesterday, a thought came to me. We were advised to read the cases thrice or many times util we understand it. Good thing this mentor said that we can go with whatever way we prefer. See, we were told to make an initial reading, a secondary reading and a third one, where you make notes. I can happily do that. But with the time limit provided, it is not actually advisable. So what I do now, is read and make notes already. I use a very big piece of paper so that I can draw arrows and make emphasis on all those important matters. I did it and it worked. Thank God I found a way.

In classes, I realized that the variety of post grad courses we had gave us both disadvantages and advantages. As for me, I know I am used to competition and time constraint. I am also an expert in computing my grades and weighing the possibilities and finding a strategy for survival. The thing is I placed myself in a world, completely different from where I used to be. Here, I know nothing and I am nothing. It thrills me more.

With this kind of schedule, I thought of stopping blogging, facebooking, twittering and you tubing (pardon my terms) for a while. I realized that I cannot for this is the beauty of my present life. I will do everything in my power to make time a space as wide as the sky. I pray to God that he may give me wisdom to do this. So there you have it.

I hope that my readers feel a sense of similarity with me. See, I know that all of us had been or will still be stuck in the midst of boredom to the point of having no reason to live. I think that it is okay as long as the feeling it temporary. I just got out of it. And it is still euphoric. I believe that I went to that dark place because I never knew what I want and what I have to do with my life. There were a lot of answers and other possible answers and it was very confusing. Its just now that I realized that we just have to do what we want and life will come out as beautiful as the rainbow. See, in the law school, they were all questioning our determination and pushing us towards our limits. Indeed the question is about our determination. I think it is fear that pulls us backward. There are a different kinds of fear ad we all know that. And if you are like me, who just came out from a dark hole, you must know that fear is the devil itself. And the devil wants to take your soul depriving you from all the good things in life- the bright side. Would you want that? would you want to lose to the devil who was lost himself with his own thoughts? I think rationality dictates that human beings are survivors. We can.We can all make it if we believe. Well, there will be failures but the question is not always how, where, what. It is when you rise up.

FREEZE

There are those moments are just too vague to describe. That is when you are put to shame. Like you just realized that you stepped on a dog poo only that point of time in realizing it, is agonizingly  prolonged.
I do not know how to describe shame but I do know what it does to a person afterwards. It becomes a driving force to rev up our energy to go charging again.

PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME AND LET ME KNOW

Everything in this life is likened to a song. It ends but you can play it again if you want to or you move on to the next thing on the list of things-to-do. Recently, I have encountered a failure from something that I have much prepared for. But I was also recognized for something I do best. So now, I think I have a strategy of getting over all these and that is the secret of preparation. They made it clear, very clear not to barge in unprepared. Like no guns in a war, or no bullets even so we have guns. Now, I am trying to practice fast comprehension and time management. I pray the God will help me through this. I cannot do this alone.

Actually, what inspires me most is the stories of survival they kept on telling us. I think that is a way to tell us "shame on you if yo cannot make it." Because they all have different stories of how they made it in the legal world. And every one of them are amazing. So from now on, I must do away from too much nonsense. I know I spent much time reviewing what happened to my day before, while I lie on my bed at 10 in the morning. I cannot forget also how I became so bitter with what happened to me. I used to be so proud of making things that meant nothing, personally or finding meaning in what I do. Life should be how we want it to be. And if you are not yet there go get it. I was so inspired by one of my mentors who told us that there is no reason to give up when you know what you want. There is no obstacle that you cannot hurdle in this life. I feel humbled and shamed. Because I used to be all about complains. Now, I have this one chance to do what I love most. Wrong, I have all the chances while I am breathing still.

There goes my song. I will move on.

don't give up

LIFTED = EXTINGUISHED

My head is taking things really slow. So slow that I cannot keep up with the pace of life. I hate it. Then there are this people who talk about how they hurdled their way in the race of life and they prospered. It makes me pull my head down it can touch the ground. I have a very stress free life and there is nothing relevant about me.

Awhile ago, I was called to speak for the class. I do not know the language that you are using. I am aware that it was very irresponsible of me. I do not know what I am saying and what that meant. I have heard that word a lot of times but I never cared to know what it meant. This realization makes me want to kneel on the ground and crawl my way outside, because of the shame. Dear God I want this so bad.

TODAY

I am still overwhelmed at this path I embarked. This first few steps that I am taking makes me shiver in the face of uncertainty, fear and doubt. What am I doing here? I wonder. But I did this to satisfy the intense desire of having a reason f existence. To be able to be of service to my co-habitants in this world.

A while ago, we were bombarded with the horrors we are about to face in law school. Or is this just an exaggerated reaction on my part because I never took things seriously in the undergrad and getting serious is seriously difficult. I used to pass because I calculated the chances well. But where I am now, is the other part of the world. This is indeed the challenge of life. I am so aroused at this point of the competition. Indeed, I have been sleeping for too long taking in life like it is a walk in the park. One serious problem, I never really took anything seriously before because, I never wanted them so bad. My fear of failure is my drive to push forward but that was just for the competition- the essence of surviving. I have zero knowledge about where I am right now. This requires me to change the strategy on everything that I mastered. This is bad. It makes my pace slow.

