: I just wish a thousand shooting stars would flash in the sky
1. get a good grip of a diploma
2. quit all the bad things
3. save up for something
4. love someone truly
5. go to boracay and wear a skimpy two piece suit
6. buy something for my mom
7. be inspired to write more.
8. become a teacher
9. learn how to play the guitar
10. write a song
11. join a beauty pageant (which was...)
12. have a day of shopping spree
13. have a pet : a cat/dog
14. have a condo
15. surf
16. bungee jumping
17. mountain climb
18. write my grandfather's life story
19. cry for a guy. until my eyes go bulgy red
20. save a life
21. win lottery
22. watch a thousand movies
23. design some clothes
24. change my way of clothing when im already a pro
25. go to church and pray
26. wear leggings!
27. model
28. dance ballet
29. see my friends and me again
30. forgive
31. live happily
32. be happy with what i am
33. go to belo and i'll ask her "are you God?"
34. become a teacher
35. go to africa
36. donate to charity
37. adopt a child
38. buy a dress and wear it
39. meet Tim Burton
40. treat my mom to the spa
41. go to the gym
42. organize a party
43. celebrate a birthday alone
44. go to palawan again
45. spend quality time with a love one
46. swim
47. have my own pool
48. see the beauty of life in someone's eyes
49. smile
50. sing a song
51. talk to my grandfather
52. paint a face
53. do sculptures
54. kiss in the rain
55. fall
56. cry in happiness
57. unleash inhibitions feel the rain
58. have a dinner with a candle light and ,...
59. eat a lot of icecream, chocolates
60. drink til i drop
61. try induced vomiting
62. make love with only one man
63. tell my family i love them so much
64. say thanks to my mom
65. buy a car
66. try ever kind of coffee
67. get rich
68. talk to the president
69. keep a secret
70. go to paris
71. learn how to play the violin
77. take up culinary arts
78. establish a business: botique; restaurant
79. witness magic
80. find a guy who loves me more than i love him (how crazy)
81. get wasted if im heart broken
82. find myself a cabinet for my little book collection
83. embrace everyone
84. watch sunset in the beach
85. live in the beach
86. eat mangoes with my sis!
87. taste some worms; and rats
88. finish TALS
89. wake up
90. have a doctorate degree
91. become a fashion magazine editor
92. become a dj
93. have some peace of mind
94. bear a child
95. slap another bitch in the face
96. cry again over a book
97. see him
98. make it all last
99. be real and true to myself and everyone
100. die, with a smile on my face
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
THE RIPPLE EFFECT
"does she know how she affected you"- the reader.
did she even know how you feel.
did she even know how you feel.
when you told her that you'll meet at three, did you? then you asked her to meet her at three. should you still tell if its am or pm??? then you told her you'll see her at three pm. and she thought she'll see you at three pm. usual place. then you did not go. you did not see her by three when you told her clearly that you would. so, she'll think that maybe you just want to make her feel something. maybe you just want her to learn (what?) maybe you just want her to think things over -to mature maybe. maybe you just overslept since you did not even bother to ask. you needed some asking. you needed a slap. so you did not even explain. when you needed explaining.
so she undertood.
because you are everything. been through so many things. and this is just among the things. stupid. no. that was love.her definition of love and patience. my own definition of martyrdom.
so let me tell you this you do not have the right to play on people's emotions. nor did you ever had the right of just trying not to hurt. go away.
have you ever been hurt? loved? nobody cares. and so just go. away.
sometimes i ask myself. we do doubt. we do have queries. we have every right to be innocent and yet defensive. above all we are required to be rational. humans as we are. no. being stupid is not included. what the-
"people pass in your life, and they are all worth keeping"-i said it
THE FIRST POEM
the dawn woke up and it woke everyone up.
so- the rivers flow to wherever they go- i just do care
the sun is just so hot why does it bother to shine
the mountains sunk to its royalty- who the hell are they.
wake up sleepy head the world is not yours to take- its mine,
just like you i am dreamy too.
haha- laugh the hardest way you want
you can't even fake a smile- stop it
you make me puke- but i won't because - for a lot of reasons
leave me alone- don't believe me.
i lied. i wasn't the only one who lied in this world. you did-
too right? i wasn't right. what am i saying, what was i doing.
just another stupid bitch am i. bitch?
