Pain and Pleasure

It is my birthday. This day, my mother nearly gave up her life for me. Until now, this is all I can think of if I am down. I know I am loved. You see, when life sucks you so bad and you just do not know what to do, you look for a bright side. He always said I am extreme in positive thinking. Well, I will always be. This time, looking for a bright side is so difficult. I am only seeing a closed door in my face. The end of a pathway and there is no other way to go. So I am thinking WHERE TO LOOK FOR A BRIGHT SIDE?

I already did everything:

1. Avoid social media because my stalker mode is always on

2. Delete all social media related apps 

3. Stopped rereading messages when he was still sweet and inlove with me. 

4. Engaged in physical activity to exhaust the body so that the mind will sleep. 

5. Avoid meeting people. 

6. Write about it. 

The bright side. God is the bright side. The gift of life is a bright side. I will get through this. To my heart, while I breath I hope.

The key to acceptance is going through the process. But how will I do it?  First, I can fight for it. In the book the Lightness of Being, Marie-Claude said love is a battle. I ponder, should I fight this battle too? Even if I know there is a great percentage for defeat. But I have always romanticized the idea of love and forever-together. I can. But what if he is happier now? What if he is better of without me? What if he already has his peace of mind? See, I have more what ifs. I am holding on because he said he loved me and he told me we can be together forever. On the other hand, I also know people can change their mind. And you cannot hold on to their past statements.

In conclusion, I can only write about it. I have no idea about bright sides. I can only cry for a few minutes.