"SHALL I CONDEMN THE SUNRISE-

for ending the dawn/ because everywhere it touches its where my heart is torn

***

maybe, i left without any explanation. maybe that was what i have wanted all along. its not great that you do not understand me/ or any of part of me. it has never been great.

it was never easy to be in another world. but that, you never understood. you never did- i do not know if you ever will. sometimes i say that it is better this way- so that when i leave, it will not be that hard for you. well, i do not know if i will ever leave. because i would not like never seeing the sun shine again. or you faces beaming with life.

i would have wanted to write a better subject. a bit happier maybe. i had been trying to be happier. i had wanted to be happier. but i shall ask- could a flower ,stay as it is, after being smashed- brutally trampled?- i would not know how to answer my own questions. but i want to know the answer.
***
i did wish that i would lose my sanity or just pretend. i do not know if i was the cause of your dour. because when i learned that it was i. you wouldn't want to imagine how befallen i was. all i wanted was you to be happy. but how could that be possible when every time i see you - you stay there. you never moved from where i left you.

i wish i could just cry. but suppressing my emotions is a skill i have recently perfected- by acting completely numb, by escaping. it was the only way- i know you will never understand. but i am not like you i shall continue to understand you- i really am far different from all of you. maybe because i have learned a lot from him.

you see i completely understand this torture inflicted on me. your piercing words, and the rest. i shall endure it all. that is how much i love you all, you know. i shall stay.

remember? that night- i failed. i failed to be that person. i realized that i cannot be that person because i cannot control everything. -you see, to write, to teach, i have my ways. everything laid in front of me. all i shall do is act. that night- everything was gray. would you understand that i have wanted to do anything. because i know you would be saddened. i know you would grieve. and the rising urge to take all your pains overwhelmed me. but- there's nothing for me to do. but- weep.

***

until now, i can still hear the screams, the sobs, everything. i had always wanted to be a superhero. that was how much i love you all.

so i thought. if- if i change my life , i can always do something.

i know you are still grieving but i am grieving too. my life- i have always planned what to do in my life. i have tried it to be adjustable for any change. but that change i cannot take. to be a superhero, there must always be something. and i know it. i have to do it.

because when you are a nurse, you cannot banish their pain, you cannot give them life- you just stay. yet you make their life more meaningful, more humane. i am so sorry but all i can give to those people is sympathy. i cannot even expunge everything that makes them miserable, which is what i always do. i thought if i could wipe the pain in their face i would- but i couldn't. i just couldn't.

***

you must know that i cannot do it anymore. because life is cruel. you cannot keep me from doing what i want.

i must do this. you told me once that i must have a goal. i must do something. i know that there's always something but this is not it.

***

however, you must know that i am very content now. i found the happiness here. i am doing it. all i want is for you to be happy. i cannot say how much i love you. but since then i have always been trying to. if i cannot take away those pains. let me do it in another way. let me live my life. then , i shall show you. let me breathe a little. because i am in pain too.

always,

arlene