*hi blog: i just quitted- quitting. quit. maybe for reasons that i wish will remain as reasons. and i will be okay right? no. i am not that- just that i know i clung to the wrong walls. and it would be hard to forget them right? i hope so. my body's returning to its normal state. unlike before. im loving it. im loving reasons and reasons they shall be.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
THINGS THAT BOTHER ME
i am wondering. what am i really waiting for. why am i exploring corners so much. why do i want to know it all. with this. i am making myself too vulnerable. i no longer know what i am doing.
maybe, this is just a part of how i am trying to find myself. my own identity. my own definition. or maybe, i am just too frustrated with my life.
what made me contemplate on this was, last night, i went out with the girls and a gay. then, i learned... i wonder what made them stop. and i wonder how come the stopped. i also wonder why they stopped. two things: too much pain and suffering. or arising problems with foreseen unpleasant outcome.
then suddenly i was scared of whatever was it. should i go through, whatever they had experienced, for me to stop? or- should i continue? i am,i know, capable of enduring too much pain. pretty easy, just imagine that you are the numbest person in this world, freeze, then create an illusion, that you are the best ever. next- i never really cared about the future: whatever foreseen maybe disregarded. i don't know if you notice that i am too confident of who i am.
i remember her saying that if she was that selfish, she would have committed suicide. here's the thing, right now, i feel most loved by everyone around me.
it really is easy to say stop if i was not that depressed. how come this things give the best comforts to people who are not happy? i do not know why i am happy now. and it is actually one of the reasons why i want to stop. because, it may not have been for myself. but things are falling into pieces. although i must say: it gave me everything i needed before. but you see, it is killing me. and before it succeeds. before it destroys everything in me. i must stop right?
or... i must be fooling myself. i can't stop- won't stop. or not. foolish.
maybe, this is just a part of how i am trying to find myself. my own identity. my own definition. or maybe, i am just too frustrated with my life.
what made me contemplate on this was, last night, i went out with the girls and a gay. then, i learned... i wonder what made them stop. and i wonder how come the stopped. i also wonder why they stopped. two things: too much pain and suffering. or arising problems with foreseen unpleasant outcome.
then suddenly i was scared of whatever was it. should i go through, whatever they had experienced, for me to stop? or- should i continue? i am,i know, capable of enduring too much pain. pretty easy, just imagine that you are the numbest person in this world, freeze, then create an illusion, that you are the best ever. next- i never really cared about the future: whatever foreseen maybe disregarded. i don't know if you notice that i am too confident of who i am.
i remember her saying that if she was that selfish, she would have committed suicide. here's the thing, right now, i feel most loved by everyone around me.
it really is easy to say stop if i was not that depressed. how come this things give the best comforts to people who are not happy? i do not know why i am happy now. and it is actually one of the reasons why i want to stop. because, it may not have been for myself. but things are falling into pieces. although i must say: it gave me everything i needed before. but you see, it is killing me. and before it succeeds. before it destroys everything in me. i must stop right?
or... i must be fooling myself. i can't stop- won't stop. or not. foolish.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
FOR YOU
one thing. when he died. i cannot describe what i have felt that time. all i know was that. i was at that point of desperation mixed up with sadness. everything was overwhelming. before the end came. i knew he looked at me. i knew he looked at me. i knew he was looking at me. so i smiled. mr. noel Parinas once told us that death is a good thing, what makes you not want to go is those attachments that you would leave behind.
death is a very good thing. maybe you would never read this because you are now starting to open your eyes towards the wrong sides of the world. you start to drink, smoke andi would not know the other things that you do at the moment. why am i telling you this. life depends of how you choose perspectives. and right now, you have everything you laid up in front of you. just don't waste your time on silly things.
although i truly am sorry for my ways. for it is not easy to tell you that you should be good. i am sorry for hurting you. i just want you to learn from me. and i would rather take the role of being the most hated sister in the world if in return you would be able to see that you are luckier than me. than anyone else. and really i love you so much but why are you like that?
two things
my heart is still so sad. and i cannot make him see the importance of everything we have at the moment because maybe pain is not yet there. . and though i know that i have hurt him with my foolishness and failed everybody. but then if only i can show them what i have see. still i know that they won't believe.
it caused pain in my eyes, in my heart that i have tried to grip on air. i have opened a door in my life and i am just so sad that. im so sorry my dear if this is my way of showing you what life is. you have to learn my dear. i know that i was never that person. but i was hoping that you become that person you know.
