you lied to me benj. you said - you said you will try. how dare you benj you died.
if someone wants to read my thoughts i want them to know that i am not happy. i am not even satisfied with anything but i know that this is my fault. why in the first place did i even do that. why the hell had i opened up. i am not supposed to be here. this is not me.
so i begin loving coffee again. i start everything and i want to end it suddenly. if you ask me why i froze in the middle of everything. it is because i noticed that something is wrong. i hate it when you're too quiet. i hate it when people do not tell me things. and i always notice that. so long losers. you lied to me. why would you lie to me? you lied. i hate liars even if im among them.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
out of town at last
kulasa got pissed because of a spoon (imagine that). i was standing in the backyard watching at the view around me. there was a bamboo tree on my right and a pine tree on the left. there was a fence before me and there's an open pit below that. the sky, well, it was clear of clouds. i feel the heat of the sun on my skin but the chill of the wind repels it. i feel good. the mountains here are green. everything is green.
before going here. i saw that most mountains no longer have trees in them. they are no longer green, no longer happy. so i do not want to talk about that. and yet i will talk about that. because suddenly my serenely positioned stance was disturbed by the cacophonies that came. they ruined my melody. they broke every piece of beauty in my perfect picture.
i thought. it was indeed so hard to sink in my solemnity if i am surrounded by people who do not have inspiration. i am not in a pedestal because i notice the very thick wall that separates me from this people. and neither me nor these people would want to break it.
and i will soon leave this place and i doubt if i ever step here again. but i will walk with this people still. i wish it is the other way around.
Friday, February 5, 2010
happy birthday
they ask me. why him. why even get back to him why ...
i do not know people. haha! maybe its love another haha!!! and i wonder too why we cannot have time. that is because we are both so different in so many ways. and yet seemingly very familiar with each other... very not bored um idk. im never bored. him being there is already okay. him existing is already worth living for. so why should i demand for more? even if my impulses wants him to be before my eyes i cannot. because he has a life to live and i do not want him to be my life. people can leave any moment.
so you ask me again why him. do i ask you why him? did i ask you why you chose him? sometimes you cannot question my choices. you cannot slap me with the words i have used before. and i do not need to explain to you why him. because how dare you ask that.
but i am thankful that you ask. i will answer here where you cannot read it, because you do not read. haha for that! i was not stupid. i was having illusions. that he is great. it might sound crazy that i think he is great even if you think that he is not great. you see, there is a reason for everything. he acts like that for a reason and because of my illusions i will understand those reasons fully. you know what i am talking about. the feeling of going back to where you feel at home. the feeling of just wanting them there and not considering all the other things. just them there is alright. but no. i am lying. again. because some people want me too. some people tell me how beautiful i am and those are what i needed to here. imagine how tight is my grip to these tiny strings. imagine that even in faces of temptations i think of him. and i never lie. i can never lie to him and to myself.
what the hell is happening to me? i can no longer have things my way. because in the first place i had it my way! lucky guy who never met the most bitchy person in the world. in my world. where everything is within my control. i miss her.
o well we are talking about him. i would have wanted to fall for the others. but they are not him. am i not pathetic? yes i am. to hell with it. i am still happy here. do not question my happiness.
i do not know people. haha! maybe its love another haha!!! and i wonder too why we cannot have time. that is because we are both so different in so many ways. and yet seemingly very familiar with each other... very not bored um idk. im never bored. him being there is already okay. him existing is already worth living for. so why should i demand for more? even if my impulses wants him to be before my eyes i cannot. because he has a life to live and i do not want him to be my life. people can leave any moment.
so you ask me again why him. do i ask you why him? did i ask you why you chose him? sometimes you cannot question my choices. you cannot slap me with the words i have used before. and i do not need to explain to you why him. because how dare you ask that.
but i am thankful that you ask. i will answer here where you cannot read it, because you do not read. haha for that! i was not stupid. i was having illusions. that he is great. it might sound crazy that i think he is great even if you think that he is not great. you see, there is a reason for everything. he acts like that for a reason and because of my illusions i will understand those reasons fully. you know what i am talking about. the feeling of going back to where you feel at home. the feeling of just wanting them there and not considering all the other things. just them there is alright. but no. i am lying. again. because some people want me too. some people tell me how beautiful i am and those are what i needed to here. imagine how tight is my grip to these tiny strings. imagine that even in faces of temptations i think of him. and i never lie. i can never lie to him and to myself.
what the hell is happening to me? i can no longer have things my way. because in the first place i had it my way! lucky guy who never met the most bitchy person in the world. in my world. where everything is within my control. i miss her.
o well we are talking about him. i would have wanted to fall for the others. but they are not him. am i not pathetic? yes i am. to hell with it. i am still happy here. do not question my happiness.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
say you're sorry
well. i left you a long time ago. now i am going back. i want to tell you all the things i saw. and all the places i have been to. and yet. i still have to embrace you and i have to kiss you because words are no longer important you are here.
you promise. you say now you'll stay. you will not go away you will stay. say it over and over again. i will not believe. you hold my hand and i will hold on to it. you will let go and i will release. do this- over and over again and i will slowly fade into the wind. and i will fly to the sky and i will be far away from here. i will have my wings and they will take me to all the places where i wanted to be.
i will not feel anything. not miss you not be sad not cry not breakdown. i will not embrace myself and wish that you were there. i will be tough i will not go back to you, because you are far away and you will not come to me.
you promise. you say now you'll stay. you will not go away you will stay. say it over and over again. i will not believe. you hold my hand and i will hold on to it. you will let go and i will release. do this- over and over again and i will slowly fade into the wind. and i will fly to the sky and i will be far away from here. i will have my wings and they will take me to all the places where i wanted to be.
i will not feel anything. not miss you not be sad not cry not breakdown. i will not embrace myself and wish that you were there. i will be tough i will not go back to you, because you are far away and you will not come to me.