So, I really have to work hard on this. Because indeed, God gave me this opportunity to do what I love most everyday and that is to read and write. I will make sure that I will do my best to discipline myself (something that I have never tried) on time management. Actually, I am also reading John Grisham novels to heighten the mood while I do my case digests and it helps. I also included watching movies and television series about the legal world in my strategy. But then, I have to credit the "strategy-building" to my younger brother, who suddenly slapped me with these words- winning is not always the most important thing, its the strategy. Imagine that. I brain's functions froze for a moment from the shame of focusing on the prize. I have to admit that my brother has a better insight about winning. But I will say it again I am still lost in the middle of my frustrations, anger and this new found passion.

May the grace of God be always my guide in every endeavor that I involve myself in. And I shall submit to his word and offer him everything I will reap.

IN PRISON

My interest on the principles behind imprisonment begun when I went there, for academic purposes. Indeed they are there to be disciplined. But when we talk about discipline, it is much more understood if we refer to children. How do we do this with grown-ups who committed crimes like murder, rape or theft for a mistake? Indeed, the discipline they render in prison is much more complicated but simple. Discipline is just for children but these people are disciplined to be reminded that like children when they do something wrong.

I met a few people there. They told me their crimes and the years they are serving there. I had a few sensible conversations but I cannot go away from the others who are deprived of their carnal desires for a long period of time. Inside I saw cut-outs of women in magazines posted on the walls. There were a lot of them.

Also, I did notice the way they act and think. They are brilliant people. Brilliance that is so overwhelming that committing a crime seemed right. But it was just a mistake. Unless it was repeatedly done then let them rot there.

Why am I talking about this? Because I realized that I have imprisoned myself in bitterness and self-loathing in the past years. I realized now that I do remember that person who was vibrant and full of life. Never scared and always moving forward. People used to hate me because I was loud and I did not care. Now nobody notices or sees me. Back in highschool I told myself that I will be a billionaire but it all faded to hopelessness and other things. I dug myself a grave to bury my real self. I even thought of really killing myself and guess what. In this world, it did not matter if I die. and I am not the person who gets satisfied with that.

 I am just so grateful of the divine being, who have been guiding me and all those who prayed for me. I will forever be indebted to you.

I am free.

ON CALLIGRAPHY

She told us that it is preferable if we have nice-looking penmanship. And she implied in an example that we could resort to learning calligraphy. So I googled it and it was --- i do not know what to say. My first impression would be, this is a way of discipline. It requires the learner a lot of things but the results are worth it. Well, I only noted a a few things that I could use in writing normally, not necessarily learning calligraphy by heart.

1. a good posture: sitting erect with the feet properly planted on the floor. This is for the purpose of stability.
2. using the muscles of the arm and not the fingers. Those are only used for gripping on the pen. I must say on my first practice, I had muscle pains.

This is a good practice for muscle coordination and that of the mind.

***

IN A TIME OF HAVING RANDOM THOUGHTS

 ***

Dear Love,

I hope you will have the patience with me throughout this lifetime

I pray that we both have faith in God to grace us with a strong foundation

Tell us something about your love (a question thrown to Sophie in Letters to Juliet, can I be Sophie now?) :

Well, let me begin with love. When I was younger, I have always wondered what love is. Right now, I still cannot fully explain what it means but I know that I am in love when I am with him. I know that distance stretches its hands to keep us away from each other. But distance does not define distance when we speak of the heart. I always feel his presence all the time. I love him so much.

 ***

Awhile ago, I was with Kharissa. And we  talked about a lot of stuff. I learned that she has been praying for me and I believe that I helped me come out from the quicksand I was in. See, I have lost the drive for almost a decade. That is why I find it difficult to concentrate now and focus. My brain have been used to denying everything ever since. This became a disadvantage. I am really trying so hard. 

I realized that in the past I have developed habits that were self destructive. I have to say I hated everyday of my life before but then I have to live it so I tried to survive without really feeling alive. Among my practices were multi-tasking. I believe that my ability to focus declined due to severe multi-tasking. I used to do a lot of things at the same time like studying, listening to music and stopping again to watch the television or do another task. I did survive those and was able to pass my pre-grad for that but nothing retained. I never enjoyed any of it. That was why I even thought of committing suicide because I never had that will to live, because I never loved what I was doing. I find it sad that I have wasted a lot of years sulking in one side and forcing myself to kill the passions that are screaming inside me. I now realize that I should have fought vigorously. Then, I would have lived a satisfying life. Or that I should have adjusted the situation so that I could still do what I want.

In the book that I am currently reading, Good Omens by Teri Pratchett  and Neil Gaiman there were the demons who were showing off ther efforts on trying to tempt people so that the will turn away from goodness. Well, this could be happening in real life, the forces of evil only present us situations that could make us deviate from the right path. The meaning of free will comes in, we all have a choice. Indeed these situations are sometimes blamed for the consequences in doing evil. But why do we blame the evil or the situation when the decision came from us. See these pawns of satan are just trying to do their job, we let them succeed. So, in relation to my situation, I know that what happened to me was my fault. But I am still grateful that I have learned. And that through this I have acknowledged the will of the Lord that guided me to where I am now.