BUTTERFLY EFFECT

my toes ache from too much walking. but i cannot just stop.
i want to go to a place i fell in love with
but it takes too much sacrifice to be there.
well for now i just imagine
that the water brushes my feet
the wind blows my hair
and he's not far from here

i think of the palm tree leaves
fields of sand
waves racing towards the shore
and the sun in its descending throne.

if only i could curse what keeps me here.
send them all to hell.
he'll burn their souls
i will not be happy
i want to turn back time
back to when i stood frozen from bending or letting go. )

but obviously this is not possible. moments from now i will sink again into my darkness. i will not know what to do. and im wishing that some divine guiding hand will spank my ass to death. i am praying that alcohol remain in my system for the time being. and also the nicotine in its ecstatic high numb me for eternity. i crave for all this because i do not like what it happening to me. and i am trying to like some things. i crave for all these because they are the only ones who help me in getting over my frustrations. my frustrations are in just one question. am i not the boss of my life? no. so i am becoming this person who keep on building walls of defense mechanisms to justify what is happening to me. and that is human instinct. i cannot help it because i am also human. what am i to you ? i wonder. because the last time you did not even hear what i have said. i have a very loud voice. and you did not hear it.

b1 and b2 are alcoholics. b1 now have a liver pus: he has jaundice and a sore throat. b2 cannot live a day without alcohol. g1 will bring something illegal in the mountains. and i will also try it. this is me ruining my life. and it is up to you if you can still hold on. because i know that right now i am the dumbest person in the planet. i am the most most foolish stupid creature ever. but this is me trying to control my life. trying to feel the effects of my own actions. i want to feel alive.

raannndomm

so hindi na tayo close dahil sa napaka-daming dahilan. at syempre kasalanan ko lahat kung bakit.

why tagalog.

well there are a hundred ways to tell how you feel. after watching a parokya ni edgar music video where they dance the BSB dance steps in a slower beat. but i must say it was a great! music video.

and reading this article about avoiding 10 substances to have a longer life makes me breath very very deep.it was the ten things i take in everyday. what is this article saying. or um is the author thinking? i mean, some dumb obsessive i-want-to-live long mind out there could be taking her advice. and that's just sad isn't it? because not everybody has an IQ of above a hundred.

i am not bitter
i am not bitter
i am not bitter
i am not bitter

i am happy
i am happy

i love what i do
i love what i do

how therapeutic.

student:mam o he would not give me my pen!
i was like um what? damn just get it and why do you need me to get it for you? can't you get it on your own? don't you have hands? you effin-

so that was it. that was the life i wanted so much i nearly died for it. i wanted to become a teacher. i wanted to ... i used a past tense does that mean.

..

my tears fall not because i am sad
they fall because they embrace freedom
they break free because they want to.
therefore, they live.

my eyes they close not because i am tired
they close to hide for a while
they close to reveal surrender
therefore, they live

i stopped walking
i stopped writing
not because i am weak
i stopped to breathe
i stopped to feel
therefore i live

rock transformations

i guess i no longer have it. i have thrown it far far away- beyond anyone's reach. i do not even know if i must be sad. i am wondering why i am feeling no remorse towards this. i have gone completely numb.

this struggle. i cannot fully grip on sanity. you want to know what happened that night? haha i woke up felt those hands but i never allowed it to go any farther. it was so funny. he said "my girl" why did he say that? he said i have a gorgeous body and that i should not deprive it from him. hahahah but then the touch went lower after it failed to go higher. and my hands went on top of his to stop it. he said oh-so you are conservative. then he was asking me to face him. i know what will happen if i face him. and when i did face him i pushed him away. no too much because he would fall off that effin couch. then he turned. i was wasted dammit. so wasted that i was so sleepy i can no longer complain on anything. had you been there the whole time with me? yes a part of it i thank you for that.

i do stupid things when im drunk. who doesn't? tell me and i'll ask you to fuck off. i woke up feeling no guilt from the fact that i am hooked. why should i ? i did nothing wrong. thinking about it i did never respond. i just allowed things to flow by the ways law of nature just as how i am trapped in another soul. i told him and he was asking me why i was telling it to him. i thought you could be my friend too. but of course my reasoning is impaired. so damn why i told you. it is always my fault. i am always wrong. just the way Pusit was never punished because i was wrong. he was human indeed. i thought we want the truth. and you cannot even eat my words or the fact that i tell every secret you tell me. i tell it to the dams and their water- they go everywhere. was that my fault? you were the one who told me. had you known i was one of the dams? so then i had not known too. bite me bitch.

i watched runaway bride- the story of maggie who thought she has reasons. true. why the hell should we always care about what others think. if we could step on everyone why not, the devil did that.

just a while ago i got a minus one. from not saying cover the linens- that shithead. that is a part of the assisting the patient to a comfortable position. that was why i was effin able to eat so many.