HIM

he can break my heart, he can tear me apart, unknowingly, unconsciously.

*i miss my blog

i saw him once, i was figuring out where i saw him. his face was so familiar but i can't think if i know him. (second life?)
he noticed me,
i think we were both busy figuring out who was the other. so, that was it. whenever i see him, i keep on catching him looking at me, or vice versa?

i do not know. so. great right? one time i was so frustrated to see him, that i went to school for that. then i saw him. at the other side of the court, he was in an Indian sit. he was with other friends, who were uhmm-

i know we both know each other. i know we both know. i have no idea what his name is, or what he is taking up. i just know that he has dark brown eyes, really dark, almost black. he's an athlete, volleyball i think. he's taller than me(great!). he knows me!!!

sadly that is all that i know at the moment. i see him sometimes with one of my classmates in highschool, i do not know if they were buddies. that is all i know.

one thing that i am hilarious about is that i think about him before i get to sleep(hah! how corny can i get?) well, he just have the eyes that dig deeper in the soul. the eyes that makes one feel that your the only one in the room. (who doesn't want that?) i reaaly felt it.

i read what Will Devaughn does if he likes a girl - he looks at her, and gives her the sweetest smile. haaaaahaaa

i really think i have to meet him(my guy), but that would be Jurassic years from now. its so sad. well, i just like that guy. maybe similar to the like-bernard thing that vanished in thin air after everybody said ugh-.

anyways, it is Christmas, i wish it would be God's most precious gift to me.


what if i do not know him
what if he doesn't care?
well,
i'll just sTaY here. and be happy
whatever you say.

ASSUMING ROLES

you can rip away all my thorns if you want to,
you can stab me
you can kill me

but how come?
nothing is happening to me.

so today ended with so much thoughts on everything. too much stress i must say that i am not smiling anymore. i have always believed in "assuming roles". you see, in this life, some people would try everything in their power to tear you down. that is their ROLE. some would try to lift you up. some would try to comfort you. others, would just witness. this is the principle of "assuming roles"(my own!!!). we play a part in everything that we do. however in this principle, it would be our own very personal choice on what part would we play.
and if you look around you. everyone seem to be just like you- assuming a role.
of course everybody wants to be somebody. this comes hand in hand with greed, selfishness among others. if we look closely we would see that these words are synonymous.

why am i saying this? because it hurts that people assume a role that you never expect them to play. when all those times, you have been doing your part. i realized that no bond should be considered in this life. because even within families, where we all perceive to be secured, we are smashed. i say smashed because that's what really happens if you held on to something that suddenly dropped you. you, my dear reader, might oppose. but it can happen. to anyone.

i am just truly disappointed on the way things came out. thoroughly disgusted by the way people acted. because i thought i should never be that way. well, at least i already saw the devil in disguise(sorry) who smiled in triumph when the victors of pestering surfaced. i was surprised, or should i say shocked. they devil showed it self to me, on broad daylight. i must say i feared, because her power was overwhelming. but i was not broken. she just shook me. (because no one can break walls) i know my faith was too weak. (a while ago when i went to church, i said sorry to the Almighty, because maybe i cannot say that he is my life, i cannot yet say that i have faith, for that i am truly sorry) as was seen in my encounter with the devil, my eyes opened to so many things. why would she play the part of the devil in my life? please do not think that i am judging her. i do not want to claim that i am righteous. this post is not about me, but solely of her. i know she tried to kill me. she did not succeed. never in my life had i been challenged. but what were her chances? i do not care. never did i care about her, and never will i care again.

in her life, i would just play the part of a witness, i am sorry. for that i hope that i am no longer angry at this point. i would like to thank my friends, whom i will always love, even if i think they are not the loving persons- for being their. i would like to extend my faith to God, whom i hope to serve(i think faith is innate). and to her, the devil, who scathed my ever fragile heart. lately i lost the skill- to "not cry. for now i will try to practice it again.

maybe there are some who had the same experience. please know that they just assume roles. that should leave you unscathed rather, stronger. great day.

i would have cursed you
but i cannot step on a lower ground
while i scream of class
you rot with cheapness
sorry
i expressed. because i cannot talk to you
you won't understand

