me and my hateful- frustrating thoughts

I love you. I love you so much I know I could have not made it without you.
I miss you- soo much it hurts. I told you all these. I told you everything- my doubts, my fears, my love. I thought you got tired because I was selfish I thought everything was about me. or that you have your own life now and I find it hard to fit in. I find it hard to find my place. You do not need me babe. I need a love that gives something back. You just can't. Like now, you cannot even eat your pride to talk to me. You shot me with your cold shoulder. haha.

who knows- maybe this is where it all ends. or not -if you try and I try. But you see, we are two proud people or that would be you. Someday you might find someone who can melt that pride and I will be veryhappy for you. and I will find myself someone who would look and sound crazy about me. and we would be happy too.

I just got tired you know. Tired of what we have. But don't ever say I never loved you. I always will. You will always be that special and it hurts how you treat me now. I am not the only one who's in fault for this failure. This is just disappointing very much. I hate you already.

Cheers and have a good life. :)

MORNING BLUES

Good Morning

These days we find ourselves in a reality that we never thought we'd ever be in. It feels painful. It feels depressing but people with very high self-esteems survive these times. I think I am one of them.See, there must be a certain intelligence in answering the questions: who am I? what do I do with my life? I have a few answers myself that I have carefully constructed on my mind- a few sentences maybe. And I know that they are not good. I hate the adult world.

I always think someday I will be this and that. But present reality shows that I might not be able to fulfill them all. Just sad. What is in being jobless? All the intelligence, pride and the rest behind it seems useless. I am not using them now. If I were in front of some psychologist I must ask how to deal with this. I hope she answers me with a job.

Let us start the day.

A BOX OF REALIZATION

I believe in magic, in dreams coming true and in divine presence. I believe in shooting stars, fortune cards and all the things that dare say what is contained in the future...hayyy failed writing. I have nothing else on my mind.

(restart)

I am missing something and that is doing this- thinking. I am very busy right now and I have no idea how to let some of it pour. There are some things in realization that seem to overwhelm me- that is doing things on my own. In my new world of business, I came to respect what my mother is doing- helping other people. I love it now but this was never easy because money is a serious talk. It is just sad and exasperating that I have to face some things that are very very serious, like I could go to jail or someone can skip meals if I care less. I think this is the passion in this line of work- learning how to care.

When I meet people, who are engaged in my mother's business, I try to listen to their stories, convince that they may delay the payment dues or make them understand some adjustments in deals. And it is just amazing that I am good in talking. But then, all these comes with reality and a solid block of seriousness. I realized that I am obliged to stick to deals because I will meet them all again some time in the future. Indeed, we are all a part of a very big circle and nobody knows what it is.

My greatest realization would be, knowing that everyone matters and living with passion. Passion sometimes gets tired but we just have to take that regular break for us not to wear it down- like a battery that needs charging. See, everything/everyone matters. I wish other people see it too.

the poem on the tissue paper

I tried something today. that is to find my inner peace, like in Kung Fu Panda 2. the little monkey said, you can find it when you are in emotional turmoil- not the exact words though.
this morning, I wrote the best of literature- as I call it on a piece of tissue paper that was soaked in left over coffee afterwards. I was full of anger something that I cannot control- my dear lover once said it makes me vulnerable. of course, I became suicidal again. I thought of the ways to kill myself like hangingg on a rope or shooting myself. however, I cannot have access to both since I just bought this fucking expensive clothing and splurged on some smokes, movies and food.

see, first, I have to thank Mychael Alberto for introducing, Mild Seven. I call it my therapist now. I guess I can no longer live without this.

Then I prayed for one thing. I wish I would die and relive this life. But of course that would be impossible. See, sometimes my thoughts are just plain fucking stupid that you don't dare to listen. I am hating. If you notice, I do not have a focus on things. I guess I still do not know myself, I guess. Or I am just unlucky that I am surrounded by so many fucking control freaks who should have fixed their own lives! What the hell is wrong with you people? Did you bring me to life just so you can boss me around. As soon as I will have savings again I would be buying things for ending my life. If I do not get out of here.

I just wish they would also try t understand me. (I imagine speaking this with an Indian accent- gorgeous)

WHAT IF

You must have known that I can read very fast. Fast in the sense that I used to cheat through side glancing in high school and I can read my friend's text conversation when I am sitting beside him or her. A lot of things prove my speed in reading. Like reading Da Vinci Code during class hours and I halved the pages after two periods- another proof that the novel is a phenomenal page-turner. I am saying this because you do not know.

I also have that speed in catching people's changes in expression or secret glances. And that speed equates to my rapid conclusions of the situation. I am saying this because you do not know.

What else do you not know? What else do you claim to know? ...

See, this paranoia is attacking my senses again. And a lot of what if's are stabbing me. What if...

Remember what I told you before? I said this person started to fill in the spaces you have left. This person became who I wanted... needed. What if...

My greatest fear is that- I do not have any answer for now.

Sarcasm Now

I get pissed when people display their limitations in front of me. Go kill yourself with that attitude you cannot contribute anything to development.

