BUTTERFLY EFFECT

my toes ache from too much walking. but i cannot just stop.
i want to go to a place i fell in love with
but it takes too much sacrifice to be there.
well for now i just imagine
that the water brushes my feet
the wind blows my hair
and he's not far from here

i think of the palm tree leaves
fields of sand
waves racing towards the shore
and the sun in its descending throne.

if only i could curse what keeps me here.
send them all to hell.
he'll burn their souls
i will not be happy
i want to turn back time
back to when i stood frozen from bending or letting go. )

but obviously this is not possible. moments from now i will sink again into my darkness. i will not know what to do. and im wishing that some divine guiding hand will spank my ass to death. i am praying that alcohol remain in my system for the time being. and also the nicotine in its ecstatic high numb me for eternity. i crave for all this because i do not like what it happening to me. and i am trying to like some things. i crave for all these because they are the only ones who help me in getting over my frustrations. my frustrations are in just one question. am i not the boss of my life? no. so i am becoming this person who keep on building walls of defense mechanisms to justify what is happening to me. and that is human instinct. i cannot help it because i am also human. what am i to you ? i wonder. because the last time you did not even hear what i have said. i have a very loud voice. and you did not hear it.

b1 and b2 are alcoholics. b1 now have a liver pus: he has jaundice and a sore throat. b2 cannot live a day without alcohol. g1 will bring something illegal in the mountains. and i will also try it. this is me ruining my life. and it is up to you if you can still hold on. because i know that right now i am the dumbest person in the planet. i am the most most foolish stupid creature ever. but this is me trying to control my life. trying to feel the effects of my own actions. i want to feel alive.