ASSORTED =)

my instructor:

oh. i do not know what to say. i think she in ___ is teaching the wrong things. WRONG. well, not totally wrong but, i must say that disorders that result from consumption of foods are caused by prolonged excessive or deficient food intake. right? while she was discussing, i was like "whatta heck? i think she should emphasize on the "prolonged" word. i mean the body can work it out if the situation is just minimal. it would be wrong to say things just like that without being so sure. another thing is athrosclerosis would not be caused by a major over consumption of carbs. grr- i know there are other things about that but then, she should say them right? she must not just say that excessive consumption of carbs would result to atherosclerosis. great. i cannot say that i am better than her, i just know those things, how sad that my other classmates would be deprived of certain knowledges. but i think it is their responsibility to read more.

my classmates:

i have this really cute classmate but i am a bit worried about myself. this classmate is a girl. call me a lesbo. eww- i don't mean that being a lesbo is gross. am i having a personality disorder here? grr! i still like guys though. well, i think this classmate has the face of a bitch and the friends who are also bitches. no, i do not think i could join them because i am an elite bitch, there's a difference.
i have a korean classmate who knows a lot of english- needs no more tutoring. so she got a high score in our quiz a while ago- grr. (this guy beside me reeks of stale smooke) at least there is a competition. however how can i enjoy the subject with a teacher who ___ in teaching wrong infos.
the guys in our room are so barbaric, i must say, or uncivilized(no less than that) most of them are polite though. i was just bothered a while ago one of them partially removed his shirt throughout the whole class, in a way that is totally not pleasing. they were cheating- but i can say that i am far better in cheating than them. spell AMATEURSSS
the girls: are CERTIFIED VIRGINS!!!

enough of them

***

i was so disapponted yesterday- he **************. enough of him too. i think i must go.

for now i love life for what it is, and how it is. great day

UNSEX ME- shakespeare

i tried. tried to - but i failed. i hated failing you know, since then defeat was always there. you too. you- ruined everything, until now. " i thought it was me." sometimes i always think that it is not always other people, sometimes it is just you. this is not the only thing that i do not understand. i had always been there for you, i stayed when you seemed to flood the world with your tears, i stayed when they left you, i was there when nobody was there for you. no- i am not asking for any pay-backs...

i am now listening to Everything by michael Buble- currently my favorite song. i miss my friend who i know can sing this for me in front of a crowd. (hah! ). i said "unsex me" because people around me want to control me. or that people want to change the course of my world. they want to stop my world. they want me to die. i say die because my life is my happiness, without it i am nothing but dead. so what makes me happy then? - everything- the sun that rises, the moon , the stars -everything, i sound corny(i guess)

i have just heard the now-famous soundtrack of the upcoming movie of Twilight- Decode by Paramore. i must say it is so vampirish. well, of course the singer is a being with a great voice. i have read that Pattinson wrote a song for the movie, it was "never think"?- sometimes i wish it was that easy,- do something , make it happen.

i have just seen "that" and i am so disappointed. sometimes i wish i could say that i am a stone, a rock, a boulder, a mountain. but i am but a human. still, a human. i cried myself one night for everything that i have kept inside me. for everything that i have suppressed within. i have a lot of questions. a lot of negations that i would want to scream to other people. i think it would be wrong to say that i am a pessimist rather, i must say that i am realistic. ayt? i hated everything. snd sometimes, being a writer- it sucks that we have to see things differently, this is so hard. to be strong when you are weak. when nothing could be done. i hate it, when things do not go my way, when things fail for those whom i love so much- grr- enough of that.

i said Unsex me by shakespeare because i regret some things. if only it is possible to "Unsex". it is so funny, there was this thing, this guy that i liked so much- well, he likes someone. and this other guy (well, i like a lot of guys.-i mean when i see one its so easy to like him right>?. so i found out that the other guy was a gay, and the other didn't like me and i don't know why. uhum!!!

i miss him. i wish time flies back. i wish i could've done something at least. i hope. i think there's something wrong with me, with the way i release my emotions. i think... but i just can't be weak. i mean crying is weak. hate it. by the way this is good bye. bye blog.

