I had been in a very deep ****. Lost in translation and was let loose from my chains. They all happened at the same time. Thus, I succumbed to my demons, such as smoking and drinking until I felt my lungs heavier and my body weaker than before. I know of other people who had been here before. They survived. I kept on asking them what they did and how they have done it. To no avail, they have no answers for me. I guess that is another point for just live life and have fun, these are just bumps along the way.
My problem actually is, a boy, whom I thought would love me for eternity. Now, I have learned that they leave. They all come and go. There is just something with me that makes it so difficult to move on. I just do not let go. I have had friendships for a decade that I have maintained in close ties. This one wants to cut all the bonds I had with him. I cannot do that. I am not used to that. But then, I guess it is a high time to make changes. So I have to let him go then too by cutting all the bonds. I find it so sad to be doing this.
Yesterday, I watched a movie, One More Try, a Filipino film about a mother who had a son with man, who then have a wife, and when her son became very sick she tried to reach out to the father. But then, the options regarding the treatment because too few that they have to do things that are just out of the question. You have to watch it yourself because I do not want to be a spoiler.
I just realized from the movie that falling in love is just too painful and too risky. So I then thought of a better way of my passionate emotional outbursts. Service, yes that is the word. I can drink and smoke my life away because of the circumstances of my life but that would be a waste of life. I would rather give and share what I am wasting now with those who need it. Maybe, at the end of the day I will find that semblance in life that I am so much longing for.
Still, I lack ways of materializing what I am saying now. But it is a process. Nobody succeeded in just one day.
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