death is a very good thing. maybe you would never read this because you are now starting to open your eyes towards the wrong sides of the world. you start to drink, smoke andi would not know the other things that you do at the moment. why am i telling you this. life depends of how you choose perspectives. and right now, you have everything you laid up in front of you. just don't waste your time on silly things.
although i truly am sorry for my ways. for it is not easy to tell you that you should be good. i am sorry for hurting you. i just want you to learn from me. and i would rather take the role of being the most hated sister in the world if in return you would be able to see that you are luckier than me. than anyone else. and really i love you so much but why are you like that?
two things
my heart is still so sad. and i cannot make him see the importance of everything we have at the moment because maybe pain is not yet there. . and though i know that i have hurt him with my foolishness and failed everybody. but then if only i can show them what i have see. still i know that they won't believe.
it caused pain in my eyes, in my heart that i have tried to grip on air. i have opened a door in my life and i am just so sad that. im so sorry my dear if this is my way of showing you what life is. you have to learn my dear. i know that i was never that person. but i was hoping that you become that person you know.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
CIRCON BUSINESS MAN'S INN: what happened in Palawan, stays in Palawan
when you have to fake a smile
and you are no fake, how do you do it?
when you have to walk the walk and talk the talk- would you do it.
then you have to be nearly naked. in front of everybody and the lights come from the flashes of numerous cameras.
who wouldn't like it when you're like the center of the universe? even in just a moment. but would you give in? if in the condition that you become a subject, a specimen, a mere object of lust (duh- im beautiful) and entertainment- would you?
i won't. don't expect me to satisfy you whims. because i don't like all of you.
bacause you can't repay this. whatever you do.
THE FUN PART: i know there's someone out there for me. and t(he)y'll stay there whatever happens. even if i won't walk the walk; or talk the talk.
so there was that bitch girl under the category CHEAP. so do not expect me to compete with her. them. since your eyes can't deceive you. and facts are facts.
then there was those sandals that dreaded me. i don't walk those things. but i did.
THE OTHER THING:
when the sun rises. majestic and breath taking. but you cannot savor it forever because it sets too. and then you'd meet all the people. and you'll learn to love them. but you are too afraid that either you or him would leave. you don't completely understand yourself. because you ask why sunrise or sunset no longer matter. why is it that life itself is already satisfying. and there's no more need to spice things up with drama when everything is already sweet.
then you'd remember the line- too good to be true. then you'd doubt things and you'd back off. but you won't go. you'd stay because you want to. then like those fireworks a million "what ifs" booms in the sky. right in front of you, as if taunting you. because it knows that you actually doubt yourself. and even if you say you would want to believe, you know that you're not yet starting to believe. you know that you just say it. you know that you are lying when you said you did not really like it. and you were not serious about it and you just let things be. you know that since then you have already drowned in this thing. and you know its worth drowning again but you won't do it. because you do not believe in happy endings because you watched a lot of drama movies in your life. but you also know that it can end happily but again you know that things would always go wrong.
you wanted to cry so hard right? yes. you would cry for this. you would wait. you would. wouldn't you? and even if they doubt and even if ... you would believe in it. you ask. you are too scared of falling. because you read in some book that its not really that aftermath of the fall. when you're already broken. no. that's not it. it is when you are helplessly flailing your arms. grabbing the air to save you. but what if he would reach out his hand? you know that there is a possibility that he would and you know that ... but what if.
i do not know what is wrong with you. i do not understand why you want so much assurances to prove these things. look at yourself. you just know that you're good and you just know that. you are the most selfish living being in this planet because of your super high self-esteem and pride. you try to banish your flaws but you know they won't go. and they'll stay. just enjoy the moment babe. because this thing is not over yet. worry when it does
and you are no fake, how do you do it?
when you have to walk the walk and talk the talk- would you do it.
then you have to be nearly naked. in front of everybody and the lights come from the flashes of numerous cameras.
who wouldn't like it when you're like the center of the universe? even in just a moment. but would you give in? if in the condition that you become a subject, a specimen, a mere object of lust (duh- im beautiful) and entertainment- would you?
i won't. don't expect me to satisfy you whims. because i don't like all of you.
bacause you can't repay this. whatever you do.