A NIGHT AT ALBERTO'S

we, submerge ourselves in a pool of our own thoughts- our own universe.
when we grieve, our tears flow, consumating the remaining sanity we hands still have. them (sanity) slowly escaping from our fingers like sands of time. but-

but the world can never understand these. so we conceal what should be kept as a secret- morose...
hey! do not think like that. do not ever think differently of yourself. i still smell those humid tears that stained your being. i saw. i know.

***

THE PARTY

"it started in the morning

when the other girls were asleep

we swayed with the music

sweat flowing with our hips."

one thing i never understood. one thing i have just known. the world is so different from what i have known, you know. i saw them. and the thing is, they never gave a fuzz about the things that i have cared for so much. people are different. there was a moment right there and there that i wanted to stop and just stare at the people around me. they were all lost. i mean, we were all lost. while dancing with the rest of the people i felt lost in the middle of everything. the world was really different out there. it was fun. time, was not even running. we never thought of time. but worry came when the bar started to close. the day ended and the sun shall soon rise. (that time it was already 4 am) however, in that kind of world- it started to sleep but the real one was already waking up. the real one is where we belong. but the other world has taken so much of us already- there's nothing left to give. i am so sorry for those who were compromised by such actions. we thought nobody cared, did anyone? ( i just realized that i was almost awake for two straight days!)

later, on the second part of that day, i told someone that i know a place where we can fish some guys(*sorry, i'm not used to saying names- been there) well, a place where guys are easy but... she/he said that it is not what she was trying to find. in return, i told her that you can't be that- nothing can be serious now. but i do understand your point. for me, i just won't be that. i am so sorry, maybe, for myself. maybe i am still shocked from what i saw- two people completely as one then after that, two people gone. i shall not curse their actions because that is what reality is, i mean. my dear friend, i would have wanted to ask "what was that?" they ruined my "firsts". i shall refuse to believe- if you say that such thing still exists. for now i think i would just enjoy life, for what it is, not for what it never had.(end)

***

i think i must have to pause from my addictions- it nearly had me killed. /died. i suddenly had a hyperventilation together with a crazy head ache along with a nausea and nearly vomitting series. i really felt bad that time, i was even alone. well, i think some people might be happy for me. god that feeling sucked! i won't ever dare to feel that again. maybe- /

***

today, i am really happy with my life. at least. my theories are true, (i just proved them) when you are sad, you go deep to that emotion, like you shall submerge yourself in that. you'd either, be sadder, or be bored being sad. sometime you'll find a way how to be happy

NARCISSSS- WHAT?

lately, i had been exposed to an environment, clearly not my own. i wanted to go back to the world i belong but i have to finish this course now. i can't just return for those people. must i say that the people around me are so "UNCOOL". except for some though. however, things have been so funny, really crazy.

must i say that i have the coolest friends in the world but not entirely the best. i mean this. define cool: we go to parties; movies; we talk about boys, sex, love, hate, gossips, fashion, beauty- everything, i do not know a single thing that we did not yet talk about. above all- we are all beautiful. (dang, if you guys read this, -idunno) actually i am not lying, i do not usually brag. i am just stating facts.( maybe you want to see us sometimes) oh- i am just talking like this because i miss the so much. as if they took civilization right now and here i am, in a Jurassic era.

for some to understand- i just shifted to another course. well, hell you care but my parents and i think some of my relatives are fuzzing about it. whatta? if you think i have thrown away my future, think again THIS IS MY LIFE. i was saying, - my current classmates are utterly uncool, except for some i'll say again. just basing it on the preferences on music(brrr_), fashion, and there is not a single handsome HOT appealing guy i have seen. man! what is life without that?! oh-well, however i became the most beautiful. of course to them i am a hybrid.(ha-ha)

ok. so yesterday i was with kyps, miken and audrey(a friend of theirs) and i saw my groupmates tam, rea, jaki, ronald, andrei and some friends greta, ferdie, celes, and the rest. oh! i saw audrey vudine. happy to see her god! such beautiful people!!! i mean i must miss them. i am not saying that all the people in my new environment is ugly. this is what we call "GENERALIZATION" ok? blame the ugly ones, they ruin everything. by the way ,when i said ugly- i mean, those frivolous, synthetic, really culpable characters of today's world. get it?
i see fake pips now. or i just don't want to be around anyone. because i am hating everything. ha! i love life. i can't imagine, yesterday, i associated myself with an "egg"? how the? well the drama's over i think i cried enough so that's the end of it. why did i cry? -people always leave- peyton sawyer.

