she

i am utterly amazed by people who exude an aura of vibrating strength. i notice such things by how they act. by how they talk. and mostly by how they carry themselves. thus, that is why i surround myself with people like these. not that i am a user at that or because i am like them, i am not sure.

this does not mean that i am a person who does not cry, and emphatize with other people. no. because strength was never synonymous to being numb. this thing that i want to talk about is a defense mechanism. against all the odds in the world. this is where you run when you know you should not embrace self-pity. because nothing would happen if you tell yourself or admit that you are a weakling.

usually i abhor weakness. usually i am weak too. and usually i give up. usually i do not risk. because i am scared of what. usually i do not admit that i am scared but obviously i am. and it goes the same way with all the other people like me. although we try to feel how other people feel. we try to explore their minds and place ours in their state. : we pretend to be conscious with our body figures the fact that we are still eating a lot. because we're not really obsessed on how we look. we still have something in us that should be satisfied first before anything else. and that also shows that we are the kind of people who possess the freedom that we can do anything we want. without restrictions. of course, this has certain consequences. we alter the normal pace of the universe. we become the opposite/extremes.


i adore my kind. at the same time. i care less for the others who do not aspire to become like us.
kudos.

random

sometimes, when we want to grab something we create an illusion that we are able to have what we want. and with that we just... let me say everything that comes into my mind. usually i do not take things seriously, because im scared i do not succeed, im scared i'll lose it. until now i am trying to understand my behaviors towards things and the reasons behind this. i figured out that the way i act is oftentimes related to my past.



when i was in highschool writing was one thing i did take seriously. and i loved it. but why my works has to be claimed by others and why press freedom should be suppresed and why nobody knew are some things i really fail to understand. thus when i joined a college pub i was overwhelmed (ITS SO GREAT HERE!!!) BUt my past remains. that i learned never to give a hundred percent to what you do because they may take it away. that at least just give a little part of you.

however, in writing i feel that my limitations are seen in the way i write. and i get so frustrated.all i have is passion, and the inspiration that occassionally flows through me. inspiration that only attacks me if im in a bad mood. and without that inspiration i am nobody but just another person who wants to be someone.

im still confused. is it wrong? or i do not know. a while ago i was so scared of that stairs. that dark side of the building. those hands. that door. the wind. no i did not see anything but i felt something. i felt something that made my heart race. i do not ever want to return there again.

i wonder, is this a part of me. that part who does not want to take risks. i know iam like that. but i also know that if its worth it go for it.

let me tell you another thing, i am kind of scared to get my heart broken. but i have to right? i do not know, ...

I WAS THERE

i sat by the sidewalk waiting for the streetdancing to start. then i stood up because it feels better. suddenly these group of oldies plus kids started sitting beside me. and i was forced to move far back sideways because there were a lot of them. none of them said -excuse me.

so i sat. so that other people who are like them won't push me more to the far end. then this kid opened his umbrella and he keeps on moving and moving it and it really annoys me and blocks my view. so i said- excuse me. and i was about to say -dayta payong. the kid looked at me in the meanest way. then said something i did not understand. then he looked at me again in the meanest way and said something to his sister that made the sister look at me too. -what did i do?! i do understand a bit of the dialect but mt. province again has divisions wherein there are different dialects with different versions and accents- how do i say that. i ignored the kid.

then this kid saw an uncle or something at the other side of the road. and he was shouting- pilak mo man!!! which means his asking for money. i don't know the kid ran to the man then leaving his space on the sidewalk vacant. then a lot more people came to fill that space. when the kid came back he cried when he saw his seat was taken. i was surprised he was able to obtain 100 pesos from the man!!! but he was crying without any tears.

then i stood up. i cannot take this. and i saw the parade has started. then this woman behind spoke. saying- __ dapat shak ti patugawem ta ada awit ko nga ubing. but then she was saying it to the woman beside me. what the? i was there i dont know if that meant- out of respect i-who belong in the younger generation should give a poor lady a place to sit. i think that'd be my choice ma'am.

still i have to take pictures and i want to enjoy the day. i left them all at that corner. tatta.

i don't know. i was taught to be polite. especially with other people. i was taught to say auntie and uncle; to say thank you, excuse me... to acknowledge people. to smile even if you no longer want to. i don't know what kind of pips they are. have i felt disrespected? yes. had that been baguio i would have spoken. should i have been surrounded by family and friends i would've corrected that. no. maybe i just did not feel like i belong. some of my roots were here too. but that is not me. or maybe they are just like that. but should that be the case forever? hell/ at least my grandparents who stay there are great people. it is them i want to ran to again.

THAT GIRL

wait. this girl tells me she cannot open my photos. omg. and there's a hint of smile on her face or is that even a grin? can you explain your ignorance to me? well i just cannot act like an irate. o i just told her. uhm- can you test it again? well. i really nderstand if it is not possible but can't she at least flash a sympathetic expression to at least soothe my frustration? f*** her. you dumb dumb piece of sh**. go back to your mama!. how the hell should i react to that?!

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yes, i eat my words a lot. but i seldom take them back. so whatS THE point. here's one thing. i think i just want to live life. and then die. SORRY SORRY

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