THE FUN PART: i know there's someone out there for me. and t(he)y'll stay there whatever happens. even if i won't walk the walk; or talk the talk.
so there was that bitch girl under the category CHEAP. so do not expect me to compete with her. them. since your eyes can't deceive you. and facts are facts.
then there was those sandals that dreaded me. i don't walk those things. but i did.
THE OTHER THING:
when the sun rises. majestic and breath taking. but you cannot savor it forever because it sets too. and then you'd meet all the people. and you'll learn to love them. but you are too afraid that either you or him would leave. you don't completely understand yourself. because you ask why sunrise or sunset no longer matter. why is it that life itself is already satisfying. and there's no more need to spice things up with drama when everything is already sweet.
then you'd remember the line- too good to be true. then you'd doubt things and you'd back off. but you won't go. you'd stay because you want to. then like those fireworks a million "what ifs" booms in the sky. right in front of you, as if taunting you. because it knows that you actually doubt yourself. and even if you say you would want to believe, you know that you're not yet starting to believe. you know that you just say it. you know that you are lying when you said you did not really like it. and you were not serious about it and you just let things be. you know that since then you have already drowned in this thing. and you know its worth drowning again but you won't do it. because you do not believe in happy endings because you watched a lot of drama movies in your life. but you also know that it can end happily but again you know that things would always go wrong.
you wanted to cry so hard right? yes. you would cry for this. you would wait. you would. wouldn't you? and even if they doubt and even if ... you would believe in it. you ask. you are too scared of falling. because you read in some book that its not really that aftermath of the fall. when you're already broken. no. that's not it. it is when you are helplessly flailing your arms. grabbing the air to save you. but what if he would reach out his hand? you know that there is a possibility that he would and you know that ... but what if.
i do not know what is wrong with you. i do not understand why you want so much assurances to prove these things. look at yourself. you just know that you're good and you just know that. you are the most selfish living being in this planet because of your super high self-esteem and pride. you try to banish your flaws but you know they won't go. and they'll stay. just enjoy the moment babe. because this thing is not over yet. worry when it does
Sunday, February 8, 2009
ABOUT ME
I'll talk about myself since i like talking about myself:
i have simple pleasures in life. i take happiness from simple things. i try to see what others cannot comprehend. i can say that my life is not complicated but i do things to complicate it. one thing: just stay put and do not step on others.
i have particular impulses that sometimes put me offtrack. but everybody has them. well, i do have dreams and even if i can't fulfill them all its OK. everything happens for a reason. and even if things go wrong and I've fallen. i know that i would always stand up. no matter what. we are not rocks that has to be pushed to mover- my grandmother once said, not to me, but to my mom. i love my mom. and i love her more than anything else. again i am so sorry for some...
i can say that i am a self-centered person, but I'm not. i do not leave people because i have felt how it was to be left. something that haunts me until now. and me clinging to some people might label me as a user but I'm not. people stayed because they want to. i would have survived on my own all the while. but i cannot allow myself to create another world on my own. see, if something threatens to ruin me i eliminate it. i want to become a better person and this is just a part of the process.
another thing, i am not aspiring to be like everybody else. i want to be a highlight. and all that. i want to do everything that comes into my mind but i seldom try to finish it. but i do try.
when it comes to relationships, I'll say it again. i do not leave people. sometimes people leave, i just let them be. but they won't leave me again for the second time. and they'll regret doing that. sometimes i regret too that they left. but all the while- if they ruin me- go. i know i have people who'll stay, they are called friends. and this guy, say now i can say he's great and all that.
right now, i am really obsessed with lily Allen's smile music video. so great.
i have simple pleasures in life. i take happiness from simple things. i try to see what others cannot comprehend. i can say that my life is not complicated but i do things to complicate it. one thing: just stay put and do not step on others.
i have particular impulses that sometimes put me offtrack. but everybody has them. well, i do have dreams and even if i can't fulfill them all its OK. everything happens for a reason. and even if things go wrong and I've fallen. i know that i would always stand up. no matter what. we are not rocks that has to be pushed to mover- my grandmother once said, not to me, but to my mom. i love my mom. and i love her more than anything else. again i am so sorry for some...
i can say that i am a self-centered person, but I'm not. i do not leave people because i have felt how it was to be left. something that haunts me until now. and me clinging to some people might label me as a user but I'm not. people stayed because they want to. i would have survived on my own all the while. but i cannot allow myself to create another world on my own. see, if something threatens to ruin me i eliminate it. i want to become a better person and this is just a part of the process.
another thing, i am not aspiring to be like everybody else. i want to be a highlight. and all that. i want to do everything that comes into my mind but i seldom try to finish it. but i do try.
when it comes to relationships, I'll say it again. i do not leave people. sometimes people leave, i just let them be. but they won't leave me again for the second time. and they'll regret doing that. sometimes i regret too that they left. but all the while- if they ruin me- go. i know i have people who'll stay, they are called friends. and this guy, say now i can say he's great and all that.
right now, i am really obsessed with lily Allen's smile music video. so great.