at least i do have some movies to watch and some books to read. these past days i have that stupid trips- that i won't talk about because i'll shame myself if i do. i have a classmate who pronouced "pillars" as "pelars". whatta? and i don't know if this guy is stupid because... can i not continue this? i feel guilty i think i should not laugh about other's weaknesse, the fact that i am a great and a nice beautiful person at that. so well i think i'll try to start bonding with the guys . i remember i have a cute classmate! but he's younger. hu-hu.who cares. tonight i am GOING TO PARTY!!!! YAHOO!- SO i think it will be a great day, since i'll see a lot of hot guys tonight and the morning. party til morning!- no, i am not a flirt , imagine i am single- and this is the fun part. ciao dear blog

NO SURFING PORNO!!!!

must i say that i am so proud of Laurice! - well, she took these pictures. great shots right? way-to-go!!!

by the way their not real Levis models- Eloisa and Wynster













pain is inevitable. no matter what happens, whatever we do. it is. who am i to say that i can take your miseries. when you yourself inflict them to yourself. there is a lot of colors in this world. yet you fail to acknowledge them. you claim that you can banish everything. but you yourself is unhappy. you yourself is dull. for how can you paint a picture without the life?
must you understand me?- no. shall i ask for that? no. why in the world would you care anyway. nobody cares now. NOBODY.

so instead of talking about my stupid thoughts that did nothing but drag me down. here's what i say. where is the boyfriend that i have been looking for?. sadly, must i say, TRAGICALLY, my school is not a brooding area of handsome men. well, there are some exemptions though..it is funny that they say all good men are taken. WHATTA? well i do not think so. they are just lost.
but why am i looking for a boyfriend? here it is:

a. someone to talk to? - i guess i just miss my friends.
b. someone..

oh well there are times that i realize that i am just saying that i need a boyfriend. well. i don't think so. since, i know that i am not u-g-l-y nor am i anything people don't want me to be.

***

PEOPLE REVIEW!

hi. Mrs. Luvim Bilango was my teacher in Pharmacology. well, i won't talk of the other things but here's what i say: she is among the best teachers of this age. hail-her! (she's the woman in the pic) and the kid beside her is her son, whom she is so proud of. i must say that if ever i am going to be a teacher , i am going to be like her. i think i liked her because she has that glorious happy aura enveloping her. i really don't care if she won't remember me forever. but at least she did something in her life. she is a great person. -when i say great person- it doesn't mean she isn't human anymore. i may not know anything about her but her- being a good mentor. she is a human too. (looks)

we call ourselves- tanaaan! KAZY QUA!. KAZY: from kazy gals- derived from crazy girls(so that it won't be too flaunting) "kazy gals used to be "KADARK" k-harissa a-arlene d-dharyl a-abigayle r-rhealyn k-karen. however, in highschool things usually get tough- like having different classes (that time, being separated is already tough) and i guess dharyl said that the "dark" in KADARK is a bit dark? i just can't say she means demonic. but i already said that. so when we went to second year i met these girls:(picture L-R) mary rose, mariz, jo-anne, gerlyn, and me with the stupid smile! .

know that everyone of us are burdened by our desire to help. not that we pity, not that we play philanthropists- but just staying there being with them. that is why i wish i am that rich. i hope i would be.

***
what if's

a lot of what if's
what if i never read jorge and kach
what if i never texted him
what if i never smoked
what if i never went to that screening
what if i just did it
what if i just flirted
what if i never said that
what if i showed i care
what if i never went there
what if i never stayed
what if i never cared
what if i never saw that
then i should've never loved writing
what if i never cried.
what if i never lived
what if i did die
what if she never came
what if my heart stopped
what if i could give life
what if i could be God
what if he truly loved me
what if he never did
what if he showed he cared
what if i prayed
what if i stopped?
what if i questioned
what if i stood up
mine should have been rekindled.
mine should have stayed
maybe like sand running through my fingers
i know you will always go away

