TAKING CONTROL

I badly need money, because at the moment i am a bum. i do not know what i mean. people say i went astray, from all the -uhhmm what they think is the right way. BIG NO. i followed by whims,

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however, i must say, nobody understood me, except for joan, who i think is a twin-sometimes in ur ways of thinking.

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you see, i never really get it- why should i explain myself to people? why should i tell them what'll do with my life? because i do believe most of us do not yet know what to do with our lives. BECAUSE ACTUALLY I DO NOT KNOW. but shall we always stay in a safe place? what will happen to me then is i stay? NOTHING. we all know nursing graduates either fall into english tutorials or call centers. or maybe, we can be nurses, but with the thousands of nursing students in this Poverty-inflicted-country you need solid credentials to outwit the others, you need to be unique because this is a competition- well, everything is a competition. the thing is, i believe that it would be difficult to work hard on things that i don't really value. right? but i am so tired of people telling me that i was wrong. lets see.

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though, i do think i have wasted time and everything thouh, i know i'll miss people- GROUP R, especially, whom i learned to love and hate at the same time. i loveyouol!!! but im not really dying you know. JOANNE!!! im not dying. i'll try to be in touch though.

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you see, recently i was back at my depressed-suicidal-tendencies again. and that i have been thinking of injecting pure oxygen, nitrogen or simply air into my veins. i even bought 5 mL syringe which was, i was told, for IM meds. i think i bought the wrong needle size. i thought i won't commit suicide without really dying. i must die if i actually do it. so i thought of breakin thermometers for Mercury <>. from that, i would surely die. why am i telling this? because i was too hurt. it was unbearable, my own family not supporting me. what is worse than that? i was to down- i remembered what i once read-" he will never see the way she smiles" which is one of the saddest lines ever.

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i wonder why i never did it. or why i did not yet do it. well. i do still want to live, to say goodbye, to feel life for a time, and do things i did not yet do. well, who doesn't want to die? this world sucks! i really do not belong here.

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but i really want to thank a friend for showing me what i really did - i broke free. i am free. i now could live my life. i have never been so happy in my life. so why question these. why pull me down? why do you have to tell me to return to something i have always assciated with hell.

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great day everyone thanks for reading.