1. So they were planning their hiking and I heard a lot of queries about this and that. Even my sister- Im not sure if she is thinking asked if there are bears in the area! And there was this word that I never heard in hikings-PORTER, someone who carries your luggage. I wish mountaineers would read this and they would hate me for not telling these people that they do not deserve a hiking!- they must go to a picnic. that way they can have all the porters they can have to carry their sandwiches. Gee who eats sandwiches in hikings...

2. Yes I envy. I want to go to. but ... I chose not to because it has to be fun. See, I have been with people who tries to prove that they can do it with or without your help.

3. You will not have the will and the power to move me. Look at you. This is a rock standing right here you effing pathetic mongrel. Go to where your own breed is.

4. Why? me? average? no i think even below that. ...(continuous mutterings of disbelief) Why? all my life I effortlessly never went below that... But yeah- this humbled me enough. But damn, I am such a disgrace.

5. Hey you, you think you are that rich? Define rich, bitch! You are nothing so do not dare brag. I feel low just thinking of you. eww

6. I was taught to lie low on my assets and just wait for things to fall into place.

PONDER

It feels like a fallen leaf trapped in the middle of the road because of the rain. The wind cannot move me. Or it could be like a piece of wood being drifted in the ocean with an uncertain direction. There is no way to oppose.

I am lost.

here in the middle of the tangles I, myself wove. I thought I was making my own ladder towards the heavens. Where am I? Where is my fate? Where are you plans God? I thought you chose me because I cannot choose.

Or maybe, I just need time. I must embrace optimism, read more or just pursue...

of course i have to cry. and i would do it infront of you just so you would be fed up with guilt until you cannot take it anymore. My point the whole time was, I am doing my part and there was no need of telling me the facts over and over again. yes I know i go too high to much but just tell me if you cannot do it. I will sacrifice. just tell me if I myself have to find ways because this is what i want right now and you told me before that I can do what i want after Im done with that. sorry.

hmm

hmmm. hi. i am in my sister's place right now. doing nothing. and expecting that something will change.

my plans for my stay would be like exhausting all the excess emotions that i do feel. since last night, i did some things i regret. i also do not want the person i am turning into. this is just not me. well, maybe there are a lot of reasons why i do these things. still, i am very much aware that there are these things that lie in front of me waiting to be done. but i refuse to face you all. this is so dramatic. so my plans actualy include: watching the sunset. swimming in the beach and the like


when i o back to the real world, i have 10 promises to myself.
1. don't smoke
2. minimize alcohol consumption
3. don't say bad words
4. study every night
5. no more over criticizing
6. wake up early
7. do your homework
8. go to mass
9. be happy, smile always
10. optimism please...

maybe, this is my way of dealing with these things. i just hope that i would fulfill them all. and with that i pray that some divine power will help me in getting over everything. i will have myself back. and with that everything must follow. my dreams shall wake up again. and i will want to live life again.

YES, JUST DRAMA AND YES, THIS IS PATHETIC BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND

What am I doing? This is ruining everything. Although, I always believed in the principle of inflicting pain to remove pain, I never thought I would come back to this place again.
I am so disappointed with myself. Why? When shall this stop. I am again doing something major. I am starting to be scared of the consequences of such things I could make. Yes, I know that it is wrong but is the only way I know of. I am so free, it overwhelms me. and in pain that all I do is numb myself. I hate this I hate you.

Yes, I know that flirting is not the answer. Since, I am the kind that runs away when things get awkward. And well, this feels so pathetic, being powerless over these things. When I must be acting like all these is nothing. Well, at least now, I stopped crying, sometimes, but what do I do?

1. Divert. Laugh at myself. I am so tired of drinking and smoking too much!
2. Him and him. hello. n=Not so. I do not like those types.
3. Stop it. I have a question. Do I have to keep all his memories? Do I have to burn them? Why do I have the feeling that he will be mine again? Will it come true? I dolove him still but this sounds pathetic. It has to end. And I regret the consequences of my actions even now that I am about to do them all. Or not. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ambivalence is a symptom of a psychotic disorder. hmm

Dear You,

hey. how are you? im missing you and hating you at the same time. hahaha now that i cried for a guy. i pray to god that this ends as soon as possible. because damn this is not me, yes i want you back even just to feel that you do exist from afar. but you cannot do that! i really guess so that the ideal man is gay. dear you, just pack a bag and come back before i do it! hahaha love ,me

GETTING OVER YOU

I find it easy to hide my miseries to you all. But I guess, those who really knew me knows that I loved you so much. The difficult part is trying to materialize this emotion so that I can properly dispose it. My cynicism is telling me that this is just something transient but it is also one time of my life that i tried to believe in butterflies. I still love you babe.

haha. this is a form of ambivalence. I usually do not experience this because I know what I want most of the time. But you did disturb my sanctuary. you made it your own. why did you start loving coffee babe? Why did you aim to travel around the world? These are the only things I embrace and yet you did put yourself in every picture. I think I cannot do them anymore, now that you are not here. But then again, the cynic would say that I will get over you. But if you did come back I will know what I want. However, the last time you went here was not the person I expected to meet. i guess you did change completely and the person I knew was gone. Then there'll be no use going back. Or maybe not.

Actually, my struggles include changing my mind sets. A term that came from you again.To successfullyforget you, I hope I can forget all our plans. I hope I can forget that I came across your path. I hope I will get over you. If not, come back to me.