"SHALL I CONDEMN THE SUNRISE-

for ending the dawn/ because everywhere it touches its where my heart is torn

***

maybe, i left without any explanation. maybe that was what i have wanted all along. its not great that you do not understand me/ or any of part of me. it has never been great.

it was never easy to be in another world. but that, you never understood. you never did- i do not know if you ever will. sometimes i say that it is better this way- so that when i leave, it will not be that hard for you. well, i do not know if i will ever leave. because i would not like never seeing the sun shine again. or you faces beaming with life.

i would have wanted to write a better subject. a bit happier maybe. i had been trying to be happier. i had wanted to be happier. but i shall ask- could a flower ,stay as it is, after being smashed- brutally trampled?- i would not know how to answer my own questions. but i want to know the answer.
***
i did wish that i would lose my sanity or just pretend. i do not know if i was the cause of your dour. because when i learned that it was i. you wouldn't want to imagine how befallen i was. all i wanted was you to be happy. but how could that be possible when every time i see you - you stay there. you never moved from where i left you.

i wish i could just cry. but suppressing my emotions is a skill i have recently perfected- by acting completely numb, by escaping. it was the only way- i know you will never understand. but i am not like you i shall continue to understand you- i really am far different from all of you. maybe because i have learned a lot from him.

you see i completely understand this torture inflicted on me. your piercing words, and the rest. i shall endure it all. that is how much i love you all, you know. i shall stay.

remember? that night- i failed. i failed to be that person. i realized that i cannot be that person because i cannot control everything. -you see, to write, to teach, i have my ways. everything laid in front of me. all i shall do is act. that night- everything was gray. would you understand that i have wanted to do anything. because i know you would be saddened. i know you would grieve. and the rising urge to take all your pains overwhelmed me. but- there's nothing for me to do. but- weep.

***

until now, i can still hear the screams, the sobs, everything. i had always wanted to be a superhero. that was how much i love you all.

so i thought. if- if i change my life , i can always do something.

i know you are still grieving but i am grieving too. my life- i have always planned what to do in my life. i have tried it to be adjustable for any change. but that change i cannot take. to be a superhero, there must always be something. and i know it. i have to do it.

because when you are a nurse, you cannot banish their pain, you cannot give them life- you just stay. yet you make their life more meaningful, more humane. i am so sorry but all i can give to those people is sympathy. i cannot even expunge everything that makes them miserable, which is what i always do. i thought if i could wipe the pain in their face i would- but i couldn't. i just couldn't.

***

you must know that i cannot do it anymore. because life is cruel. you cannot keep me from doing what i want.

i must do this. you told me once that i must have a goal. i must do something. i know that there's always something but this is not it.

***

however, you must know that i am very content now. i found the happiness here. i am doing it. all i want is for you to be happy. i cannot say how much i love you. but since then i have always been trying to. if i cannot take away those pains. let me do it in another way. let me live my life. then , i shall show you. let me breathe a little. because i am in pain too.

always,

arlene

MY MAN

-i saw a guy yesterday.
-i am bored. well. I HAVE NOT SEEN HIM lately and im becoming too frustrated about that. ok. - so this guy, i was with my mom and my sister. then, well can i start with what i want to say first>? well, i am sure he won't even remember me. because people seldom memorize faces they just see. but i don't. well i wonder if - he was the guy. uhmm- enough of that. the main funny thing was that our eyes locked for more than three seconds. and like it was our first time to see each other. after the three seconds it ended and we continued to live our lives,

0-im pissed , maybe because i am disappointed, with people- she's such a liar. sometimes how can you stay being that person when you're with such great actresses and well-you try to act in return, but you are not that. and then suddenly you'll realize that everyone in this world does that-FAKE.

oh well- arlene, you're better than the rest , better than her, and you know that. who cares if their weak, or they have to pretend to catch attention, basta arlene you arE YOU.



i miss astro- if his that brainy will he know its him? maybe he's like___ you know- the horror in my what if's . argh.
i could have had a boyfriend. funny, yesterday Marie said he needs a boyfriend to have someone carry her things. then a roar of laughter erupted. Elemar related her "_" experience at GaGAMBA? girl, i wanna go and see too- anyways, i'll go there i swear. shocks. bye now. lot of time searching for you-i know. you miss me too?