Friday, February 6, 2009
BWARKING
i would like to laugh so hard until everything of me comes out, then I'd die. you know you love me- said Gossip girl, whose life is just about prying on other people's lives like everything is just another gossip. oh well, i care less about her, since when i tried to grab some quotable quotes in her show, i failed. i cannot forget the line "be careful what you fish for." what the?
talk about living the most boring life ever: i tried wanting to be suicidal- due to boredom and feeling of uselessness and all that. at present i really am trying so hard to be anorexic then i just realized that i am- i have skipped meals in a day, with just caffeine and nicotine in my system to keep me going. then with straight overnights- hola! i do not think i have been thinner. just weaker. more susceptible to outside jerks. i do not like this. so I'll end it. now. i have been eating a lot and i hate it. really but i have to let go because this anorexic drama is killing my self-esteem. or that i still look up to myself and i just can't put my mind to thinking that i am so unloved because i know i am. what the.
this drama ends now- I'll eat and eat. sometimes i want to blame something for this. i know a lot of girls out there wants to be ... whatta- this ends . now.
well, now i just want to read, and all that.
LAST night, the dogs howled. and silence. i gripped on something hard. i hate reality. that's why i love Neil gaiman.
PS: i notice everything, i just do not know. but something is fishy out there. and when i say fishy- specifically. well, can't talk now.
talk about living the most boring life ever: i tried wanting to be suicidal- due to boredom and feeling of uselessness and all that. at present i really am trying so hard to be anorexic then i just realized that i am- i have skipped meals in a day, with just caffeine and nicotine in my system to keep me going. then with straight overnights- hola! i do not think i have been thinner. just weaker. more susceptible to outside jerks. i do not like this. so I'll end it. now. i have been eating a lot and i hate it. really but i have to let go because this anorexic drama is killing my self-esteem. or that i still look up to myself and i just can't put my mind to thinking that i am so unloved because i know i am. what the.
this drama ends now- I'll eat and eat. sometimes i want to blame something for this. i know a lot of girls out there wants to be ... whatta- this ends . now.
well, now i just want to read, and all that.
LAST night, the dogs howled. and silence. i gripped on something hard. i hate reality. that's why i love Neil gaiman.
PS: i notice everything, i just do not know. but something is fishy out there. and when i say fishy- specifically. well, can't talk now.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
THE CURSE ON A FULL MOON
so they cannot stay in one place. they must not be seen together. because same poles repel: that is one fact that cannot be questioned no matter how questionable it is. and that is the way matters are and no matter how one can believe that life is under control they just can't face the facts, because facts- are facts.
should that be stated. because i must not underestimate the intellectual capacity of a reader- if someone even dare read my thoughts in a blog that i will keep hidden and shall i succumb to the most idealistic (my own idealism) way of thinking. then what shall become of me, if i stay here in my stupid really ( that's what they call it) whatever. in my world, i rule. and that's a fact. just that. question? no, not allowed.
yesterday, i watched this play called " curse on a full moon". and "coin operated boy" was the soundtrack. and they were using an ancient player as their sound system. what the- we just can't stop noticing a Mcdo pin behind an actress and they did not even have a broom and a card for props. sorry, this is just the worst play ever. i wish somebody would just tell them that their play was uhm- that. i wish i would be the one to tell them. but that would be.
another one: do you notice how some vain idiots pose? they way they would take their picture from a top perspective and pout their lips and do that expression with their eyes? haha- i do that sometimes. my friends to. thing is it just does not look good for other people. what the- its another way of saying that they are ugly. I'm sorry.
so i was just done with Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere- damn, the guy was so HOT. his book is talking. he just made me realize that i am a fantasy genre reader. believe that. gosh... im still reading some of his books that are available in this (god-forsaken) place