_hey ten things i try to find in a guy!!
1.stares!(i need to know i'm stunnting!)
2. touches the right places!
3. cute/ handsome/ appealing- KNOCK-OUT smile above all.
4. talleeerrrr. i know someone!!!
5. uhmm that's all

* i know i said ten but. i am still thinking of the rest. well i know this is fantasy. haha- i hope you know that too








FYI. the pictures are: me and khariz , i think in another mcdo night.
and my t-shirt painting ever absento-consepto. oh-well


*** kyps !~ ugh! the thing is he's so slow! and really. i have been waiting. at the moment the thing's with him. his fault. grr- im waiting adi!!! whatta!!!

HE LIKED ME!!!

HAD i known that that is that- then i should have been happy.
had i known then i should have never looked down at myself.
why have you been so stupid. why??? in sanest sense have you been so numb and dull!!!

or- what the!. why? why in the world have you been so stupid? when i thought that you were so perfect! when everything in this world is all about you!. well, i should have been serious if that was you. my thoughts would have been intact. my principles saved. why??? you are the dumbest person in this whole freakin' world. i should have given everything!!! i should have done anything.

if only- if only you were that-. i should have loved you.- with all my heart- but you didn't

why in the world? -he wouldn't have ruined everything. i know i have my own share of stupidity. why? why in the world? i would give anything to turn back time! anything for you to come back. -anything

he like me! so sad that i have just known. if only - back then when i was still among the happiest people on earth- back when i was still different. i would've felt how it is to be happy- but
but you didn't move. why in the world? now i hate you too- i know you will never come back. one thing i know is that- -i-a-m far- BETTER than anyone and you know that. you were so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -if only you can come back but you can't and you won't . i felt that i thought it was the sand that slipped through my fingers. i thought it wasn't you- the sun that first touched me. but you were just never there. you never said you would . even if i thought you would. or- what the??? my heart was torn- if only you were there - then i should have never been hurt myself, if only -dang! i hate you for being dumb!- and never shall i say this again- never should i be this - i hate you and your kind.

_me in my if onlys .

UNCONVENTIONAL PHOTOGRAPHY

friendss
from the top


sitting


seeking'


drawing


seeking

curling cups!
cutting sides

-

anything under the sun

what have you seen in your life?
have you seen people suffer? killed? tortured? raped? abused in the most inhumane way
have you felt other's pain? have known how they feel? have you?
what do you know about other people's lives?
haven't you judged them? and cursed them?
haven't you?

if not- what do you know then?

well i do believe that all of us have our own share of pain. but that never gave us the grounds to speak. why - why sometimes we think highly of ourselves, you- especially you. what do you think of yourself. you cannot speak that way if you never knew their pains- or any of that.

***

"i first thought he's not worth it; then i realized that it was i who was not right for him"-kypler and aileen

this is a couplet- i think. love, love- tedious.

what in the world do we do for it?- stupidity- super maudlin that leads to insanity. which is, in the end, not worth it. but people risk everything. hoping. wishing, waiting for falling stars in a cloudy sky -as if they see it. this is what i hate. why in the world do we still hope od happy-endings? i think they are hilarious jokes. sorry- am i being a cynic? well. i have seen enough-mistakes. so don't expect me to make them.

***
i saw how much they were in love with each other. then suddenly it ended just like that-

people tell me some secrets- i would not know what to say but i just listen- because that's the best thing to do. i figured out once that when somebody leans on you- do not bring out your problems too. instead, as i have said, just listen. then tell them they can do it- or everything happens for a reason and the like.

the thing with me is - i am easily influenced by everything they say. back in highschool few people tell me anything- its because i do much of the talking. well i miss those days. i cannot forget that person who called me and my peers " sayet" well obviously she used the word erroneously because "sayet" means flirts- we're not flirts. just irrationally noisy. oh how i miss those days. when life was so fun -i miss my old self- too strong, so sure of the world, and brave. whatta-

i was saying. -my friends. problems. <> sometimes their words stab me. and i have that hero-thing in me, you know fighting for others even if i am not actually involved. and that i am easily influenced -see, i do not leave people who need me, or that i think they need me. even i am the one compromised . even if i am the one always left alone. i still stay- maybe because my greatest blessing was having "some" great friends and a stone of a heart. why stone?- well at least i can pretend.

***

ha! this is the part that i regret most in my life. well -she said that there are a lot in this world . you cannot write something if you never felt it- sometimes it should not be just about you. place yourself in the shoes of others then- write about them. she said"do not just write about that; a person reading that would not know what to do -say something about solutions" -

i sought for bleeding and i have found it- and all the rest. when in the first place i should be graduating next year and become a nurse- and be rich- well, why is there a philanthropist in me!!!<>

***
i would like to apologize to those whom i had greatly disappointed. but i myself is on the process of proving something to you and to myself. grr- hey and i wanna brag- i got high scores!!! BRAGG- well nobody's hot in any of my classes well i do not really care -and i won't kill myself anymore. since there's a lot in this world for me to do- even if you keep on stopping them. i know i don't talk much now because sometimes i wish you would figure out that all i want is for you to understand and be happy for me. and just give me a chance- i cannot hate for not letting me go for what i want.because you are the one whom i love most in this world. but i think that i should do what i do best. i know you have dreams for me.but i really feel that it seemed that i am not living my life.-the sole reason that i almost died- don't you see? i know i am not practically speaking here with all my sentiments.but i thought that this is how i want to live my life. wouldn't you let me do that?

SIN

i first thought, maybe Jose's a pervert. or just an avid fan of Freud. but since he writes too well and since i am learning a lot from him, he's not a perv. most of his books have that flavor of sexuality though, but it is always crafted in a different way that always posses -reality. i mean i think everyone of us has skeletons to hide right? but the thing is- it's like this author slaps naked truth to his readers. -in "Sin"- the book contained a lot of things that i think even the church won't accept-too much of incest, lust, desire, -evil?. but whatever it is i think that we all have to know these because they happen! !!!

well, it is kind of difficult praising our national artist because i do not usually do that. however i believe i can relate much from his obscurity- because people who can write things are the people who have seen much or maybe they just think complicatedly..

***i have not yet finished reading the book but the end is near. there are just a few things that really stabbed me.

1. weakness- nothing will ever happen to you if you go to where the wind blows
2. greed- in a way, we are all greedy
3. morality- is there such a thing?
4. be cunning- that goes with greed.
5. love- its not always that
6. life- meaning.
7. men have their downfall -we all have- death

well what more can i say? - read his books they're all great.

SEEKING BOTTLED alive BUTTERFLIES

hi. since this blog is my new bestfriend i'm going to tell the day's "happenings". well, i miss my hate posts-but i decided to eradicate them completely because it costs a lot. hate posts must be banished sinceit hurts other people. but i will try not to hate today.
however, this morning, i saw cynics, bastards, criminals- too rude to call them those but well i can't say names. i am trully sorry for that.

well, this morning, my sitmate, who is a girl and i do not like her already, rolled her eyes-at me? i do not even know her!!! well maybe she was one of those "enemies" of mine. still i smiled at her

last November one, in celebration of all saints day, my family and i went to visit my grandfather, and grandmother, then we went to my lolo's house and we ate lunch there. since most of my relatives are converted vegetarians- the food was healthy: veggie salads, lots of them and the only meat in the table was !!! chicken. i really like how my aunts and cousins prepare the food. you know, they have the passion for that. i hope you see that i also have a share in the work, like, uh mm-slicing? merely watching and others.

we also have those superstitions that i would not elaborate since i am not a fan of that. well, i think some of it are true. and something bothers me, i always see a butterfly, moth of the same shape. i saw those before my lolo died. creepy- am i going to die or there are just lots of butterflies or moths alive these days. it makes me so sad to remember my grandfather- because again i feel the urge of giving life but having no power to do it. that sucks right? well im doing good right now. i do.

CURRENTLY, i am reading Sionil's "sin". and i am reading four books. like duh how weird could i get? since life is not that fun anymore and classes are easy? and classmates are- well, their - well. i do not like to talk about them in my blog.

hey! my big crush on someone is fading! because i am hating men again for hurting lots of people, and i cannot think of the possibility of me falling for a girl because that is -hideous. i am just happy that now i am getting what i want. who doesn't want that for me-them.